Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: brokenhearted730 (43224)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say know your circle and act accordingly.

For me, I told just about everyone. MIL second day. All 'our' friends. She called one of her friends in a panic on D-day because I was kicking her out. If I had to do it over again, I would have outed them at work. I blew it all up.

I'm going to ditto wert.

I told everybody, and then spent years being overwhelmed by the support I received from friends, family, and co-workers.

It really worked well for me because...well, your small circle of friends is going to get tired of hearing about your struggles with infidelity long before you're done struggling. I figured out that most people really only have the capacity to care for about six weeks -- and then they really expect you to do something: get divorced, commit to R, have a revenge affair...whatever, just so long as you shut up about it when we're trying to watch the ballgame.

It's hard to remember that this is your trauma, not theirs. They don't think about it except when you bring it up...and what they want to see is resolution. They want to see you happy. They don't understand the slog of this process.

When you have lots of support, you can talk about it as much as you want -- parse every single interaction with your wife -- and spread it around so most people only get an hour here or there. Compassion is an exhaustible resource. Try not to chew the same person's ear more than once every couple of weeks -- even if they specifically ask how you're doing.

This has the added advantage of lots of people seeing a little of your pain (an "understandable amount"), while no one sees the full range of your devastation. What's important about that?

Reputation.

Your friends will remember you as the guy who sucked it up, dealt with his shit and committed one way or the other. You're the guy who slogged through the crap and did what he had to do to make his life (or marriage) work. They respect it.

They stop asking themselves "what must he have done to deserve this" and instead ask "what kind of major issues must his wife have to fuck around on a guy like that? That's a guy you can respect."

Image management sounds shallow, but that's not really what this is. It's about controlling the narrative. You don't react to the community's shared narrative, you create the narrative for them. Most people don't want to think about this stuff very hard. They're looking at you fur cues on what it all means.

When everyone only has a little piece to put their hands on, no one actually knows what the elephant looks like except you. And it then gets to look like whatever you say it is.

Plus, you get the added benefit of your WW trying to defend her position to friends and family...which, you know, *always* makes a woman look like a keeper. Whenever a woman has to explain why she was sleeping with multiple guys at once to anyone except skanky, bar-hopping girlfriends, she's already lost the public relations "I am *not* a slut" war.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its, I told a couple of local friends who could tell that something wasn't right with me, and she told her brother and sister and a close friend or two, but that's it. Her cousin is a two-time WW, and once she found out her husband became a confidante and R mentor IRL. He's the one who turned me on to SI, although he's still just a lurker. Great guy, wish he'd join us.

My family is in Florida and Georgia, and none of them know although I think they suspect that everything isn't rosey with us out here. They'd hate her for life if they knew, which doesn't help R any. Also, I don't need some well-meaning advice ("dump the bitch, you deserve better") from someone who hasn't gone through it personally.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. I guess I could go either way and many have made some great points. I think it boils down to your particular situation. I still believe that there needs to be a purpose to who you tell: support for yourself, outing the A, keeping WW on task, etc. The "Shock and Awe" approach definitely has its place and managing the narrative is always advisable. In my opinion though there are really very few people who can offer you sound advice if that is what you're looking for. Clearly if the A continues then I would advocated telling EVERYBODY that would listen.

"dump the bitch, you deserve better"

^^^ This kind of advice, i.e. direct advice is of no real value unless they have lived through this themselves. You should discuss it with people who can 'listen' and keep you on task much like a psychiatrist asking you "so how does that make you feel?"

I was fortunate to have a couple of friends (partners) that were very good at doing just that: non-judgmental and empathetic sounding boards. Maybe I was a little weak, but I really didn't do well until IC and SI. The advice you get here is usually golden if you pick and chose the pieces that fit into your particular puzzle.

I would say that if things did move towards D I bet my opinion would change primarily for WALs point of controlling the narrative. Why it's different for me, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just still trying to be the gentlemen.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reputation.

Your friends will remember you as the guy who sucked it up, dealt with his shit and committed one way or the other. You're the guy who slogged through the crap and did what he had to do to make his life (or marriage) work. They respect it.


This
Because I can't paste all of it which was spot on by WAL
By telling everyone I received so much support by so many people that it was invaluable. People were already wondering what kind of malfunction WW was having. I was able to produce and narrate the whole situation. People were compassionate. Offering support. Acknowledging what a strong person I am, what a great dad I was, how much of an idiot WW is. Women were lining up to offer a hand. A few wanted to put her things out to the curb. Another wanted to take me shopping for a new wardrobe and watch my boys. Many couldn't believe I was keeping her around. I got plenty of accolades. One girl said she would have treated me like a God ( crazy eh)
Thing is I couldn't do it on my own. I liked the affirmation and outpouring of support.
I don't think many agree with me sticking around. They voiced that she doesn't deserve me. I can do better. Many cant stand to look at her. Some are upset at me. Some were concerned for my kids. All valid points. Things I needed to hear. Friends are invaluable.
If someone cheats everyone is affected. That is the risk WW took. It is a great price to pay. I didn't want to suffer in the dark, do something stupid. I was an emotional invalid and needed some guidance from people I loved and trusted.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why it's different for me, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just still trying to be the gentlemen.

I think it goes back to what you said above (and some of the other guys, too) about knowing your situation.

If you've got a goal in mind, it can be counter-productive to that goal if you tell people whom you *know* are going to give you advice contrary to achieving those goals. That's just good sense.

And, look, I want to be clear that I didn't do nuclear exposure to end the affair. I did it to get support and to punish my wife. Everything else was a fringe benefit I figured out later.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL, your points on wearing down friend/family members is well taken.

However, at least for me, the solution is not to spread the wealth among more people I know. It may very well be the very best thing I could do on some level - but the consequences are too great (her career, my kids having to hear it).

So, you poor bastards are going to have to suffer. Sorry.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, look, I want to be clear that I didn't do nuclear exposure to end the affair. I did it to get support and to punish my wife. Everything else was a fringe benefit I figured out later.

I'm not trying to be argumentative or condescending and I hope I don't come off that way. I'm new here and everyone here has my complete respect: veterans and newbies alike. Certainly not trying to wear out my welcome. WAL your posts alone have giving me more insight than the 10 or so books I read prior to finding SI. (I need to check out your book BTW) I'm still finding my way through this mess and making mistakes daily. Just trying to share my thoughts. Reading through this site and the wealth of experience it contains has and will continue to be invaluable. If I can give back just a little bit to just one person, I will think it will be worth it.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 10:37 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
ssi0318
♂ New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told people b/c she said she wasn't going to end it. I told a select circle of people in her world (her small family, her close friends, several of who in the past were the BS) that I knew that once she knew they knew (if that makes sense), that the A would have to end. It worked.

She then sent an email out to many of our friends and my family (none of who I had told), that she was sorry that I had shared something very personal, that it was only part of the story (really?). Anyway, she basically exposed herself to the rest of the world in our relationship. None of those people she told felt sorry for her at all.

BTW, I saw some texts on her phone this morning where she was talking with one of her work colleagues about getting drunk, telling him she was going to move to a new neighborhood, asking him if he'd be her gardner. I blew up on her this morning. Her response continues to be that she doesn't have any privacy, that she has a right to talk to people about these things.

She still can't come up with a clear answer as to why she isn't happy. I said, listen, I'm a good husband, father, partner. She didn't disagree. She said she isn't physically attracted to me anymore. Whatever. Maybe she likes older chubbies, I'm 40+ pounds less than what I was when we got married, in way better shape.

Anyway, I signed off on the petition for divorce papers this morning. I'm done. She's been living in a separate bedroom since February, when the kids go to bed, she retreats there. She refuses to talk at all about our marriage outside of the 50 minutes of MC.

I want to be with some one who wants to be with me. It just fucking sucks.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The advice you get here is usually golden if you pick and chose the pieces that fit into your particular puzzle.

Always. It's your puzzle.



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The unofficial motto of this place is "Take what you need and leave the rest."

I think it's a great sign that you're parsing what's coming in and know yourself well enough to understand what is likely to work in your situation and what won't.

And we haven't even covered Later's point -- which is you've got to pick your options within the bounds of your own conscience. Some people are very uncomfortable with the idea of "punishing" their spouses. It makes them feel like an asshole. It makes them a "that guy".

Knowing your boundaries and defending them -- even against your own moral outrage and righteous indignation -- is the healthy path. Your boundaries aren't mine, and it would be a disservice to any of you if I tried to make mine yours.

Please don't ever think of anything I offer as "answers" -- only "options".

Case in point: I knew my family well enough that I understood them having access to what was going on wasn't going to damage relationships long term if we decided to R. (And that was what they said to me: we'll support you in whatever you decide to do.) I still haven't told my sister, though, because she's a world champion grudge-holder (and I love her dearly).

If I'd told her then, she *still* wouldn't be talking to my wife.

I also gave each of my audiences only the information I thought they could handle and/or help me with. When I wanted "dump the bitch/you deserve better" support, I talked to jaded divorced guys whose first wives had been absolute harridans -- though, a bit surprisingly, most of that sort of feedback came from chicks in my office. Women are vicious with "fallen women", especially the poor self-esteemy ones who feel like they dragged themselves out of teen promiscuity or other-side-of-the-tracks reputations and into respectability.

That was all stuff I figured out as I went along, though. And you'll note the major, major SI faux pas I've just made, because I just publicly admitted to talking to female co-workers about intimate details of my marriage and emotional status was part of my recovery strategy.

That's the sort of thing I mean about picking your boundaries and what works for you. SI Conventional Wisdom is sort of like the Pirate Code...really more guidelines than rules. My only rule is that you do whatever it takes to heal yourself.

Whatever it takes. Period.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ssi,

Yep, it does suck. Actually it is tragic since you have kids and a nice family.

When I start to get down on myself, I remember that As for some are like a drug that physically alters the user. Sure, to begin with she had bad boundaries and did not manage the natural attractions to other people adequately (hell, there is always someone smarter, funnier, stronger, better looking, richer, etc. than you), but once she took the drug, her perception of me and what she wanted in life changed. Like via a simple switch I was dead to her, and nothing I could do could change that. For some, this is a temporary issue, for others it seems permanent. Maturity of the WW is a key factor in this I bet. But, the point is that it is her issues and nothing to do with you.

Maybe she will grow up one day and be comfortable with what life has offered. Chances are that you will be long gone. You will find great things ahead. The worst is behind you now, it is all upside!

--Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:47 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, I saw some texts on her phone this morning where she was talking with one of her work colleagues about getting drunk, telling him she was going to move to a new neighborhood, asking him if he'd be her gardner. I blew up on her this morning. Her response continues to be that she doesn't have any privacy, that she has a right to talk to people about these things.

SSI
Holy shit bro
I'm really sorry to hear that, that's terrible. Keep yourself together and maintain your composure. Take care of yourself right now in this volatile situation.
What more can you do? Your a good husband, father, your in great shape and you've done everything you can.
She's still fraternizing with co workers and expects privacy? Damn.
I'm still going through my ordeal and I'm not the best at giving advice but were here for you. Signing that petition must have been hard. All the memories and the commitments made. The strength you've showed only to be dumped on again and again.
But in the end you have been a pillar of strength and stability. I hope things get better.
I don't really know the success rate of reconciling a catastrophe like this but I know it isn't high. Shit, many of us may not make it. We just try to put the fire out. Clean up the foundation and rebuild but it's tough. From what I've seen many WW's bow out already when they choose to throw their families under the bus. They have emotionally left and have so many issues it makes the situation untenable. We as men do our best to salvage what we can and make sense out of it but to no avail.
Stay strong and good luck.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"For me, I told just about everyone. MIL second day. All 'our' friends. She called one of her friends in a panic on D-day because I was kicking her out. If I had to do it over again, I would have outed them at work. I blew it all up."

I hear ya bud, I outed her to a shit ton of people, and the only thin I would do different is tell everyone she works with, one thing I wish I had done is grabbed the mic at their Christmas party and said " attention people hungry for gossip, ww and the POSER are having a great time exploring their new found sexuality, feel free to congradulate them on their little high school fling, FUCK THE WIFE, FUCK THE POSER, thank you enjoy the rest of your evening."
Hindsight right,


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
ssi0318
♂ New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will find great things ahead. The worst is behind you now, it is all upside!

I just have to keep telling myself that. What I struggle with is that I truly do not want to divorce, I truly want to try and reconcile, but I cannot do that on my own. I cannot do that while she is texting another man, asking him to be her gardner, talking about how much she has had to drink, asking him if he's drunk, etc.

Because this type of interaction is just so foreign to who I am as a man, I have a very difficult time wrapping my head around the type of person who does this.

I gave her all that I had, and in the end, she didn't give a shit. I can't be with that person.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so a couple pages late maybe, but I had to say that I told this exact thing to my IC in my last session:
I do not fail.
At which point she gave me the “everybody fails” speech and I had to go on to explain almost this exact thing:
The difference is that *I'm* the one who holds myself to that. I'm not a perfectionist, and I fail to meet my own internal standard all the time. I am a lousy Christian, for example. I don't tithe as generously as I should. I don't give enough of my time and talents. I'm lazy more often than I should be. I have a foul mouth. I should be more authentically empathetic and helpful to others as a first respons than I am.
That's my shit that I carry: a million little failures a day -- not fast enough, thorough enough, insightful enough, caring enough. I can and should do better.
But that's okay: tomorrow is a new day, and another opportunity to work harder/smarter at it.
I believe that this was actually a big factor in what attracted me to my STBXWW, because she ‘does not fail’ either. I just know see that my not failing was for myself because that is who I want to be, and her not failing is a show so that others will see how great she is (and validate her). This leads to a big difference in how not failing is achieved. For me it is hard work, dedication, and consistency (even when no one is around). For her it is manipulation, lying, cheating, using people, etc. whatever will get her what she wants.


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WAL. Believe me, thee have been times when I have wanted to detroy her. But, my belief is that in doing so I would destroy my kids as well.

I have a decent imagination, and before Dday I came up with a lot of scenarios that would have been epic had I chose to carry them out.

I have shared some of those discarded plans with her, and I thought she was going to throw up.

[This message edited by Later at 11:09 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSI

What I struggle with is that I truly do not want to divorce, I truly want to try and reconcile, but I cannot do that on my own.

Exactly. My heart goes out to you. I don't know your whole story, but I believe you are doing the right thing. You know what you can put up with and what you can't - your boundaries. Marriage is a partnership and true R takes a whole lot of work and commitment (more so than M). Having a non-remorseful spouse hurts me more so than the actual A. Mistakes, even inexcusable mistakes, I can wrap my head around, but a lack of empathy will always confound me. Unfortunately that is your particular situation and you recognize it as such. As you have already heard and already know, it isn't about you. Her issues. Her failure. Her decision. Hold your head up high, take care of yourself and good luck.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 12:27 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure, to begin with she had bad boundaries and did not manage the natural attractions to other people adequately (hell, there is always someone smarter, funnier, stronger, better looking, richer, etc. than you), but once she took the drug, her perception of me and what she wanted in life changed.



[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 11:22 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I struggle with is that I truly do not want to divorce, I truly want to try and reconcile, but I cannot do that on my own.

My heart breaks to hear that, because i've been there. I felt the same thing and it took some major struggles for me to come to grips with that. Eventually I had to accept that I couldn't do R on my own and needed to be on my own. Lots of tears and heartache over that. These experiences are so hard when your in the thick of it but as I see the light at the end of tunnel (hope it's not a train) it gets easier and clearer knowing I made the right decision for myself.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone here read 'Codependent No More"? Therapist thinks that I should check it out with regards to my wife's drinking, looking for thoughts.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.