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User Topic: In Need of Support Team......
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today i sat FWW down and spoke about divorce. I don't want a divorce but i can't keep having flashbacks. It has been years trying to find our way back to each other and we have been really trying.

After a very heated exchange tonight. We are going to attempt an arrangement in the short term. I cannot bring up anything about her A for one month. She says she needs this to find us again. I agree because sometimes i can be insensitive due to my own pain. Amonth is a long time to suffer alone with no one or place to vent at times. I think she also deserves it for her efforts.

I will post here weekly for that month and some of it may not be too polite. I ask simply to borrow strength and support during this experiment.

I will give more detail as to how things are coming along. I fear the next stop may be divorce and that would be a truly unfortunate.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2010
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength and support, although I'm confused about the terms of this month.

Granted, I don't know your whole story. On the surface it seems callous of HER to demand that you not speak of the A. It's 2013, you're still in your 2-5 window.... is the issue that you bring it up at all or is this "insensitivity" of yours coming out in the form of lashing out?

We're here for you either way. You don't HAVE to make this work at all costs...

(((Coma)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17376 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
stillhere09
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If it has been years, then the idea may be a good one.

It sounds like an interesting experiment. Keep us posted and vent all you like. That's what we're here for.

Let us know how it goes.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in, Coma.

You mentioned that you've been struggling for years now. What do you think is holding you and your wife back from a full R?

I'm only 79 days in, but fear that the negative feelings that come from betrayal might be too hard to overcome. No matter how much time and effort we put into R, and no matter how much we love each other.

Just wondering if you believe this has happened to your marriage, or have you just fallen out of love with your wife.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find venting here lessens the intense feelings IRL...especially when expressing my intense emotions to H is unproductive. We're here for you!


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
RunningBlind
♀ New Member
Member # 39203
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow that sounds really unusual. but it sounds like you're very supportive of her if you're saying she deserves the request due to her efforts.

i hope it gives you both space and clarity. maybe she just wants some time to be one half of a couple where she didn't screw up, and really appreciate your togetherness. i know my WS would love an extended period of time when i don't bring up any of this mess!

good luck!


me: BS, early 30's
him: WS, early 30's
2 young kiddos

Posts: 45 | Registered: May 2013
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i hope it gives you both space and clarity. maybe she just wants some time to be one half of a couple where she didn't screw up, and really appreciate your togetherness. i know my WS would love an extended period of time when i don't bring up any of this mess!

I assume that you are more accurate than you suspect RB.

Where to start my story. My world came crashing down over the course of months to years in finding out aboput FWW's A. I would have to say that one reason for my flashbacks are the way the info leaked out. It took months for most of the coming to light. This in itself is a hard thing to digest much less drag out. So of course being spoon fed in this way can have a lasting effect.

Last evening in a moment of heated conversation. I came out with something that has been eating away at me and told her what i thought about her A. She has told me it was because of lack of attention and i believed it for a time. In reality her A was just for the thrill of it and i told her so last night. After a burst of tears and hostile verbal attack upon me. She continued to blame me for her actions and after effects. It was here in SI that i learned of this form of denial of responsibility.

I do believe that there are those WS that truly regret and make amends for thier transgressions. I also believe that half are more than afraid to look into themselves and retain full responsibility.

Anyway,during my next post i will tell you a little about my personality and hers. I will also share some of the things that i did after the A to reclaim......myself.

Thanks for you thoughts and support Friends.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Come,

My world came crashing down over the course of months to years in finding out aboput FWW's A. I would have to say that one reason for my flashbacks are the way the info leaked out. It took months for most of the coming to light.

I understand. I think this causes more brain trauma than the A. I forget at what point, but eventually it just broke me. We are here for you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3947 | Registered: Dec 2011
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in, Coma.
You mentioned that you've been struggling for years now. What do you think is holding you and your wife back from a full R?

I'm only 79 days in, but fear that the negative feelings that come from betrayal might be too hard to overcome. No matter how much time and effort we put into R, and no matter how much we love each other.

Just wondering if you believe this has happened to your marriage, or have you just fallen out of love with your wife.

Sall995

It is a long and toturous process and not meant for everyone.I am in at least 4+ years and some wounds are still open and all will leave a scar.

What i think is holdind us back at times is that she lies to herself. Believing that if she says nothing more, then nothing more will come of it.

As for falling out of love with my wife. I don't know of anything that could make that happen but can no longer discount the possibility.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2010
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are always here for support and strength. Post often, it does help.

I do have a question, though.

We are going to attempt an arrangement in the short term. I cannot bring up anything about her A for one month.

Maybe I'm missing something, but if you are doing this for her, what is she going to do for you for this arrangement?

Sending you lots of strength and (((HUGS))) to help you through this month.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'm missing something, but if you are doing this for her, what is she going to do for you for this arrangement?

This is a very good point because there was no counter offer. I know that hardly seems fair but i didn't ask for one just attempting to be of service to her for a time. What would i consider a counter offer?

1. Time together without TV,Phone,or Internet. Just us in a warm embrace sharing positive points. Maybe at least 90 minutes after work and during the five business days.

We both have strict working hours that interfere with snuggling on a day to day basis.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2010
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would i consider a counter offer?


Amonth is a long time to suffer alone with no one or place to vent at times

I don't think it's ever appropriate for a WS or FWS to ask that their BS suffer alone. EVER.

I know that rehashing has to stop at a point, but if you still have these strong of feelings they should be getting worked out, not rugswept.

These terms don't sound healthy or fair. It sounds like you're trying to make her happy with you so she will stay.

She should stay because she loves and supports you, not because you agree to shut up for month-long periods.

(((Coma)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17376 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have to say that one reason for my flashbacks are the way the info leaked out.

Same here and everytime I get a major flashback I start crying like my child died, it's awful. I had to find EVERY piece of info, I'm sure there's probably more, but he'll take it to his grave.

My WH just admitted to me that his worst fear is to be alone and this scares the holy hell out of me because I hope that is not why he is staying with me.

I like this thread. It is where I am at too. I fear that I will never get over this that I will always have this ptsd and all the other crap that comes with infidelity let alone all the personality issues


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She should stay because she loves and supports you, not because you agree to shut up for month-long periods.

She says that she does love me and wants to stay. The problem is that after such events. Can you ever truly trust again. No, not like before because innocence lost is gone forever.

I'm not trying to be obliging because i am afraid of her leaving. I still love her and that is surely my downfall.

I will honor that agreement but will also insists on her support.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2010
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my healing journey, I have used this method several times. For me. Not because it was asked of or demanded of me. I would be careful of other reasons to do this.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6455 | Registered: Jan 2011
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

like this thread. It is where I am at too. I fear that I will never get over this that I will always have this ptsd and all the other crap that comes with infidelity let alone all the personality issues

That is something that a truly remorseful spouse must accept and deal with as well. Which is another reason i am trying to give her a break. If i didn't feel she was trying then i would not have made the offer.

All WS are not indifferent to the pain they have caused but i will temper my anger enough to say this. They made the bed on which they must lie upon but only those few should know the comfort of love laying just besides them.

I imagine it is not always easy for those few that truly regret their mistake but hopefully the support of the BS makes all the difference in the world to them.


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2010
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my healing journey, I have used this method several times. For me. Not because it was asked of or demanded of me. I would be careful of other reasons to do this.

Agreed and understood Rebreather


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2010
stillhere09
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You say she spends time on the phone and internet. How much time? If she wants you to refrain from bringing up the A for a certain amount of time, the least she can do is refrain from using the internet for the same amount of time, and a very limited and open phone use.

If she will honor your request and you honor her request, IMO, it may be a good move for your relationship. If she is not willing, however, well, you have some decisions to make.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Coma
♂ Member
Member # 29353
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personality

At first looks and social behavior FWW appears as a doe eyed beauty. A quiet demeanor and soft spoken voice seems to add to her enchanting spirit. She wants everyone to see her as a nice or good girl. (This should be your warning sign right off the bat.)

My personality seems to run the other way. I tend to sit and observe before getting involved with people. I am an emotional guy that is no longer afraid to show emotion. I think this is an effect of the A. I kept my tender side to myself most of the time before.

Moving on....

This morning getting prepared for work FWW had a look on her face and then blew her lid. She was upset about what i said about her A being a thrill ride instead of using neglect as a source. I told het that i was sorry for hurting her feelings but that is the way i see it now. After explodoing on me for minutes she calmed down and we went to work. I called in and asked for a mental health day. I was denied but took off anyway. I'm going to feel it later.

So let's list the Pos & Neg of today's opening salvo.

1. I'm feel poorly for puting so much anxiety on my FWW for omething that happened years ago. (Neg)

2.I will be missing that pay from my paycheck later on. (Neg)

3. I took off as to not have myself distracted to the point of being overwhelmed on the job. (Pos)

4. When i do feel a little stressed...i clean. I already washed dishes and folded laundry. I plan to vacuum soon and to defrost and cook dinner later on. I guess the cleaning serves to help me put things back in order.(Pos)

Next....A venting session

[This message edited by Coma at 8:22 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


BS-Me
WW-Her
"Love, look what you've done to me"

Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2010
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Time together without TV,Phone,or Internet. Just us in a warm embrace sharing positive points. Maybe at least 90 minutes after work and during the five business days.

Ok, this almost had me in tears. I would've given anything to have my husband say/suggest that. But nope...

I have a few more questions, I hope you don't mind. I'm just having difficulties understanding.

1. Since you can't bring up her A for a month what happens after that?

2. What happens if you trigger during this month, are you not supposed to talk to her about it?

3. Wouldn't that help bring the two of you closer together by working through it and not ignoring it?

I guess my confusion is that you seem to be bending over backwards for her and giving her what she needs/wants, but she cheated on you, shouldn't it be the other way around?

She says she needs this to find us again.

There is something about ^^this that is screaming to me and I can't put my finger on it.

This morning getting prepared for work FWW had a look on her face and then blew her lid. She was upset about what i said about her A being a thrill ride instead of using neglect as a source.

Well of course, because saying it was a thrill ride puts the ball in her court that she is the one to blame for her decision. If she continues to use neglect as a reason then she's justified in her actions and it's now your fault and not hers.

I told het that i was sorry for hurting her feelings but that is the way i see it now.

Did she apologize to you for flipping out on you and hurting you with her affair? Your feelings matter, too.

That's good that you took today off to clear your head. I'm sorry you're going to take the hit in your paycheck, that sucks.

You sound like me. This place was spotless in my early days of discovery.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:57 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
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