SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post here and please excuse me for not knowing the jargon and abbreviations - I hope you'll bear with me.

My husband told me about his affair on 3rd January this year (2013) and it is the worst news I've ever dealt with in my life - to say I was devastated is a complete understatement. The details (and I'll try to be brief) are that he met this woman through work, not a colleague just an acquaintance and spent more time with her giving her lifts and talking with her about problems with her ex. Ended up sleeping with her during the course of last year (2012).

He says he tried to finish it with her many times but she turned somewhat psycho (think Fatal Attraction) threatening to tell me and my family, threatening and making one suicide attempt. He finally told me on 3rd January - she knew he was going to do this and then took it upon herself to contact me (though I never saw it), my mother and my brother via Facebook to tell them about the affair. In my loyalty to my husband and not wanting to put my family through this I suggested he tell them she was just a complete nutter who wanted more from him, he turned her down and she did this for revenge. Luckily they all believed it.

We are now obviously just over 3 months down the line and trying very hard to recover. We had couples counselling and he has just finished individual counselling and we have been very open and have talked many, many times.

Obviously there's so much more in the way of feelings than I've explained here but I'd like to share my feelings/struggles right now in the hope of some encouragement.

I think I know enough about the other woman - e.g., I know where she lives, approx how old she is, her family situation and mental stability. My husband has told me they slept together "3 or 4 times" and that sex was "perfunctory". Prior to his affair I had really, really thought we were THAT ideal couple. Everything was great - we have a great house, comfortably well off, a good sex life, go on fab holidays etc do loads of things together (we don't have kids btw).

My current issue is that I can't stop thinking about 'details' - e.g. things like: what sort of sex they had, where they did it, did they laugh together, what sort of clothes she wore and other thing like that. When my husband and I make love (which has improved since the affair - kind of sickens me but also makes me glad - another issue!) I can't help picturing them doing the same - did he kiss her that way..... is he repeating something with me that was new with her?

Due to this I'm also running constant 'movies' through my head - I don't know the actual details so am making up my own. I've told my husband about this and he doesn't know what to do. I don't think that knowing these details will help - in fact I'd rather he lie and tell me it was all awful! But it is almost overtaking my mind.

My husband is unbelievably remorseful and has been as supportive as I guess he can be and I do truly believe that he doesn't want this to every happen again.

Please can anyone give me any tips on how to chase these demons away??

Thank you x

Hi UKlady, so very sorry you are dealing with this.

The mind movies and your constant thoughts about where/how/what they did are so normal

I did not ask what positions they did - I did not think that would help me. Once I mentioned that someone on this site had had sex in a van and when he looked down, I knew. I asked, "did you have sex in a car?" They did. Pathetic. It confirmed what I always knew - that this woman is a real loser. And given the fact that his blazer had been covered with hair at one point, I asked if she had a dog. She did. I asked those kinds of questions - trying to re-build that time in my head.

Anyway....I really tried to ask the questions I thought would help me. Not, "was she better then me?" "What did she wear?" The "high" associated with forbidden sex is not real. I can only help make our current sex life awesome. And its real!

For his part, he assures me that it is just the "two of us" in the bedroom. That the thought of what he did repulses him. These things have gone a long way in my healing as has his remorseful behaviour. He owns it.

I had mind movies almost every time I got in the shower for some reason. When visualizing a STOP sign did not work, I imagined kicking her in the face. Yes. That is violent. So not me. But its just an image and it helped.

Yes, the sexual bonding you are doing now is also normal. I read that couples who can do this have a far greater chance at R (reconciliation) then others who wait and wait for that first time. I am over 5 months from D-Day. The sex has slowed down now but our sex life is better then it was before.

So, in short. Time will help with the mind-movies. Ask questions but try to focus on those that will help you. I also recommend a book by Janis A Spring called, After the Affair.

Finally, if your H can say or do anything to help you in the bedroom then tell him what you need. ie" I need to hear you say that it is just us in this room. Or, I need you to LOOK at me when we have sex. Or, say my name.

And if you need to stop, just stop.

Affairs are so devastating - be true to you if you feel you cannot be in the moment. Totally normal.

Hugs. And good luck!

Thank you so much LA44 - it is immensely helpful to hear from someone who can understand the pain and assure me that what I'm feeling is normal. I guess this is quite a long post so quite offputting perhaps for many others to respond! lol

You have said some really helpful things and I'm going to continue reading and contributing where appropriate in this forum.

My husband and I really do want to R and he has promised he will do absolutely anything in his power to help including answering anything I ask him and telling me things I need him to say.

Thanks again

I am glad to help. Being three months in - two less then me - it sounds like you are both working hard for R but I am wondering why his IC has come to a close at three months in.

Also, in terms of rebuilding, keep in mind that it is very normal to have great week or two and then a few brutal days. You may even lash out. Normal! Although I think it is important to feel the pain, I also think its important not to sit there for too long because "what you give attention to, grows".

I do recall one other sex tip the therapist gave around the same time frame that you are in now. She suggested that for the time being, it might help to have a really...ahem...vivid sexual image totally unrelated to you and your H that you can call upon. So, whether you see it in an adult film or in a mag, or if you find a book and focus on that description in the book, then do that. She assured me that its only temporary - until you start to feel like you can bring your spouse into it more w/o reverting to mind movies of him with her. I have done this on a few occasions and it helps.

Also, I might add that this post MIGHT get more of a response on the "General" thread. In any event, by me responding a few times, it bumps it up - maybe someone else will respond.

I went through this too and felt like I was going absolutely bonkers. I was sure it would never end. The OW in my world was actually living in my house so I thought the constant plaguing of my mind was due to that. That detail didnt help but I've done enough lurking here to know that it doesn't matter how much contact you have with the other person...the mind movies go right on tormenting.

Also, LA44...I SO hear you about being plagued in the shower specifically and it's good to hear that wasn't just a weird detail of my own although I'd prefer it wasn't a detail for any of us.

Anyways, back to UKlady...I thought that crap would never end. The reasons for it being a problem were too strong and insurmountable to ever allow it.

You know what? It did end...at least mostly. Enough that one day I was shocked to realize I'd taken several showers without it being there. I'd done laundry and not once thought about all the stupid crap that 'woman' did to my washer and dryer (she liked to target things in my house symbolically...a real nutjob). I'd done many things that previously were the stomping grounds for all the movie playing mind garbage...without even thinking about it.

Allow yourself to fight the battles in your head to a point and with the understanding that they will stop. Don't go looking for them but don't kick yourself when it happens.

Mine went on for months. It was no fast thing. I'm sure they aren't even entirely gone but it does calm to a more reasonable level. Part of getting there is to believe it will stop.

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry you find yourself needing to be here but it's a great place to discover that you aren't alone.

Me too, sweetie. You can read my profile by clicking on my smiley face icon in my response box. I'm also 5 months out. I didn't realize back then that surviving infidelity is paralleled with the loss of a loved one. It's seriously traumatic. I'm so sorry you're here with us. But, welcome. Keep reading and posting.

Details. Oh, the details, the less I knew, the more I made up. Finally, I asked myself if it really mattered. I don't aks "position" questions, just if he did anything what I thought was weird, like anal, threesome, stuff like that.

The affection they had probably drove me nuts the most. The holding hands, the going out to eat, etc.

You will go in cycles of love/hate love/hate. It's healthy to FEEL what you feel and tell him.

Our MC mentioned it wasn't about the details for me, it's the fact that he "hurt" me. Now, when I think of them together, I tell him he hurt me, I cry, and he holds me. H is wonderful in owning his stuff. Sounds like you have a loving H, too.

To chase away the demons, after all the anger, mind you, I now focus on loving him, smiling more often, being in the moment, and more importantly loving "US."

Big hug to you.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:15 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

I'm a guy surviving his WW's A.

I feel the same way and have the same thoughts. They're normal.

Do I want to know details? yes. Should I hear them? No. An overview is painful enough. It's like reading in a newspaper about someone being tortured. No one needs the details to understand what torture is. Knowing the details would only turn into nightmares for us and we already have too much to deal with.

Also, what you're feeling is going to last a long time. There is help out there and there are coping mechanisms. eventually, you will be strong and happy again (I'm very far from there, but I read that from some of the veterans here).

Good luck. Stay strong.

UKlady, I am nine weeks past D-Day and am where you are at. I understand the need to know all of the details but please be careful whether you truly need to hear all of the details. It's very easy to get caught up in wanting to hear more and more. One question leads to another. And at a certain point, knowing too many details (especially the pornographic ones), makes it hard to move past the pain. At times, when I have been grilling my H about the affair, he has told me he is willing to tell me, but to please be sure that I need to hear the answer. I have started asking myself the same question before I embark on a line of questioning, do I really need to know this? If I am unsure, I mentally shelve the question and wait. My therapist has echoed this message. It has helped that H is very remorseful and regrets what he has done and has been completely forthcoming.

I struggle with the mind movies as well. Ironically, our sex life has picked up since D-Day. One thing that has helped me, is to have H stroke my face, look me in the eyes and say my name. It helps me to remember that he is here in the moment with me and not somewhere else.

LA44, thank you for the tip about recalling a vivid sexual image. I am going to try this. I have read several of your posts and I appreciate that you are sharing your experience and wisdom in all of this.

Hugs to you all.

Oh, thanks meplusfour. I find the posts of others so helpful that when someone like you tells me mine are too, well...I am happy to hear that.

Although I wish I didn't know so much on this topic!

Glad you have a few more responses UKlady!

I think we I am an oddity in that I needed to know the details. I needed to know that what they had is not the same as what we had. It wasn't at all what I had imagined (I had imagined way worse).

I also deal with the mind movies. While in the shower I listen to the radio, during sex I ask WH to rub my back when I trigger. The mind movies do get less frequent. I'm 13 months out and the mind movies are less frequent than in the beginning. It's a gradual thing that I barely even noticed.

What you are experiencing is normal, but with a remorseful spouse it does get better....it just takes a lot of time.

Oh my goodness - what wonderful and welcome responses!! Thank you so much everyone who has taken the time to read through my thread and post a response. I feel very welcomed here and sense that I am going to get some much needed support.

LA44 thank you for your suggestion of the vivid sexual image! This is a great idea - probably something I also do subconsciously but to bring it to mind in the midst of being with my husband sexually could well stop the, what I call, 'crippling comparisons'. And thank you so much for 'bumping' up my thread. I've only read things in this forum as I firmly believe I'm in the reconciliation phase (if that's what it is!).

BeautifulEmpty - thank you for your words. I can't imagine how awful it must have been to have been in the same house.... just terrible I particularly liked what you said about believing it will get better - that is worth thinking about.

libertyrocks I have even told my husband that what he has done was actually worse than my dad dying at only 58 years old with cancer. Do I mean that? In a way yes - because, although that was the worst thing up til now, my dad never had a choice in the matter. My husband, on the other hand, made that awful choice. I never believed I would ever cope with my dad dying at such a young age but I learnt, as we all do I guess, that time does heal (as much as that seemed such a cliche at the time!). " I now focus on loving him, smiling more often, being in the moment, and more importantly loving "US." such wise words!!

FeelingSoMuch - I have only asked for certain information - most of it came out in the very first couple of days of discovery. I don't think I need to ask the questions - I'm pretty sure they won't help and it is so very helpful to hear that I'm not alone in my concern about details.

meplusfour - I got worried about the improvement in our sex life I suppose because it seemed so incongruous that it should get better. There was a whole week when I couldn't even look at him because I recalled that hurt so badly but after that week I wanted him so badly - we were insatiable!! So, I'm glad to hear that it has happened for others too - thank you for sharing that.

Zayda1 - I'm like you in that I want to know that what they had wasn't any where as good as what we have - therefore to hear too many details might not be good for me. I told my husband, during our couples counselling, that I'd rather he lied to me and told me it was awful than hear that it was good. He did respond by saying that he wasn't lying when he said that what they 'did' rather than 'had' was poor, sordid, nasty, perfunctory and made him feel really bad.

Thank you again everyone. I hate it that I'm here but so glad that I've found this support

I needed to hear the details. It took me two years to hear them but my mind movies are less. That worked for me it may not for you. I wish I would of asked them sooner. Again that is what I needed. I wish you the very best! Hugs

LA i love your advice.

I've been having a lot of difficulty with the mind movies too, this thread was helpful.

Just posting here because this is something that I'm personally struggling with as well.

I'm about a month and a half out from my D-Day, but 3 months out from when my WW voluntarily ended the A.

I have been blessed to have a coworker with whom I have been able to share all of this with. She had a marriage that was as bad as ours was up to and during my WW's affair. Talking with her to try and understand what was going through my WW's head has been instrumental in allowing me to cope and emphatize with the emotional state my WW was in leading up to and during all this. I'm not saying what she did was right. It wasn't, but I can at least understand how susceptible she was to temptation.

Anyways...that's a tangent. Two MC sessions ago was our first one dealing with the A. The MC said that my WW was to answer any questions I had, but that I also had to consider whether or not I was prepared to hear the answers and if the question really mattered to me.

The week leading up to that MC session I took a notebook and started writing down every question I had. I think I hit somewhere around 50 questions. Then I put the notebook down, talked with my coworker, and re-evaluated. By the end of the week I had cut that list in half. After our MC session...it was down to about 1/10 of what it was.

Now...the amount of information you'll want/need to know is different for everyone, but I would strongly encourage you to carefully consider how much information you really need...particularly if your WH is truly remorseful and you think it is true.

What I have found is that you can get borderline obsessive-compulsive about details that may seem like they matter at the time, but are really just your mind trying to comprehend what has happened.

Just like a lot of people here, I initially felt like I wanted to know everything: how many times, what positions, etc...

So I wrote those down. Then I thought about it and asked myself if knowing this information was really going to help me heal or if it was just going to make the pain worse. I know they had sex. I know it probably happened multiple times. I know it was in a hotel right down the road from our house. I've reached a point personally where I feel that's all I need to know.

For me, the most important questions were:

1. Why did you feel compelled to go outside the marriage to meet emotional needs that you weren't getting in our marriage?

2. How long did it go on and what did you tell yourself to justify what you did?

3. How did it end and why did it end?

4. Did you love him/her?

I've gotten answers to #2, #3, and #4. #1 is going to take awhile...honestly I don't even think she knows the answer right now. She says that it was a very confusing time...she was friends with a co-worker, they crossed the line, and she fell into the trap. Then began the seemingly endless cycle of something happening, guilt ensuing, then something happening again. My WW says she felt like it was her own private hell.

I would encourage you to focus on questions pertaining to your relationship with your spouse because ultimately that is what R is about. The OM/OW is just that and if they are out of the picture then don't bring them back in unless you need to.

That's just one person's opinion and I've got the benefit of a WW that is truly repentent and is holding herself 100% accountable for what she has done. I realize that I'm far luckier than other folks around here and I really sympathize with people having to deal with multiple Ddays, false R, and some of the other horror stories I read. I pray for you folks nightly.

Anyways, hope this helps. I also recommend reading After the Affair. There's an entire chapter on this issue. Haven't yet recommended it to my WW, but I think I'm going to at our next MC session.

Great post Grim! I too feel very relieved that my H is truly remorseful. I could not continue to move forward if he was not.

I had a teacher friend say once: Sometimes I just turn down the volumne to see what is really going on in the class.

You can do this too with remorse. It is one thing to say, "I am sorry." It is another to behave that way.

Grim: Just curious - why not recommened the book to your wife now? Even prior to MC? My H bought the book, read it and asked me to read it. I stalled a bit not wanting to do anything he requested that first month but I did read it. It is very helpful, esp for those who wish to R.

Oh! One more thing. I ordered a book by Emily Brown - Affairs: Repercussions of Infidelity (something like that). Anyway, the reason I ordered it was bc she dedicates a bit of time on "obssessing". Glad I read it but I still find After the Affair advice that much stronger.

Finally, I just have to write this site is a life saver. I really don't know how I would manage w/o it. I stay on this thread too. I also read the Wayward threads as well. Their insight is especially thought-provoking.

Interesting quote. I actually had a chat with my WW about this last week. She has displayed her remorse through her actions, but she hadn't yet apologized to me. I told her how much that hurt and her reply was that she hadn't said it yet because she just didn't see how saying those words could make up for what she did.

I told her that I needed to hear it and, to her credit, she said that she was incredibly sorry for what she did. She did this while crying profusely.

I may see about getting her to read it. I'm not sure yet. I've taken the Plan A approach that is recommended by the His Needs, Her Needs book and it has worked for me. My wife and I are on the path to full R and I feel like we're much further along than I originally thought we would be for only being a month and a half out from my D-Day.

I am again so grateful for the responses to my thread and, already, just to have shared these feelings of mine and to know I'm not alone has lifted my spirits!

Grim - I completely get your questions you needed answers to and I'd say they are pretty much in line with what I've needed to hear as well. I do really struggle with the second question. I guess I could accept/possibly understand if it was a one off thing but to repeat the act?? Where was the justification? Where was I in his thoughts as he was 'repeating the act'?

I know in my husband's case the OW turned out to be a psycho - seriously threatening and attempting suicide, telling me and my family about the A - and he has told me he was trapped, blackmailed into continuing as it were. I accept this as the truth but still find it almost impossible and unbearable to know that he was with 'her' on several occasions.

As for your first question this has also been soooo hard to deal with. We have talked about exactly that and he did say that communication between us (specifically relating to sexual discussions) had deteriorated but that this wasn't a specific reason for him to do it in the first place. In fact, I know he can't give a specific reason and in his IC he was advised that a single reason is generally not the case anyway.

My sadness is that he couldn't talk to me about it before it got that far.

I agree with you about only asking questions that you are prepared to hear the answer to and at the moment I think I know all I can handle.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply

Grim, along the lines of a verbal apology that you needed to hear from your wife, my H said, "I would never ask you to forgive me at this stage. I have no right to do that."

So... the WS have these thoughts in their heads that make sense to them.

Glad you two talked about it and she expressed a sincere apology.

I struggle with mind movies still :-( For me, I did make up the details I did not have. They were always worse than reality. For me, knowing the details hurts more in the short term but helps me clear those issues out eventually. For me, not knowing was worse. it did make my mind movies more real and graphic but I would rather face down real demons than ones I made up. Assuming everyone is different or I am just from another planet but I do *NOT* under any situation do well with the unknown. I am the kind of person who can sit through ANY medical procedure as long as I know, step by step what is happening. A simple blood drawn without warning would send me into a panic and having me flinching and jumping. Just how I am.

When I first started really trying to process, I tested the waters a tad on how many details I wanted. I had these movies, asked a few specific details and then saw what the result was. Once I knew what it did, I was comfortable with asking way more. Like I said, for me, the crap I made up was worse. There are only a handful of questions I have not asked. I am not sure I ever will. I have filed them away and so far - I haven't made up anything to replace the truth so I see no point in asking.

Most days I *WISH* I was the kind of BS who could just say "knowing he had an A is all I need to know" but that's just not me