SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, found out two weeks ago that my husband visited a prostitute about 6 months after we got married. He had made a second appointment but it got cancelled and I found a text message which meant it all came to an end. He told me at the time that he had got overly flirtatious with someone from a chat room and wouldn't have gone to the meet up, that if it hadn't been cancelled by her, he would have cancelled it.

I never really, truly believed him I guess but tried very hard to and continued in our marriage as I loved him and couldn't imagine life without him. We have since had two beatuful children. A little boy who will be 1 next month and a little girl who is almost 2 and a half.

I found out what really happened within a counselling session. I should probably explain that before we got really serious he cheated on me with a woman from work, a woman I had to walk past every day and have meetings with very regularly. Off the back of that I did some searching through his email and Internet history and discovered he was using porn and dating sites to an extraordinary level. When I confronted him about it (told him I didn't date men like him and we were over) he convinces me (mostly) that it was for titilation and that he had no intention of ever meeting anyone from the dating (I'm being polite - rather hookup) sites. He explained that when he was sent away to boarding school at 7 and then moved to another at 11, he suffered quite severe bullying and as a result found solace and stress relief via masturbation. This is all true, he's had quite a lot of counselling about it and it's well understood that many people who have a similar history are likely to suffer from sexual issues (addiction) throughout life if they don't find a way to change it.

There have been sporadic incidents since the event 6 months into our marriage, however they have been minor (porn cams, messaging women but with no possibility of meeting them) but this revelation has devastated me.

My husband thinks we can work it out with support (more counselling) and time and truly seems devastated about the impact this has had on me and the impact that may well come to bear on our relationship and our children (at this point I cannot honestly see how I can ever forgive him, let alone be intimate with him again and have anything approaching a 'normal' marriage).

Our counsellor told me once that my husband is a good man who when under great stress sometimes wear a dark coat. I didn't ever expect to be married to a knight in shining armour, but I didn't expect to be married to a man who could do something (I personally find) so disgusting. I would be equally devastated I guess if it was another colleague or random woman, but the idea he has paid for a prostitute really does make me feel physically sick.

I feel so angry and so ashamed and so violated by what he has done that I can hardly put one door in front of the other. I feel I'm being a bad mother to my children as I'm so tired (I can't eat or sleep) that I'm just limping through the day as best I can and can hardly play with them the way I used to and should do. They're the real innocent ones in this whole sorry mess. I must have been a fool to have ignored the warning signs. I don't know if there is any hope that it can be worked out - has anyone out there managed it?

Welcome to SI.

First of all, you are not a mug. You are in love and confused. Not something to be judged or lectured about.

Our counsellor told me once that my husband is a good man who when under great stress sometimes wear a dark coat.

Are you still seeing this counselor? I'd like to encourage you to find a new one if so. Stress was the leading factor in my FWH's A, and periodic crap judgement as well, but dark coat is like calling punching someone in the face a light swat. Instead of wasting your time finding minimizing metaphors your counselor should at the very least be getting your WH to dig for why betrayal is an acceptable coping mechanism for him.

The fact that this has happened time and again makes my heart hurt for you. It warrants serious consideration for if you want to put up with this for the rest of your life. We all encourage people to learn and grow here. Second chances can lead to wonderful new experiences and a fresh start. Sometimes. Fifth, sixth, tenth chances.... well sometimes there's a pretty solid pattern here that can't be ignored. We want things to work out so badly that we accept their words even when they don't jibe with reality.

Don't be hard on yourself - you're in good company here. Check out our healing library, and get in touch with folks who have been in your exact shoes. There's a wealth of experience here to help guide you to the healthiest path through this.

Sending hugs and strength.

(((usedtosparkle)))

Thank you jrazz for your kind words. I just feel like such a fool. How did I ever get to the 6th, 7th whatever chance - I always told myself I'd never stay in a relationship with someone unfaithful, that I'd be out the door as soon as I knew. Not so high and mighty anymore.

There will be a change of counsellor. We both agree that she was pretty rubbish, we had discussed finding someone else before the revelation. I must confess that I walked out of the session when he confessed about the prostitute, I just couldn't carry on and my emotions got the better of me. My husband says he got no advice on what to do next, that she was more concerned about ending the session and getting her cheque than giving him any guidance at alk on what to do when he got home so she's definitely out.

I have to be fair to him, he's answered every question (seemingly honestly) that I've put to him, told me a million times how sorry he is, tells me he is ashamed of himself and his behaviour and will do whatever it takes to work through this and make me happy again.

I've been honest with him also and told him that right now I have no idea what to do, that I need time and space but that I am prepared to have more counselling to help me (us) work out if there is any way to save our marriage.

I am so tired of crying and feeling like I am in some kind of twilight zone, trying to behave normally in front of our children so they don't pick up on the atmosphere and the hurt and get scared and confused about what is going on. I feel so desperately sad and confused and veer from feeling sort of settled one minute to wanting to rage at him and the world the next - I hardly feel like I can hold it together.

We're sleeping separately, I couldn't bear to share a bed with him right now, I feel like I'm sharing a house with a stranger, one that's caused me no end of heartbreak and pain.

I sometime hope that we can fix this, we always seemed to have a happy marriage (the infidelity aside) but if I'm 100% honest, I don't know if that hope comes from still living him and wanting to grow old with him.....or from being afraid of life as a single mother, having to spend half of every week without my children. Knowing he'll be the one with the nice house and money to give them everything superficial whilst I'll just be able to earn enough to put a roof over our heads and provide the basics. The one bit of pride I have left means I'll never take any money from him or get in the way of 50/50 custody - he may not have morals, but I still do.

Welcome to SI, usedtosparkle. You have found a great place for information and support.

Please read the articles in the Healing Library...chock full of information.

You do not have to make any decisions right now, give yourself time to really process all of this. Your WH says he is sorry, how many times have you heard those words. I'd give serious thought to a future with him, he cheated prior to your marriage and sounds as though he continues the same behavior.

There have been sporadic incidents since the event 6 months into our marriage, however they have been minor (porn cams, messaging women but with no possibility of meeting them) but this revelation has devastated me

.

^^Your husband has extremely poor boundaries. Messaging women is not what a faithful partner does. IMO, he needs some intense counseling, his behavior is not only destructive to your marriage but self-destructive.

Please get yourself tested for STDs asap.

Are you in individual counseling? I think it would be a good idea for you to understand what it is in you that continues to accept his cheating behavior.

I also suggest you meet with an attorney, not to file, but just to gather information on how to protect you and your children in the event of separation.

((((usedtosparkle))))

I'm really sorry, Used to sparkle.

It's some of the hardest things in life, I think, to realize that our spouses are not the people we thought they were. It takes a very long time to fully realize what they are capable of behind our backs, and it seems to me like you are coming out of a fog and "seeing" him for what he is. I'm really sorry and I've been going through it too.

If it helps any to hear, I held onto M for about a year and then I could do no more. You see, it wasn't stopping. I think maybe if it stopped and he showed remorse and tried really to fix it, I could have kept going. Waiting.

But I was waiting for someone who changed what he wanted in life and never had the guts to tell me. Sometimes I think that's what cheating is about, no matter what kind. It's like a person is saying they want to go out and do other things (to be polite) but don't have the guts to tell a spouse.

I'm worried for you that your H has repeated this over time. It seems like things kind of go under the rug again and you make new discoveries at some point down the road all over again?

That's part of what finally got me, because each discovery and lie brings such pain that I simply couldn't handle anymore.

And yes, I have disgust too at the person I was head over heals in love with for 20 years.

It seems like the journey in life is yours now to go on. Maybe some questions would help. How much more drama can you handle? How long in life do you want the drama to chance coming? What about possible STD's for you ...and those young children? Every time he does this, there may be a chance of bringing illness to your home.

And something someone said to me...what about those children growing up in that setting, with a dad they may grow to mistrust, and who they will probably learn hurts their mom?

It's so much to think about, but you can stop the pain if you want to and what helped me was baby steps...allowing myself to imagine life in any other situation or place and allowing myself to consider being alone.

And you know, a year later, there is peace between the tears. Yes, I've cried buckets and still do...cried in stores, in the car, in the movies...I opted away from the pills (can't now) to try to just let it pass, but many people recommend the pills. I think it's better to self-process, but whatever helps.

I wish you luck and peace. And one thing I do at my very worst, is hug my daughter with all my might.