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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
ssi0318
♂ New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[Quote]What I am left with is I don't have answers to my questions, and I may never have answers that satisfy me. I do know that I can quit expecting those answers to come form her. She is more fucked up than I am, and she is not even really trying. She just wants to get beyond the immediate threat in the most expedient way possible.

This hits it on the nail for me. While WW and I are going to MC, I wouldn't say that we are at all in R. She won't talk about anything outside that forum, won't admit to anything outside of what I have already proven. I'm still in that limbo state, and it freaking sucks.

It's amazing to read what you all post because its so similar (especially the cardboard cut out bit). Things were good as far as I know, but now, according to her, she was "miserable", not unhappy, but "miserable" for years. Then she was happy while the affair was going on, but then I caught her and exposed it and ended it, and now she is miserable again.

I'm going to try and give this process such as it is 6 months from dday, so till mid September, hopefully I'll have some more clarity then.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been lurking and really catching up with this thread and a few before Part 10 for the last month. I can't thank all of you enough for sharing. It has been extremely valuable.

My story is so very much like that of so many others here. I am now 18 months out but have only really recently started to make any progress. All of the posts recently paint the exact picture of my wife. She demonized me, blame shifted, projected and has rug swept since D-day. We aren't really in R but as someone recently stated we just "aren't divorcing" yet.

After over a year of false R and breaking NC dozens of times (most recently in February) we are finally going to MC (for the second time). The difference for me came after the most recent NC relapse. I finally realized that I was being a chump and after finding SI started to detach. It has made all of the difference in the world. Well, at least for me. I am finally feeling good about my narrative and can recognize the crazy and PA behaviors of my wife. We have started MC (she didn't like the last one because she felt "judged") and I've been in IC since February (I had a little meltdown at the last NC incident).

I know I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and sincerely thank everyone for their participation. Knowing that how you feel and what you are going through is not unique is comforting. I have gained a lot of insight from everyone. I will try to provide to the ongoing dialogue from now on.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 10:39 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking,

Welcome to the best club no one wants to be a part of and membership is involuntary. As the saying goes, I'm sorry that you are here but glad that you found us. Feel free to chime in whenever - I know when I first joined SI I hung out in JFO for the longest time, as it seemed all the Menz knew each other and I didn't feel like I had much to contribute. The guys in this thread are great though and we can all benefit from each others perspective.

You did read the part about you have to buy the first person who responds to you a beer, right?


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred - I guess I missed the part about the beer but it is the least I can do.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 10:15 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to the vets for being here for us noobs. Welcome thinkingclear, this is a great group of guys to hang out with. I think jjct has a get together planned for 4th of July 2014, maybe you can settle up with Tred then. If you buy what he's telling you, that is.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this about sums up Dday and your discovery of us very well
Welcome to the party pal.
Looking forward to a get together someday.

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/qkyskI13KOs


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for this get together, the WW's are not coming are they? If so, we should book one big hall with no bathrooms.

(Sorry, sick joke I know. Gallows humor)


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for this get together, the WW's are not coming are they? If so, we should book one big hall with no bathrooms.

If they are, and there is drinking involved, we should all be VERY careful who we go home with, since we're pretty much all married to the same woman, anyway.

SK, I promise I'll tell her to get her ass out of the men's room before anything gets unzipped.

WWs? I vote no. But whatever, we'll have fun regardless.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 10:43 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's JJCT's shindig. For the record, I checked my wife's schedule and she can't make it (whenever it is) .


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having WWs at a NO MA'AM convention would be an outrage, and could cause President Bundy to revoke our charter.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We will all show up with the same woman. ( I'm sure if this was possible a WW can figure it out).
On that note perhaps we should bring our WW's.....who going to help us out in the bathroom.
Also we can participate in an awesome new game we can call musical beds.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:13 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man I might need to find a way to check NO MA'AM on the weekends. I can definatly relate to almost everything that was said.

First off

An hour later she was gone taking our truck and leaving me stranded

Can you say "powergrab" Guess she showed you huh. Do they realize how petty and childish things like that seem? Sorry atsenaotie!

Stillkicking:
amazing how pissed off I get on behalf of a bunch of guys I've never meet, when I hear things like that. Anyway, impressed by your restraint.
Sounds like alcohol should be a no-go for her. I hate making excuses for my WW but their is one thing that I have to admit when it comes to her PA. So the EA had been off and on for little over two years. Her doctor decided to change her antidepressant to something new. It changed her dramatically, took her to far off the other end. She cared about nothing, was completly uninhibited. this is when the PA started. Now I realize that maybe it was just a matter of time and the new AD just sped things along, but it certainly didn't help. We talked about how my concerns with the new AD and she agreed to get off them. It wasn't until then that she started feeling at least a little regret for the PA. Different substances have different effects on different people. Question is, is your WW really that bad with alocohol or is she just using the alocohol as a excuse for bad behavior?

she didn't like the last one because she felt "judged"
consequences are a bitch! We all know we are dealing with some weak willed women here. Should it be any surprise they don't have the courage to face their own deplorable actions.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW B444. Before I went for Basic Training years ago my father told me my goal should be to invisible. Don't stand out, for good or bad during basic.

About 5 weeks in my Drill SGT called me by the wrong last name when I was fire guard. Figured that was a pretty good sign I was doing my job.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DefiledRage

Consequences? What are those? My wife hasn't owned much of anything yet and to be honest I'm not sure she is capable or at least not willing to do so thus far.

It hasn't helped that I've been in a fog of my own most of the last year. I'm not a true codependent, but boy did I latch on tight to her after D-day. I knew what was going on before D-day and waited until after Christmas to confront her. I was prepared for her to leave because it was love. When she said she "didn't want to lose me" I guess I kinda short-circuited. I clung on and did just about everything wrong until I found SI. I had already read most of the usual books (Not Just Friends, Tough Love, Love Languages, etc.) but couldn't put into practice what I had learned. I was whipped and felt that I "could fix her".

My behavior has "enabled" her to continue to gaslight, TT, break NC, blame shift, project and really not to do much of anything different other than stop screwing another man. She expects no consequences and just wants me to "get over it". This was her "one mistake". Minimizing the 1000's of texts, e-mails, phone calls, kisses, BJs, sex (roughly 50 times by my estimation), breaking NC and not owning any of it. Blaming our "marriage problems" and the usual crap that most of us have heard.

Her family hasn't helped much either. There are some definite FOO issues that I totally ignored. Her father is a pastor and her mother had an affair when my wife was a teenager. There is a undertone of "we all make mistakes" and "forgiveness" is expected. I am Christian myself, but to me repentance and remorse look very similar and neither one has my wife displayed to me.

SI and all of the members, both new and old, have helped me detach and regain my self-respect. I don't know what the future holds but I know I'll be fine no matter what. I don't need my wife. I continue to do the best I can to salvage things for my kids but that is not enough. If she cannot embrace remorse and own up and address her issues I now know that is a relationship I cannot accept.

I've finally started to understand the consequences of her affair. Hopefully she will too.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 11:59 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or as we used to say in the Navy - never first, never last, and never volunteer .


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am literally held responsible for offenses that never occurred, opinions never held, feelings never felt

I was stunned at the level of disrespect my WW showed me, and I mean even beyond the most obvious manifestation - screwing another man.

Knowing what I know now I realize that all those times I attributed to her being in a bad mood, stressed, tired, etc. was in fact her just outwardly showing the disdain she had created in her head for me. I wrote this in another thread awhile ago:

Apart from those that are true sociopaths, there has to be some dehumanizing to have either an EA or PA. Once I tried imagining the types of thing my WW said about me in her head to justify her actions.
I pretty sure if I could she in her head and see those things, the M would be over. This is a person that is supposed to love you, and they are somehow able to imagine enough hatred to make our wellbeing worth less than nothing. These dehumanizing justifications are completey illusionary just like their new-found love.

How many of us deluded ourselves, pre-D Day, into believing that our W was the "normal one" in her FOO

This is one of the things that bothers me the most. For the most part my WW has raised herself above her upbringing. I always had so much pride in her considering what she had been able to overcome. That pride is gone now though. She hates her philandering mother, who is so bat-shit crazy I often wonder how she even functions in the world. I think I've discussed how her grandfather openly had a mistress for a large part of his marriage. The whole lot of them either are, or need to be heavily medicated to make them fully functional contributing member of society. I thought she was different...silly me! She's just as bad as the rest of them. How arrogant was I to think that because I came from a stable family that my example would be enough to stop the cycle of abuse and selfishness she grew up around. Again...silly me!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW B444. Before I went for Basic Training years ago my father told me my goal should be to invisible. Don't stand out, for good or bad during basic.
About 5 weeks in my Drill SGT called me by the wrong last name when I was fire guard. Figured that was a pretty good sign I was doing my job.

Great advice
I mentioned I was a former Army Infantry Drill Sgt
Usually there is a fuck up that will get all the negative attention. He's a good guy to have around. Then there is the highly motivated superman who also was in the spot light. Middle of the pack is a good place to be.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:09 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"SK, I promise I'll tell her to get her ass out of the men's room before anything gets unzipped."

Hey man much appreciated, we gotta look out for each other right!!


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444, I started to mention our FU's. The first was a tall guy from NY who was built like Thomas Hearns.

The first time I saw him he was dancing while triming the sidewalk with scissors.

The thing is, he was smart enough to know he was doing us a favor. He even said it, I don't know why you all act like you hate me, I am taking all the heat for you.

I loved the guy.

The second was just a mouthbreathing worm. We were lucky of he made his bunk and got to formation with the proper uniform.

The funny thing is that his father came to graduation. I will never forget standing in the day room when a Drill came through saying "guess whose dad locked his keys in his car?"


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
ssi0318
♂ New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any of you guys dealing with a LTA that went from an EA to a PA towards the end? WW said it went PA only for a short period of time (3 months) before I blew it up.

She's very detached, and although we are going to MC, we are not in R for sure. I can't shake the feeling in my gut that she's just getting her ducks in a row for a D. I suppose the alternative is that she truly doesn't know what she wants yet and is still trying to figure it out.

How long did you put up with this limbo crap?


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
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