Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: PhoenixWife (43212)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL...?
sane...
functional...?
the Jedi craves not these things.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this totally reminded me of you, WAL...


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL...?
sane...
functional...?

No offense WAL


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None taken. SLH and I go way back.

And I can dig Chaz in the Wedding Crashers. Ironically, the OM gave me a copy of that movie and told me I'd love it.

You'd think that would make it triggers in retrospect, but I got to see Isla Fisher naked, which is a more powerful experience x10 than any possible trigger.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SLH and I go way back.

[This message edited by stilllovingher at 12:49 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think SLH is the original WWS . I was wondering when you were going to pop in, good to see you.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'd think that would make it triggers in retrospect, but I got to see Isla Fisher naked, which is a more powerful experience x10 than any possible trigger.

Now that is what I call healing.



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ironically, the OM gave me a copy of that movie and told me I'd love it.

Ha! Ironically, my POSOM former friend gave me Anchorman... And I've often fantasized about stabbing him with a trident.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WWS? wazat?

seems like you took some time off too, tred...no?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WWS = What WAL Said. It's shorthand for those of us who would otherwise follow up WAL's verbose posts with our own, nearly duplicate, posts. It's just easier to say "^^^ WWS"


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the key right there. Look at your WS and your opinion about her character before the A and now after the A, guessing its has completely changed. Zero integrity.

Knowing what you know now about her is bound to bring about What-If's. Goes back to that thing I said a few pages back; about my fear of being on my death bed looking up at her and feeling regret for spending my life with a women what would do that to me.

Defiled I meant to respond to this yesterday, it is so on the money. How do you put that genie back in the bottle? One of the reasons I hang out here is because I'm surrounded by men who were able to move past this nightmare and reconcile. Otherwise I'm not sure I would believe it to be possible.

Like I said earlier, all of the hot illicit sex in the world couldn't make me want to trade places with my wife. She had a hell of a good time for awhile, but man what a price. The total price is still to be determined. No thanks, not for me.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm knew to this thread and I need to ask my fellow brothers some questions ? First of all I've been trying to attempt R for years .My WW is doing the work to R . She is remorseful so I really don't know how to handle these issues?
1. How do you deal with the trust issue . I had to resort to extreme measure in order to catch my WW . Do you guy's check WW e mails and cell phone ?
2. We are going to therapy my WW is going to ic . My WW and the therapist say the main reason my WW had several pa's was due to lack of intimacy . Question is how do you give your WW attention and try to recover from the pain of the PA .
3. I've asked my WW to tell me everything about every "A's" she had . Her response " I can't remember or I don't want to hurt you more " would you want to know ?


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it sounds like she may have been the barrier to intimacy then, unless the therapist was using the word to mean sex, in which case... uh yeah, she had sex because she wanted sex...


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good questions it's going to be.

I get the same type response. Or a similar, "I just want to forget."

To me the failure to disclose is another act of selfishness. It's easier for them that way, so regardless of what you need they prefer the easy way.

It's also a lack of trust -- they don't trust you with the truth.

I am sure there is also an element of shame in talking about it.

As for the trust, I think that depends on them. What is she going to willingly do to help you?

I don't enjoy snooping, in fact I hate being lowered to that. I don't want to spend time each evening putting together the pieces of her day. BTW, I learned during the peak of my snooping that you can get a lot of "false positives." Things that look wrong but with more info turned out to be nothing.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Defiled,

...my fear of being on my death bed looking up at her and feeling regret for spending my life with a women what would do that to me.

Of course you and I have already spent a portion of our lives with a woman who would do such a thing, sunk time. Then there is the part of our lives after dday.

I am fairly comfortable that after a year and a half plus of IC and the work she has done, FWW would not turn to an A again. It is not who she is now, she has different perceptions and better coping mechanisms. I am also confident that I would not tolerate the behavior I did during her As, and I would much more quickly recognize A behavior. So if she does revert back over time or under stress at some point in the future it is on me to be quick to the ejection button.

I spent years of my life with a woman like than, but I do not expect I will spend more then a few weeks (worse case) ever again.

Instead, I think I will look up and see the FWW I helped to heal (actually I hope to out live her ), and the family I helped to hold together and teach valuable lessons about M and fidelity.

just my take...


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey OK,
Couple of answers for you that seem to work for me, though I'm relatively new also.(< 1.5 out)
1. How do you deal with the trust issue . I had to resort to extreme measure in order to catch my WW . Do you guy's check WW e mails and cell phone ?

I did at first. Demanded and got access to all of her accounts and passwords. Checked religiously/obsessively. Problem: in todays new technologically advanced world a throw away cell phone with full features is an easy way to circumvent any checking I could do. If she wants to cheat, she's going to. I'm busy working on myself and my issues, if she wants to go along for the ride, she's welcome to join. However, certain behaviors are required to keep her ticket.

2. We are going to therapy my WW is going to ic . My WW and the therapist say the main reason my WW had several pa's was due to lack of intimacy . Question is how do you give your WW attention and try to recover from the pain of the PA .

IMHO, she needs a new therapist. A lack of intimacy caused her to fuck other men? Rather than address the issues in her marriage, the solution to fill the emotional hole within herself is to fill the physical hole with other men's dicks? Why isn't the therapist addressing why the hole is there in the first place? Why is her coping skill to have someone else meet the missing needs in herself?
It sounds like the therapist is helping your WW blameshift this onto you. IDC what the issues were in the marriage, you didn't cause this. It had nothing to do with her seeking attention elsewhere. That is totally and completely on her. Your WW needs to be the one coming to you to "fix" this. The therapist really needs to read "Co-dependent No More", cause that's exactly the advice being give. Brother, please go to http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 and implement.

3. I've asked my WW to tell me everything about every "A's" she had . Her response " I can't remember or I don't want to hurt you more " would you want to know ?

Ask for, no, demand a detailed timeline of the events. Who, what, where and when. IMHO you can't heal what you don't feel and in all reality, her continuing to hide events will not allow her to be truly remorseful for everything she has done and she won't be able to make the changes in herself that she needs to without being totally honest. Also check
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp
just for yourself first, and then give it to her.

Sorry you're here brother.

Strength

I wish cracker jacks quit including therapists licenses as a prize!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lack of intimacy is nothing more than an excuse to justify an affair. As they say in the military
What's the maximum effective range of an excuse?
Zero meters!
Yep. She wanted sex with a stranger. A different dick. Any old excuse will do. I apologize for being blunt.
You can be Romeo. You can be Casanova. A white knight. Doesn't matter there is an excuse for all of the above. You didn't ask about her day. You got on her for not doing the laundry. You had a strict budget etc.
whatever the case it wasnt your fault.
There can be several reasons why she's not being Foward with her answers because she's in self preservation mode. She doesn't know how much you know and basically anything she says can be used against her especially if your future involves a court of law. In the interim shell hold her cards close to her chest. Since you may have never been in this territory before she may not be sure how you'll react. She'll down play it. Maybe by saying the sex was bad or not nearly as many times as it was. He couldn't get it up. Maybe she'll say he pursued, flattered her and asked about her day but whatever the reason it was her fault. Short of being raped she was a willing participant.
Of course as everyone says never confuse remorse with regret. You busted her. Unless she confessed that is a good ascertation.
I don't know or I don't remember is likened to taking the 5th. She won't incriminate herself at this time.
Stay strong brother. Approach this situation with cooly and calmly. Be matter of fact. Take care of yourself. Hit the gym. Connect with friends. Your not alone.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 5:44 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lack of intimacy is nothing more than an excuse to justify an affair.

Ha, isn't that the truth. Apparently part of the "intimacy" my wife was seeking was texted pictures of the other guy's penis. Not exactly Hallmark card stuff there.

It's all B.S. Most of the things my wife said were lacking in our marriage were precisely the same things she had been denying me for years - intimacy and communication. If she thought that she was going to get those things from a sleazy club-going player, then she miscalculated. She just got used.

Itsgoingtobeok, I'm all for working on the marriage but the wayward has to get to the bottom of their own bad behavior before that can happen. One dysfunctional spouse plus one healthy spouse cannot equal a healthy marriage.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 6:25 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think SLH is the original WWS

...nonsense...

...all my posts are original ideas...

...ask WAL...

...He told me so...

SLH


[This message edited by stilllovingher at 7:32 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IGTBOK:

I know this seem obvious, but I gotta say it...

perhaps if she wasn't so busy with "several" other dudes, she could've had enough time for some intimacy with you?

Any Dr who engages in victim blaming aint worth a shit.
but hey, I bet your WW loves this doc, huh?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.