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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why the fuck didn't I mess it all up by fucking some hot chick and beat her to the punch?

As a rhetorical question, that's awesome The real answer is it never crossed my mind to cheat, and I only get that perspective in hindsight. But if I had known ahead of time...


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why the fuck didn't I mess it all up by fucking some hot chick and beat her to the punch?

You're a person of integrity who honors his vows and commitments, maybe?

ETA: gutcheck, you should see the lowlife whose love and attention my wife valued more than her husband and her children's intact, two-parent home. I don't care how much hot sex she got, I wouldn't trade places with her in a million years and have to live with this shit.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:53 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GutPunch, I actually would have guessed that is the way I would feel. For some reason, over the last couple of years I had more women express an interest in me than I had in all of the prior years of my M. Perhaps women are just bolder these days.

But, so far I am just glad that I am not the one who has to look at my kids and know that I am the one who decided their security was worth gambling with.

Honestly, I feel less inclined to screw around haphazardly. At the moment, that's what I feel like I am going to be like even if the D goes through.

One thing I know will always hold true -- I will never screw around with a married woman. The pain inflicted is just not worth it.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If WAL were to suddenly say he is a madhatter, his words wouldn't matter any less in their significance on their own either.

One would do well to remember that my first marriage ended just over 20 years ago because I had an affair -- and then married my AP.

I'm not a madhatter by SI's definition, but I've worn both hats.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're a person of integrity who honors his vows and commitments, maybe?

ETA: gutcheck, you should see the lowlife whose love and attention my wife valued more than her husband and children's intact, two-parent home. I don't care how much hot sex she got, I wouldn't trade places with her in a million years and have to live with this shit.


Right on brother!
Once again you post gold
My WW's AP was bad, really bad
Seriously my reaction was like I didn't know what to be more upset about, him or her actions.
I said Channing tatum I can understand but THAT?!
I have women all the time coming on to me. Just yesterday I was speaking to a female marine and she said I was the hottest airmen she ever saw. Of course I was flattered. With all I'm going through I loved it. She's pretty hot. What did I do?
I said thank you. I didn't get aroused. I didn't drop my bearing. I'm not going after it. I have a filter. I have boundaries. Still.
Another girl is volunteering to hook me up. 20 something, petite, and smoking hot. I know she wants to move in. I can't do that until I decide which way I'm going to commit myself.
I refuse to become a cheat. I won't be a WS. Ill lose my merit and that's what I'm about.
I planned on being committed to my M forever. I can wait a little longer.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One would do well to remember that my first marriage ended just over 20 years ago because I had an affair -- and then married my AP.

I'm not a madhatter by SI's definition, but I've worn both hats.

Yeah. I was going to say it for HL but he doesn't need defending nor does WAL need the exposure from me.

I can tell you this. I have learned a lot from WS, arguably more from them than BS's. OU comes to mind. She can bring it and doesn't take shit from anybody.

I said this in another thread today...truth is truth...no matter who speaks it. It doesn't always apply evenly and it is often not clear. Piradello the Italian existentialist wrote (paraphrase), truth is like a shadow, its real and present but elusive, changing and slipping around corners whenever we look for it.

This thing we call human is a messy business. I think that is why humility is so close to humanity. Very few things are all or nothing.

The single most important thing I have used in healing myself and my M is to reach into my heart, remember the bad things that I have done to others and extrapolate those to my W in the form of empathy. It's gotten me a lot of blow jobs as well.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444,

I know where you are coming from. I remember the first oath I took when I DEP'd at 17...big ceremony, swearing to uphold the constitution, be faithful, all that. I realized then that my word meant something to me, and that I wouldn't promise or swear to do anything that I wouldn't uphold. At the time, it was all I had, literally. I don't need to get into my background other than to say "well, that sucked". But I could differentiate myself by staying true to my vows - that was pretty damn important to me. I clung to it like a life preserver at the time, and as I aged and grew wiser, I realized that staying true to what I promised was core to me, it always was, always will be. It's why I am where I am now career wise, and it doesn't suck. Except for the cheating wife part, I'd have to say most of my dreams came true. To be honest, there's only one left to carry out - my son wants to go to Annapolis. He's well on his way. I see that as my last duty, once that's carried out, I'll be free of the oaths I made many years ago. It'll be in his hands then. If you understand this, you understand. If you don't, I don't think I can put it in words.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

integrity

That's the key right there. Look at your WS and your opinion about her character before the A and now after the A, guessing its has completely changed. Zero integrity.

Knowing what you know now about her is bound to bring about What-If's. Goes back to that thing I said a few pages back; about my fear of being on my death bed looking up at her and feeling regret for spending my life with a women what would do that to me. I never want her to look at me with those thoughts. I don't want her to look at me with anything other than admiration and pride that she picked me in the end. Justice is the wrong word, maybe content, think I would be content if she thought of me that way in the end.

To be honest though not sure how I would feel or be doing if we didn't have our three kids. I think if you told me on our wedding day that she would cheat on me but I would have these three amazing kids in my life, I would still do it. I won't lie though, the what-if's I can think of are sure a lot more exciting.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 2:30 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why the fuck didn't I mess it all up by fucking some hot chick and beat her to the punch?

Another reason... since this "hot chick" would be knowingly fucking a married man, you would basically be having sex with the female equivalent of OM. That thought in itself is quite the deterrent.


Posts: 4570 | Registered: Dec 2010
gutpunch33
♂ New Member
Member # 36484
Wink  Posted: 2:58 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I knew the right answer all along. I will NEVER have a problem looking at my wife, or my kids or myself in the mirror and feel the shame, regret, remorse or self-hatred that my WW and every WS must feel after they wake up from their fog.

What remains for me is this sense of anger that I didn't do the crime but I'm doing the time. My wife made reference yesterday that she was so happy that our marriage has grown in strength and that we are doing so well. I was able to bite me tongue, but I wanted to yell "BUT I AM AND WILL BE PAYING A HELL OF A PRICE FOR YEARS TO COME FOR THAT GROWTH!"

I know that my wife has changed and I'm trying to refrain from kicking the chair out from underneath her. So for me, this forum is invaluable. I can bitch and moan at will to other men that are in my same boat without fear of hurting my wife's progress. That's what this forum really is, a place where men of honor can come to seek solace and vent safely.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2012
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillGoing,

You have a PM


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35377 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred
Amen brother. Spot on. I also DEP'd at 17. I swore an oath. I learned to be a man at the hands of merciless Drill Sgts who taught and demonstrated the value of 7 Army values. Loyalty, honor, commitment, selfless service, duty,respect, and personal courage.
It isn't always easy. We're always tempted. It's up to us to maintain our bearing. Sure, I love women...a lot but I love one particular woman above all else. The woman who bore my children. I would say that no woman's pussy is worth throwing away my honor and integrity in addition to a substantial pay check, my home, and the adoration of my children.
Some people don't have that. Some people are hypocrites.
I can say in hindsight my WW had a few red flags I chose to ignore. I don't know why.
Defiled
Your awesome. We're also on the same page. What ifs? Would I do it again. Sure. I love my kids. Can't imagine them never being born. It would hurt more than this if I made a choice against them. I would suffer through the marriage again to just have that. Absolutely.
That is a good healthy acknowledgment. They were worth this. Although she is the Jezebel that bore my beautiful children. I would do it again. ( anybody offended?)
Thanks for the break through
Speaking of which
My WW's blood alcohol results were thrown out. Bad warrant.
She conducted no field sobriety tests
The only thing they really have is bar employees saying she was drinking 6 hours prior.
The judge offered a felony conviction turned to a misdemeanor in a year.
3 years probation
Conditional license with interlock device on car.
To go to trial it's more money
If she's guilty it will be jail time.
It's a weak case.
Would you fight further. I think it would be beat.
Would you let her take the punishment. If my M turns into D it assures me everything.
I know your not lawyers and your stance would be just an unprofessional opinion but how hard would you fight. Sometimes I feel it would be fighting myself. I feel like I'm getting in the way of Karma.
Thanks



Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the break through

I'm there with you brother!
Exactly what I was thinking to myself when I was typing it. Didn't go look but actually wondered if I had said anything in the past that could be viewed to the contrary. Because I know without a doubt dealing with this is worth the sacrifice to have them in my life. They make me a much better person.

Like my quote says, "A moment of realization"

Glad we can all help each other through this nightmare.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm there with you brother!

Almost like taking a bullet to have my kids.
Actually if someone put a gun to my head and said ill spare you in exchange for your children never existing I'd take that bullet.
Seriously. Those are my vows.
Looking at it from that perspective would enable me to absolve WW completely. That still doesn't mean I'd want to keep her around. She's fixed so no more kids on the way.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I feel it would be fighting myself. I feel like I'm getting in the way of Karma.

How much of your feelings are based on revenge? At this point in your recovery, that's a fucking shit covered mint. Haven't had time for the 180 to clear your head and now you get to make a major life changing decision for WW.

IMHO, while I have been burned being the "nice guy", very rarely have I felt bad about it. Reading through all your venting, I've gotten the opinion that you are falling on the R side of the equation. I'd fight.

Even if it all goes to shit, the charges are there, CPS has been there, I believe she only has supervised visitation(?). Talk to your lawyer about what getting her off would do to your chance for custody in the event of D, but I doubt much.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much of your feelings are based on revenge? At this point in your recovery, that's a fucking shit covered mint. Haven't had time for the 180 to clear your head and now you get to make a major life changing decision for WW.

For someone going D it's a mint. Her life would be fucked completely. A criminal record involving the children. She has no leverage. No pull. No power. She did it all on her own.
I don't have a mind for revenge. I've kept her out of jail, spent thousands on her atty, kept her out of a shelter. She was a stay at home mom subsiding on a 180,000 yr salary. New Harley , Louie Vuittons, Christian loubatons, etc. she was spoiled while I worked my ass off.
Still. Not revenge. I've done a lot despite the humiliation and stress. Disrespect, the lies and deception. The blame.
It's the future. The future of myself and the children. I don't want to see her incarcerated but will I be a sucker down the road. Should she take this rap and do her probation. If only there was probation for a WW.
I can easily say goodbye and be done with it. I'm not
I'm still a white knight

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That still doesn't mean I'd want to keep her around

That's the rub huh, I'll take the first vow to get my kids. The second vow to keep her around, well, that depends entirely on what she does from here on out. I reserve the right....


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the rub huh, I'll take the first vow to get my kids. The second vow to keep her around, well, that depends entirely on what she does from here on out. I reserve the right....

Exactly!
Help her out I get burned
Remember I still haven't gotten full disclosure. I still feel like she's hiding a lot.
She's a bird with her wings clipped.
Is she really trying or not. She has a good track record of fooling me after all.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This forum needs to have a WAL folder where he can post all his wonderful advise to make it easier to find. Thanks WAL!

I second this motion. add a few other vets too; sg, jj, tred, wert, hl, vd ; all come to mind (sorry if i missed a few).


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The single most important thing I have used in healing myself and my M is to reach into my heart, remember the bad things that I have done to others and extrapolate those to my W in the form of empathy. It's gotten me a lot of blow jobs as well.

Wert is making a play to be WAL's heir apparent, I think. That's good stuff there.

I think of WAL as being sort of like a more sane, functional version of Chaz in Wedding Crashers. From an aura standpoint.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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