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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct... you go bro

mine started in her early 20's. broken is broken; age is rarely a factor.

you'll see a few BM's who 'recognised' the brokenness of their WW's (or uncovered A's) by the time they were in their late 30's & 40's; by no means is this indicative of WW's suddenly going wayward at 40. Heck-most WW's lied through their 20's and 30's and covered their A's/wayward behaviours well enough through that period.

Over at the LTA section and another ICR forum I belong to "those who found out years later" (or something); its common to see abusive manipulation/cover up by waywards (PA/CA) through many formative years of the relationship and the marriage. I've seen instances where a renewed A or spate of wayward behaviour uncovers A's from 20 years ago!!!

In no way is this to minimise the hurt-it sucks shit whether she's 20 or 40 or 60; but if you're looking for a 'why' to crazy ass behaviour (which is the job of a remorseful WW and NOT the BM) then the MLC excuse is just that: an excuse. let her (and her IC) dig deeper.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow
#10 already. I'm still catching up on the other threads.
Just an update:
Mother's Day I got WW a card from the kids and a really nice heart shaped strawberry shortcake. The kids should celebrate Mother's Day. No matter what she will always be mom and they deserve to believe in her just like they believe in Santa.
She was appreciative.

Our anniversary was this week. I told her we were going skydiving. 10,000 feet. Surprisingly she went. It was so quick she didn't have time to think about it. I explained that I wanted to remind her of the butterflies she had way back when and the leap of faith we took. It was fantastic. I was a paratrooper and I wanted her to experience that.
Her chute opened
Back to the drawing board (j/k)
Her card to me was well written. Over a page that professed how perfect I am. That our marriage was the best. That I am her soul mate. I didn't get her a card.
She is still loving, appreciative, cleaning, and has been gardening. Setting up what she calls our back yard oasis.
On the court front, her warrant for her blood test on the dwi may be tossed. A crucial step was bypassed. BAC will be suppressed.
That's basically it.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her chute opened


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her chute opened
Back to the drawing board (j/k)

Classic


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her chute opened
Back to the drawing board (j/k)

That is just damn funny. Thanks for the laugh.

It started me thinking a bit. Iíve always leaned towards the pacifist side Ė turn the other cheek and all. Even some of the most evil people in the world who have been brought to justice over the last ten years I have had some twinge thought of ďthat poor bastardĒ when they meet their fate. Not that their fate was not just, but I always just have that thought. I had a dream a while back that was extremely violent, the AP met his fate at my hands and the dream ended with my W left to choose if it was her or I that would also die Ė she would either take my life, her life or I would take my own life. This dream shook me pretty bad. Glad I woke up before I could find out her choice.

I had never actually hated a person before all this. Now I have hated two people in my life Ė the AP and my W. I donít think I actually hate anyone now, but if the AP met his end I would not have the thought ďthat poor bastardĒ. Iím pretty sure I would feel happy then guilty for feeling happy. Or maybe even just ďmehĒ. Iíd like to get to a place I am more comfortable with this but Iím pretty happy with the progress. The POS will not be harmed by my hands and I will not have to suffer the consequences that would be the result of his receiving justice. Sometimes there is no justice, just a glass of milk to drink with the shit sandwich.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her chute opened
Back to the drawing board (j/k)

Yeah
I guess karma still has a soft spot for her.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2fwd,
even though I know this will likely fall on deaf ears(no offense, we were all deaf in the beginning, mostly).
let that shit go. There is nothing for you to "figure out" there. All the tricks she used to do with you, to impress you, is likely what she was using on AP. Its just how most people are.

The very best thing you or any noob here can do for themselves is GET OUT OF YOUR WW's HEAD!!!
Its not for you to figure out. Plus in the end, all the wasted months/years of "figuring them out" is going to boil down to: because she wanted to.
Everything else eventually means little to nothing.

Get out of her head and into your own. Start figuring yourself out.

now that the light of truth has shown you a more realistic view of your wife, as opposed to that squeaky clean image you used to have, Take that light and focus it on yourself....who are you, 2fwd?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The POS will not be harmed by my hands and I will not have to suffer the consequences that would be the result of his receiving justice. Sometimes there is no justice, just a glass of milk to drink with the shit sandwich.

FOL
I had my chance. I was wired and pumped up on adrenaline. I ordered POSOM on his feet at a restaurant while he was with WW. I told him I was going to kick his ass. He pissed himself. For real. Down his leg. I could have crushed the bastard.
And that's just it
I have 2 beautiful kids, great job, nice home.
He was pathetic, a slob, a poor bastard. Perhaps he had a little game, after all WW's are low hanging fruit. Easily manipulated. Or perhaps she manipulated him. Who cares. They were both pathetic.
I'm surprised the staff didn't call the cops. I realized my kids would need me and regardless of how the situation with my marriage turned out I had to keep my job to support my kids.
I offered amnesty for a confession which I got. I told him if I caught him in a lie I wouldn't be as nice the next time. I ordered him to do an about face and move out quickly before I changed my mind. He quit his job and moved out of State. To my knowledge he never contacted her again to this day. It's been about 6 months.
Confrontation can be dangerous. I don't advise it, you can get carried away. To my credit it made POSOM look like a complete pussy. How could she hang around with that? He was a coward. He didn't even try to fight for her. I actually told WW I was the one sticking up for her because he manipulated her plus he was fugly. I was bad. I even said a dog would fuck you if you let it.
But just as almost everyone here attest to the POSOM is usually always a degenerate.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
2fwd1back
♂ New Member
Member # 39131
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

let that shit go. There is nothing for you to "figure out" there.

Wert, still loving...
I am so trying to embrace this attitude. 180 and all. I am TRYING. But I still find myself thinking WTF would cause my loyal wife of 23 years to blow 2 coworkers within months of going back into the work force. This was just not us, no way. And I know....that picture of a wife is dead and gone. It just hurts like crazy.

Sal...thanks for the insight.

I can go weeks or even months where I think I am finding peace, but the questions and mental movies inevitably creep back.

Now I deal with events like Mother's Day, my birthday, anniv. etc with comparing them to last year when her A was in full swing wondering I wonder what she was really thinking during that time with me.

Hope it gets better soon.

Thanks all for the advice and encouragement.

[This message edited by 2fwd1back at 6:45 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


BH (me), 40
WW, 39
M 15 years, T 24 years
2 kids, 11 & 9
DDay 1 6/12 EA
DDay 2 7/12 Actually a PA
DDay 3 7/12 Wellllll... Actually a PA with 2 guys
In MC, Attempting R

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: USA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How could she hang around with that? He was a coward.

Yep Ė but you know I donítí think she did hang with that. She did not see that. She saw what she wanted to see and only what she wanted to see.

Iím glad you were able to get through that situation without any negative repercussions.

Iíve got to say it was tough on me to think how I could hang with that (my WS and the AP who was a ďfriendĒ). I saw what I wanted to see though and I did not see the shit. For this I no longer feel stupid. I feel human, normal and trusting. Still a shit sandwich but life serves them up sometimes. Sometimes its rib eye cooked to perfection, sometimes a stinky shit sandwich. Iím just thankful that I have some milk to help choke it down.

I guess my Mom fell down on the job a little. Momma never said thereíd be days like these, but she never said life was fair either.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2fwd,
we have all wasted plenty of time on that shit. no worries.
you will eventually get tired of it. but you do have to let yourself get tired of it.
You've got to find what makes YOU happy.
right now though, at 1 year out, it all just sucks. just try not to get stuck for too long. You gotta put this shit down and feed your soul every now and again.
What are you doing for yourself these days?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2fwd

But I still find myself thinking WTF would cause my loyal wife of 23 years to blow 2 coworkers within months of going back into the work force.

I can go weeks or even months where I think I am finding peace, but the questions and mental movies inevitably creep back.


The roller coaster is normal. What you have written about is all normal. This shit can drive you crazy. I completely lost my mind through this shit. Iím struggling to get my grasp on reality back. I donít think it will ever really make sense to me because that kind of lying and breaking of vows will never make sense to me. Lots of reasons that make ďsenseĒ as to what contributed to it, but at the end of the day the only reason that can make sense to me is that my WS was a selfish bitch who could not be in a relationship. If I thought she had not grown and changed or at a minimum was working on figuring her shit out, and I was not bat shit crazy (as I was) I think I would detach.

Remember the 180 is about you. Just focus on you a bit. Find ways to enjoy the kids and get out and exercise. And keep the processing on this shit focused on you. All of that is not directed at ending the M, it is directed and necessary for you to heal. There is some sage advice from some members here and you can probably spot it.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep Ė but you know I donítí think she did hang with that. She did not see that. She saw what she wanted to see and only what she wanted to see.

Iím glad you were able to get through that situation without any negative repercussions.

Iíve got to say it was tough on me to think how I could hang with that (my WS and the AP who was a ďfriendĒ). I saw what I wanted to see though and I did not see the shit. For this I no longer feel stupid. I feel human, normal and trusting.


Yep
She saw after our confrontation. She looked shocked and forlorn.
I can see how hard it would be to find out your friend was banging your wife. Someone you trust and even confide to about your relationship from time to time. Meanwhile they are laughing at you.
But it's not your fault. Sometimes BS's are also in a fog. I consider myself smarter than the average bear but when I trust someone close to me it's unconditional. I thought I had the perfect marriage. Good husband, father, hard worker. Provider. I had no idea! Now I have doubts about a lot of things. I know there were more than 1. Who knows maybe also with a friend of mine also. Everything is fair game. It's not you. There's a difference to actually being stupid and being trusting. I think that's the worst thing. It wasn't that they outsmarted us, it was that they took advantage of our complacency. Our love. Our blinders. Once they were exposed and we woke up all of their charades fell like a house of cards.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 7:10 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
2fwd1back
♂ New Member
Member # 39131
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of reasons that make ďsenseĒ as to what contributed to it, but at the end of the day the only reason that can make sense to me is that my WS was a selfish bitch

Completely relate...maybe too much. Initially I found it easier to accept some of the blame, but still lean on it to try and not go crazy with the whys...dangerous balance though because its not my burden to bear.


BH (me), 40
WW, 39
M 15 years, T 24 years
2 kids, 11 & 9
DDay 1 6/12 EA
DDay 2 7/12 Actually a PA
DDay 3 7/12 Wellllll... Actually a PA with 2 guys
In MC, Attempting R

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: USA
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not my burden to bear.

EXACTLY!!!


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone you trust and even confide to about your relationship from time to time.

I really never trusted any man to confide in about my relationship. Iím just not very trusting. Iíve always felt that the relationship was between me and W and never wanted someoneís opinion on it. Man that has changed. I guess I trusted myself before on this. Not as much now.

And the AP dipshit is not someone I really need to grieve. He was involved in nearly everything I did when I was a kid so it kind of taints a lot of memories. But I never was super close. Again I was never really very trusting. My close friends tend to run deep, and this guy always was a little shallow. Now I can see how shallow.

Iíve got to run (kids to be with). Iíd sure like to have IRL guys to drink a beer with and talk about this crap.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iíve got to run (kids to be with). Iíd sure like to have IRL guys to drink a beer with and talk about this crap.

Absolutely

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is actually my first post, been lurking since dday 2 though. Iím actually quite apprehensive to post this as you will see in a second. Decided because of the nature of my situation I wanted to get a mans only perspective first.
Anyone have any experience with OMM making physical threats during the A to keep them quiet? On two occasions towards the end of the A he joked to my wife that maybe he could (*insert threat here*) then he wouldnít have to worry about her telling me or his wife about the A. TOld my ws what a nice dirtbag you picked here. After my intial WTF, Iím going to kill this guy, I started to actually think about it and figured heís probably just using scare tactics to her to keep her inline. Obviously, once he said it the second time he was making sure she heard him the first time, because the first time she didnít really say anything, she was surprised and just changed the subject. Lets be clear though I donít know this guy outside of what my wife has told me so donít really know what heís capable of. Oh did mention his line of work with provide him with a certain degree of protection should anything actually happen. Perfect huh. Maybe I'll post a few more details if the responses seem to dictate that. Question is do I keep my mouth shut or blow the lid? As if this isn't emascilating enough now I have to just leave him to his merry little way?


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off how did you find out about them?
Second did she continue even after he allegedly made "threats"?
Without much background information it's hard to surmise the situation.
If threats were in fact made and she was forced to continue against her will instead of formulating a plan to go after this POS you may want to blow the whole thing up by advising WW that a police report is necessary and then Determine if her story is a fraud by her reaction. IE: attempting to protect OM or freaking out.
You always have to call bullshit first. As others have said this is the part where she casting you into a certain role and hopes you fall in line.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:41 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
McIlroy
♂ New Member
Member # 38648
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys - thought I'd finally join the party. Ain't got much to really say other than I'm drinking a beer by a campfire contemplating the universe. My story's really no different from the rest so I'll spare the details. Basically she's "confused" and now is in love with her boss. No kids for us (thank god), I'm 31 years old, and trying to find the balls to move on with my life.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2013
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