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User Topic: In Need of Support Team......
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During this "agreement" that you both made, will you still be living in the same house? Will you still be acting as husband and wife by sharing the household/financial responsibilities, spending quality time together, etc.?

Yes, i will not be leaving my home again. We will continue to function as a unit sharing responsibilities and social habits together.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 435 | Registered: Aug 2010
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, if you will be under the same roof, and will be operating as spouses normally would, I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open so that temptation for either of you will be kept to a minimal.

You don't want your WW thinking she has the green lights to do whatever she wants now. It seems like she wants life as she knew it before D-day but the fact of the matter is, no matter when you pick back up w/the conversation, you will still have a lot of emotions and issues to work through.

Her response to me bringing up divorce was a heavy sigh and anger. She said that she did not want a divorce and i stated why i brought it up. BS go through hell that last for years and still some of us don't want to be a burden to our WS. We at times look for a way out. Not because we wany one at different times but because of the weight of being hurt and returning that hurt on someone wr still love.

How can we still love this person that decieved and lied to use so badly?
That is a question that i ponder from time to time.

We agreed that we are still husband and wife. We also agreed that this thing is not over and acknowledged a ways yet to go.

I examined the things she said carefully and looked back upon myself and the words exchanged at moments. She has been helpful in some respects and stonewalled at times.It was my idea to clam up for a month and she seemed a little uncomfortable with that. The next thing i asked myself was if her reaction to myself with holding for a month true.

The reaction i saw was one of relief and concern. I was unable to judge the greater aspect. To myself the idea was sound because those triggers were not just hurting her but controlling me. I wa being controlled by something that OM had planted in my marriage. I simply felt that it was time for me to truly face myself.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 435 | Registered: Aug 2010
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trigger #2.....At The Mall

So there we are at the mall on an unscheduled shopping spree. Things are going pretty well and my mood is good. FWW and myself came to an agreement some time ago about finances. She wouild start paying her half of our mortgage. This was an after effect of her A. Needless to say i started raking it in quickly. Every now and then i like to show that i am not a complete cheapskate and this was one oppurtunity. A loyal husband i stood strong as she look at almost everything in the women's section. Holding articles and standing firmly in line to hold her place.

That's when i looked around and saw her by the undergarments. She was admiring a pair of particular black chemise that brought on this trigger. I felt this sudden rush of anger and revulsion start to well up in me. This atricle was a slap in my face and brought me from my good mood almost instantly. Iturned away so she would not see me looking. As i struggled to compose myself from the bad memories associated with the chemise. I started to break down right there in the store, right there in the line. Heartbreak was here again and i was starting to well up. I couldn't stop that negative stuff frominvading my mind.

A couple of minutes later FWW came back and i passed her the clothesand saying i had to use the restroom. I walked back out side the stores and just broke down. I hadn't done that in a while. After another five minutes went by i composed myself and re-entered the mall and met FWW. Thje trip home was long and silent.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 435 | Registered: Aug 2010
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the deal is over and i was broken. I found another piece of unmentioned information and got a little disturbed by it. I took it on faith that i could calmly tell her about it and i tried. The immediate response was anger instead of concern or support. I had had enough of this trickery.

I got in my car and drove around a little and then stopped at a bar. Now i am not a drinking person but i started out with a double of scotch and then some brandy. I met anotyher dude and lady that i treated to a round and talked with about crazy stuff. I actually started laughing with these people and some others. An hour later i left the bar because i didn't want to drive under the influence. I got enough to worry about as it is. I decided to stop by my in-laws a couple of blocks away and compose myself. After another hour FWW called which was a shock in itself. I'm on the reasoning that if i died tomorrow she would not miss me at all. And at this time i could carwe less. Never the less when she called i felt that i should not cause her undo concern. Making sure i was in decent condition i walked home.

Right now she is sitting behind me watching TV. And not once has she inquired as to the aforementioned topic of what upset me. Since i know better than to drink and post i will end this here. You have no idea how many times i had to correct even this small post.

Bottom line is that i don't want to be here right now. I want to be where someone is concerned enough about me to at least offer some support and reassurance.

I feel like such a fool for not wanting her to worry. When in truth it is i that could use a little comfort.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 435 | Registered: Aug 2010
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take care of YOU, Coma. You are bleeding out right now. It is not the appropriate time to worry about 'hurting' her feelings.

Coma, sometimes being all alone is easier than being with a person that is so dismissive of your feelings (btdt)....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww, Coma, so sorry. (((Coma))) You deserve better than the treatment you are getting.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like such a fool for not wanting her to worry. When in truth it is i that could use a little comfort.

This is what I was worried about from the beginning. It was all about her and sparing her feelings, but what about you? You're the one who was betrayed. If anyone should be bending over backwards is her. She broke her vows, she lied, cheated, and kept secrets. Now because of this you're in more pain.

I'm sorry she couldn't give you enough compassion to help you through triggers that her actions brought upon you.

I know you said you don't want to be here right now. But we are here for you and we're concerned for you.

Sending you positive thoughts and a big (((hug)))

I'm sorry you're hurting


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5823 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Cool  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Coma))) I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand the desperate need to maintain status quo. I tried so hard, for so long, not to rock the boat. Eventually, of course, the whole thing got overturned. There's just no way to keep the course when the boat's other occupant--despite his/her denial--is, in effect, feverishly doing everything possible to capsize it.

Your feelings and words and actions and stage of healing are not the problem, Coma. Your wife's refusal to own her behavior, including her continued anger at your response to her infidelity---something she's not yet done (and seems determined to avoid)--is what is rocking the boat you're in together.

I think you now see this. For me, the tendency, when getting a glimpse of it, was to deny. For a long time, it was scary because it meant acknowledging things that required complete change of....well, everything. Including how I viewed myself, my husband, and our relationship---and making decisions based on what really *was* rather than what I wished and hoped.

I sense you're moving away from wish and hope and toward truth. It will hurt. But I promise you something: as hard as it is, it's * never* as bad as living with an empathy-challenged, angry spouse.

You may find that the changes you need can take place within the context of your marriage, as you'd hoped. You may not. Either way, I wish you peace in your healing.

Has the 180 ever worked for you? If ever there were a time for it, it would be during this month of imposed silence. Use the time to your advantage, not just to appease; start drawing on your own strength and learning to let go of outcome. Discover that you can find happiness independent of your wife. Make this month WORK -- for you, not just the selfish woman who wants you to just get over it already.

Edited because..well, posts from my tablet make me read like the crazywoman I am.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:08 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8308 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello World


Feeling a little on and off these days but in a general good mood. Two days ago i gor hit on by a hottie and truth be told it was flattering. In another way it was insulting considering she herself was married. For lack of a more political terminology. I was not going to be her b****. I'm still married and trying to overcome my own issues to be tied to new ones.

FWW seems to be feeling some type of empathy lately. While watching a little TV she got strange look on her face. I asked her what was wrong and the words out of her mouth almost knocked me over.

" I'm sorry for the things i put you through. It hits me at times and i turn away from it for self preservation. I'm not oblivious to the pain and hurt i caused you. I just wish i had never did it".

I sat there a moment sort of stunned. I was about to comment on it but decided that at this time i wanted to show her some support. So i just sat next to her and held on. I didn't feel like i wanted to re-hash past events. I just wanted to give her my support.


Don't think for a moment that i have forgotten the harsh lessons taught before and recently. I just didn't think they were more important than trying to be there for her. I will probably feels stupid later but for right now...i'm allright.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 435 | Registered: Aug 2010
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Coma))))

Be careful - she could be just tossing you a bone here. The only way you can know if she REALLY means it, if she is willing to put in the hard work, is if her actions match her words over time.

Please take care of you. Don't keep lowering the bar and hanging on to tinier and tinier threads of hope.

Is your (F?)WW conflict averse/avoidant? If so, she will never confront these issues without some kind of therapy (imho). You will have to keep settling for less and less.

I hope that you will be strong enough to make YOURSELF a priority. You do not deserve the second-class treatment you are getting now.

I truly wish you the best. This is a tough road you are on (and unfortunately, yes, I know this from personal experience).

((((Coma))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful - she could be just tossing you a bone here. The only way you can know if she REALLY means it, if she is willing to put in the hard work, is if her actions match her words over time.

Please take care of you. Don't keep lowering the bar and hanging on to tinier and tinier threads of hope.

Heard and understood Mum. We are actually talking about a return to counseling together. My gaurd is still up.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 435 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 51
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