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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am literally held responsible for offenses that never occurred, opinions never held, feelings never felt, personality qualities that no one but her thinks I have.

- The passive aggressive tendencies she must have to allowed her beliefs to fester is extreme.

You're hitting on my hot points as well, Later. It sounds like we are all married to the same woman because...we kind of are. The same type, anyway. Normal, healthy women don't sneak around having sex with other men. That's why I think intensive IC is a must.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not surprising they are so alike, I could've written/felt each of the following quotes myself

she must have had contempt, resentment and hatred for me for years.

would I have to constantly explain my actions, words spoken or not spoken in order to preempt her from creating this BS in her head?

I was stunned at the level of disrespect my WW showed me, and I mean even beyond the most obvious manifestation - screwing another man.

Somehow I was dehumanized during the course of our marriage.


Because in all the stories, the true princess is virtuous above all, whereas the wicked other is grasping through connivance and lies for external validation of beauty, youth, and power.)

Well said WAL or ladyV... The rub is that most BMz are usually so blindsided on DDay and during the aftermath, that they actually buy into the whole demon husband BS (I did) rather than see their fair and lovely wife for what she's been all along or for a long time at least. It's such a shock to actually think that rather than this being a slight 'misstep', it's actually a series of mind worms and relational twists with the actual adultery being just the apex of a long winded process. It's not a hiccup in her character, it's a coverup.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questiong for all those who heard. "I thought our M was dead."

How many others can point to pre Dday behavior that is totally incongruent (at least if she had any integrity) -- her pushing for: a new baby, a new car, a new house, etc?


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys, I have been primarily hanging out in LTA thinking we were headed to R. Tonight at a conference 2 hours from home FWW joined me for drinks with the department. In front of coworkers she chastised me for being too loud. Later she told me I was so bad I gave her splitting headache. At that I said I was going for a walk on the beach. An hour later she was gone taking our truck and leaving me stranded.

After texts (she would not take calls) she said she would be back to get me. I do not trust her, already set up ride back with a coworker.

Please remind me to grow a pair if I ever waver from D again. The sad fact is this is the second time since dday she has left me at a hotel.

Ten months into new job, and I have to explain W abandoning me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And B444

Exactly

because the "loving spouse" projects an image that all is right with the world. Mine would smile, say the I love you's, put out and do the card board domestic chores. In reality the other face is betrayal and dislike.


That's why I will never believe any of it, never even if she says it for an eternity. I'm more likely to believe (and respect) her if she starts telling me things aren't perfect but she wants to keep working with me through them, everything else is a lie as far as I am concerned, she did it with such perfection for so long that I've lost any and all ability to ever believe those fake smiles.

I never knew. I thought things were perfect. I was asleep. Complacent. I wanted to believe that I guess.

I always knew things were 'off' but never to the extent that it was horrible. Hey this is life, not Disneyland (or whatever). I felt EXACTLY that; 'asleep' , never knew... Wow.

Even love making was rushed or put off. She would be like hurry up or I have to wake up early. Made me miserable and unfulfilled.


Unfulfilled and just accepted it as 'probably the drudgery of married life and having kids'... Not true at all, at least in the HB stage I found , or rediscovered what was being kept from me for years. Can't say much about that now since we're almost back to the old routine and schedules in intimacy... Meh

[This message edited by noescape at 10:47 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many of us deluded ourselves, pre-D Day, into believing that our W was the "normal one" in her FOO? Sure, her mother is batshit and her dad and aunt are waywards, but my wife would neeeverrr act that way.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The rub is that most BMz are usually so blindsided on DDay and during the aftermath, that they actually buy into the whole demon husband BS (I did) rather than see their fair and lovely wife for what she's been all along or for a long time at least. It's such a shock to actually think that rather than this being a slight 'misstep', it's actually a series of mind worms and relational twists with the actual adultery being just the apex of a long winded process. It's not a hiccup in her character, it's a coverup.

For me it was not so much Dday as in the period after trying to make sense of it all.

You are exactly right, she desperatley wants to chalk this up to some great mistake. However, she can see clearly now and there is no need (according to her) to explore this any further. That would be counter productive, because she just wants to forget about this completely. She feels bad enough.

But as bad as she feels, there is always some ancient transgression of mine that she has recently recalled.

That transgression (real or imagined)is just another example of how she never beat me over the head for my mistakes. Why can't I do the same now?

WTF? She is, at the very least, implicitly using the "offense" to justify the A and she is pointing to this as an example of her grace?

Furthermore, time after time once we discuss the ancient transgression I can show it was nothing. So, how the hell does that support her opinion that not discussing marital concerns is the way to go?

And it all leads to the same questions -- is she really this fucking delusional or is all BS? Does she sincerely believe this shit or is she just playing the only cards she has? Is the truth so unbearable that she has to make herself believe? Does introspection threaten her by forcing her to face reality?

Fuck if I know, but once again -- either way it's not good.

One thing I am sure of -- rugsweeping will not fix the problems that lead us here.

I can see that if there is any chance for a future there would have to be a lot of hardwork on her part. Even then there would be no guarantee -- I would be taking a chance. But she has shown no willingness to do anything beyond what she believes is "working on the marriage." In reality, all that means is she is willing to force a "honeymoon period."


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many of us deluded ourselves, pre-D Day, into believing that our W was the "normal one" in her FOO? Sure, her mother is batshit and her dad and aunt are waywards, but my wife would neeeverrr act that way.

Well, that ended long befoee DDay. It wasn't about infedility -- it was about a loveless M form her parents. Fighting, spending money as fast as possible b/c if one didn't the other would, false public images so extreme they were different people.

I was young and taken in by her pointing to her parents' M as what she did not want. I believe she meant it then, but as time went by she slipped into what she saw growing up.

Ironically, I believe she still does not want that -- but she does not understand what causes it.

If she really believes any of the crap she thinks about me, in her mind she exagarates what she sees and thinks I am the one leading her down the path of becoming her parents.

IDK.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many others can point to pre Dday behavior that is totally incongruent (at least if she had any integrity) -- her pushing for: a new baby, a new car, a new house, etc?

we had 2 (more) babies through her "A years" - I dunno how many were active A years but she was def. dry-adulterer during those. theres a lot more i am probably unaware of but her excuse has been throughout that I was the controlling one (and what the fuck do you call all this decade long manipulation hon?)

How many of us deluded ourselves, pre-D Day, into believing that our W was the "normal one" in her FOO? Sure, her mother is batshit and her dad and aunt are waywards, but my wife would neeeverrr act that way.

yup, count me amongst those fools. I never knew the extent of her FOO fuck ups but I had a good enough idea to warrant staying the fuck away. Had always been a bit of KISA if I am honest, so i thought i'd 'save' her. i also didnt know how common adultery was in her family (but then it acted as part of her 'justifications' even though she was 'supposed to be better than them').

i think she did a good job covering up for a lot of their weaknesses other than the apparent ones. but yeah, she was 'different'... right...??? right????


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
WakingFromADream
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Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt EXACTLY that; 'asleep' , never knew

I felt that way to some extent hence my username. I had some of my own problems that I was starting to work through and get back in sync with reality. I thought that things on the home front were at least ok. Then DD hits and I'm in bizaro world for a while. Only now starting to get out of it.


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Nov 2011
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THIS is getting into weird territory

I was young and taken in by her pointing to her parents' M as what she did not want. I believe she meant it then, but as time went by she slipped into what she saw growing up.

Ironically, I believe she still does not want that -- but she does not understand what causes it.

If she really believes any of the crap she thinks about me, in her mind she exagarates what she sees and thinks I am the one leading her down the path of becoming her parents.

yup-we're married to the same woman.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That transgression (real or imagined)is just another example of how she never beat me over the head for my mistakes. Why can't I do the same now?

"lets not count that little matter of my adultery while we're at it..."


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the truth so unbearable that she has to make herself believe? Does introspection threaten her by forcing her to face reality?

i'd bet a small fortune on this


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That transgression (real or imagined)is just another example of how she never beat me over the head for my mistakes. Why can't I do the same now?

WTF? She is, at the very least, implicitly using the "offense" to justify the A and she is pointing to this as an example of her grace?

I told my wife at one point that since she'd used all of my failures to justify her A at some point, that I hoped she'd gottenn her money's worth -- because as of now, I have paid in full for all of those things. She was never allowed to bring them up again, because she had presented the bill and I had paid it.

If she still had resentments beccause her method of dealing with them didn't work, that was her problem...because I had paid.

I didn't even bother parsing the ways I had legitimately failed at various times from the ones that made no sense to me. Didn't matter. I got the receipt from my STD tests that said they were paid, paid, and paid in full.

I mean, it didn't actually work at the time, but it felt good to say it.

BTW, I'm so proud of you guys and how quickly you're picking up healthy ways to look at this shit and finding ways to differentiate your wives' crazy from reality. You're miles ahead of the curve with your clarity and insight -- much farther ahead than I was at even a couple of years out.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many others can point to pre Dday behavior that is totally incongruent (at least if she had any integrity) -- her pushing for: a new baby, a new car, a new house, etc?

We were trying to have a baby right up until a week before she met her new dad and two weeks before she took off for him. One of her big concerns when she left was whether or not I would take the baby if she did turn out to be pregnant because she didn't want it. We had just spent a nice chunk of money upgrading the furniture in the office a few weeks before that. Of course, as a result of her choices, the house is in the process of being lost and I have nowhere to put a lot of the furniture. All relationships go through ups and downs, and I knew we were going through a down but I had no idea we were in serious trouble. I also had no idea she was fingering herself over Skype to some dude in Ohio who had her convinced that he was Australian or that she had a one night stand a few years ago or other online things so I was pretty much in the dark.

How many of us deluded ourselves, pre-D Day, into believing that our W was the "normal one" in her FOO? Sure, her mother is batshit and her dad and aunt are waywards, but my wife would neeeverrr act that way.

I had myself convinced that she and her younger sister were pretty normal, in spite of the fact that her two older sisters were pretty nuts (the one directly above her in a scary, sociopathic way and the oldest one in an "I still liked her but man is she neurotic" sort of way. Her mom teases men and uses sex and sex appeal to try to satisfy her insatiable need for attention and her dad is a diagnosed BPD alcoholic who is just plain batshit crazy no matter which way you look at it. Come to think of it, her youngest sister, the one I liked and thought was normal, cheated on her husband a few years back with a significantly older guy while on a trip for work, came clean and they're still together. Huh. I guess having a shitty dad is really bad for girls.

All of the signs were there that I was with a pretty seriously unbalanced person. The only people who saw her for what she really was before I found out were my youngest sister who didn't say anything because she just had a bad feeling about her and couldn't quantify it and my best friend who had originally hooked us up and then pretty quickly decided she was crazy and bad news and tried to warn me off of her. Too bad I'm such a stubborn ass and didn't listen to him.

[This message edited by h0peless at 11:58 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1316 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
stilllovingher
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Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

srsly WAL,
this new batch of guys here are on the fucking ball!


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2384 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for everything guys. You have no idea how much you are helping me.

I feel like, for the moment at least, the shock and anger and confusion have lifted - (well, just enough so I can begin to think).

What I am left with is I don't have answers to my questions, and I may never have answers that satisfy me. I do know that I can quit expecting those answers to come form her. She is more fucked up than I am, and she is not even really trying. She just wants to get beyond the immediate threat in the most expedient way possible.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of the signs were there that I was with a pretty seriously unbalanced person. The only people who saw her for what she really was before I found out were my youngest sister who didn't say anything because she just had a bad feeling about her and couldn't quantify it and my best friend who had originally hooked us up and then pretty quickly decided she was crazy and bad news and tried to warn me off of her. Too bad I'm such a stubborn ass and didn't listen to him.

I keep thinking about warning signs in the past, and what I keep coming up with is "okay big guy, if nothing changes and you stay I guess you won't have to ponder the question of "what were the warning signs" when some BS happens a year from now.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discovered June of 2012 that my WW opened a PO box citing privacy concerns. I knew she was running up high credit card debt but did not know she opened a few cards in her name and the bills were going there.
A bill came to the house and when I questioned her she blew the fuck up and abandoned us for the week. That's when it really started. The big downward spiral and the revelations.
You see up until that point I thought I had the perfect family, job, house, kids, cars. Everything. People would openly say they were envious and wanted a family like mine. I was working overtime and making money. WW would smile, kiss me often, we had the whole date night thing. Sure we had our disputes but they would dissipitate.
Upon her leaving I befriended her friends because I was confused. What I found was horrible. She made me out to be this monster. A bad guy who mistreated and neglected her. It was like being hit with a sledge hammer. She had isolated me from so many people. Family,friends. I noticed people quit coming around but I didn't pay Attention. WW had a pattern of meeting people, forming a friendship, and then it would suddenly end. She would gossip about other people to me then turn around and do the same about me to them. It was like I was hearing about some strange and alien person. I couldn't believe my WW could do that. It hit me hard. I was pretty hurt. And it wasn't a couple of people, it was a lot. These people said they had trouble believing it because I was always fun to be around at parties.
I felt like an idiot. Like I would be around them and I was like" this whole time you all thought I was this abusive creature?"
One girl said she was at the house and was making breakfast. She wanted to spit in my eggs"
Now this girl loves me and despises my WW. This girl literally helped raise my kids and was best friends with WW. Slowly my WW had kept us separated. They hate each other now.
It's like a master plan. Demonize us. Isolate us from people important to us. And build some perverse justification. Gain sympathy. Get told they can do better or we don't deserve them. WW made them involuntary accomplices.
BS doesn't gossip. We go about our lives oblivious to this house of cards they are building. Unaware that we are in some strange mental war filled with booby traps. We're this evil villain or the reason for every tragedy that ever happened to them in their life. I believe that we become the punching bag for all their drama. The reason why they were handed a shitty hand of cards in life. We're the blame. Once we're drained. Once they have plowed into us enough to justify all their bad choices in life they will move on to the next victim until they are a lifeless husk. A never ending process. They need someone to blame. To absorb their anxiety.
Find someone else who sees them as new, whole, beautiful so they can start the dance over again.
My WW's mom was an alcoholic and died of cirrhosis of the liver. Then her brother, he was hit by a car as a kid due to lack of supervision. Left him in a wheel chair and serious mental disabilities. That's apparently when WW started her spiral.
I guess I was strong enough to keep her together until then but I could see her mom in her.
I was this asshole.
So thinking I could fix this, I cut her out of the cards and accounts and she got her own cell phone.
I said she was responsible for her bills and gas. She had a job as a personal trainer so I said her money was hers and I didn't want a dime.
I paid for EVERYTHING else. Of course eventually she met the slob. She just said fuck it. She said she thought our marriage was dead and she didn't think I would care anyway.
He gave her gas money and money for other things. I said that basically made her a prostitiute.
She said I never trusted her since June anyway.
Btw she denied ever telling her friends those horrible things about me. That I put my hands on her. Was cruel. Abusive. She said ALL her friends were crazy.
I looked on her FB account. She blocked them all. Every one. It was the same theme. If anyone tried to defend me in any way they were written off. She was done until no one was left. Her only friends are new people she just met.
And for the record I am not the person she made me out to be. I was a big dope who loved his WW and worked his ass off.
I didn't know what was worse. The false accounts, the demonizing behind my back, this fictional bad guy, the confession of drug abuse,and ultimately the A's with pieces of shit.
And things continued to go south with the Arrests and CPS involvement.
As WAL wrote. I asked her at one point, and this was before the big boot by karma" I hope it was worth it"
What can be worth the sordid picture she painted? Sleeping around and destroying her family, reputation, life, and image? That is a serious problem and it took a lot of work to justify her fucked up life. How can that be satisfying in any way?
What is to be gained by that.
To ignore FOO images and conveniently blame them on your partner when they rear their ugly head. That it isn't them, it's us?
Seems the theme is the same.
We begin to wake up and see them for who they are so they know its time to find and groom the next victim.
I will say She would have chewed OM1 up. He had no idea what he would have been up against.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 7:48 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


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