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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to pick my poison because I have a very healthy imagination and go with the truth triggers over the imagination triggers

yup, same here. Reality may suck ass, but I can assure you my imagination was far worse.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Whatevs
♂ New Member
Member # 38850
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump that ^^^^^

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
slater13
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Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IGBOK-
What will I gain from knowing ? I have a desire to know but does it help?

I am dealing with this with my WW as well. Same as many of us. We are 15 months out, and I am sure I don't know much of it. She will sort of answer direct questions, but does not volunteer information and has guarded answers. I think she believes whats the point. So it came up in MC today. I explained it like this-

If you read NJF by Janis Spring, she talks about the concept of walls and windows. Think of your marriage as a room and you and your wife are in it. When she lies and cheats and opens up to another man, she builds a wall down the middle of the room. Separating you and them. You don't know what is going on on the other side. All you know is what she tells you. When you expose or discover the affair the wall is partially broken down, but we (BS's) still don't know what took place over there. The thing is, the whole room is our marriage. The shit that happened on their side was still in the room. We have a right to know what happened over there, it is a part of our marriage. Not only that, but the more she tells you, or offers to your (so much better if she offers it), the more trust is built. You start to see her as part of the team, helping, not hindering the reclaiming of the room for the two of you. Every time she tells you more, she builds trust. The more disturbing the fact, the more trust effect it has. Our role again is to try not to fly off the hook, though of course that can't be guaranteed. It would be best if they would tell you all once, like a written timeline so it is not death by a 1000 cuts, but thats a different point.

So that's what I said today in MC. Our MC liked it and my wife seemed to understand. Still waiting on actual results though.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSS, what slater said ^^^^^

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
jasonguitarboy
♂ Member
Member # 22939
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slater, that's such a good analogy. I've said that I need there to be no secrets left between them. Everything that was theirs and "special" needed to be destroyed... by admitting everything and holding nothing back they effectively tear down that wall brick by brick. Its something I needed and still seek from my wife in my attempt to regain some trust, which is insanely hard at this point.

This is all such a mountain of bullshit. Infidelity should carry prison time. I'd rather be murdered.


What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....right?
"And there's a change, that even with regret, cannot be undone."
"No one plans to take the path that leads us lower..."
Me-BS 35
Her-WS 32 (surviving1979)

Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: nowhere
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJF by Janis Spring

Just in case future brothers read this and try to acquire said book, Not Just Friends was written by Dr. Shirley Glass.
The walls and windows analogy is a good one, thanks Slater.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've said that I need there to be no secrets left between them.

A big yes on this. And when my wife gave me the details, I called the MOM to let him know that I knew....and also to tell him he should get his ugly moles checked out and that I am sorry about his premature ejaculation problem. He remained silent like he had just been whipped by Zorro .

[This message edited by still-living at 6:54 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

My dog farted, startled himself, wondered where the noise came from. I wish my life was as simple.


Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***A BIG THANK YOU FOR ALL THE MILITARY BH's ON THIS THREAD***

I understand the trigger associated with an occupation. So far I despise tennis instructors and doctors. God knows how many others I should dislike at time of this post. I'm sure there is a variety of assholes just begging to have their asses kicked.
Went home last night. House was clean, dinner was made, and of course she was lovey dovey. Spent most of my time with the kids. Playing outside, playing video games. I lied beside her in bed. She made a few attempts to get close but I was nonchalantly avoiding it. I couldn't touch her. I was kind of disgusted. She didn't look attractive at all to me and I have been training so hard I'm a few numbers above from 1-10. I should feel that way. She asked me if I was being distant. I said no, I was watching tv, laughing a bit if she said something funny and acted interested in her boring small talk but the image of her still pervaded my thoughts.
This morning before leaving for drill she wanted a kiss. Said she loved me and sent the usual xoxoxo texts.
I don't want to respond.
No success contacting OM2. I'm not going overboard. I figure he's afraid of answering a blocked call.
I want to say thanks to everyone on the board for coping with a difficult trigger and kind of a dday 2. I knew it happened but hearing of it on top of being blamed again and her reaffirming her former feelings? For POSOM 1 was a torpedo that knocked me back.
I mean after all I've done since its terrible. You all took time out of your day to help someone else regain some footing.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOPP level 4 here at the base.
Probably should have suited up around WW.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed444)))

It stops when you say it stops.
I'm sorry man.

When she asks if you're being distant, you can smile & think;
"Why no, I'm very close...to myself!"

I posted a "metaphor" thread in jfo - hope it's some inspiration for ya.
For us all!

Tred, I was late to the thread - I vote for depth perception...but I don't think I have a vote...


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks JJ
I just kind of leaned back and closed my eyes. A moment of reflection, meditation, and catching my breath.
She said I had been abusive. Women have that locked down. The catch all end all. Emotionally. If we work hard, pay the bills, raise our kids, and not pine on them 24/7 we are emotionally abusive. Meanwhile she is physical, destroys property, endangers the kids, and fucks other men. What is that kind of abuse called. But we're men. We can't be subject to abuse. We have to take it. I'll admit,, I'm no Romeo. I'm not a Justin Bieber pussy. I'm a real man. I take care of women. Men have to be civil, logical, responsible. We have to have a modicum of restraint. Maybe that's why we want to beat down POSOM. To dominate them. Take our frustration out on them. To make a point. Like " I don't care if you really liked OM, he pissed himself".
Now WW is back to her selfish little texts
Her
Just so you know, when I get quiet and seem far away, it is because I miss someone. That someone is you and only you. I love you very much and feel like I am still walking on quicksand. I'm here. I love you. I don't always feel you. See you soon. Miss you
XOXOXOXOXOXO

Like WTF?

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
ssi0318
♂ New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking on this thread for a week or so now and am very glad I've found it, you guys are the best. It's good to know I'm not the only one and good to know I'm not going crazy. I'll have to post my story soon.

Anyway, WW and I are in MC, trying to figure our shit out. Last session I asked for more details, I'm the kind of guy who hates surprises and has to know everything. She flat out refused, saying basically that given how angry I am now, she doesn't know how I'll respond...she'll only cop to what I can prove (I'm the one who blew the A up back in March). Not helpful.

On the other hand, I asked her to make more of an effort to initiate communication with me, and she has been doing that. I'm away on a business trip this weekend (hello South Beach!), and she's called me each day just to check in and chat.

No real questions or anything, just talking out loud to men who are in the same boat as me. It's been a long tough 6/7 months. Detaching is fucking difficult. I still cannot believe my wife did it.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there 444. It's hard not to take the batting eyes bait.

The question we must face is, even if they are sincere at the moment (and there is a big question about that) does it really matter long term?

Of course the vag is the only thing they have going for them right now. It's a great way for them to try to get past addressing real issues.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course the vag is the only thing they have going for them right now. It's a great way for them to try to get past addressing real issues.

Bingo!
That's it right there! I'm a class A Vagitarian. Sucker for it every time. I'm like whatever, lets have sex and well resume later. It has control of me.
Here's a text saying that she is now devoted to marriage
Her
I love you and I am fully ready to devote myself to you and our marriage. I don't know where your heart is. You don't have to answer me now but I did see your flirts with the marine and how you were both exchanging how hot you think each other are. If it were me you would have flipped. If you aren't willing to make this work let me know. It has to work both ways. We don't need anymore complications. If finding someone new is really your goal, please let me know soon. Thanks!

She's trying to flip the script because I received a compliment from someone.
SSI
Welcome aboard. We're here for you bro. I am in your boat. WW banged someone and surprise, were upset.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still cannot believe my wife did it.

Welcome aboard ssi, that's a feeling that most of us on this thread can relate to. Sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

That's it right there! I'm a class A Vagitarian. Sucker for it every time.


You and the rest of us, brother.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called POSOM 2 today. I grabbed my micro recorder and called him inside the BMW. The car has good sound over the speakers.
Went kind of as expected.
I called him at home.
I was surprised he answered. I told him who I was and confirmed who he was. I advised him that i was giving him an opportunity to set the record straight. He said he didn't know me or WW and hung up.
I called him back. Again he denied any knowledge of her and said if I called again he would call the police. I laughed and was like really?I got heated and countered that we were going to go to the police. He was very unsettled. Sounded scared and hung up. Another coward.
The recording was good.
I didn't call back but now I'm in his head.
Let him think about it. Worry. He's got a lot on the line.
I'll leave it at that right now.
I find it funny that he knows exactly who she is but couldn't deny her fast enough. I'll give credit for the fast response considering it was recorded.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444 - dude, detach...make this about you from now on. Live. Love. Hug your kids at home and belt them in the car. Listen to some Eminem Not Afraid.

Rest of us...

There must be lights burning brighter somewhere
Got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue
If I can dream of a better land
Where all my brothers walk hand in hand
Tell me why, oh why, oh why can't my dream come true
Oh why

There must be peace and understanding sometime
Strong winds of promise that will blow away
All the doubt and fear
If I can dream of a warmer sun
Where hope keeps shining on everyone
Tell me why, oh why, oh why wont that sun appear

Were lost in a cloud
With too much rain
Were trapped in a world
That's troubled with pain
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream
He can redeem his soul and fly

Deep in my heart there's a tremblin question
Still I am sure that the answer gonna come somehow
Out there in the dark, there's a beckoning candle, yeah
And while I can think, while I can talk
While I can stand, while I can walk
While I can dream, please let my dream
Come true, ohhhhh, right now
Let it come true right now
Oh yeah

--- The King


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wincing_at_light-
When those guys come, you'll be their Night's Watch standing with them against the long winter of their souls.

Oh Ser, a "ASOFAI" metaphor...you know how to get a man all misty-eyed.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not at all proud to say I was a Vagitarian too. It is the thing that kept me - wasting my time for too long. Too long!

Somehow, like I said, it was a lot of incremental things that made me realize that the price of abundant circus sex was more than my soul could bear.

It was eroding.
Corroding.
I am so ashamed.
To put up with so much abuse for a wet dick.
Did you know? Vagitarian is from the ancient Sanskrit:
"P$$Y Whipped".

You, we all are - more than our dicks, aren't we?
Is there any higher oft-neglected voice within?
Something that plumbs our dreams?
That speaks to the high things within us?

Attach to that whispered spirit. Attach to deepest you.
You'll see that when you do it,
detach comes out of the blue.

I promise this with tears.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in other words, try not to let this happen to you ...


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
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