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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 10
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think WAL hit it on the head here:
I believe that there's a grace that also teaches kids about forgiveness and love. Just because one parent cheated doesn't mean the kids have to be doomed to lives of failure, misery, broken relationships and shit...but the deck is certainly stacked

Trust me this exactly why I was so shocked that my WW had the A to begin with. She adored her grandfather who openly had a mistress for years and years. The WHOLE family knew about it. I told her a hundred times I never respected the man after I heard about it. She is disgusted with her mother who has cheated many many times on all four of her husbands. We discussed at length (Even before we got married) that she would NEVER do that to her family. All the pain and turmoil it created. Her never growing up with a father and a mother who never thought of anyone but herself. She was raised by her siblings who were only kids themselves. She is completely devoid of type understanding as to what unconditional love is. She is hyper-sensitive to anything that resembles anything to her upbringing when it comes to our children. And yet here we are dealing with the very thing that she abhors the most about her mother. She repeated it, and passed on that legacy to her children. Her only response...At the time I wasn't thinking about that...wow that some self reflection there honey.

When I mentioned that she needed to be prepared that the kids would probably find out at some point because we live in such a small community she shriveled up in ball and began uncontrollably weeping. So even though this is something she promised herself would never happen, those parental examples come shining through. Never underestimate the effect one action can have on a young impressionable mind.
I too hope that this doesn't mean that my children are doomed to the same fate. It will also make me work that much harder to instill ideals in my children that do not reflect those of their mother.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that there's a grace that also teaches kids about forgiveness and love. Just because one parent cheated doesn't mean the kids have to be doomed to lives of failure, misery, broken relationships and shit...but the deck is certainly stacked

Ahh, I guess this part of WAL's post got lost in that other part that just jumped out at me.

One advantage that my kids have that my wife didn't have after observing years of outrageous behavior by her own parents - one healthy parent (I'm faithful and honest at least) and a really good counselor. Hopefully that will even the odds a little.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL
I archive a lot of good posts here but I think I need to have a section just for you. I would definitely like to have a drink sometime!
I told my WW yesterday it was the end of the road. Laid out mediation, seperation or divorce.
I came home. My toothbrush was broken in half in the garbage.
Went to the gym today. Came home.
SHE WAS READING THE BIBLE
Then asked if I wanted eggs before I left for work.
I said nope

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 2:20 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the nuances and consequences of an A can sure make for some very deep conversation. I love this group of guys, so much knowledge and wisdom.

To add to the crazy WW mindframe...my STBXWW and I were going through some finances last night and a bill came through for lab work for STD's for my STBXWW. So I said "oh, you went and got tested too. Good." Her response..."Ya, I don't know what you've been up to either." I sat there for a minute wondering what in the hell she was talking about. I go to work and come home everyday, same time like clockwork. I workout at home. I do 75% of all the housework. My computer, email, and phone are totally transparent. I had no idea where she was even coming from. She on the other hand has been out til 1-3 am repeatedly, sometimes not coming home at all. Password protecting everything she has, and still blames me for every poor choice she has ever made. All I could do was look at her and laugh, thats all that came out. It's too F'd up to even try to figure out what is running through her warped mind. Always wanting to play victim and never wanting to take responsibility.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude
That is all
Carry on

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL – not everything that is posted around here resonates with me or has much relevance. You somehow have a timely way of posting for me.

I will tell you this: you take care of yourself, you change your own narrative, you remember that you're more than the role of "husband" and "father" that you've painted yourself into, and you won't have those deathbed regrets. I mean, you'll still have regrets, because that's part of the human condition, but staying married to your wife won't be one of them.

This is something I struggle with. I get hung up on the roles and laser focus on them to the detriment me and the other roles I play in my life. I always have been like this and post A more so. I think it is part of what makes me tick and I want to change the gears a bit so I can tick a little different. I’ve got to get comfortable focusing a little more on me while I am playing the role I care about most “father” as well as “husband” and “provider”. Hell there are so many fucked up people in this world. Some of them came from good parents and should not have a reason to have FOO but they do.

Now if someone could just add a few more ticks to the clock so my cloudy brain can have the time to process all this shit AND wear all the hats.

This is what I know about God: when someone is truly repentant and has an honest-to-God "come to Jesus" moment, they are *transformed* into someone else. Their entire worldview changes in an authentic way that blows the old shit away. They have an enlightenment, a spiritual awakening, an illumination of the soul.
When you see someone really "get it", whether you're talking about religion or just understanding the consequences of your actions, you don't have any doubt. You see the transformation and know that it's true.

I don’t get it yet. I’ve had the opposite experience and it feels cold and dark. I have a lot of work left. The way I viewed myself, religion and the meaning of life were obliterated. It is weird at 47 yrs old to be here, but I am here so onward and upward. I will figure it out, what I want and what I believe. And somehow figure it out without fucking up the responsibilities I care about.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
greg888995
♂ Member
Member # 29244
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why? Because dress it up all you want and yammer on about "teaching our kids by our mistakes" and "we'll show them how to overcome hard times with luuuurve", there is a price to pay for destroying the family dynamic. She's taught your kids that it's okay to fuck other people...that you can get Jesus to smooth it over like peanut butter and there are no consequences.

That's what you call a fucking mind worm. Because when their marriages get tough (and they all do), *mom did it and it turned out okay* is going to be lurking in the back of their minds. Mom didn't defend the marriage, she trashed it and left the spouse who loves her to pick up the pieces and hold things together.

That's what she's taught your kids. Doesn't matter what you do...if your spouse loves you, they'll stick it out and pick up the pieces of your fuck ups. Doesn't matter how hard she might try to take it back in the future. The die has been cast.

When FWW was 18 her mom told her about how she had had multiple affairs (as did her father -- it was the 70s and they had an "open" marriage).

Fast forward to summer of 2008, the whole extended family spent 10 days in Martha's Vineyard celebrating FWW's parents' 50th wedding anniversary.

Fast forward to December 2009 (or rather MC after the affair ended): FWW said that knowing that her parents had had affairs but were still married played a large part in her self-rationalization that it was OK to be selfish; that maybe infidelity wouldn't necessarily be all that destructive.

That is the major reason that I will never tell my kids about what FWW did. I accept what WAL says about the collateral effects of even undisclosed A's. And we'll deal with them as they arise. But I'm not going to saddle them with the same shit that FWW's mom dumped on her. Two mis-paraphrase Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes: two generations of adulterers is enough.


Me - BH (47)
Her - FWW (46)
Married 17 years
Together 19 years
3 kids
DDay #1 - 12/8/09 (EA)
DDay #2 - 12/18/09 (PA)
A ended - 2/21/10
R'ed - 2/19/11

Posts: 540 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Metro DC
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW said that knowing that her parents (*EDIT-and many in her extended family*) had had affairs but were still married played a large part in her self-rationalization that it was OK to be selfish; that maybe infidelity wouldn't necessarily be all that destructive.

Chillingly the same sentiment I got from mine.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No wonder WAL has not had any affairs...he gets all the positive, external validation that he can handle right here!

well deserved validation, true...

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 4:28 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excuse me for putting my two cents in but are we actually validating affairs? I'm pretty sure that i'm in error but at times it seems that way.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 403 | Registered: Aug 2010
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I do this? “5 Realistic Reasons Why Women Cheat” on Yahoo. I know why they cheat. With whatever fucked up FOO, addiction or whatever else is eating at the WS and can help understand why the WS was weak, the reason they have an A is they want to fuck someone else. That is it. It feels good, it temporarily numbs a pain. An unhealthy reaction. I know this. Why do I spin looking for insight? Anyone have any insight?

[This message edited by foundoutlater at 5:00 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is it. It feels good, it temporarily numbs a pain. An unhealthy reaction. I know this. Why do I spin looking for insight? Anyone have any insight?

Sounds about right to me. Society almost encourages it as well. Women are taught to move on if they are not satisfied instead of accepting responsibility for something out of place in a marriage. An affair by one women is downplayed because it actually excites the senses of another. From there the ball just keeps on rolling.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 403 | Registered: Aug 2010
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coma,
Not sure what part of the discussion you were referring to, but after rereading my comments maybe I need to clarify a little. In no way does my WW's long familial history of infidelity validate her actions in my mind. Quite the opposite. She knew exactly what the consequences would be. She lived it and hated it growing up. Yet she went out and did it herself. If anything it speaks even more to her character, she has no excuses as to thinking that it wouldn't hurt anyone but herself. She knows that that justification is a fallacy. That is what I call EPIC failure.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If anything it speaks even more to her character, she has no excuses as to thinking that it wouldn't hurt anyone but herself. She knows that that justification is a fallacy. That is what I call EPIC failure.

Defiled Rage

Let me say first that i am sorry you had to experience infidelity at all. I agree with your post 100% and i am amazed you have kept your sanity. I think it was a few post previous that i misread. There are more than i thought possible at first. Then in hindsight thought it figures.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 403 | Registered: Aug 2010
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL,
that was epic...saved.
thank you.

I've thought about much of what was in those posts in the past.
The ripples, the skewed perceptions of a young child growing up during an affair and particularly AFTER an affair amongst the fallout...
...it makes me sad sometimes that our son probably won't ever know how "we" used to be. Ya know?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...it makes me sad sometimes that our son probably won't ever know how "we" used to be. Ya know?

my son can probably remember how "we" were, but the little girl will never know. I'm sad for her.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone ever watch the television show *snapped*?

Its about women who kill people. Usually a husband or boyfriend.

Startling how many women do this because of an affair. There is almost always another man in the picture. Often the WW gets the OM to do the killing for her.

When I watch this show I wonder how close I came to this happening to me. Anyone else ever wonder about that?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I watch this show I wonder how close I came to this happening to me. Anyone else ever wonder about that?

Yes, just yesterday the thought crossed my mind. I've seen the show. Of course I don't think my wife capable of something like that, but then again I never thought her capable of what she was doing this time last year, either.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any advice:
The other day i told my wife i wanted her out. Of course she cant be home anyway due to a protective order. I told her to get a job and find a place. I told her I wasn't giving her another dime. I should have left her in jail. After that a shelter would have been appropriate. She hasn't hit rock bottom because I've been keeping her safe only to deal with her tantrums and blame shifting. Still no truth. Still no access. She still has PW's. I finally called bullshit.
Came home from work last night and found a list of rooms for rent with prices. I kicked her out of the master.
I don't want to help her anymore. I e spent thousands.
I mentioned our mediation deal. She. Ow says ill have to do better. Ok
Mediation deal was pre DDay. Pre arrest. Pre CPS neglect confession by her in court.
She's got nada.
I've got to stick to this. She's reading the bible( thanks WAL)
House was miraculously cleaned yesterday. This is o e day after she snapped my toothbrush, lol,
Dude she even reversed the batteries in my remote to fuck with me.
And threw a tantrum in front of the kids. The kids said "uh oh "
It's the bi polar express
What to do?

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What to do?

Probably whatever your lawyer tells you to do. You do have a lawyer by now, right?


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
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