Small children. So what. She should have thought about that as well as her husband before she betrayed them.
Think hard about your man too. He does need to be very repentant and help you heal. He sounds like he makes terrible personal choices and then leans on you to make up for them. He does not sound like a keeper to me. Only you can decide. Take care of you.
You don't have to do it yet, wait until your ready, but i feel that it is the right thing to do.
In my case(2 months out) 1 of the OM has children with his bs, he is the last i am exposing to his wife(plan to this week) but I will do it. I have exposed 2 OM to their BS already.
They either have an abusive spouse who can't find out or they don't wont you to hurt her family.
Here is a thread about an OM who tried to prevent the BH from telling OMBW because she was pregnant & prone to miscarriage:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=485051
We know you don't want to see that, either.
HOWEVER, that doesn't negate the fact that BH has a right to know what his REALITY is, just as you had a right to know. Of course, what he chooses to do with that information is his own doing, but the only fair thing to do is at least make him AWARE of what happened.
And don't tell your husband before you do it, either. Just do it.
"In fact, I've read elsewhere that if one has an affair, and ends it, that one should NOT tell their spouse as it would only cause unnecessary suffering." REALLY???? I hate to sound harsh but I completely and totally disagree.
If he knew and you didn't would you want to know? I know I sure would. Initially my H said that if I hadn't found out he would have taken his secret to the grave. (still foggy). About a year out I asked him if he still felt that way. He said Heck NO. You were already questioning your sanity with my behavior. You would have either D'd me or completely lost your mind.
I read this too, in a book that was supposed to help with infidelity. I immediately threw that book in the trash...it was probably written by a cheater, definitely not be a betrayed person. Don't believe everything you read. Why would truth be unneccessary suffering? What was unnecessary was the harm caused by the betrayal. And how would getting away with the consequences be a learning experience for the WS? That doesn't work. Everyone deserves truth in their life. Simple human kindness means that you tell someone when they are being betrayed.
He deserves to know.
It is up to them on what to do with there small children.
Most of the time the WH's whore will say that she is afraid her husband will become violent. They are liars.
and liars, lie.
I don't know enough about your situation to say whether you should or not. The fact that this other family has small children is a small consideration but not a major one.
Some will say you have an obligation to tell - really you don't. You also can take some time to think about it to decide what you want to do. With some A's it is needed to expose the A to help put an end to it. In those cases, yes, telling quickly is important. Based on the letter from the OW, my guess is that it surely has ended cause she is so scared you may tell so you have some time to decide if you want to tell or not. You likely have many things you are dealing with so this doesn't have to be at the top of the list but it is a decision you will have to make at some point in time.
In my case I did not to tell. The A had already ended a couple years ago, they have small children, I don't have strong evidence that the other BS was married to OM while it happened - I suspect she was but since I am not 100% positive. I am sure there are those that will strongly disagree but as a BS you can handle your own situation as best as you see fit.
WS knew, OW knew, and OWBS knew, and you didn't. And you twisted yourself 'round and 'round trying to figure out what is off kilter. Wouldn't YOU want to know too? Have the answer to the riddle? I don't know of anyone who wouldn't want to know. OWBS deserves it too.
It sounds like she's been down this road before. Sounds like she already knows the consequences of her repeated actions. She is just a big 'le fat cake-eater!!
Her note is pure manipulation! Boo Woo, poor me, if your wife tells my family will suffer. Really?? Hmmm, me thinks her family will suffer due to her actions, not due to yours. NOW she worries about her BS and kids?? Pleassssse! She should have asked for some whine with her cheese!
Don't play into her hand sweetie.
Take your time. Not ready yet? That's OK. You will get there. In the meantime she sounds scared shitless. She will be looking over her shoulder for quite a while, as she should.
DON'T tell your WH when you do this!! Just do it.
Hard to do? You bet. But just keep thinking how you would feel, to be living a lie of a M, to have potential health risks you don't even know about.
OWBS will do whatever he will do. But he can't do it without knowledge.
Good luck. Sending strength.
Her consequences be damned!!!
What if an STD occurs, don't you think he'd wonder where he got it? Isn't his health more of a concern than the 'damage' to the children?
She should have considered this before, however, what parent in their right mind is going to involve little kids? Not many.
I question the sincerity of her letter - it's very manipulative and it could just mean that you shut the hell up and the affair continues on without her H having a clue there is a third person in his marriage... or maybe he does have a clue, maybe he's wondering what the hell is wrong? 2+2 isn't adding up to 4 in his world.
Wildly guessing here, but - maybe one in a hundred affair books say to keep it quiet whereas others will say EXPOSE it. Affairs thrive in secrecy. The more people who can keep an eye on things the better.
OW's BS used to call regularly to make sure NC was in fact intact.
Take your proof and tell him as gently as you can when you are ready, don't do it when you are feeling venegful, remember he's going to be reeling too.
DO NOT tell your H when you plan to do it. If you do? Guarantee he'll call OW for a heads up, stories will be aligned, you'll be the bat-shit-crazy-insane wife and the BS will never believe a thing you say after that.
Good luck. It's tough. But it's the right thing.
[This message edited by Lucky at 3:39 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
They have a young daughter, who was involved in the A between the two of them. They took their children on play dates together, movies, parks, dinners, etc. Disgusting. Her BS had a right to know and he also had a right to get tested...his wife and my husband didn't use protection. I didn't appreciate my WH playing around with my health and if her BS was as sick as they made me believe, then she shouldn't have been playing with his.
TELL HIM ASAP! Not telling him also puts a huge burden on you. It isn't your secret to keep and it isn't your burden to bear - get that part of this A off your chest.
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But really, she sounds manipulative like she's trying to say all the right things you want to hear. I know her type. The second you tell her husband- she will probably turn into a total shrew and try to get 'revenge'- because you didn't take her bait & do her bidding. I don't believe she's truly sorry and won't contact your H again, I think she's just trying to sound sincere to get you to do what she wants.
Did she wait for a weekend to screw your H? You are being far to kind. This isn't a minor inconvience. I don't know your back story, but didn't you suspect something was going on before you found out? Weren't you questioning your own sanity? Would you have not wanted to know even a day sooner if possible?
Confirmation of my H's A was a relief, OK I'm not losing my mind. OK all his anger and meaness, and times when he didn't make sense of things was because he was guilty, and too busy covering his tracks. It gave me strength just knowing I was not crazy or wrong.
Like I said in my orginal response, she is using "not telling" as a reward for her not contacting your H. She is emotionally blackmailing you.
I am willing to bet my hat, lunch, and paycheck this is not her first go around with this.
OW in my case was a habitual Affair haver, and home wrecker. She too manipulated me and H into not telling, but with a threat of a defamation lawsuit, and she is a very powerful attorney, and has family and friends that are judges. Although we did finally let him know. He knew she had and did cheat, and was involved with several married men, he just couldn't find the strength to get out. That's on him though. He did however make absolutely certain that they did not have kids.
My othe piece of advice in this is as many others have said, don't tip your hand to your H or OW that you are going to tell, just do it.
((((and strength))))
But at some subconscious level, I must have known.
You can bet that the BH also knows, at some level, that his wife is cheating or that something just isn't right in his marriage. As the saying goes, he truly is the last to know. What are the odds this will remain a secret forever? These things have a way of coming out.
This man deserves a chance to deal with his pain and the nightmare that has infected his marriage SOONER rather than later. What good will it do to let him to continue living a lie, or to suffer at some below conscious level, or to start his pain and healing process a month, a year, or 10 years from now, instead of today?
Any BS's on this site wish they had found out later than they did about their spouse's affair? Or wish that it had just ended without finding out the truth about the person they've pledged the rest of their lives to? Not me.
Reconciled
No...it's not complicated. Your husband had sex with someone else who is married. The affair partner is trying to guilt you into keeping her secret.
Her husband deserves to hear the truth. I wish someone had told me.
I'm not seeing the complication in this other than you trying to wiggle out of doing the right thing.
k9
