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User Topic: Being distant
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Concerned  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently moved in with my SO. I'm still adjusting, very disorganized, so many projects. Then my sister's new roommate died two days after moving in, she is struggling and I feel like I abandoned her.

I've been more distant with SO, not so into the affection thing, distracted. He noticed. Of course he would. Apparently he even took to the interwebs for clues. He was certain I’m not cheating. Asked me if I might be in a holding pattern with him. I’m glad he discussed it with me, I just wish there were an easy answer, something I could fix quickly and get back to normal because it’s not fair to him for me to be distant. Just feel so overwhelmed. So much pressure.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my sister's new roommate died two days after moving in

((Crescita))

I'm glad you two are communicating. This was a BIG transition, and it will take some time to adjust, especially with the added drama.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you told him the things you have told us?

When I am overwhelmed, it helps to have someone acknowledge it. It doesn't change a darn thing..except validates that I have a reason to be overwhelmed. And for some reason THAT is helpful.

(((((crescita)))))

[This message edited by Kajem at 11:12 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5282 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah we talked about it last night. Well some of these things, and some other things, it's just so many little things. I'm very thankful he asked me about it, and he seemed reassured, but I just wish there were a quicker resolution.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think that your distant feelings are temporary because of the stress right now? Are you worried it's more than that?

I started feeling distant toward SO when I was dealing with a lot and he wasn't helpful, he just stayed back...and now I'm thinking I want out.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there things he can do to help ease your transition? Sometimes asking for help or giving someone something concrete to do to help can ease some of the discomfort for both of you.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think that your distant feelings are temporary because of the stress right now? Are you worried it's more than that?

I think it's temporary, but that is where the pressure comes into play. I feel like he has been doing so much to make me feel at home, and I feel like I'm failing to get myself settled, failing to reciprocate. Letting others do things for me is challenging. Asking others to do things for me even more so. I know I need to let go of the tit for tat, but I feel unbalanced, indebted, like I’m not measuring up. So I want to do more, but I’m already overwhelmed and am just overwhelming myself more. It doesn’t make sense. I just want a break from everyone else. I, I, I. I just want to be selfish. Just a week to focus on whatever I want, not worry about what anyone else wants. I hope it’s temporary.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there things he can do to help ease your transition? Sometimes asking for help or giving someone something concrete to do to help can ease some of the discomfort for both of you.

There is just 1 bathroom in his condo. We've been remodeling it for over a month. There is a pedestal sink. No counter space, no shelves. So I bought a new sink he will be installing (he is being A type on this). I have to prime and paint the walls (I’m being A type on this). He wants me to paint first. I want the sink in first. We are at an impasse. I just want the bathroom done. Finding the time to paint once is challenging enough, let alone having to do it all over again after he replaces the sink. I can’t shake the feeling things will turn around once I have a functional bathroom to use.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thing is though, helping you actually helps him, if it gets you through this momentary "funk" faster.

Oh, and it's okay to be selfish and focus on yourself once in a while. Especially when you're moving, and the other roommates haven't moved out yet, and you can't get organized, and half your stuff is in storage and the other half is in chaos, and you don't feel at home yet, and your cat is still freaking out, and your sister is relying on you emotionally, and everything kind of piles up. It's okay to cocoon and take care of yourself!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

girl, give up the type A on the painting! Let him paint and install that sink!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're so overwhelmed, Cres. Moving in together is a HUGE adjustment and transition. I really struggled with it when XSO and his kids moved in with me and the bunch.

That, settling in and everything going with your sister adds up to a lot of stress.

Are you the type who needs to hibernate a bit when feeling overwhelmed? I know I am... I need space to regroup before I can attack the mountain. There's nothing wrong with that. Just keep the lines of communication open with your SO so he knows where your head is at. And yes, let SO help if he can.

Remodling will happen. Ya'll will settle in. Things will level out. They always do. We're here; lean on us when you need to.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys!

Ama, the other roommates moved out last week, so now I just want to get to all the stuff I've been putting off! I finally vacuum and then the cats throw-up three days in a row. I can't make progress when I can't keep up! I think I will ask SO to help me prime. The thing is, well he isn't so into the aesthetic portion of home repair as I am. He isn't even going to notice drippy paint, uneven color or wavy lines. It will drive me bonkers!

Wildbananas, I definitely hibernate. Retreat to the room with some wine, put on some trashy tv, play a stupid cell phone game. Introvert bliss.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you starting to feel like it's your home yet?

Remodeling can be very stressful on top of having just moved. Is there any progress being made or is it at a stand still?

Do you feel like he is being overly stubborn and unwilling to compromise? If this is the case, it would probably be upsetting me and causing distance as well. Compromise is a big factor in relationships.

Apparently he even took to the interwebs for clues.

What do you mean by this? Did he just go online and read articles/get advice? Or did he look through your internet history?


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....so paint sloppy, get the sink in, and then go back and fix the paint. You both win!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently he even took to the interwebs for clues.

What do you mean by this? Did he just go online and read articles/get advice? Or did he look through your internet history?

Just looking for articles/advice.

The remodeling is progressing, but umm, I can't focus. When one project reaches a standstill, I start another. I have at least 8 unfinished projects going. He is aware of at least three as I need his help on them. He says it's a honey do list from hell, but I view it more as a shit that needs to get done list, and if I could do it all my damn self I would.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says it's a honey do list from hell

I've learned that honey do lists get me nowhere. I have better luck in getting it done in a timely manner if I ask for them to help/show me how to do something. I think a "this weekend will you show me how to use the miter saw to cut and install the trim in the bathroom" seems less daunting than "will you install trim in the bathroom". Granted I will have to contribute more time but it ends up being a bonding experience and sometime I actually do learn something.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've learned that honey do lists get me nowhere.

I really detest the honey do list, but it's so hard to navigate with another A type, especially when it is his place and he has final say. Everything I mention as something I want to do he has to do himself. He's making his own list! I figure I'll do the whole caulking bit myself and I get started and he comes in and takes over because he wants it done just so. I say I'd like to get more pavers for the yard and he has more at a friend's house that he has to pick up. Look honey I bought a sink Ok so maybe I'm not allowed to install it so it will probably end up covered in cob webs. We'll get through this right?


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you will. All this sounds like adjustment and adapting to each other. Keep communicating. Keep challenging your thought processes and his when things aren't connecting right between you.

You'll get there.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25774 | Registered: Aug 2011
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, male chiming in! First I hope you feel peace soon. Second, I worked in the trades and the correct approach is to install first prone/paint second. This so tools don't do any damage to delicate surfaces EXCEPT in areas you cannot access easily because of appliances or fixtures. Sooo slap a coat behind the sink then move forward. SORRY if I'm off topic!


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just redid a couple of bathrooms, I'd rec'd painting first and expect touch ups. Did not paint the first bathroom first, it was a pain to go back and paint around. The next one I primed and painted and only had minimal touch up and I didn't have to tape, cover, worry about getting paint on all the new stuff.

As for being distant, I just got that talk from my SO. I know I was, I have been struggling with my finances, my life plan with my kids/house, and with the relationship between my SO and I. I had a lot of things on my mind, know I needed to communicate, but my SO just lost his mom a couple of weeks ago (after loosing his father in Dec). It wasn't the time to discuss all of my crap, but boy am I bad at hiding my emotions. SO called me out on it just a few days ago and we had a GREAT talk. He noticed it a while ago, but trusted me when I said that I'm ok, it can wait, now is not the time. It is a real struggle to communicate negative emotions for me, I was not encouraged this as a child and my ex sure didn't make things easy. He took EVERYTHING personally and every problem I had turned into a personal attack on him. I even heard it on the stand at our D trial, how he gave up on our marriage when I had come to him and told him how unhappy I was with him. WITH HIM?!?!?! I know the conversation I had and how horribly it went and how hard I tried to be non-confrontational toward him because it was my problem with coping with a sick child, a wild 4 yr old, and him working crazy hours. I went to him to discuss solutions (at that point my dd was 2 and had yet to sleep through the night because of all of her ear infections) and all I got was him shutting down on me. And to have that conversation used against me in our D trial, unfuckingbelievable!!!!

Anyway, SO knows my reluctance and has been wonderful about things. We are talking about moving in together in 1-2 yrs, so I guess I can anticipate some stress at that point too.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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