5454, you did bring up an interesting point about the visualization/trust. I think it could be connected. Hmm...I need to process that. My mind is spinning now.

Thanks outtamymind.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 11:35 AM, May 3rd, 2013 (Friday)]

It could be that you don't fully trust yourself yet, that is what I hear when I read your words. And that could come from a number of places. Maybe after living a different way for a longer period of time you will began to trust yourself more, or you may have more work to do deeper down. Only you know why that COULD be there. I am just saying what I hear when I hear you talk about it.

You know Hlessons can do the same thing when he gets angry about something, it can get displaced onto me. Over the past three years I have tried hard to learn when I am deserving of it and when I am not. And when I am not, I tell him, and I put it back in his lap and tell him to deal with it and walk away. Sometimes, it really has nothing to do with me at all, but because of what we did, it makes it easy to offload it there. That may not be at all what your H was doing, you may have just been present and an easy target at the moment. Are you able to start recognizing when the anger is not yours to own and walk away from it?

The honeymoon (for lack of a better word) is over and we're kicking into more typical, every day life. We're not as hyper vigilant. We're not on constant alert and I think that's part of it. When an issue arises, I think, "Oh crap. Life. What was I supposed to do again, cause I know the old stuff doesn't work." Still trying to put healthy mechanisms in place during high stress situations.

Are you able to start recognizing when the anger is not yours to own and walk away from it?

I was reading your post and something jumped out at me.

He was angry. The issue wasn't my fault. I was still trying to help him problem solve to fix the issue. Cause that's what married people do. Fix it together. He turned his anger on me. I would negotiate, he'd snap. I'd try another way, he'd growl.

It sounds to me like he didn't turn his anger on you until you went into "fix it" mode. Being angry and being angry at you are two different things. HT has expressed anger and frustration plenty if times. Plenty of times that anger and frustration turned towards me. The reason being is because I have tried to "fix it" rather than just listen.

When I try to fix it, I stop listening and stop empathizing because I am too busy with coming up with a solution. Yes, as a married couple the two if you should work together. But the nice thing about being married is having someone to vent to and lean on. Someone that can empathize with how you feel. Sometimes an immediate solution is not what we are after. Sometimes we just need a little encouragement and understanding. Sometimes we just want someone to hear us.

It's like when someone has a problem managing their weight. A skinny friend says "all you need to do is eat less and exercise more". As true as that is, I guarantee the response from the person having the problem will not be very positive because its more complicated than that. That skinny friend has no idea how difficult that is and clearly doesn't understand the emotional aspect that holds that person back. Opening up about it makes that person vulnerable and someone throwing simple solutions at them can be frustrating.

My point is, that it sounds as if he was trying to express how he was feeling about the hiccup in his goals. If you were trying to come up with solutions, he may not have felt heard or understood by you and them in turn became angry and frustrated with you for not just listening and understanding. He may have just been needing your support rather than your solution.

Do you have a tendency to equate your self worth to your ability to manage/fix difficult situations? That's too much to put on one person so yes, you will fail from time to time. But that is human nature.

Mr. Aubrie clearly sees value in you. Do you? There was a time that I lived in fear that HT was going to figure out that he could get so much better than me and leave. Him sticking by me through my ugliest of times has made me realize how wrong I was to ever have doubted him. The more I learn to love myself the more the negative self talk dissipates.

Have love and faith in yourself Aubrie for the person you are. The more you believe in yourself the more you will be able to invest in a solid vision of your future.

When we walked in the house, it was like a switch when off and he was huffing and grousing about. He was already angry. And I guess I didn't help the situation by trying to fix anything.

Do you have a tendency to equate your self worth to your ability to manage/fix difficult situations?

When I do good, I don't have to worry about his wrath. I see his smile of approval and know that everything is ok in the world. I can breathe easily. When I do bad, I will face his wrath and displeasure till he decides he is over it.

The first vivid memory I have of his displeasure for a mess up, was when I was in 2nd grade. I got a B in math. God he was so angry. And I got a whipping for it. How ironic that math ended up being a weak point for me, I needed extra help, and I eventually cheated in math all thru high school. Even more ironic, he cheated his way thru high school. So go ahead, tell me how bad my B in 2nd grade was Dad.

Even to this day, we're held to a "standard". We are the "examples". People are watching us, they look up to us. Good Golly Miss Molly. I understand you want to be proud of your children. At the same time, we're human, dang it.

So yes. Fix it = Good Aubrie
Don't fix it = Bad Aubrie

Mr. Aubrie clearly sees value in you. Do you?

I really, really screwed my life up. For the most part, my parents were pretty good. My life was a fairy tale compared to so many of the horrors I've read here. But because of FOO, abuse and...life, I grew warped. Now, I'm all pruned back, staked and propped up, and trying to grow straight. Every now and then a little branch shoots out and there's beautiful flowers. More and more I see the new actions and growth and am proud of what I am.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and see the naked branches and the stakes and props and think, "Oh God. So not worth it." Guess that's when I psych myself up and stick with it anyway.