SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I went backpacking last week with my x's son. He's a fine man, about 35, very accomplished and just starting his career as a Ph.D. with a well paying degree. I made sure not to bring up his mom and he did like wise, never mentioning her once during the trip.

I emailed her after the trip was over however, telling her how much I enjoyed the time with her son and how I would miss him. The email opened my flooding feelings and now I've been texting her. She's been texting me back. I've let my feelings get the better of me and I've been pretty frequent in communicating with her.

I fear I will lose myself soon ,if I haven't already. Additionally she texted me Friday with the news that she has skin cancer. More flooding feelings and asking if she needed me.

HELP! What's the view of my behavior to those who've been through something similar? A 2X4 may be in order here.

phoenixrivers

[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 1:49 AM, May 19th (Sunday)]

Sorry you're struggling, phoenix.

Are you in IC? You ended the relationship quickly after d-day. Have you remained happy with that decision the past few months?

None of us can say whether you should attempt R or not. It's a personal decision.

I can say it's totally normal to have those second guessing feelings, to break NC, etc. It's a long hard road. You loved this person, committed to them, built dreams with them. There's a grieving process here. Just as if a loved one died and you might want to attend the grave to talk again missing them, when the relationship dies, you'll have those days you just miss talking with your old partner.

If you feel you made the right decision ending the relationship, forgive yourself for the feelings you've had this week, they're normal, pick yourself up, and return back to a path that is healthy for you. You have freedom of choice today. She no longer drives the bus and gets to set the course into "Today we are driving in chaos, lies, and secrecy."

I found your post, the self-awareness of it, very uplifiting. You sound strong. Good luck.

Thank you wnw. Just to be clear, she ended the relationship. So I fear part of what I've been doing is an attempt to regain control of what happened.

I like your analogy about going to the grave to talk to an old friend, who's no longer here. That is a different perspective and one that's a little less harsh than some I've been telling myself.

I appreciate your characterization of my post. I hope I am as self-aware and as strong as you described my message. I struggle everyday, try to remind myself that we are all alone to some extent and that I am as normal as the next person. Not always successful.

Thank you again windowsnotwalls. I appreciate your time and effort to help me.

phoenixrivers

Yes. And Phoenix, if you are not ok with your decision, that is ok too. Only you know which is your right answer.

But before your say R, make sure you have your ground rules in place. Don't jump back in willy nilly without spelling out exactly how it is gonna go down. You drive the bus.

Many people are set in their choice to D and they slip every once in awhile. Often the WS will try to reel them back in and it is false as well.

Others try again after making what they think is a final decision.

What I know from reading all these stories is that it is her actions not her words that will make the difference.

Put what she SAYS to you on mute. What is she doing to SHOW you. What are her actions?

If you are happy with where you are and its just her words that made you nostalgic, stop now, but forgive yourself. It's OK.

Hugs!

ETA: Just saw that she ended it. But I do think what I said above still is appropriate!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 6:35 AM, May 19th (Sunday)]

Just to be clear, she ended the relationship. So I fear part of what I've been doing is an attempt to regain control of what happened.

I'm sorry. That is another difficult thing to accept. First her betrayal, the loss of the dream, then of her decision to end it after all that. Please, understand, you DO have control, though, control of what you allow to harm you again. As an example, I went and grabbed a recent message to MrWNW. Notice how I've taken back control....of myself, not of us, not of him, but of what I am doing, the direction I'm moving, and what I will allow in my life. I've let go of the outcome. Instead, I'm focusing on what's healthy for me. Whatever HIS choices are as a result of that are none of my concern.

**********************

I am unable to tell you at this point if I will stay or leave this relationship long-term. That is the most honest statement I can make right now. The decision to stay or go requires strong personal wisdom. My emotions are too turbulent right now to even think I have the personal wisdom necessary to make any long-term decisions. Thus, my SOLE focus right now is on rebuilding myself, fixing the damage within myself (much of which existed long before you). Over the next coming weeks, I'll be increasing in my self-awareness, my personal boundaries, and becoming stronger in protecting myself from new hurts. Meanwhile, I will also not be doing anything that threatens our ability to recover, as I still accept the possibility that I may choose to stay, that we may be able to recover. I don't want to create new damage in the meantime to make that more difficult if that becomes my choice. I will however, as I have been, be taking great stock on your actions over your words. That will all play into my decision when I am strong enough to make one. From what I'm told, from what I read, consistently I hear that it will take up to a year before I am ready to make a long-term decision.

That is why my focus on establishing and maintaining personal boundaries to protect myself from new hurts will be so important. I can't go another full year accepting new hurts. When you act out, I'll distance myself until you're safe again. It isn't punishment. It's survival.

I am aware you may choose to speed up that process, take control, and decide to end things, that you may not like the stronger me and choose to exit the relationship if you don't have the ability to receive my full attentive efforts towards your happiness while maintaining the ability to terrorize me emotionally. If that day comes, I will be sad, but I am surrounding myself with a significant support system to ensure I can cope in a healthy way.

*******************

ETA: Just wanted to add, one thing I am VERY clear on now, is that real love doesn't bring you down, it builds you up. I wanted great things for him. I helped find him avenues for his post-war PTSD. I helped him emotionally recover during very dark times. I supported him during a legal crisis. I enjoyed the fantasy that one day we'd be on a rocker, old and gray, and he'd look over and say, "Thank you. Your love helped me become the great man I am today." Real love shouldn't require you to submit to being harmed, shouldn't require you to displace your own needs, shouldn't make you unsafe (physically OR emotionally). Consider those things, as she talks of HER illness, HER feelings. I wouldn't give her the time of day until her ACTIONS can represent she understands the concept of real love.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 7:08 AM, May 19th (Sunday)]

thanks to you both, windowsnotwalls and brokensmile. I appreciate wnw posting your message to your x. I see your boundaries. I'll try to remember that I'm in charge of those and not her.

And brokensmile, I think you are right. Why inform me out of the blue that she is sick? I am too accommodating to her sudden need to confide in me. She has a family for that. What about the broken dream of which you remind me? Who gets to talk about that?

phoenixrivers

I continued to text the x and she was consistent in replying. I have kept the messages superficial and did not ask questions about her personal life.

On the other hand, I did imply that I missed her and the context of the messages was such that I attempted to recapture some of the intimacy of our old relationship.

Today she asked how I was, not as a "pleasantry" but as a "serious" question. My reply was, "If you open that book, are you ready for the answers?"

No reply.

I decided not to text back nor to start another superficial conversation.

Windowsnotwalls helped me to understand that I need to be in control of myself and my response to her; therefore I am waiting for her to contact me if and when she is ready to answer the question I posed to her.

The hard part is being prepared to wait. Again, windowsnotwalls helped me to understand that I need to establish boundaries that help me to avoid more hurts and brokensmile helped me to realize that her actions need to address the hurts she has inflicted.

So far, not even words.

I also wanted to thank wnw, for the analogy of speaking with the dead. After realizing that I was texting a person who never really existed and was falling back into having the same delusional expectations of her, I felt much more in control of myself and much less inclined to whine and beg for a response and an answer to my question.

Thank you both again,

phoenixrivers

Why are you waiting for her? Now she has control back. Don't wait for her to respond. You said what you had to say, she did not respond to it, take her action as a sign of how she really feels. She still doesn't want to deal with what she caused. There should be no more contact between you two any more, unless you really don't want to heal.

Thanks movingforward; I think you are exactly right. I already have my answer from her. I will not be texting her anymore.

phoenixrivers

Glad the support was useful to you. It is hard, it's painfully, confusingly hard. However, we learn in time, people harm us only when our boundaries were loose enough to allow them the ability.

Experience teaches us that grief does not happen in a linear way. Rather, it tends to ebb and flow much like waves on the ocean. When it comes to grieving, we don't reach an imaginary finish line....We may fear that if we let go of our old hopes and dreams, we won't have anything to take their place. These fears are natural enough. When we let go of our old dreams, we may need to stand in a place of not knowing for a while. This in-between place may feel uncomfortable, yet it is often the place where we can begin to build new dreams. It is the place of not knowing that, for many of us, becomes an integral part of our spiritual growth....Moving forward doesn't mean we forget about our losses or that we are through with our grief. We may always feel some degree of sadness and pain over certain losses, but with acceptance, we find that the pain lessens over time. Eventually, we will feel ready to let go and move on. We can trust ourselves to know when that time has come.

(Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses, pg. 169)

I'm currently in that "in between" place. I have no idea what is beyond today. I just know I'm ready to let go of the intense grieving period I've been in for two years since my first D-Day when I realized my fairy tale life was not what it seemed. I'm learning to be ok with not knowing the future and find solace in at least seeing it isn't as bad as it's been for the last two years. As long as I'm making healthy decisions for me and the kids daily, I know whatever the future holds is the best possible future, not one where I'm setting myself up for more failure.

Great quote. Thank you again for the help and compassion, windowsnotwalls. Hope you can move out of the "in between" before too much longer.

phoenixrivers