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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Moving Forward
Unexpectedpain
♂ New Member
Member # 39271
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's only been 3 weeks since DDay and though I really want to R, I'm really struggling with how that is going to be possible, considering the way I feel. I've been married 16 years and thought my marriage was great. We never had any problems. Now that I have found out about 2 As (one recent and one old) everything has changed for me.
My WW has been great since DDay. She's extremely remorseful. She's established NC. She's been totally transparent. She's gone out of her way to comfort me and do nice things for me and has hardly left my side. She says that seeing the look on my face that night, and seeing how much I'm hurting has changed her forever. She says she will never be able to do anything like this again.
I guess this is where I have a problem and why I am posting this. I just don't know how I'm ever going to be able to believe that after what she's done. I badly want my marriage back. I want to be able to just forget about everything and go back to the way things were (or the way I thought they were) but I can't.
A big part of my problem is that I have always thought of her as my best friend, and I haven't really had any friends outside of my marriage. Most of our friends, I think, are better friends with her than they are with me.
This has left me feeling like there is something missing in my life, and I'm having problems letting her back in because, though I still love her, I don't trust her anymore. I don't feel comfortable talking to her anymore like I used to, but I don't have anyone else to turn to.
I wonder sometimes if she really still loves me and wants to be with me, or if she's just afraid to lose her provider. Like she just thinks of me as the guy who keeps the bills paid and food on the table.

I know these are all normal emotions that I'm dealing with, and that I shouldn't expect to heal as quickly as I want to (or as quickly as she wants me to). But I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that all that can fix this is time. I don't want to feel like this years from now.

[This message edited by Unexpectedpain at 11:50 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]


Me BS 37
Her WS 38
DDay 4-26-13
Married for 16 years
Children 9, 8, 8, 7 +one on the way
My full story is on my profile

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

as far as forgiving and forgetting, I don't have any answers. i'm there with you. something special has been broken. I do believe it's possible. there are many here that can attest to that. but maybe not for everyone. i'm sorry you're here. it sucks.

have you discussed the possibility with her that the new baby might not be yours? if it's not yours, i think that might be quite an additional burden on your ability to forgive and forget. if it is yours, a new life can bring new beginnings. good luck


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unexpectedpain
♂ New Member
Member # 39271
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Mike, we actually had that discussion yesterday. We have decided to do a paternity test as soon as the baby is born. She says it's just for my peace of mind because she swears that she didn't have sex with the last guy, but she agreed to do it with no problem. She has confessed to lots of stuff including many things she could have taken to her grave. I really want to believe that she's being honest now, but it's not easy.
Thanks Mike for your support.


Me BS 37
Her WS 38
DDay 4-26-13
Married for 16 years
Children 9, 8, 8, 7 +one on the way
My full story is on my profile

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think its a good sign that she has no problem with the paternity test. that kind of confidence might be a bluff. 50-50 chance, etc. But i don't think so. I think you may be ok. Her willingness to get the test just for your peace of mind is also a good thing I think. It means she realized that your feelings matter. Don't get me wrong, definitely DO get the test.

but if the baby is yours, that is something you can build on. So I guess I would say, be cautiously optimistic and see if she continues to be remourseful.

best of luck.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
somedude
♂ New Member
Member # 39237
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey unexpected. I know how you feel and the way your WW is acting is exactly how mine did after I found out. In fact she said seeing the way it affected made me realize exactly how much I love her. ( she expected me to be angry and cut her out of my life, but never expected me to be in pain and sad the way I was - especially since it was an EA with a few make outs) it will get better. If you want it to and if she remains transparent, remorseful and helps you any way she can.

The roller coaster you have just stepped onto is the worst ride I've ever been on. The drops and turns and caves don't stop per say, but you start to know when they are coming and, to an extent they get easier to deal with and less frequent.

I'm sorry your here bro. But in the situation your in there really is no better place to be. Get the whole truth. Trust your gut. Never feel stupid for your feelings. Be honest.
Somedude


Married for 12 years
DDay Sep. 6 2012
3.5 year old 3yr EA/limited PA
Just want things back to good, getting there slowly...

Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
Unexpectedpain
♂ New Member
Member # 39271
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Somedude,
Your encouragement helps. This early in the game it sometimes feels like it's going to last forever. And yes, these forums and the healing library stuff have been extremely helpful to me. I am glad I found this place, even though it does suck to be here.


Me BS 37
Her WS 38
DDay 4-26-13
Married for 16 years
Children 9, 8, 8, 7 +one on the way
My full story is on my profile

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that you find yourself on a site like this, Unexpected, but you did find a great place for support.

You have now started a long, difficult journey that you never asked for, but I am here to tell you that you will come out OK on the other side---with or without your wife.

A couple of hard truths:

--It can never go back to what it was before you discovered her affairs. That chapter is closed.

--As for forgiving and forgetting: the forgiving is possible, although in the years here on SI, that appears to be the minority of people. Forgiving is for oneself, so you can free yourself of burdens that you no longer want to carry.
As for the forgetting--it will NEVER happen. And I think that you already know this. You don't go through a life changing event...and that is exactly what this is...and find that it is something that will eventually disappear from your memory.

I wanted to get the harsh truths out of the way first, because there is no need to dance around them. It sucks and it is unfair, but it is our new reality. But this doesn't mean that our lives can't be good again, because they can...and will. You are going to read here, and discover on your own, that you have an incredible amount of control of how quickly and thoroughly you can process what has happened in your life---and what directions that you can take. You can choose to stay in your own personal misery for as long as you like(I know that I sure as hell did), or you can start to reclaim your life that currently seems like a train wreck. It is a process--surviving infidelity--but you will discover that you are much stronger than you currently feel.

As for a future with your wife---that depends on both of you.

Your wayward wife is definitely broken inside. Not only the fact that she has done what she has, but was able to comfortably live with these secrets for years shows the severity of her issues. I would highly recommend individual counseling for her. But she has to WANT to do this. She has to want to get to her deep rooted problems that may extend all the way back to her childhood.

If she does not want to do this for herself, then your marriage has no shot.

As for you, there are choices that you will need to come to peace with. As for leaving, that is entirely up to you. Infidelity is simply a dealbreaker for many, and that is a choice that you are entitled to make. For some, it took months--even years--to realize that infidelity was their dealbreaker, and gave up on their efforts to reconcile.

But I would recommend that if your wife appears to be trying, to at least give yourself some time to absorb the enormity of what has happened. Don't make any life changing decisions immediately--unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is the correct choice for you.

I don't want to feel like this years from now.

I can assure you that leaving her will not make this feeling go away any quicker. For you to rid yourself of this pain, it has to be YOU that does so. And that starts with facing this crisis head-on, and starting the process of your self-healing. Obviously this is easier said than done, but nonetheless it is the absolute truth when it comes to you getting back on your own two feet.

I would assume that you feel emasculated, insecure of your decisions(past and present), lacking any sort of trust, and lacking any self-esteem. These are the normal emotions that we experience, although we discover over time that this was not our fault, and had little if anything to do with us. It was our partner's brokenness that has brought us here, but does not change the fact that we feel the way that we do.

And the only way to overcome these issues is to deal with them.

Don't rugsweep anything that you have learned in these last weeks. Don't be afraid to ask your wife any question that you need answered. If she is as sorry as she says she is(I don't like using the word *remorseful* so soon after discovery), then she will answer as honestly as she can. It will be painful, but will help you work through your feelings.

Read here as often as you can. Ask us questions. Ask us for help if you need it. You will be surprised how strong that you can emerge from this.

Good luck, friend.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2042 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 7

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