To tell or not to tell. Yes, i wish someone would have told me! BUT there are young children involved. They are innocents. If I say nothing, they are not hurt, or at least, i'm not responsible. If i say something, i can cause deep pain in innocent children.
Here is letter OW wrote to WS after he told he i found out when affair started:
I'm sorry for all of this. I am a horrible person for doing this and I will suffer for the rest of my life for it. I understand, don't like it, what you want to do. I will never contact you again.
If this will keep her from not telling and ruining my family then I will do it. I am sorry that I ruinned your life with her and I except full responsibility for that and will take whatever comes my way as long as it is me and not my family. I beg you and her that she does not tell my husband. He is a good man and my kids are my life if I ruin them I will not be able to live with myself.
Please tell her that I'm sorry.
Wish you two the best.
Reactions? I'm in a total dilemma. (Also am i allowed to post this also in a wayward spouse forum for their reaction)?
[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 8:58 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
As a BS you can not start a thread in the Wayward Forum. You can ask a question on the ICR thread called BS questions for WS's. Below is the link.
[This message edited by jo2love at 4:13 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]
Were together 7+yrs, Ended R.
They also have elementary aged, middle schoolers, high schoolers, college aged kids as well. IT DOES NOT MATTER how old the children are, the betrayed spouse deserves to know what their spouse has done.
I don't know of many SI folk who will tell you NOT to tell. The right thing to do is to let the BS know what his wife has done.
You should know, this is NOT your responsibility! You are not the one responsible for pain, hurt, damage caused by this affair - that lies solely on the two waywards.
Tell. The BS deserves to know.
And let's be very clear here. SHE and YOUR H did this to her good husband and children. Not to mention - another set of eyes on this A will help ensure NC. If you decide to tell, do not let your H know until after. He will warn OW and she will make you sound crazy. Tell.
I would far rather have my children damaged by the truth coming out in a controlled, loving fashion from my mouth than if I never knew what their father was up to & his cheating caused physical harm to any of us (it certainly could have since he's enamored of criminal types). I'd rather have this opportunity to divorce him than have the police show up at my door. I am glad I found out so I could get myself to a doctor and have myself tested for STD's. Can you imagine the devastation to my children if I had something, didn't know it, and ultimately died from it?
A BS is an adult. They can handle the truth.
You will not be hurting her children, she did.
The other BS has a right to know.
Do not tell your WH you are going to do it beforehand.
He is a good man and my kids are my life if I ruin them I will not be able to live with myself.
He is a good, innocent man who deserves to have honesty in his marriage.
They don't have to tell their kids, especially if they are very small. Even if they got divorced, I don't understand how this would "ruin" children . . .
As for "I will not be able to live with myself" that's bullshit. What's she going to do, kill herself? No. Our OW threatened that for months, yet I saw last week in the grocery store--not a scratch on her. Your OW will live with the consequences of her actions and parent her kids, and maybe she'll get some f*cking counseling.
Yes there are young children involved, but lets step back and think about this. If she is able to rugsweep this mess she will do it again. Dont you think their marriage had felt some angst and discomfort while she and your spouse was in the A? I think there are very few marriages that don't feel it, even if the spouse never finds out about it.
Would you rather have those kids grow up in a well adjusted happy environment, than one where mom is manipulating dad, and dad is a doormat?
A couple of red flags came up in her letter. The first is I would also bet this is not her first go round at this, and that is why she is so desperately begging you not to tell. He deserves to know this.
The second is she seems pretty manipulative. "I will never contact you again if you promise not to tell my H." She is bullying you to keep your mouth shut. You are tempted to not tell so you have the promise of her not reaching out to your H again.
Breaking NC at the begining of outing the A is very very very common. I would recommend you keep your eyes and ears open for a second cell phone, and a totally new email that they can communicate through.
This is a very painful thing to go through as we all know. Sending you much support, and strength.
Unfortunately, in general, most WS's don't confess spontaneously. It would be terribly insensitive for your WH to tell the BH. MOW isn't going to tell on her self, that is obvious. It is then left to you. Sorry. It sucks.
I understand, don't like it, what you want to do. I will never contact you again.
If this will keep her from not telling David and ruining my family then I will do it.
She is saying that she doesn't want to give your WH up, but will because your WH is asking her to. If she had her way it would continue, 'cause she "don't like it". As long as you keep your mouth shut, TheAgonyOfIt, she will abide by this ( I don't think she will, she still wants your WH) but if you tell, then she is saying all bets are off, and she'll be after your WH again. She is letting your WH know in her words that she still wants him and would be open to start the affair again.
Blow it up, TheAgonyOfIt. If you have evidence be prepared to share it with the BH. Oftentimes they can't believe their spouse would do this. They need proof. Be kind and gentle. Tell him in a way you would have liked to have been told.
P.S. I don't know if anyone has welcomed you to SI yet, TheAgonyOfIt, but I will say welcome to the best club you don't ever want to belong to. If you haven't already, please read the Healing Library. It is located in the upper left hand corner in the yellow box. When you get to the library, pay particular attention to the BS FAQ's, a lot of invaluable information in there. (((TAOI)))
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:30 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Tell the other betrayed spouse.