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Newest Member: NeverAgain0 (44719)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feeling insecure. How have you guys coped?
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Helpless  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking I need counseling again. I am getting really insecure in this relationship, and he has done nothing to warrant it.

He tells me he loves me 10 times a day. He puts me first. He has talked about how he would like to see a ring on my finger in the future (about a year or so from now). Taking it slow but heading in a pretty serious direction.....

So every time he does something unexpected it is triggering me and my mind goes to the negative. Yesterday he was working on a project at school that was supposed to take 1 to 2 hours. After 2 1/2 hours, I called and they were only half done. I was so uncomfortable until he got finished and was heading home. And the places that my mind went were stupid crazy. "He is flirting with the female member of his group. He is trying to get to know her and form a bond with her." And today, we were talking and a new female came and stood close to us, and he glanced at her a few times. Here is what went through my mind (this is so embarrassing and I know not healthy, no 2x4's please, I know I need some counseling for my PTSD again)....I was thinking...."she is cute, she is young, he is wishing he could talk to her and get to know her and date her"

I wasn't insecure with XSO. We had our issues but feeling insecure wasn't one of them. I don't understand this and it is an uncomfortable feeling for me. I feel like a nutcase. *sigh*

I don't know...maybe it is because I AM somewhat serious about this one and I do really love him. I couldn't picture a future with him when we were just friends, but he wants one with me and he is so good to me I am starting to want it also.

He is self-conscious about his early hair loss. He has male pattern baldness on the crown of his head. So he is trying a hair treatment to see if he can grow it back. It has bothered him for 15 years but he is just now doing something about it, so my mind is going "he wants to look young and attractive now so he can find someone else."

I KNOW this is not true. I KNOW this is remnants of the crap I went thru with WS. I did really love him too at one point, and I trusted him completely. I also KNOW I need to work thru this. The one good thing is new guy is incredibly patient with me and prefers me to talk about my feelings and insecurities...he talks them thru, he talks about his also, and we can share in very important ways to help reassure each other....he has had a few episodes of insecurity also and we have talked about those.

I just hate having these thoughts. I know better, but can't seem to stop them. And even though he is wonderful talking this stuff through, I don't want to overload him with it so I am not taking all this to him, I am coming to you guys... I know others here have had them. How did you deal with this kind of craziness?

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 11:32 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15193 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Spirit13
♀ Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA,

2 things really helped me with thoughts just like this.

I did some EMDR with a therapist.

I read the book "Feeling Good" by the author Burns. That book has a technique where you document your distorted thoughts and write down what kind of distortion it is and some other things. It seems overly simplistic, but gosh it really helped when I found myself in a negative loop of thinking. You should really read that book - very helpful.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Feeling Good" by the author Burns

Loved this. This book gave me the strength to recognize that my XH was gaslighting me and throw his ass out. It's a GREAT book.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Spirit and Ama, and thanks for the book references...I've just put a hold on it at the library.

I do think I am going to request EMDR this time for my PTSD. I did the CBT before and it did help, but there are vestiges left that I don't like. We'll see how the EMDR works.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15193 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the only times I have felt insecure was because my gut was screaming at me or because the guy was intentionally making me feel that way (telling me I should dress or act more like so and so, ect.). On the flip side, XH was very controlling and jealous, if I was 5 minutes late leaving work or didn't respond to his text quick enough he would come check on me. So I know how damaging this can be to a relationship if it isn't warranted.

Not sure how long you have been dating but I would have expected a courtesy "it looks like this may take a bit longer" text. If I give someone a time frame for when I will be somewhere and it looks like I won't make it I will give them the respect and courtesy of letting them know so they won't be waiting on me.

I wouldn't discount your insecurity, figure out if it is warranted first and don't just pass it off as you being crazy. Many of us here know all to well how easy it is to overlook red flags because we didn't want to see them.

It sound like you and your SO have good communication. I would bring this issue up, tell him that you have been feeling insecure lately and that it made you nervous when he was late and see if he can offer any suggestions on how he can help you. I wouldn't suggest any yourself because it may come off as controlling.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jennie, thanks. You hit on something in the back of my head...that my gut has always been right regarding red flags. That is what is so difficult about this. Usually I see the red flags but ignore them. I knew going in with my XSO that there were red flags but I wanted that experience anyway....I don't see any here. I'm not ignoring them because I can't think of anything he is doing that would warrant my gut reaction. That is why I think I may be projecting or having an irrational thought process. I think what is hurting me here is what I have heard from other people more regarding our age difference (I am 20 years older). Although he is fine with it and our family and most friends are cool with this, it IS non traditional and I had one friend that told me that sooner or later he is going to want kids and a younger mate. He has thought long and hard about the kids thing and is fine with it. And he talks all the time about the future and how we will deal with the age difference. So again, I don't think it is him unless I am missing something.

He is usually very good about calling me when he is going to be late. He told me when I called him that he was just getting ready to take a break and call, so I do believe that.....

And the friend that talked about him wanting someone younger in 10 years or so....she also has some negative views on men overall so I am trying not to pay too much attention to her opinion.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15193 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 6

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