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User Topic: Dilemma! Telling Owbh: small children in marriage!
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Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a "search"function somewhere on this wonderful site? Because I'm sure this subject has been discussed, uh, quite a lot!!

To tell or not to tell. Yes, i wish someone would have told me! BUT there are young children involved. They are innocents. If I say nothing, they are not hurt, or at least, i'm not responsible. If i say something, i can cause deep pain in innocent children.

Here is letter OW wrote to WS after he told he i found out when affair started:

I'm sorry for all of this. I am a horrible person for doing this and I will suffer for the rest of my life for it. I understand, don't like it, what you want to do. I will never contact you again.

If this will keep her from not telling and ruining my family then I will do it. I am sorry that I ruinned your life with her and I except full responsibility for that and will take whatever comes my way as long as it is me and not my family. I beg you and her that she does not tell my husband. He is a good man and my kids are my life if I ruin them I will not be able to live with myself.

Please tell her that I'm sorry.

Wish you two the best.

Reactions? I'm in a total dilemma. (Also am i allowed to post this also in a wayward spouse forum for their reaction)?

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 8:58 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
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Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There isn't a search function. Mainly to help keep our members as anonymous as possible. Also due to the heavy traffic having a search feature would really put a toll on our servers with hundreds of thousands of lurkers using it.

As a BS you can not start a thread in the Wayward Forum. You can ask a question on the ICR thread called BS questions for WS's. Below is the link.

[This message edited by jo2love at 4:13 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]

Posts: 36046 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of waywards have young children. Lots of betrayed spouses have young children.

They also have elementary aged, middle schoolers, high schoolers, college aged kids as well. IT DOES NOT MATTER how old the children are, the betrayed spouse deserves to know what their spouse has done.


I don't know of many SI folk who will tell you NOT to tell. The right thing to do is to let the BS know what his wife has done.

You should know, this is NOT your responsibility! You are not the one responsible for pain, hurt, damage caused by this affair - that lies solely on the two waywards.

Tell. The BS deserves to know.

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
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Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she truly cared about her family, she would never have gambled with their lives to appease her sexual needs. She is only trying to protect herself. And without consequences, she will probably do this again. There are many many BS's on here with young you think any of them would have wished they had been kept in the dark? The OBH deserves to know - to be checked for STD's and to decide if he wants to be the 3rd party in his marriage.

And let's be very clear here. SHE and YOUR H did this to her good husband and children. Not to mention - another set of eyes on this A will help ensure NC. If you decide to tell, do not let your H know until after. He will warn OW and she will make you sound crazy. Tell.

Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
♂ Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other BS needs to know so that he (not his WW) is able to determine his future. For all you know she is capable of doing this again with another WH and if her BH knows now then he can take steps to either prevent it or leave the M. There are also health issues involved. All four of you neede to be tested for stds. Informing is important for everyone.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 31830
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, whether you chose to tell or not, you are not responsible for any of the pain caused to OWs BH or children. She made choices, she was not concerned about your family or her family. While I believe she may be sorry, I find that note manipulative. She wants you to feel bad and it has obviously worked. I had no one to tell and it would tear at my heart to hurt someone, especially children, but he has a right to know. How they chose to handle it with their children is up to them.

Sorry I don't edit the typos
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.-Unknown
For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.-Bo Bennett
Memory is a complicated thing, a rel

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Sliding down the backside of the rainbow
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Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have small children. They have been damaged by this. I had to find everything out on my own.

I would far rather have my children damaged by the truth coming out in a controlled, loving fashion from my mouth than if I never knew what their father was up to & his cheating caused physical harm to any of us (it certainly could have since he's enamored of criminal types). I'd rather have this opportunity to divorce him than have the police show up at my door. I am glad I found out so I could get myself to a doctor and have myself tested for STD's. Can you imagine the devastation to my children if I had something, didn't know it, and ultimately died from it?

A BS is an adult. They can handle the truth.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with all the others.

You will not be hurting her children, she did.
The other BS has a right to know.

Do not tell your WH you are going to do it beforehand.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a good man and my kids are my life if I ruin them I will not be able to live with myself.

He is a good, innocent man who deserves to have honesty in his marriage.

They don't have to tell their kids, especially if they are very small. Even if they got divorced, I don't understand how this would "ruin" children . . .

As for "I will not be able to live with myself" that's bullshit. What's she going to do, kill herself? No. Our OW threatened that for months, yet I saw last week in the grocery store--not a scratch on her. Your OW will live with the consequences of her actions and parent her kids, and maybe she'll get some f*cking counseling.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have not only the right but the responsibilty to tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yes there are young children involved, but lets step back and think about this. If she is able to rugsweep this mess she will do it again. Dont you think their marriage had felt some angst and discomfort while she and your spouse was in the A? I think there are very few marriages that don't feel it, even if the spouse never finds out about it.

Would you rather have those kids grow up in a well adjusted happy environment, than one where mom is manipulating dad, and dad is a doormat?

A couple of red flags came up in her letter. The first is I would also bet this is not her first go round at this, and that is why she is so desperately begging you not to tell. He deserves to know this.
The second is she seems pretty manipulative. "I will never contact you again if you promise not to tell my H." She is bullying you to keep your mouth shut. You are tempted to not tell so you have the promise of her not reaching out to your H again.

Breaking NC at the begining of outing the A is very very very common. I would recommend you keep your eyes and ears open for a second cell phone, and a totally new email that they can communicate through.

This is a very painful thing to go through as we all know. Sending you much support, and strength.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree to tell. Her husband deserves honesty and to know what his marriage is, to know what it has been. I would never not want to know. You would be helping him learn the truth in his life that has been hidden from him by his wife and your husband. Don't let him spend many more years not knowing the truth of his life. He can decide what to do with this truth. He will find out someday, somehow, probably after she does it again. You can spare him the future pain of looking back and seeing all those untruthful years he spent with this having been in his life and him not knowing. For me and I think many it is the not having known that is the worst pain. Don't be manipulated into being part of the coverup. Do what is right.

DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was it wrong for the OW and your WH to keep this secret from you? I would imagine you would say "yes". Now you, your WH, and OW know about this. Does it suddenly become okay to not tell the other BS because you are added to the mix? No, imo, it is still wrong to keep this a secret that only the three of you know.

Unfortunately, in general, most WS's don't confess spontaneously. It would be terribly insensitive for your WH to tell the BH. MOW isn't going to tell on her self, that is obvious. It is then left to you. Sorry. It sucks.

I understand, don't like it, what you want to do. I will never contact you again.
If this will keep her from not telling David and ruining my family then I will do it.
I agree with tushnurse, too. This is highly manipulative and unremorseful. It is subtly threatening you also. It is all about her, me, me, me.

She is saying that she doesn't want to give your WH up, but will because your WH is asking her to. If she had her way it would continue, 'cause she "don't like it". As long as you keep your mouth shut, TheAgonyOfIt, she will abide by this ( I don't think she will, she still wants your WH) but if you tell, then she is saying all bets are off, and she'll be after your WH again. She is letting your WH know in her words that she still wants him and would be open to start the affair again.

Blow it up, TheAgonyOfIt. If you have evidence be prepared to share it with the BH. Oftentimes they can't believe their spouse would do this. They need proof. Be kind and gentle. Tell him in a way you would have liked to have been told.

P.S. I don't know if anyone has welcomed you to SI yet, TheAgonyOfIt, but I will say welcome to the best club you don't ever want to belong to. If you haven't already, please read the Healing Library. It is located in the upper left hand corner in the yellow box. When you get to the library, pay particular attention to the BS FAQ's, a lot of invaluable information in there. (((TAOI)))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:30 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
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Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes yes tell her husband she didn't care about your kids or hers for that matter you owe her nothing

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a nice letter. This ain't her first rodeo. Tell him. Don't tip anyone off that you are doing it. Don't explain to anyone. Don't apologize to anyone.

Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2011
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW just wants to sweep it all under the rug and not face the consequences of her sick actions. Too bad, her husband, a "good man", deserves to know just who he is married to so he can make an informed decision about what to do with the rest of his life. That's only fair. You are in no way way responsible for any collateral damage that results from the selfish acts of this woman and your WH.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my situation both families have small children. All that has meant is that i didnt go to her house and beat her ass in front of her kids. Or beat her ass anywhere else for that matter.
She hurt her kids, not you telling her BH.
Tell him and let it to be on them how they deal with it around their children.

him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
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Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW in my situation had a 4 month old baby. This didn't stop her from having sex with my husband. The age of her 4 (yes, 4 children) didn't matter whether husband found out about the affair. What mattered is that I deserved to know the truth about the man I was married to.

Tell the other betrayed spouse.

Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2012
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was the one who did not take her kids into consideration. You do her husband a disservice by not telling him, imo.

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1294 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
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Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her letter is pathetic. Just like cheating liars are pathetic. If she was so worried about hurting her husband and kids she wouldn't have had an affair. Tough for her. Her BS deserves to know the truth about their marriage. I agree with the others; tell her BS, but DO NOT give your WH a heads up. He will warn her; I know from my situation these cheaters have a sick bond to lie and protect each other while they hurt and betray their own families over and over.
You did not do this. They did. He deserves to know. They know what they are risking when they have their stupid little affairs. Tough.
You stay strong. You have no need to ever feel guilty; bad; or like you've done something wrong by telling him.
It's the right thing to do. By the sound of her letter she sounds like a selfish lying NPD. Let her deal with her choices. That's on her.

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow everyone, THANK YOU ALL SO much for your encouragement! I do so hate to cause pain; thanks for reminding me that it's not really me causing the pain although i'm pretty sure my therapist would advise for me to mind my own business. In fact, I've read elsewhere that if one has an affair, and ends it, that one should NOT tell their spouse as it would only cause unnecessary suffering. I'm still so raw, it's all too new so I'm not doing anything yet until i gain more emotional equilibrium. When exactly will that happen, anyway? LOL. I have plenty of evidence to show OWBS, and i am now reminded i need to upload it to some cloud just in case of anything!!!!!! I feel like vomiting.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
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