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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: revenge
dontknowanymore1
♀ New Member
Member # 39238
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would it really be so bad to get revenge, just with a one night stand. im getting no where with him seeing my pain, what if he felt it.
I know you will all say no and I will not make any decisions tonight, but if it helps him see, whats so wrong.


me bgf(25)
him wbf(44)
dday 7th may 2013
children 2
together 4 1/2 years
status want out

How can you love what you cant trust?


Posts: 49 | Registered: May 2013 | From: england
Sue1964
♀ Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No it will only hurt u.why lower yourself to the levels of him and his hoe they are not worth it.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
dontknowanymore1
♀ New Member
Member # 39238
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that in my head, its just so tempting sometimes.

thanks pulled me back, I was close for a second.


me bgf(25)
him wbf(44)
dday 7th may 2013
children 2
together 4 1/2 years
status want out

How can you love what you cant trust?


Posts: 49 | Registered: May 2013 | From: england
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It won't have the effect you hope it will. It will just make him feel you are even. Don't give him any reason to play the victim. He is too messed up to see at this point. He will not feel pain, he will feel justified in what he did.
(((dontknowanymore1)))


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you going to lower your standards to get back at him?

Will hurting him the same way he hurt you make you feel better about yourself?

Also, consider how you would feel about yourself if you just used someone else to get back at your BF. Someone who might really fall for you.

Something tells me that you're not the kind of person who uses other people.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're hurting right now. You're angry and rightfully so. What was done was cruel and selfish. Don't let your pain rule you to the point you become ugly enough inside to do ugly things, no matter how justified they seem right now.

Find a healthy and responsible way to ease your hurt. You can't ever force him to see anything without taking a chunk out of yourself to do it. Think about that price. Our choices suck, but you will be okay without choosing to go there.

Sorry you're hurting today. Hope your weekend gets better.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had quite a few one night stands in the weeks after DD. I don't regret what it did to him but I sure as hell do regret what it did to me.

In my mind R was not a possibility - that didn't make my actions any less damaging to me. Not because I thought I betrayed my husband (IMO I didn't) but because I betrayed myself.

There is no healing there. In fact it derailed and delayed my healing big time and was one of the factors that led me into False R.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4570 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand the feelings and thoughts completely, but what I understand about revenge-from other people, largely-is that it's very fleeting pleasure and sometimes acts to find it make problems far worse than they are...for I believe that problems can always be worse, believe it or not.

And then, after revenge, you would have yourself to live with. Yes, the post about possibly hurting another person is a good one...that's what I meant about making a situation worse. We have that going on here, with all the things Perv has done, he didn't make anything better, he made more wrongs.

Two wrongs don't make a right, as they say, but it's hard to remain inactive when the grief and pain are heightened.

My revenge fantasies were geared more toward OW at first and took a while to steer toward him. But you know, he's created so many problems that I feel like he'll get his "cummuppence" without me having to spend the energy or chance doing something wrong.

Yes, it could really backfire on you as well and the high road, rest assured, is lonesome but far better when looking in the mirror at the end of the day.

If there was somewhere to put that energy from revenge wishes, maybe it would help? To harness it and get exercise or do something when it comes...then you are being active in some way and may deter the thoughts?


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bet most of us BSs here have fantasized about getting revenge---especially on the AP.
Write a letter to your WS, & also to the AP, & post it here. ( Do not mail it to the AP, the goal is to become indifferent to her, altho some of us [ahem....like me] are having trouble reaching that goal).
I have found this to really help with the anger & pain---its a great release. Posting it here is a way of releasing it out into the universe.
The fact that all of the BSs here know exactly how I feel is a comfort too ( "misery loves company?")
I have to confess that at times I have felt so bad that the only thing that comforted me was fantasizing about revenge.
I am waiting patiently for God to take care of it for me.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1107 | Registered: Dec 2012
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of good responses here but just to add in a few ideas, even though in your heart I don't think it's something you truly want to do...
What if...
you sleep with someone who becomes attached to you and gets their feelings hurt?
What if you become involved in a crazy situation with someone who wants more than a one night stand and goes psycho on you? Believe me, it happens!!! And it's scarrry!!

Also, considering how hurt and vulnerable you are, consider that you might enjoy your one night stand and wind up attaching more meaning to it and imbuing it with all kinds of significance and going back for more, and be the one getting hurt. Lots of women, tons, think they are cool with a fwb or ons situation only to wind up trying to nurture a relationship and then devastated a few months later. So in general on that my opinion is no.

Hugs and best wishes.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2012
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very new to this world, but I think that the idea of revenge occurs to most people.

When the thought popped into my head, I realized something. I thought about the pain that I was experiencing, and I knew that this was not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.

I knew before all of this that I could never have an affair. I never thought it possible, but the thought disgusts me even more now than it did before.

It's a natural reaction, but really think about it. You don't want to become what you hate, and you don't want to be guilty of this sin, because you know just how badly it hurts.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What hurts most about an affair is the deceit and being treated like a dupe or as "the enemy" as they lie and connive. And that it blindsides us.

A one-night stand would not provide revenge since you would be upfront about it; and the fact you are upset, troubled and it's a possibility would hardly blindside your WS.

So the parts of the worst pain that an affair delivers to a BS he would not experience. Just a small part of the agony, so your revenge would be for naught and might backfire if you get HPV or some disease a condom won't always prevent.

And you would never get to talk about your pain ever again, because he would shut you up with the argument that you're "even" and he doesn't want to hear about it again.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops. A double post.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 11:22 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For my own entertainment, I've toyed with the idea of a fake affair. Pretend to have secret conversations, hide my phone, stay out late, be vague about my activities... Then, when he gets suspicious, tell him I'm not having an A, it's all in his imagination. Not that there aren't plenty of ways that could backfire but it amuses me.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A revenge one night stand will NOT give you what you are looking for.

Even if you sleep with someone else, he will still not understand how you feel, being someone who didn't cheat and got cheated on.

What will it do?
-Give him something to be upset at you about
-Make you feel worse about yourself
-You would pretty much have to let go of what he did, and he would use what you did as leverage
-Further break the marriage and trust

Not to mention:
-Possibility of STI's
-Possibly hurting someone else (and potentially their family if you slept with someone else who was married/in a relationship)

Think about it. If you gave your husband a beautiful glass vase, and he smashed it on the floor right in front of your face- you would probably feel a lot of things. Would it make any sense at all to pick up the vase, start to try to glue it back together, and then you intentionally smash it on the floor too?

You're better than that, and it's good that you already know that.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but if it helps him see, whats so wrong

If you think affairs are wrong, why would you consider having one? If you have an affair, it sends a message that you think it's ok to cheat under certain circumstances.

If you don't wish to reconcile your marriage, then go ahead and become a cheater. If you want to heal your marriage, perhaps you should look for less destructive alternatives.

Have you read the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? I recommended starting with this book for finding better ways to heal from infidelity.

So sorry for what you are going through.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5617 | Registered: Aug 2007
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand the idea of revenge... however, you, like me, are likely too solid in your ideas of what is right and wrong to either be able to do it, go through with it, or enjoy getting your revenge... any of these reasons, plus a million more, make it simply not worth even thinking about... but, like you many of us have at least wondered if it was possibly the thing to wake the other spouse up to pay attention what they aren't doing and could be missing. In the end I think there will just be more hurt....

Posts: 1147 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
dontknowanymore1
♀ New Member
Member # 39238
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks all, ive put the idea to the back of my mind....tempted for a moment but so many good points, and I don't think, no I know, I could do that anyway.


me bgf(25)
him wbf(44)
dday 7th may 2013
children 2
together 4 1/2 years
status want out

How can you love what you cant trust?


Posts: 49 | Registered: May 2013 | From: england
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or it will do the opposite and make him think you were not worth it to begin with.

They will only see what you did wrong. (see- she is mean and spiteful) They still will not see what they did was wrong. It may just justify his reasons for having an A.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 690 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
Topic Posts: 19

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