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User Topic: Dilemma! Telling Owbh: small children in marriage!
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Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage's all about her. She didn't care about hurting your family. I love how she says her husband is a good man. Another good reason to tell him. He doesn't deserve a ho for a wife. They either have an abusive spouse who can't find out or they don't wont you to hurt her family. It's not your problem it's hers.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2012
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Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, tell her husband. As everyone said here he deserves to know what he is dealing with. Too bad for her. She needs to take her own consequences and not manipulate you.

Small children. So what. She should have thought about that as well as her husband before she betrayed them.

Think hard about your man too. He does need to be very repentant and help you heal. He sounds like he makes terrible personal choices and then leans on you to make up for them. He does not sound like a keeper to me. Only you can decide. Take care of you.

Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Member # 38634
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think about it...
What if you were him, living in that lie, thinking your the only one.
Would you want to know?

You don't have to do it yet, wait until your ready, but i feel that it is the right thing to do.

In my case(2 months out) 1 of the OM has children with his bs, he is the last i am exposing to his wife(plan to this week) but I will do it. I have exposed 2 OM to their BS already.

Almost Reconciling

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: LonelyBH
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Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They either have an abusive spouse who can't find out or they don't wont you to hurt her family.

Here is a thread about an OM who tried to prevent the BH from telling OMBW because she was pregnant & prone to miscarriage:

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agony, no one wants to see small children hurt by the selfish, nasty behavior of their parents.

We know you don't want to see that, either.

HOWEVER, that doesn't negate the fact that BH has a right to know what his REALITY is, just as you had a right to know. Of course, what he chooses to do with that information is his own doing, but the only fair thing to do is at least make him AWARE of what happened.

And don't tell your husband before you do it, either. Just do it.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please think about this.

"In fact, I've read elsewhere that if one has an affair, and ends it, that one should NOT tell their spouse as it would only cause unnecessary suffering."
REALLY???? I hate to sound harsh but I completely and totally disagree.

If he knew and you didn't would you want to know? I know I sure would. Initially my H said that if I hadn't found out he would have taken his secret to the grave. (still foggy). About a year out I asked him if he still felt that way. He said Heck NO. You were already questioning your sanity with my behavior. You would have either D'd me or completely lost your mind.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was married for 16 years. I suspected that my wife had an affair after the first two years of our marriage but never had the proof. Fast forward many years later and I found out in Feb 2012 that my ws had a LTA for the previous 4 years. My daughter was 6 at the time. I wish that someone would have told me what was going on so I didnt have to live in a make believe relationship for so long. Only you can decide what the "right" thing to do is, but the owbs deserves the truth.

ME-BH (52)
HER-WW (52)
Married 16 years,
together 20years
One beautiful daughter.
DDay #1 - 06 Apr 2011 EA
DDay #2 - 01 Feb 2012 PA

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2012
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Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"In fact, I've read elsewhere that if one has an affair, and ends it, that one should NOT tell their spouse as it would only cause unnecessary suffering."

I read this too, in a book that was supposed to help with infidelity. I immediately threw that book in the was probably written by a cheater, definitely not be a betrayed person. Don't believe everything you read. Why would truth be unneccessary suffering? What was unnecessary was the harm caused by the betrayal. And how would getting away with the consequences be a learning experience for the WS? That doesn't work. Everyone deserves truth in their life. Simple human kindness means that you tell someone when they are being betrayed.

DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If ignorance really was bliss then lobotomies would be a lot more popular.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs thrive in secrecy. Find a way to tell him without your husband or the other woman knowing in advance. The ow will spin you as some psycho!

He deserves to know.

It is up to them on what to do with there small children.

Most of the time the WH's whore will say that she is afraid her husband will become violent. They are liars.

and liars, lie.

BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
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Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My take will be a bit different than others. I feel that there are some circumstances in which it is best not to tell - not many but their are some.

I don't know enough about your situation to say whether you should or not. The fact that this other family has small children is a small consideration but not a major one.

Some will say you have an obligation to tell - really you don't. You also can take some time to think about it to decide what you want to do. With some A's it is needed to expose the A to help put an end to it. In those cases, yes, telling quickly is important. Based on the letter from the OW, my guess is that it surely has ended cause she is so scared you may tell so you have some time to decide if you want to tell or not. You likely have many things you are dealing with so this doesn't have to be at the top of the list but it is a decision you will have to make at some point in time.

In my case I did not to tell. The A had already ended a couple years ago, they have small children, I don't have strong evidence that the other BS was married to OM while it happened - I suspect she was but since I am not 100% positive. I am sure there are those that will strongly disagree but as a BS you can handle your own situation as best as you see fit.

BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
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Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think of it this way:

WS knew, OW knew, and OWBS knew, and you didn't. And you twisted yourself 'round and 'round trying to figure out what is off kilter. Wouldn't YOU want to know too? Have the answer to the riddle? I don't know of anyone who wouldn't want to know. OWBS deserves it too.

It sounds like she's been down this road before. Sounds like she already knows the consequences of her repeated actions. She is just a big 'le fat cake-eater!!

Her note is pure manipulation! Boo Woo, poor me, if your wife tells my family will suffer. Really?? Hmmm, me thinks her family will suffer due to her actions, not due to yours. NOW she worries about her BS and kids?? Pleassssse! She should have asked for some whine with her cheese!

Don't play into her hand sweetie.

Take your time. Not ready yet? That's OK. You will get there. In the meantime she sounds scared shitless. She will be looking over her shoulder for quite a while, as she should.

DON'T tell your WH when you do this!! Just do it.

Hard to do? You bet. But just keep thinking how you would feel, to be living a lie of a M, to have potential health risks you don't even know about.

OWBS will do whatever he will do. But he can't do it without knowledge.

Good luck. Sending strength.

Her consequences be damned!!!

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
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Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs are secrets, she is asking you to be a secret keeper & that isn't right no matter how you look at it.

What if an STD occurs, don't you think he'd wonder where he got it? Isn't his health more of a concern than the 'damage' to the children?

She should have considered this before, however, what parent in their right mind is going to involve little kids? Not many.

I question the sincerity of her letter - it's very manipulative and it could just mean that you shut the hell up and the affair continues on without her H having a clue there is a third person in his marriage... or maybe he does have a clue, maybe he's wondering what the hell is wrong? 2+2 isn't adding up to 4 in his world.

Wildly guessing here, but - maybe one in a hundred affair books say to keep it quiet whereas others will say EXPOSE it. Affairs thrive in secrecy. The more people who can keep an eye on things the better.

OW's BS used to call regularly to make sure NC was in fact intact.

Take your proof and tell him as gently as you can when you are ready, don't do it when you are feeling venegful, remember he's going to be reeling too.

DO NOT tell your H when you plan to do it. If you do? Guarantee he'll call OW for a heads up, stories will be aligned, you'll be the bat-shit-crazy-insane wife and the BS will never believe a thing you say after that.

Good luck. It's tough. But it's the right thing.

[This message edited by Lucky at 3:39 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him. I waited probably 6 weeks to tell the other BS in my story - I was in agony over the decision because WH and MOW told me how sick he was, how the shock would kill him, etc. At the end of the day, I figured if he was that sick, he deserved to know what kind of person he had in his life taking care of him. Turned out to be all lies, and he was grateful for the knowledge.

They have a young daughter, who was involved in the A between the two of them. They took their children on play dates together, movies, parks, dinners, etc. Disgusting. Her BS had a right to know and he also had a right to get tested...his wife and my husband didn't use protection. I didn't appreciate my WH playing around with my health and if her BS was as sick as they made me believe, then she shouldn't have been playing with his.

TELL HIM ASAP! Not telling him also puts a huge burden on you. It isn't your secret to keep and it isn't your burden to bear - get that part of this A off your chest.

D-Day#1 - Dec. 8, 2011 - found the receipt
D-Day#2 - Dec. 28, 2011 - found the phone logs
D-Day#3 - Jan. 6, 2012 - admitted to PA
3 amazing sons - 13DS, 13SS, 11SS
in R

Posts: 762 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And many experts believe that in such a situation, it's better not to confess to the long term partner, if you donít have to. This does mean living a lie, but on the other hand, it may save that partner a huge amount of pain and make it easier to maintain the marriage or live-in relationship.

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Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
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Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, so she has small children...? Then why did she disrespect her OWN family and put her own children at risk by doing what she did.?? She should have thought about the consequences beforehand... DUH. As for not wanting to cause her BH pain-- too late..! She's already caused the pain.. even if he doesn't know it yet. Chances are she's being squirrelly and he's in pain already anyway- he just doesn't know why. You think keeping her dirty secrets with her and prolonging his agony is going to HELP him or their kids...? I thought it was common knowledge here that not knowing- and finding out others knew the truth about your life but didn't tell you- only makes it all 1000x worse. Don't we understand this better than anyone..?? Do you not think he has the basic human right to know his health is being put at risk..? She sowed the seeds, now do the right thing (SOMEONE has to...!) & let the cards fall where they may. That is HER freakin' problem that SHE created. (along with your H- who also owes him an apology btw). It's nice that she offered you an apology- it's more then most people get- but she's still trying to put all the blame on you which is a cop-out. I LOVE how these sick people think everything is fine and dandy and they can do whatever they please and it's all fun & games-- 'AS LONG AS no one finds out'. Which is part of the game of course. But when they realize someone's going to out them-- OH GOD! They panic. All of a sudden they want to do whatever it takes- ANYTHING-!! to keep it a secret. Well it's TOO LATE-- you already caused the damage.. you already stabbed your loved one and it's already damaging your relationship. Now be an adult, stop lying to your spouse, own up to it and DEAL WITH IT.
She's probably being overly dramatic anyway saying it will 'destroy' her family. First of all, it may not. Second, even if it does-- that was HER choice. Don't play into her game by accepting any of the blame. And she sure didn't give a rat's ass about destroying YOUR family, did she...??
It's pretty well established that lies cause far more damage- and more profound lasting damage- than the truth. At least with the truth, you can face the problem and DEAL with it. If nothing else you are doing her family a favor. Her H will not have any more of his time wasted being deceived by a liar. They can face the crisis head on without further delay and either solve it or decide to divorce. And her kids may be far better off without a lying cheating scumbag of a mother anyway.

But really, she sounds manipulative like she's trying to say all the right things you want to hear. I know her type. The second you tell her husband- she will probably turn into a total shrew and try to get 'revenge'- because you didn't take her bait & do her bidding. I don't believe she's truly sorry and won't contact your H again, I think she's just trying to sound sincere to get you to do what she wants.

Posts: 214 | Registered: May 2013
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Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually DO think she should face the consequence of her affair. I want her to meet me, and see that I'm a human being, just like her, and i want to tell her probaby 10 things of agony that she helped to create. But that's not entirely the reason i feel a need, albeit conflicted, about telling husband. There ARE some people who would prefer not to know. And I don't know him at all so cannot judge. I'm leaning toward telling him but it's not entirely altruistic; i also want her to face consequences AND i'd want to know. I don't even know where i'd find him! And i'd have to do it on a weekend so I didn't screw up his whole week. What if he had a life changing work meeting the following day? Or something. It's all complicated.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
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Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Did she wait for a weekend to screw your H? You are being far to kind. This isn't a minor inconvience. I don't know your back story, but didn't you suspect something was going on before you found out? Weren't you questioning your own sanity? Would you have not wanted to know even a day sooner if possible?

Confirmation of my H's A was a relief, OK I'm not losing my mind. OK all his anger and meaness, and times when he didn't make sense of things was because he was guilty, and too busy covering his tracks. It gave me strength just knowing I was not crazy or wrong.

Like I said in my orginal response, she is using "not telling" as a reward for her not contacting your H. She is emotionally blackmailing you.

I am willing to bet my hat, lunch, and paycheck this is not her first go around with this.

OW in my case was a habitual Affair haver, and home wrecker. She too manipulated me and H into not telling, but with a threat of a defamation lawsuit, and she is a very powerful attorney, and has family and friends that are judges.
Although we did finally let him know. He knew she had and did cheat, and was involved with several married men, he just couldn't find the strength to get out. That's on him though. He did however make absolutely certain that they did not have kids.

My othe piece of advice in this is as many others have said, don't tip your hand to your H or OW that you are going to tell, just do it.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At some point during the middle of my wife's 10-11 month affair, I daydreamed (seemingly out of nowhere) about hiring a PI to follow her around. Without any sense of why that would pop into my head. I don't recall ever thinking or even suspecting that she was cheating.

But at some subconscious level, I must have known.

You can bet that the BH also knows, at some level, that his wife is cheating or that something just isn't right in his marriage. As the saying goes, he truly is the last to know. What are the odds this will remain a secret forever? These things have a way of coming out.

This man deserves a chance to deal with his pain and the nightmare that has infected his marriage SOONER rather than later. What good will it do to let him to continue living a lie, or to suffer at some below conscious level, or to start his pain and healing process a month, a year, or 10 years from now, instead of today?

Any BS's on this site wish they had found out later than they did about their spouse's affair? Or wish that it had just ended without finding out the truth about the person they've pledged the rest of their lives to? Not me.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It's complicated" is the current buzzword for "I don't want to speak the truth."'s not complicated. Your husband had sex with someone else who is married. The affair partner is trying to guilt you into keeping her secret.

Her husband deserves to hear the truth. I wish someone had told me.

I'm not seeing the complication in this other than you trying to wiggle out of doing the right thing.


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
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