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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dilemma! Telling Owbh: small children in marriage!
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It's complicated" is the current buzzword for "I don't want to speak the truth."
No...it's not complicated. Your husband had sex with someone else who is married. The affair partner is trying to guilt you into keeping her secret.

Her husband deserves to hear the truth. I wish someone had told me.

I'm not seeing the complication in this other than you trying to wiggle out of doing the right thing.

Ditto!


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And i'd have to do it on a weekend so I didn't screw up his whole week. What if he had a life changing work meeting the following day? Or something.

Mr Lucky confessed on a Saturday... it not only screwed up my following week, it screwed me up for years.


.

It's all complicated.

.
"It's complicated" is the current buzzword for "I don't want to speak the truth."
No...it's not complicated. Your husband had sex with someone else who is married. The affair partner is trying to guilt you into keeping her secret.
Her husband deserves to hear the truth. I wish someone had told me.
I'm not seeing the complication in this other than you trying to wiggle out of doing the right thing.

^^^^^^

DITTO!!!


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read more: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/affairs.htm#ixzz2SgIjVQSO

Well, I guess her degree gives her an argument from authority, because without that it's all so full of shit even Hercules would say fuck it and knock off for a beer.

You know what helps a sexless marriage? Sex without lying about it. If they can't work it the fuck out then either live with it or D. Anything about kids or finances or the rest is just a weasel way of saying it's too hard I don't wanna.

Experts also say we can build a balloon house on the moon. I'm not going to tell you which experts because I have a GED in Wikipedia and that means I can use the word experts in my article to lend authority to any second hand tripe I swiped off of Michelle "I'm a remorseless cheater who wrote a book to feel better about it" Langley's page for my psychotherapy page on Why Cheating Is Kinda OK So Long As It's Someone Else Who Has To Be In The Dark About It.

Sorry. That wasn't directed at you, Agony. When I see stupid scientists making science stupid for personal profit I get irked.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 9:05 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. When I say telling ow's bs is complicated,, all I mean is that I was completely non functioning for nearly a month. I can't imagine how I might have had to function if I had a high powered job with lots of colleagues. I just don't want to ADD to the other BSs agony by not only hitting him with an emotional tsunami, but doing it at a time when he would be further ruined in some way. Almost like I'd like to tell him before he goes to church on Sunday so he can possibly get some immediate support, not the day before ,he's to make a presentation to an army colonel or something! The goal is not to destroy the other BS...I do not care about her EXCEPT when I think about how pathetic she reallllllly is.

Does anyone understand this. I realize there is really no way for me to pick a good time since I can have no idea what's actually going on in his life, but I guess I just wish I could pick a 'good time" since he's the innocent to be wounded one....


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
cosmicjoke
♀ Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe me, the best time is always NOW.. or rather, YESTERDAY. Chances are he will be devastated but so grateful SOMEONE told him the truth..! If you keep waiting he will only be MORE hurt that you kept him in the dark even longer, just prolonging his agony.

Also you may have the opportunity to learn more of the truth about your H for yourself, thereby (hopefully) speeding up your own R. As painful as it may be to hear.
And come to think of it- do you think that may be what is making you hesitate..?


Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, being the bearer of bad news is rough. It is definitely a complicated situation regarding feelings on the subject.

There's never a good time for any of this stuff unfortunately. You don't know how he will associate these things - he may decide church is a huge trigger, or his car, or clouds that look like giraffes. The best you can do by telling him is to be as up front as you can and then let him be to handle it as best he can. You were a wreck because this all sucks and is a big pile of hurt. It's the same for all of us.

Good luck however you handle this stuff.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP- I think you are over-thinking this. This is not your cross to bear. I sent the OMW a FB message to call me about her husband. She did and I told her. She was so thankful. Read that again...Thankful. She had been suspicious but didn't know how to catch him. Don't assume anything about this person and especially don't listen to your WS and the OW, they are proven liers that will say and do anything to protect their own interest. You know what is right. You know what you would want the other person to do if the tables were turned. Quit stalling and just do it.

Anything that comes from it is not on you. I would also suggets you expose to OW family if you can. I called OM's parents and told them.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 160 | Registered: Apr 2013
sodeeplysaddened
♀ Member
Member # 26709
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't tell the bh for the same reason. Personally, I am happy with my choice.


WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R


Posts: 248 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: In R.
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I feel I should hold the "tell the betrayed husband card" in my hands. My Sig Other and I own a house together, and while we are sort of reconciling, i am not especially hopeful YET that it's actually possible without my being a complete idiot, seriously. And then, there are financial considerations too complicated to go into here, but I might need a CARD to play in order to get a fair shake. So I'm thinking I will tell BH at some time, but not until i'm sure I don't need the playing card. That's sort of terrible I know, but it's still early and I need to play my cards right or at least have options. THANKS EVERYONE!!!!


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agony....this idea of holding the "telling the OWBH" card as some type of leverage over your WS is just another excuse you are using to not treat another human being with dignity and respect by giving them the truth.

Let's look at it this way. How would YOU feel if a person withheld vital information about your life because they were holding on to the info as a leverage point? How would YOU feel if someone was doing this to one of your kids?

Again...I wish someone would have told me what FWS was doing. Living in ignorance is like living in a dark cell. But a lot more humiliating.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I except full responsibility for that and will take whatever comes my way as long as it is me and not my family. I b

Do you see how the first part is in contradiction with the second part ? She is trying to manipulate, doing damage control.

As someone who wa lied to by a W that had something to hide, I can tell you, he knows something is up already. He just can't put a finger on it.

If it was like me I was told so often that my suspicions were my problem that I had to enter IC. Yeah, I am still kind of pissed about that one.

My point is that you should tell him, tell him immediately. No one other than your H and his W can be blamed for anything that happens to those small children's happy home.

She claims her penance is to live with this, but it takes a special kind of broken to lie about something to your spouse for 5 years. Chances are she is doing just fine with her current methods of damage control. Neither she nor her family are doing fine when one of the parents is keep such a dark secret. Also she is extremely selfish and is not being the mother those kids need her to be. Running around at night with another man, does not a good mother make. She can't get help and fix that problem unless it is in the open. I don't know for sure, but I would put money it is not the happy home you envision it to be.

Let me point out one thing. She has done this in the past and is likely to do this again to some other wife. Most WS will tell you that the other person was irrelevant. It could have been anybody. So by telling OWBH you could be preventing another BS from joining our ranks in the future.

My advice, tell him, tell him today. Don't share with your WH, just tell OWBH today. You are doing him a favor (it may not seem like it right now, but he will look back with gratitude one day).

Most of us on this site though infidelity would be end of our Ms. Most of us haven't D yet. You have no way of knowing that OWBH will leave. He may very well decide to stay, OW may decide to do the work and their M heals. The kids end up having the home with the parents they always needed.

Take a little time, but do it soon. The sooner this is over, the sooner you will be able to move on knowing you did the right thing. Sometimes things have to fall apart before they can be back together (the right way) again.

The consequences or fall out from you telling OWBH are not yours. They are solely on your H and OW. Remember that.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't tell. I focused on me and my family. I had a list of reasons for not telling that I won't go into again. Do what is right for you and your family.

I understand the line of thinking you aren't causing the destruction by telling and it is true BUT you are still making a life changing move by choosing to tell. Just be prepared for the possible fallout which could range from nothing to WHO KNOWS?


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And conversely to HitByaTruck's scenario, what happens if he finds out himself, finds out you knew and then comes after your husband in a serious way in a fit of blinding rage?

All actions have consequences, including intentional failures to disclose.

This is a horrible situation in ANY way, shape or form for you to be in, and it SUCKS CRAP that you did nothing to deserve this.

But it is the hand that many of us has been dealt.

My best advice - the one thing you have is your dignity. Do not sell that for "what might happen." Do the right thing. Many on here, including myself, can help with a stoic, rational disclosure communication strategy.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chances are,you,WH,and OW are not the only ones who know of this affair. OW most likely talked..told a few friends..a sister..who knows? What happens if she pisses one of those people off,and they tell her husband about the affair? Or what if one of them decided he has a right to know? Not to mention,you are relying on the OW being able to hide this from her BH forever..and chances are,at some point,she will slip up. A journal,or an email,or a random text to a friend mentioning the affair,and she's busted.

If you tell the BH,then to an extent,you are also doing damage control. If there is any fall-out, it will happen shortly after you tell her BH. You can handle it NOW. As opposed to always waiting for the shoe to drop..always wondering when there will be a knock on the door..or the phone to ring.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7419 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My best advice - the one thing you have is your dignity. Do not sell that for "what might happen." Do the right thing.

I didn't sell my dignity. Every situation is different. Don't try and make a BS feel that this is a black and white issue.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still struggling. All of you said important things. I want to tell him so he can be free from the lies he very, very
likely has no suspicion about. But his pain, well it's likely to be much worse
than mine, and mine can take my breath away. It's also a matter of how. Don't
want to call him at the office. Don't want to call him at home. The first is
cruel, the second is likely to be intercepted. Feel I should meet him face to
face so I can deliver the info as kindly as possible. But in order to figure
out how to come face to face with him, well that's difficult. I know he works
from home on Fridays. But maybe she's there too. I really don't want to have to park my car on his corner with binoculars! What do I do, just knock on the door hoping he answers? What if she comes screaming down the stairs? I mean, i need to get him alone and in a safe place but i don't know how to do that. I mean, i'm sure they have family dinners most evenings. I could knock on the door then? I'd be shaking so hard I might just fall over. He's a very senior executive-type with a security clearance so he's likely a pretty stable guy (yeah until this).

AND aside from that, I'm still not over my major Revenge thoughts and so i'm afraid of acting in vengeance. Telling him is not about that, but at the same times it is about that because that seems to be the thing that OW is most afraid of. So i remain torn. The whole thing is just killing me.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 56
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