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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is exactly what happened to me. At first, I was very "gung ho" to correct all the things she said were wrong, the things she blamed her affair upon.

Later, as I got over the extreme hurt, anger, disappointment, blaming myself, etc.... I recognized what a total and complete lack of love and respect was required on her part for her to do this.

Then, I was no longer interested in the marriage. Fixed, not fixed, healed, not healed, don't give a damn. I just plainly didn't want to be married to someone who could do this, who thought so little of me to:

^^^^^
This was me... It got to the point where I didn't want her around except for sex... She tried to sex me back but in my mind all I wanted to do was fuck the living shit out of her to show her what she fucked up.... It was like living the life of a porn star for a while...

The ex became porn star like for the OM... Shaved, got a way too big boob job and was wearing Victoria's Secret thong matching outfits... This was one very conservative dressing, quiet, executive at a hospital before the OM got into her head and vagina...

After a while I simply couldn't get over the fact that she could stab me in the back like she did... Even though the sex was out of this world I simply couldn't trust her to be honestly communicative...

Hell, it got to where the only truth I knew was what I found out... What came out of her mouth was simply covering her and the OM's asses...

Once I decided, acted and proceeded with NC did I start coming out the other side...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was beginning to worry that I might have to storm the beach...

Haha...there's no way i'd let you do that...the beach is mine!

I could use a lift though

[This message edited by RyeBread at 2:19 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rye, if you need a lift I will pick you up in my new ride!!

[URL=http://s970.photobucket.com/user/reichslandrott/media/IMAG0055_zps05b2f8c3.jpg.html][/URL]

[This message edited by hardlessons at 3:18 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 842 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hardlessons,

I was thinking LCU but I'd much rather have a lift in your new ride. Very nice!!


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LCU! Totally different mission for sure! Thanks


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 842 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice ride!
That's what I'm talking about.
In reference to FB
Nothing in the archives post 2011. Useless.
I want to get a chance to download the archive but I heard some say it will include deleted messages others say it won't.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful ride, HL. I'm only a couple of hours from the AZ border, how soon can you get here?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In reference to FB
Nothing in the archives post 2011. Useless.
I want to get a chance to download the archive but I heard some say it will include deleted messages others say it won't.

B444, I bet it feels surreal just writing that. It's unbelievable the shit they've put us through. Anyone here sign up for this?

I could live with a wife who gained 35 lbs. during the pregnancy years and aftermath - hell I feel responsible. I could live with a wife who isn't always motivated to wear makeup, who sometimes thinks that sweats are the fashionable thing to wear, who sometimes relies on hamburger helper a little too much, and who went through a period where sex just once a month was enough (with me at least), but screwing another guy for almost 11 months while greeting me with a smile and a kiss each day...definitely not what I signed up for.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, with 420HP probably not too long!!


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 842 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice looking ride there HL! Ya'll excuse me for a second while I go take a bat to my Camry hybrid that just screams midlife crisis...screw 650 miles to the tank.

Rye, anytime mate! Always glad to drop off the bravest while we laid down the NGFS. Ah, the good ole days .

ETA: Good thing dlmos doesn't spend too much time in BM, I think he might get some Stang envy looking at HL's ride .

[This message edited by Tred at 7:33 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HL:
Shiny! ewwww, I like Shiny!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I wish I was here talking about something else.

DDAY was last month.

WW agreed to sign a joint petition for D, which has been filed and the calendar is ticking. She is asking me to reconsider.

She has reluctantly given few details -- and I know she is lying about the facts I have inependent knowledge on. I assume she is lying about the rest.

She seems remorseful, but I am sure that is in large part, if not totally, because she sees the consequences. I really don't know.

In any case, I am considering telling her that I will consider a reconciliation that begins after the D is final. The relationship would have to look much different than it did before.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They will always lie
You will never get the full truth
She is in full preservation mode. She will play you. She will give you little morsels and see what you accept. She is your adversary. No one knows you better than her. She has gas lighted you, hurt you, and deceived you. If you fall back she will gain ground.
This is the greatest deception you ever faced in your life. Your honor, your reputation, and your family. She did it because she could. She expects that she will get away with it. No other feeling compares to this.
It is surreal. Someone slipped in and stole your wife right out from under you and she was a willing participant. They conspired against you and your children if you have any.
Hey MC
I read no more mr nice guy
Good book
I also read memoirs of a bad boy
The married man sex primer
Survive her affair
The way of the superior man
I got a package in the mail the other day from amazon via my mother
Dr Phil -life code
Not a dr Phil can but it is a great book. Out of the above this book is fantastic. It points out everything about our WW. I recommend it. Dr Phil I have recently found has addresses cheating quite a bit. Google it.
My WW sees me reading it and would rather distract me with sex.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 7:44 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later, if you are considering R at all this is a good post to read:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Transparency and no contact are absolutes IMO. Call me a Sith Lord but I just can't comprehend a relationship functioning properly after an A without those two components. Remorse and honesty are also necessary but those two can come out as a process where transparency and NC are instant in-effect parts of that.

If she is going to lie to you then every time she does it sets you back to ground zero. If you know she is being dishonest you might want to just 180 her and tell her you're not interested until she can meet your terms, non-negotiable.

Good luck whichever way you go.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hardlessons - that is awesome. I am considering a ragtop version right now myself. Enjoy!

I'm one of those 'muddling along in the middle' reconcilers. I've made a LOT of progress, thanks largely to viewpoints I've gleaned from this site. fWW is coming along, but more slowly. We'll see how things go.

Peace to all.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She seems remorseful, but I am sure that is in large part, if not totally, because she sees the consequences. I really don't know.

Later, sorry your here. She is experiencing regret, not remorse. She has regret she was busted and is scared. Let her be.

You need to decide what your boundaries are and what you are willing to accept. If full honesty is one, don't accept anything less. Many wayward wives here on SI have spilled all the details. So it is possible, but it doesn't happen on its own. You have to tell her, I want the full story or XYZ, just make sure you are prepared to follow it up if she doesn't follow through. Good luck


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 842 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I have read NMMNG and The Way of the S. Man long ago. Will probably go back and read NMMNG again as well as others for the first time.

BTW, I can't help but think about the fact that I was doing the work (before I knew what I was really up against). And yet, I get the standard "I thought our marriage was dead" excuse.

Well, it may have been dead--but knowing that I have been looking for answers for a long time is reassurance in my mind that I was ready and willing to do my part. It helps me to see her excuse for what it is.

Currently NC is not possible, although she is looking for another job.

As for honesty, I have explained why it is important and she has chosen to continue to lie. That certainly does not motivate me to change course.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HL- nice ride. Although I would prefer black (although the AZ sun would make me reconsider it).

Sometimes the lies are done as a very misguided way to avert some of the consequences or pretend it did not happen. I was trying not to hurt you anymore.

The thing that gets missed is that they already hurt us, we just want to know how much. Changing this thinking can be a hard thing to do.

Detaching and carrying on without them is the best path. If they see you are ready to walk it can provide the motivation required to do the work. If not, at least you know who you are married to and you can decide if you can live with that.

The A didn't almost end my M, the lies she told about did.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, I can't help but think about the fact that I was doing the work (before I knew what I was really up against). And yet, I get the standard "I thought our marriage was dead" excuse.

Yeah, been there. My wifes attitude and perspective changed several years ago but I remember what living in that place was like.

IMO if NC isn't possible then neither is R, but those are your boundaries to lay out. Find out what you are comfortable with and stick to them.

eta:

Her continued dishonesty combined with contact, whatever the circumstances, is no way to rebuild any kind of trust.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:08 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I thought our marriage was dead"

I got that too - just never got the memo until after I caught her cheating. She unilaterally came to that decision and decided to start fucking other guys because I didn't care (according to her). I guess "I thought our marriage was dead" is code for I want to perform CPR on another guys cock so I'll invent reasons to justify it to myself, besides, I'll never get caught.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
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