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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What are the tough questions to ask?
Mack25
♂ New Member
Member # 38913
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the question of why never gets answered but I'm curious what other good, tough questions BS have asked their BS to get some answers or help with closure.

As background, my WS got really drunk 2 mo ago and made out with a random guy. We are doing better but I still get the bad thoughts. Also continued question of 'why' keeps coming up. She has answered every question of mine truthfully and fully. She feels very guilty and remorseful.. I'm just wondering any advice about some good, tough questions I should be asking to help us move forward in a positive way. I'm sure some here would have good advice. Guess I want to R, and no I'm not worried about past hook ups by her.


BH: Me (40)
WW: Her 38
Married 5/5/2001
2 sons, ages 5 and 8
1 daughter age 8
WW drunk make out session with me in next room
D day 3/16/2013
Trying to R

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Colorado
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The answer to "why" may not ever satisfy you. Indeed, there aren't any good reasons to commit adultery.

I think my advice is this. Figure out what is the minimum-acceptable set of questions which absolutely must be answered.

There are no hard-and-fast rules about what someone needs to know in order to "move on". This is more of a personal choice.

I think questions about the details of the affair only serve to hurt. Especially if you find out she did things with the OM that she refuses to do with you. These details become fodder for your imagination.


Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Angelback
♂ New Member
Member # 39273
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really didnt need the details, but in my state if a man proves adultery he pays no alimony in case of divorce. If you are going that route, you might tell her you need the details "to heal" and get a small voice recorder to get enough evidence to prove your case.

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the tough question in your case would be did she "only" make out with him? Why would an adult make out with some guy and not do more?

Don't mean to add any worry to your mind here, but I would be doing all I could to make sure that is all she did with him and if this has happened before.

You give very few details so it's hard to say what you should ask.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mack - sorry you are here and dealing with your WS.

Honestly, the tough questions are not the questions that you are going to ask you WS but ultimately questions that you will need to ask yourself. This is a long journey - you don't have to answer those tough questions you need to ask yourself right away, take your time.

As for tough questions for your WS - yes getting to why is important but as tfkeel said sometimes the why may not satisy you. As a BS it is difficult to understand why our WS made the decisions they decided to make.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
OneFootForward
♂ Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with the others on this one, there are no "right" questions. No more than there is a defined path. We each have to chart our on general path on this one.

My MC said, "There are the questions you have to know the answer and the questions you want to know the answer to. You have to decided between the two." It is my 1 month anniversary from D-Day today, I still have some questions... but I honestly don't think they need asking.

I do think there are some basic questions that must be asked. The who, what, when, where, why, etc are the basics. Just because you ask them, does not mean you are going to get an answer or a truthful answer. The real problem I have with this is someone gets drunk and just "makes out with a stranger." This is what someone does when they are not in a relationship. This really points to your spouses state of mind. It just happened would not do it for me because it points to something I would fear... could it "just happen" again? Has it "just happened" in the past?


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The tough questions are the ones that make you uncomfortable when you wonder about the situation.

The WHY - I feel it is essential for the WS to have a clear understanding of the WHY, otherwise they can't fix it, and the likelyhood of a repeat offense is pretty high.
She may not be able to answer the question today or tomorrow, but she really needs to be able to at some point. Many WS (that dont' successfully R) don't find that answer. Many WS go to therapy, and figure out what is broken within themselves that allows them to justify, and act in such a way.

As far as the minute details of what they did how they did it - I would like to caution once you know something, you cannot unknow it.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Mack25
♂ New Member
Member # 38913
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the tough question in your case would be did she "only" make out with him? Why would an adult make out with some guy and not do more?

I know it was only kissing because I found them fully clothed standing in back room. Only gone for 5 minutes so not enough time for other things to have happened.


BH: Me (40)
WW: Her 38
Married 5/5/2001
2 sons, ages 5 and 8
1 daughter age 8
WW drunk make out session with me in next room
D day 3/16/2013
Trying to R

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Colorado
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might like to know what could be done to secure it never being repeated.

What is the root of the problem and how to rip it out and fix what caused it?

I suppose it's along the lines of "why", with some flavoring.

I hope things will work out the way you want them too, Mack. Good luck.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The why, where, when questions are obvious and need to be asked.
But, I think an important one to be asked is if your WW is remorseful and wants to R how is she going to cope with the situation IF this temptation were to happen again?
What will be her coping skills?
If that means no going out and getting so drunk you are "making out" with random strangers, then so be it.
I don't know your whole story but if alcohol is a constant theme then maybe that should be addressed.
Not everyone who gets drunk makes out with strangers.
Maybe some boundaries need to be made.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Heal&Deal
♀ Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questions that might be helpful in seeing where your WW's head is:

1) Do you plan to continue using alcohol to the point of intoxication?

2) Have you cheated before?

3) Would you be willing to take a lie detector test?

4) Would you be willing to go to marriage counseling?

5) Have you had any continued contact with AP?

6) Does AP have your contact details?

The answers to these types of questions can be tough to hear. Do you have an IC lined up?

[This message edited by Heal&Deal at 11:01 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a link to a good article by Shirley Glass titled, 10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse:
http://www.ivillage.com/10-questions-ask-your-unfaithful-spouse/6-a-126599

If you're still searching for the "whys" and want to know more about the psychology of affairs, I recommend the book, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. This book is also helpful for your own personal healing as well as laying down some guidelines for reconciliation.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Mack25
♂ New Member
Member # 38913
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got that book and will read. What is IC?


BH: Me (40)
WW: Her 38
Married 5/5/2001
2 sons, ages 5 and 8
1 daughter age 8
WW drunk make out session with me in next room
D day 3/16/2013
Trying to R

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Colorado
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Individual counseling.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1761 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 14

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