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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Mother's Day, foo-ey!
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent time with my mom and my mil for mother's day. This is so much harder than it used to be.

First of all I had to track my mom down to spend some time with her and bring her a gift. She wasn't answering any of her phones. She told my sister she was going to spend the day "cleaning her office at work" instead of coming to a presentation my neice was singing in. When I finally tracked her down she was at her home with a bunch of people her toxic WH (she has opted to rug sweep) has sort of "taken in" to replace her kids because we have all put boundaries in place to protect our families from his toxic influence. So I was able to deliver her gift and visit with her for a bit. I left feeling yucky all over. This is something I need to get some perspective and clarity on but it will have to wait.

Then I went to mil's house where we talked about BH's youngest brother who is 30, has dropped out of college several times, has no job, lives in one of his parents houses, and plays video games all day. My inlaws think BH and I (being medical types) should fix him. I told them that maybe if they would stop enabling him he might decide to do some work to fix himself. That went over as well as you all can guess.

I went home wanting to shower it all away...

TBH I'm feeling kind of vulnerable right now while doing all this work on myself. I don't feel all empowered and strong like most of you veteran SIers seem to me. I feel like if I could get the hang of healthy boundaries I could insulate myself from the messiness to allow me to figure my mess out without being driven crazy....

Thoughts?

ETA: I think it is harder than it used to be because I am starting to recognize stuff as unhealthy that previously would have not pinged for me...

[This message edited by knightsbff at 12:25 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like if I could get the hang of healthy boundaries I could insulate myself from the messiness to allow me to figure my mess out without being driven crazy.
Let me know how that works out for you. So far, no dice for me. I'm a bit stuck. My problem is old issues haven't been fully dealt with. Even with boundaries, there's new issues created. So old and new come together in this great climactic nightmare and I spend the night wondering "WTH am I doing wrong???" It's a process. And I haven't figured out the right formula to do it yet.

I think it is harder than it used to be because I am starting to recognize stuff as unhealthy that previously would have not pinged for me.
I struggled with this one for a long time. I was getting healthy and seeing the dysfunction in everyone else drove me nuts.

Sorry your Mother's Day wasn't all that great.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6061 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She wasn't answering any of her phones

When I finally tracked her down

Why did you do these two things? This is where things started to go off track for you. Don't chase. If she is hiding, send a text or card and let it be.

My inlaws think BH and I (being medical types) should fix him. I told them that maybe if they would stop enabling him he might decide to do some work to fix himself

Maybe it is best to not discuss him anymore. I can't discuss my brother who I don't have contact with. My mother continues to enable, he is an alcoholic. I don't want to know. So we don't discuss it.

This is part of putting up the boundaries, figuring out the patterns that aren't healthy anymore and stopping them.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4521 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
burntashes
♀ Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((knightsbff))) Sorry you had to deal with your mom and in-law's issues. You did what you could to connect with your mom, and told the MIL what she need to hear, even if she didn't like it. You can't change them, but you did your best.

Hope your week gets better.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s DD: 7 together 14 years, married 13
LTA
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.
Moved back together.

Posts: 352 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel all empowered and strong like most of you veteran SIers seem to me.

FWIW you've responded to other posts where you've sounded empowered and strong. We all sound stronger when we're being objective about someone else's situation. That's part of the reason that we can all be so helpful to each other.

I've had a bunch of days recently when I haven't felt at all empowered and strong. What you feel is as important as how you deal.

Don't chase. If she is hiding, send a text or card and let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, TG.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is where things started to go off track for you. Don't chase. If she is hiding, send a text or card and let it be.

^So true.
I felt I HAD to go see her on this day. I guess it's part of the role I play in our weird dynamic. I can change that though.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe me when I say I GET it. It has taken me years to start changing the dynamics I have with my parents. And to put down my boundaries, and then not have horrible guilt that I did it.

It takes time, at least you are noticing that something about this is making you feel uncomfortable. The next step is recognizing the actions.

Did you get to enjoy any of the day for you?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4521 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post really resonated with me. I have similar painful family dynamics going on. Am still working through erecting healthy boundaries as to feel safe. Not there yet.

I liked what you said TG about not chasing and not discussing brother. We leave ourselves wide open to be hurt by once again being the "bad one". A friend said its like going into battle with toxic families and takes days to recover. We have to choose carefully when we can do this.

Its painful.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you get to enjoy any of the day for you?
Yes.

I spent time with my kiddos and DD21 called me.

I'm not sure I understand it but I even got something out of the visit with my mom. Maybe it was just relief that I got it over with. But she seemed very happy that me and my kiddos came by.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TBH I'm feeling kind of vulnerable right now while doing all this work on myself. I don't feel all empowered and strong like most of you veteran SIers seem to me. I feel like if I could get the hang of healthy boundaries I could insulate myself from the messiness to allow me to figure my mess out without being driven crazy....
I don't know if this will make any sense to you or not, but I find that the vulnerability I now feel is empowering. It used to make me feel guarded and isolated, so I would throw up walls and not let anyone see my "weaknesses". Now by allowing that part of me to show, I am more honest and can actually construct healthy boundaries where I need them,and tear them down where I shouldn't have them. Not sure if this makes sense, I hope so.
ETA: I'm deliriously exhausted (both mentally and physically) and having a difficult time getting my thoughts across, I apologize if I sound a little out there.

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 10:02 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CG,
It makes sense. Get some sleep.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:28 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Topic Posts: 11

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