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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: afraid setting myself up for more pain
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Concerned  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't get the feeling of the possibility of R out of my head. How do I do this? I have been concentrating on myself doing all things I need to do to help ME but the nagging feeling that there is a possibility of R is always there. I don't want to hope just to be knocked down again. He hasn't said no to trying but he isn't sure what he wants yet is what he says. He is starting IC on Tuesday. I mentioned possibly trying going out on some dates together and he said that's not a bad idea but he wants to start his IC and take one step at a time. I hate that I have this hope, and worry that I am just dreaming. I breakdown daily and yesterday was really bad I actually had to ask my 19 yr old son to come home and sit with me for a bit because I couldn't stop shaking. (he is an amazing kid) Whats going to happen to me when Wh decides to file? I even have thoughts of finding someone now to date (if that's at all possible) just to have someone to help me through this. I know that wouldn't be fair and wouldn't work but I do think about it. I am only 3 week out from D-day and don't know how much longer I can do this.


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs Savvy!!!

Keep concentrating on doing all the things that you need to do to take care of yourself right now. Eat when you can, drink fluids, sleep when you can, exercise, take walks as that will help with your stress. Lean on friends and family. Post here, read the articles in the healing library. For me, it's been really helpful to learn about narcissism, because that's what my cheating husband is......

In the beginning my husband sounded like he was on the fence - said he wasn't sure what he wanted to do....He did know, I looked at his actions, did not believe his words. My husband's actions were not the actions of a man who wanted to reconcile.

I think it's natural to be hopeful for R. I can't go into that forum and read about it because it is too painful for me. I love the man I thought I married, I miss the life that I thought I had. But, I also know the truth - my husband cheated on me, lied and deceived me and is a narcissist. Is that the man I want to be married to? He has shown zero remorse, has not told me he is sorry - just blamed me for the break up of the marriage, completely changed the history of the marriage and has painted me out to be some cold hearted bitch who only took advantage of him. He has forgotten who I am.... He treated with absolute cold contempt the last few weeks I lived in the house with him. No, don't deserve that in my life.

I am 5 1/2 months from Dday. There are days when the pain is so overwhelming, so devastating that all I can manage is to breath through it. There have been so many days when I thought I simply can't do this anymore. But somehow, there is an inner strength that sees me through each day. That, and the love I have for my son.

If your WH decides to file (or you may make that choice, which is what I did. The thought of being served divorce papers was far more upsetting to me than me taking the action. Did not want to get blindsided again!), you will get through it. Lean on your friends, post here and get the support that you need.

You did nothing to deserve this. Know that your WH is damaged goods. You are a woman of integrity, strength and love.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 467 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((savvy))))

You really really really need to focus on yourself. Making you well and happy again. IF he decides he can get his head out of his rear, then you can possibly consider R.

I also feel that you need to be OK with being you, and being alone. If you look for someone to be your replacement partner while you are still dealing with this it is unfair to him, and will be built on shakey ground.

Instead of looking for another man, look to friends for support, join a support group, or go to church. Join an exercise class. Make new friends. Focus 100% on you. You will be amazed at how happy and fufilled you can be.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto what tushnurse said.

First off, cut yourself some slack - it hasn't been that long since your DDay.

Second, admit that it's ok to be frightened and angry and sad and hurt. These are normal - take comfort in the fact that you are normal.

Yesterday I heard a phrase "the difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stone is the person walking the path". You can turn this into a stepping stone. You can "find" yourself and learn to be happy without your WH.

I was in my 50's when my life was turned upside down, and I know it's not easy to start over, but it is possible.

Capture one minute at a time, just please try. If you feel yourself going into a funk, try really hard to re-direct and do or think something else. Force your mind to go down happy paths, not sad ones.

You can do this, but now you have to believe it.

I hope you find the peace you are looking for.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8092 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the words of support. I am concentrating on me now I do exercise everyday ,lost at least 15lbs more to go! I am trying to eat healthy when I do eat which isn't much (have no appetite) I have joined a support group but its a divorce/seperation group it has been a bit scary to listen to the stories. I have been meeting up with a few friends,(didn't have any to speak of before this, I was busy with our business, my mother with alzeihmers, and going to school) its not easy for me to put myself out there ,I am a bit shy. I have had to force myself to pick up the phone. I am also trying to set up some horseback riding lessons. I guess what I am doing is trying to find myself, as I got lost somewhere along the way of raising kids and taking care of business. I feel a bit stronger today, but I can feel that waining.


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baby steps - just take one baby step at a time.

Horseback riding sounds like fun but be careful.

When I'm down I look for something cheap to buy (we're talking under $10). E-bay is great for that.

Try to have a good weekend.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8092 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi savvy. I am so sorry for the sort of purgatory you are in now!! I am also in a kind of limbo although of a different kind but my agony is truly overwhelming at time. I have amassed quite a collection of self-help books these last few weeks from second hand shops and in one, The Woman's Book of Courage, one of the entries talks about how in life we are sometimes called upon to accept the unacceptable, death, divorce, cancer, etc. And that doing so is extremely difficult and painful. To help get through these times, we need to stop resisting the fact that it happened. Resistance magnifies pain. This has helped me; when I stop myself from saying "no, no, no" or "this can't be true" or something similar and i breathe and say to myself it did happen, somehow loosening the resistance HAS helped me. The feelings of agony always return again but then I can practice again or return to the serenity prayer. Not as good as morphine, but it's something. Maybe this might help you just a tiny bit.

(((hugs))))


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi again savvy... another thought i had which I had meant to include is; the idea of finding another man to be with for now for comfort. I've definitely also considered that path but truly, truly you are in such a place right now that i entirely believe, and the same goes for me, that you/me and we who are all feeling very broken are just going to attract someone who is just NOT good for us and my goodness, what if we wind up falling in love them them? Better to stay single, get into IC and get healthy again or hopefully healthier than ever, and THEN see about finding another companion. We are all more likely to attract a healthy person when we ourselves are well.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
notsosureanymore
♂ Member
Member # 18051
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Savvy
I know how you feel I been there! You are only 3wks out so hang in there. I was a very bed example of that. I know about the shaking first hand and It is going to be HARD. but its ok the strides you will make in reconciliation - it looks like you will go that way. i haven't read the whole thread or looked at you profile but let me tell you Thoughts of dating someone else right now I had them too and I got them now too! right now I wish i was in connecticut and not colorado so i could be you Friend, scoop you up and forget about it and thats it I whoud just be your friend. I am going to change my name now because I AM SURE. BUt anyway I am sorry you find yourself here at all. I used to avoid this just found out forum because it was just too raw and maybe I will still... but at this moment I am. At least you have a strong son who is there for you so do I I mean at least he is old enough to understand my son is going to be 17 and he knows what going on but not everything. another person does work temporally, I know first hand but it wasn't fair to that person. At the time I knew I only wanted to be with my wife . So I am SORRY World!!! Im a bad guy I guess I am human. a little over amonth I discovered myspace back then and Yeah I don't have FB or myspace now and I dont chat on a cell phone to randon strangers. Like her but now that I accept it I am free to do what I want! ok ok tmi from me I sincerley wish you all the best that your life has to offer. what can i say I love you no pun intended ... I can puncjh out a bad guy right now and scoop up anyone who needs it ok my rant is over.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2008
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone I am sincerely trying to just move forward with my life as if there will be no R. It's really hard to imagine but I'm trying. And notsosureanymore rant away that's why we are here!
(((Hugs))) for all!


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great big hugs savvy! I hurt for you and I didn't know it was possible to hurt anymore then I already do! But, I hurt for everyone that comes to this website because we are all experiencing something really crappy! I'm 6 months out and still can't eat, can't sleep, shake a lot, scared of being alone, everything! I too hope for R but I don't think it's going to happen. Take care of YOU! You are important and you deserve the best!

I can say that I wish we all could get together, all of us on this site, so we could give each other a big old group hug and help each other through our darkest times.

Stay strong savvy.......we are all here for you!!!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stilltrying, I often feel the same, about wishing we could all get together. And I too feel pain for everyone on this site , it is such a heart wrenching pain I never would have understood until now that it has happened to me. It just plain sucks!!!


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Topic Posts: 12

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