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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the big issues I struggle with is the stolen time. My WW had a 3 YR LTA, during which I was suspisious but stupid. I confronted multiple times only to be gaslighted, even in MC for over 2 years. She travelled with the POSER so it was so easy for them to carry on when working out of town. He lives across the country.

But the time, 3 years of my life, virtually stolen from me. And these weren't my 60's or 70's, these were prime years for love and fun, and just when we were really starting to make hay financially and have the ability to do stuff. Gone. Lost forever. Stolen. I really have trouble with that.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, I saw some texts on her phone this morning where she was talking with one of her work colleagues about getting drunk, telling him she was going to move to a new neighborhood, asking him if he'd be her gardner. I blew up on her this morning. Her response continues to be that she doesn't have any privacy, that she has a right to talk to people about these things.
This is bullshit, completely and utterly. After what she's pulled, she has the right to "privacy" only while pooping. She does NOT have the right to *secrecy*, which is what she's referring to, and desires. Single people have all the secrecy they want, so maybe make that offer? Those conversations are totally inappropriate for a married person, and I'd venture to say that *most* married people who read that would agree.

Per the stuff about telling family members and friends, I personally have chosen to tread carefully. Had the A continued, I would have probably blown it all to hell, but I didn't. I am honestly unsure how my family would respond. My dad is really forgiving, but he thinks the world of my wife and I don't want to shatter that for him, my brothers are both ex-heroin addicts who both have done their share of grime and served time, and so I feel like they'd be pretty forgiving as well, but my mother and sister are NOT in the least bit forgiving, and I don't need the extra hassle of worrying about that kind of shit when my family gets together, you know? Thanksgiving is already awkward enough sometimes. I don't think her family would have given a shit about the A one way or the other, except for maybe her biological father, who seems to be a fairly stand-up dude.

In other news, I just realized today that I'm not constantly thinking about the A at 5+ months out...and hence, I'm not angry all of the time anymore. That's not to say that I don't think about it often, 'cuz I do, only that it's not nearly as constant. Right now, the thought of them having sex is in sort of the same place it is when you start dating someone whose Ex you know. If you tried hard enough you can imagine it (sex) taking place, because you know what sex is, and you know what the principals look like, and so you can create the scene in your head, but it takes some effort on your part, and it's just easier not to. I'm aware that the rage phase might be just around the corner, but maybe not. I was pretty rage-y from Day 1, so we'll see. Not that I'm healing better or faster than anyone else, only that I'm healing, slowly. It's incremental. As I get further away from DDAY, my thinking about the past is filled with things that have transpired SINCE then, and not before then. I have new, untainted memories. I worry more about impending life events than about being deceived for 9+ months. We'll see if it holds.

Oh, and some gentle ribbing: 'Round these parts (Chicago-ish), 'Curve' is strictly for high school kids, 444.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and some gentle ribbing: 'Round these parts (Chicago-ish), 'Curve' is strictly for high school kids, 444.

Now you tell me. Check in more often. As Adam Sandler said in Wedding Singer "That would have been useful information ... YESTERDAY." Glad you're healing. I'm still feeling like a bad-ass drill sergeant. Don't take that away from me.

Slater
I have a ton of thoughts about the 'lost time' feelings, but don't have the time to dive into right now. Check back later.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 2:03 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 years of my life, virtually stolen from me. And these weren't my 60's or 70's, these were prime years for love and fun, and just when we were really starting to make hay financially and have the ability to do stuff. Gone. Lost forever. Stolen. I really have trouble with that.

You're not even counting the recovery years yet -- however long it takes you to get your feet under you and have your thought patterns dominated by infidelity, mind-movies, relationship junk, MC, blah, blah, blah.

Probably be more like 5-7.

Hey, but it's just a mistake, right? We're all human and make mistakes. Plus, kids are resilient.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell I'm still rocking the Cool Water cuz Snoop said so.

same place it is when you start dating someone whose Ex you know
Is this possible? That would be a nice change, more of an ambivalence for the poser instead of outright loathing and hatred.

stolen time

This really pisses me off too. 4 year LTA right during the middle of us starting our family. Our second wasn't even a year when the EA started. She originally said the PA started after our third when she went back to work. However thanks to a little TT, we figured out that he was making PA advances in her office around the time we got pregnant that third time. I was horrified, she was horrified though to a lesser extent I think, she was in disbelief.
FUCK! my gut just twisted thinking about this...so on the day of third child was born, she had been out surgery for 10 minutes....I shit you not 10 minutes I looked because I was shocked it was so quick after the birth. So I had her phone, because she was still out of it, and going the fatherly thing sending out and responding to texts for family and friends. This is what pops up from the poser, it will forever be ingrained in my head: " so have they cut the demon child out yet"
FUCK! I want to snatch him out his truck and hit him with a brick in the head.

These are supposed to be some of the happy memory times and now I look back at those times and don't feel happiness at all. I know that in time some of that will change. But the birth of a child is supposed to be one of the happiest days in your lives, it was for me with my first two. But I will always look back now and think of that classless fuckhead intrusion so close to my little girls birth and I will ALWAYS hate my wife that it had happened. I blame him, but I mostly blame her for creating a situation that allowed him to think it was okay to interject that shit into our lives.

Anyway sorry just went off the reservation a little.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's perfectly appropriate. I have very few positive memories from about my oldest son's senior year in high school through my middle son starting college.

Nothing like filing away your kids' formative years as "that time I'd rather forget".


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have I told you lately what a POS you are?

Also known as, "oops I just triggered." Oh you are wondering where the hell that came from? Welcome to my world.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, but it's just a mistake, right? We're all human and make mistakes. Plus, kids are resilient.
That, sir, is a topic worthy of a dissertation. The whole 'kids are resilient' thing gets wayyy too much traction, methinks. Kids *move on* quicker, because they're not as locked-in to their coping skills and/or thought patterns as we are, but that *stink* of shitty parental modeling sticks with them forever, or until they address it somehow. I know you were being sarcastic, I just felt like your bandwagon had room for one more.
I still feeling like a bad-ass drill sergeant. Don't take that away from me.
Wouldn't dream of it. Drill away, guy. Just joshing you guys a tad.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and some gentle ribbing: 'Round these parts (Chicago-ish), 'Curve' is strictly for high school kids, 444.

HAHA
Whatever brother!
I thought the scent in the Chicago public schools was gun powder and lead!
And let me tell you. The Curve has had more pussy approach me than any other brand and that includes big names I own such as aqua di gio, eternity, and Hugo Boss.
I didn't have to say a word.
You did good TC.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this possible? That would be a nice change, more of an ambivalence for the poser instead of outright loathing and hatred
No sir, I just meant towards the sexual aspect of the A. I still hate that motherfucker with every fiber of my being. We have too much personal history, and I was too good of a friend to him, for me to ever be ambivalent towards him.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shit, I still wear Obsession for Men on the rare occasions that wear cologne -- and that *is* what I wore in HS.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought the scent in the Chicago public schools was gun powder and lead!
Ouch. Sad, but true. I didn't go to CPS myself, but the HS I went to was not much better, unfortunately. Regarding the Curve: it's only wrong if it doesn't work. Seems to be working for you.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait: ...except for that one day that I wore Obsession for Women to the office because I got the bottles confused.

I kept wondering why I smelled so sexy all day.

(My wife wears Obsession when we go on those special grow-up dates, because she knows I like it. Seriously. Obsession for Women smells like sex to me. It's a synaptic pathway that's been so well-worn at this point that it's achieved Basic Operating System Rule of the Universe status.)


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so have they cut the demon child out yet"

You just won the award for most restraint and self discipline. Many would probably be in the penitentiary for murder right now. That really pissed me off. I'm literally fuming. One of the worst things I ever read. There is no way she should have engaged a dick like him after that.
I feel like everyday since DDay is a day ill never get back. Every day I think about it. It's on my mind. I have to negotiate the thoughts of my Drunk WW waking up in some douche bags bed naked with her panties off Every day.
I turn my attention to my kids. I turn away from her. She acts nice and sweet and loving and I want to believe it but I can't. I was fooled by that before and I am unable to distinguish if its an act or not.
I mention truth and suddenly her head will spin like Linda Blair.
Then she'll be all xoxoxo again.
I feel like every day is one day further from someone I know who will genuinely be in love. Someone that would show me what a real honest relationship is about. A healthy one where there are no secrets or stress. I feel like this is ruined beyond any real repair. Like I'm cheating someone worthy or myself. Stolen time. Wasted time.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 1:47 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FUCK! I want to snatch him out his truck and hit him with a brick in the head.

You gotta wait until you're no longer the primary suspect. Since he's probably a shitbag, just wait a few years, there will almost certainly be a much longer list of people that hate him, and would be looked into before yourself. Or you won't care. Either way.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've actively cheer for Obama to fail, not for any political reasons, but because I want the whole system to fail. Guess where I'll be when that happens? That's right in his front yard with a baseball bat, rose bush pruners, a ballpeen hammer, jumper cables, my fish fillet knife, and a bottle of honey. I think you can see where this is going.

But in all seriousness, I like to think that I showed constraint, but most of the time I think about it; it just leads me to having a terrible view of myself. In some ways I really do feel like if I was half a man I would be in a penitentiary right now. Like my daughter deserves me to stand up for her, especially since her mother didn't. It only adds to the regret when I trusted her to care take of it like she said she would. Silly me, I actually still trusted her. Oh she handled it all right. unzipped his pants and went to town.

Again sorry, start typing and just can't seem to stop today.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every time I feel rage towards the POSOM building, I remember that there are at least a thousand other shitheads in this town alone who would gladly fuck my wife if she was willing. She was the one who had the ability to honor her vows and to protect my heart. To keep me safe from STDs. To protect her children's two-parent home. And she is the one who tried (maybe successfully, we'll see) to blow it all to hell.

So, hate the other man, but FTB.

Defiled, I can't imagine the strength you must have to go through that with your sanity intact. But truthfully, it's probably similar to what my wife's POS would have texted in the same situation. His preference was to send dirty texts and dick pics, so a text like the one you're talking about would not have been much of a stretch.

Sorry your memories were ruined, brother. My wife's last rendevoux with the OM occurred on Valentine's Day, which also happens to be our oldest daughter's birthday, and which also happens to be the anniversary of one of my great memories from the first year we were together.

All blown to shit now.

FTB.

ETA: "FTB" is the way I'm feeling right now about my WW. And just a suggestion for you. I'm not calling your wife a bitch.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:07 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal
No offense taken, like I've said before a lot of your posts seems like you've taken the words right out of my mouth, and I took your comments as such.
FTB, good mantra for self preservation. They aren't looking out for us that s for sure.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXWW prefered Hugo Boss...won't be wearing that one ever again.

My personal favorite "smell good", as we called it in the corps, is dude sweat. Its the musk I have when I finish at the gym or get done mowing the lawn on a steamy 90+ degree day. Ironically if I keep it on when I go out the ladies run away, not towards me. Oh well, keeps the histrionic narcissists away so I'm willing to pay that price.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DefiledRage,

Please note the following guideline:

NO POLITICS: We have zero tolerance of discussing politics here. No names, jokes, polls or debates are allowed. Violation of this guideline results in losing your profile.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34792 | Registered: Sep 2007
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