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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Holy Happiness! I've met someone. Need some advice.
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all!

I haven't been around lately, mostly because I've met someone. I feel like a teenager again! I mean it's almost embarrassing how "Gaga" I am over this woman lol. BTW, yes I do know it's very early for me... and yes I am keeping my wits about me and moving slowly.

Anyway, other than to relay my good news, I also need some advice. First a little background. The lady I'm dating has had it pretty rough. She's been D'd for 9 years and has a young teenage son. She works full time as a surgical nurse. Her xH was an alcoholic and abusive. She is very guarded for all those very valid reasons, plus the fact I'm coming out of divorce and she's worried I'll ride the emotional roller coaster for awhile. She tells me all the time that *I know the drill. I've done this for 9 years* Really hard to argue with experience like that.

So here's the advice I need. While I totally get *ALL* her concerns and I'm willing to take it as slow as she needs to, I still can't help all the emotions rushing out of me now. That's why I said I feel like a teenager. I haven't felt this in over 15 years and it's actually addicting. I try to temper it, but to be honest, sometimes I slip. She's been cool about it so far when I do slip and go overboard. She'll laugh and tell me to *settle down, it's just hormones* lol. Sorry to write a book here but it was the only way I could explain.

So how do I handle this? On one hand I understand her caution completely and on the other I want to immerse myself in the relationship completely. Should I just let her take the lead and follow it so she feels less cornered? Really looking for pointers here please as I really do like this woman.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 1:55 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly, I'm so happy for you! We don't meet many people in this world that we can feel so head-over-heels about. Just listen to your girlfriend though, take your cue from her and try to be happy in the moment. I too found joy with someone else after the pain of betrayal. I wish you joy from this.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 842 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's right. You have a long way to go - the emotional rollercoaster takes a long time and you've barely punched your ticket.

Take her lead.

She's definitely telling you to slow things down but you don't appear to be listening.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lady I'm dating has had it pretty rough. She's been D'd for 9 years and has a young teenage son. She works full time as a surgical nurse. Her xH was an alcoholic and abusive. She is very guarded for all those very valid reasons

Has she dealt with her own issues? If not, then I would urge caution here.

She's definitely telling you to slow things down but you don't appear to be listening.

Ditto.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cold showers? Snapping a rubber band on your wrist? Chaperoned dates?

Yes; back it down and go slowly. Read all signs carefully.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19809 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's definitely telling you to slow things down but you don't appear to be listening.

Thanks for reminding me of this. I have been lately honest, but I know I have to do a lot better. I really don't want this to end *before* it even gets started. BTW, we've been intimate but no vodeo-do-do-ing yet which is fine with me.

Has she dealt with her own issues? If not, then I would urge caution here.

Yes, she absolutely has dealt with her own issues. She was in counseling for years. She also only brings up her past when she is relating something to my situation, e.g., "remember, I've been through this" etc...


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember that this "new" relationship rush is probably what your WS was feeling. I'm not saying it is the same situation, because you both are free to date. But that "gaga" feeling is the same.

It is ok to go slow. If the feelings are real, they will still be there after more time has passed.

Good luck.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7645 | Registered: Aug 2005
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, I meant to ask another question. Remember I said she's been divorced for 9 years. I heard someone say at a recent support group meeting that *The longer someone lives independently (w/o a relationship) the more inclined they are to just remain that way* Anyone ever hear this? And if so, do you think there's any truth to it?


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
wildbananas
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Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard someone say at a recent support group meeting that *The longer someone lives independently (w/o a relationship) the more inclined they are to just remain that way* Anyone ever hear this? And if so, do you think there's any truth to it?

Well, I can speak for myself here... I've been truly solo for going on two years and yeah, even though I do miss the opposite sex and all, I do like my independence. A lot. I wouldn't mind dating but something super serious or living together and/or marriage? Uh huh. I'm nowhere NEAR wanting to share space with anyone other than the banana bunch. In fact, I don't plan on that until the last one is up and out (eight more years).

I'm glad you met someone you really like! But yes, remember... slow and steady wins the race (so to speak). If it's real, it'll stand the slow pace. There's no rush.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15362 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Kajem
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Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the rush?

Take your time...


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4856 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Target  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it comes on fast, it can fizzle just as quickly.

I wish you the best.


Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
TrustNoOne
♀ Member
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only speak for myself - but I've been divorced for 13.5 years now. I've been in a long-term committed relationship for 10.

I gave up alot in my divorce financially. When I took my marriage vows - it was "forever". Thanks to physical abuse and infidelity, I had to end the marriage.

I am not interested in having more children.

I am established in my career with my current name.

I am financially independent.

I love my long-term S/O with all my heart. I refer to him as "husband"...but to make that legal contract and spiritual bond again - no.

So for me, I guess there is some truth to it...the longer you are single the more likely you are to remain so.

One size doesn't fit all though. I think it's very much a personal decision.


Posts: 1320 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Trust and WB. That was the feedback I was looking for. I'm not trying to over analyze the question, I was just wondering.


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely slow it down and try to be very honest with yourself about whether you are using her to avoid dealing with your own healing you have yet to do.

The biggest and best reason we never listen to at first about dating too early is the risk of hurting someone else because we get swept up in the initial euphoria and don't realize how not ready we are.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4378 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
hatefulnow
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Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats and good luck!

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
lostmommy
♀ Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish you all the best, but I feel compelled to gently 2x4 you here.

I just dated a man for 2 1/2 months, and he was completely "gaga" for me. I told him he was moving too fast and every time I told him, he'd take a step back for a minute and then he'd be back up to his planned futures for us. It was just too much for me. Nice guy, but he freaked me out. I broke up with him because he wasn't respecting my need for a little bit of space. I wasn't asking for much, I just didn't want to jump right into the fantasy life with him. So please, take the cues that she's giving you and don't jump head first into something that she (and you, for that matter) might not be ready for.

I read the poem that you posted earlier, and to be honest, I don't think that she's at the stage to be receptive of receiving it. That's just my personal opinion.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was very easy for me to get totally wrapped up in my XSO right after separation. My XH showed me little attention or affection for years. He made me feel horrible about myself in so many ways, especially phsyically.

And here was this guy who desired me. Wanted to be around me. Made me feel good.

Was he the right guy for me? I'm finding out no.

I dismissed a lot of red flags because I was high on the relationship.

He was also single for 7 years. A lot of our problems is that he never took care of anyone but himself. He would have bouts of being distant with me. He would say the right things, but his actions felt very off. When that happened, I would feel abandoned all over again, just like what XH did to me.

Over time, I built up walls with him over him being distant and making me feel lonely. The walls ended up with me deciding the relationship was unhealthy for me. That I need to figure out more about myself.

[This message edited by tabitha95 at 12:58 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
cayc
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Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the poem that you posted earlier, and to be honest, I don't think that she's at the stage to be receptive of receiving it. That's just my personal opinion.

I have to agree with that. The poem was a bit manipulative b/c it essentially said she doesn't know her own mind and won't be happy until she chooses you.

There's a guy at my job, just in the midst of getting a D, and he sat me down one day and told me he was attracted to me and wanted to date me. And then ignored my clear "no". And then proceeded to call/text/FB/walk up behind me at work/pay me constant compliments about my supposed beauty and, damn. It was uncomfortable and off-putting and just TOO MUCH. It didn't flatter me and draw me in instead it pissed me off and made me kind of hate him. Besides ignoring my "no", he couldn't see that he was high on having a wife replacement after being treated poorly by her. I was polite about my "no", non-responsive to the rest, put him off in inumerable polite ways that he just didn't pay attention to, until finally I had to be blunt and rude. And even then he wouldn't stop apologizing as if I would succumb to that trick.

Don't be that tiresome guy. If she's asked you to back off, do it. You can't be a candidate if you ignore her most basic wishes regardless of how perfect you feel she is for you. I don't mean to be a downer, but seriously, be careful.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
reclaimingmyself
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Member # 27011
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to share my story - not sure if it is particularly useful for you but your post sounds so much like my SO.

SO, who if your stats in your siggy are correct, is about the same age as you, was widowed a couple of years before I was separated and divorced. He was crazy about me (his words) from our first date. I had made it very clear from the beginning that I was not looking for husband #2 ever. I also made it very clear that while I would certainly be in an exclusive relationship, marriage was not on the table. And I also made it very very clear that if he ever told me that he loved me, I would walk away. (Yeah, I had a bit of baggage...).

He acknowledged he was a couple years ahead of me on the path to healing and he decided that my rules were doable - he wasn't pushy, he took things at my speed and gave me space.

We are still together and doing great (I have even agreed to move in with him a couple of months) but only because he was willing to maintain the boundaries I put up. After being through the hell of infidelity with a person who still has no idea what a boundary looks like, this was a huge huge deal for me. Was it fair that I got to make all the rules? Of course not but luckily for me it turns out, he seemed to think I was worth it and was willing to go at my pace.

It is such a big deal for me to have a partner actually hear me and listen to me and when I eventually realized that I was being heard, I was able to start letting him in my world a bit more at a time.

If you truly do want a relationship with this woman, follow her lead, be patient and enjoy the beginning of this new relationship and let it develop into something stronger and more fulfilling over time.


Posts: 730 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Immersed in my happily ever after : )
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I didn't realize that this thread had been resurrected again. My bad cause there is some great advice in here. Thank you all for your replies.

I should note first and foremost that there is now an update to my original post. My lady has backed off a little from her her original stance and we are now an exclusive couple (her choice btw). She explained to me exactly why she agreed to this and while I won't go into *all* the detail, it has to do with her not wanting to lose me (again her words, not mine).

Before anyone starts to whack me with 2x4's lol. Please note that we talked about this at length and the *only* thing that has changed is the exclusivity part. We both know I'm very new and also both agreed to take things very slow and without any preconceived plans or notions. So right now things are very causal. We do talk daily but we are not together 24/7. I am completely fine with that BTW. If it is meant to be, then it will be and there is no need to push or rush it. I know that sounds different from my original post but sometimes I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed and it takes me a while to wake up to what is a best course of action.

Last but not least, marriage has never, nor do I think it will ever be on the table here. We've discussed this in detail and neither of us is inclined to marry again. While that may change, we're not going to waste any time over thinking it. Right now we're having too much fun.

It was very easy for me to get totally wrapped up in my XSO right after separation. My XH showed me little attention or affection for years. He made me feel horrible about myself in so many ways, especially phsyically.

And here was this guy who desired me. Wanted to be around me. Made me feel good.

^^^THIS (except for the pronouns obviously) and the reason why I almost blew this thing up before it even got off the ground. I had absolutely no affection from stbx in 38 years. Not only that, but I never had any affirmations either. My GF is spectacular at both, so it's no wonder I jumped at it when she offered. I now understand that all of that has to be tempered. I also know that I can not lose *me* in all this, just as I would never want her to lose herself. I've worked way to hard on *me* to ever go back to that codependent, low self esteem guy who put up with abuse for 38 years. I also truly never want to hurt her in this. We both know there is no guarantee that doesn't happen but we're willing to just give it a shot and see where it leads us.

As for the poem, I have to disagree that it was "a bit manipulative". I can see how you could think that not knowing what has transpired since my original post. I wrote the poem *after* she agreed to be exclusive. BTW, I did not send it to her. It was cool to write it and probably a good thing too because I got a lot out on paper that I might have said to her. I know she's not ready to hear it so I'll save it and maybe down the road somewhere give it to her. However, it's not a big issue if it never sees the light of day again. Incidentally, that is one of the greatest things about SI. I can share something like that with others anonymously and get advice/opinions from the same.

Thanks again for all the great advice. I hope you can see that it didn't fall on deaf ears. We both know this is going to be difficult at times due to the circumstances. Please wish us luck that even though we're bucking the odds, just maybe we can find a way to make it work.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 12:22 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
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