SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Y'all weren't kidding. Year 2 blows. So many times lately I feel I'm on shifting sand. There have been so many areas of growth, so many changes, but then a new situation arises and I doubt how I handle it.

A week or so ago I was out shopping with my sister. I was browsing a rack of clothing and glanced up at a person walking past. I felt a "Hmm, he looks familiar...OMGDearGodNoWayItCan'tBeHim..." Both thoughts hit at the same time. I panicked, looked back at the clothing rack, then looked back up. It can't be. Surely. He looked identical to OM. I was staring, trying to figure out how he found me, why was he here, no wait that can't be him, quit staring he's going to think you're nuts, how can 2 people look so alike, Aubrie get a grip already, you're insane.

He walked out of the building and I stood there in shock and horror. Shocked that I flipped out and stared. Horrified that I froze up and didn't handle the situation better. I haven't had a single thought other than "meh" in regards to OM for forever. And this day, it felt like it was all shot to pieces with this clone.

I was sick for hours. Here I was out with my sister and had to keep pretending that everything was hunky dory. All the while I kept my sunglasses on and had "a frog in my throat" to explain why I kept clearing my throat. (Helps ward off crying btw. Awesome tip for when you're in public.)

At home I went thru the scenario again. Was it "just" a trigger? Was there something buried that I haven't dealt with? I searched and searched and couldn't find anything. Maybe I should have felt relief about that. But all I could feel was sadness and horror over the whole event.

Last weekend I attended a 25th anniversary party for some friends. Y'all have no idea how ridiculously amazing this couple is. Yeah they have had terrible ups and downs in life. They've had good times and bad times. But Saturday was a literal fairy tale. Their relationship is rock solid. Their love and respect oozes from both of them. Most importantly, infidelity has never touched their lives. They have never been tempted, never acted upon, never been perpetrator or victim of it. You can almost literally see the wall they have built around their marriage.

I never expected that party to shake me up so badly. I gathered the kids up and sobbed the whole way home. My heart hurt. I sat there and watched a a beautiful relationship. I heard the words that were spoken. From other people. From the happy couple themselves. What they have, it was something my husband always wanted. Fidelity. Faithfulness. Not a hard request right? However, from day 1, I have never given him that. Ever. We both bear the scars that no matter how they fade, they will never be erased. I feel very ashamed of our scars. The scars I gave both of us. The scars he never wanted or asked for.

Times like that it's hard to say, "Yeah I screwed up but today is a new day. Look where I am now." Those words seem so hollow and are not the least bit comforting.

Third issue, family goals. My husband has had this ideal. It's not a stretch and more than possible. However for years I've always undermined him. Since Dday, we've been working together towards these goals. I'm helping him instead of sabotaging him. He has said he's noticed a huge difference and is happy with progress. When there is a hiccup in the plan, we work to find a solution. Then there's times like yesterday. When every thing seems to fall apart. We faced a small hiccup.

As I went into problem solve mode, he hit a slump. We are closer than ever before with our goals. Seriously, we're days away. Not months or years. Days. We can taste it, it's so close. But he still crashed hard and fast. It didn't matter what I said or did, he lashed out venomously. Then he got passive-aggressive.

I felt fear. A blinding fear. And I started shutting down. How is it possible that we can face infidelity, we can be 18 months into this, but something like this goal hiccup can paralyze us? New and fabulous things (which were part of the goal) were accomplished in the past 5 days. But still, this hiccup felt like it was killing us. I see and understand why it's important to him. Why he wants this. And I'm behind him 100%. But when I see how it sometimes controls him, it's so scary. That even with all the positive that's being accomplished, it's still never going to be enough. When we do reach our goals, will it be enough? Or will there be a new elusive goal to chase?

For so many years I undermined him. It's been my fault for a long time. For 18 months, I've been on the straight and narrow and I know it's going to take time and patience on my part. Consistent actions and all that. Hiccups scare the heart and soul out of me. The hiccups aren't my fault this time. But they are taken out on me because for 8 1/2 years, most of the hiccups were my fault. He lashes out. I feel myself consumed with fear, trying to fix the issue if humanly possible, to please him, to help him. When I feel a wall like I did yesterday, the fear is so overwhelming.

I'm talking in circles. I can't think objectively. There's my problems, his problems, and our problems. Logically I know this. But it's so much harder to keep them separated.

Was it "just" a trigger? Was there something buried that I haven't dealt with?

I think that you may have buried something dealing with seeing someone that looks like OM. It might be anger or shame that still exists from that choice. This may be due to that fact that you are healing. And that the scars aren't yet scars but still wounds in the process of healing.

Slightly off-topic now, but once your H's goal is achieved is there a future goal? Could his behavior be self-sabotaging in that since there is no future goal that he fears returning to some other place or that he will be lost?

As to this couple celebrating their 25th, I would bet you that they have their own scars. 25 years is a long time in a relationship for both parties to be perfect. I suspect what you really are admiring is their ability to recover from hurtful events in their relationship. Their commitment to continue the relationship. This is something that is still true for you and your H. Keep fighting for your marriage. (I envy you that your marriage still has a chance to get to a 25th, something that I probably will never see for me)

If your H needs an ear on anything ever, please send him my way.

(((Aubrie and Mr. Aubrie)))

Hey you,

I was just saying last night that I hadn't seen you around.

So a couple of things, the goal thing with your H, that could just be the way he is, or it could be a way of controlling his environment right now. It is a way for him to feel safe. You may not know for a bit, but I don't see it as a bad thing. It is probably part of his processing. And when it doesn't go right, for him it feels out of control, that is why it hits him so hard. I would say, it is not about you, not directly.

Now onto the bigger issue, what is the fear about? Have you looked this fear in the face and picked it apart yet? Often fear can be about not being in control of something, so what are you afraid of letting go, what is going to happen if you let go of this particular issue?

The couple with the 25th anniversary, as MOO said,you don't get to that place without your own battles and ups and downs. Someday, you and Mr. Aubrie will celebrate the same 25th anniversary and there may be someone in the crowd just like you thinking I want what they have. Having no idea what you two have been through to get there. It will happen, just breathe.

I think that you may have buried something dealing with seeing someone that looks like OM. It might be anger or shame that still exists from that choice.

For the most part I'm in acceptance mode. Shame still creeps in every now and then. The day I saw the OM clone, I was in a good place, Mr. Aubrie was fabulous. Life was...normal. Neither were triggering or feeling squirrely.

I don't really know how to work thru this. Bear with me. I never met OM IRL. He lives in a town 4 hours away I've never been to, nor have reason to visit. I lied to him about me. He has no possible way to find/contact me. We never had to worry about him breaking NC on his end. I simply vanished.

Shortly after Dday, I had the typical new WS freak outs and panics about the OM magically materializing before my eyes. But the reality was, it was not a logical probability.

Maybe I felt too "safe" and let my guard down. Maybe it was too soon to just let go and be.

once your H's goal is achieved is there a future goal?

There's one final one. It's several years away and he's expressed satisfaction that it will take that long.

Could his behavior be self-sabotaging in that since there is no future goal that he fears returning to some other place or that he will be lost?

Based on what he's told me about his FOO, their approach to similar goals, and his abhorrence to that approach, I really don't see how he would be willingly self-sabotaging. I know how important this is to him and really can't see how a hiccup would be accepted and/or welcomed in some weird way.

Maybe it's like TG said and he's doing what he can to control his environment. I don't know.

what is the fear about?

Because for so long, I was a huge reason for lack of goal reaching. It hurt him tremendously. While this issue cannot be pegged on me in anyway this time, I know how hard he takes the hits. For so long, I was the source of the problem and he would lash out at me. Maybe because it's habit now.

Have you looked this fear in the face and picked it apart yet?

No, I guess I haven't.

Often fear can be about not being in control of something, so what are you afraid of letting go, what is going to happen if you let go of this particular issue?

Ironically, I have given him complete control with this goal. He excels with this particular area. I don't and am happy with letting him take control. I have turned over the reins completely. It does not matter to me in the least what he does. I trust him to lead us in the right direction.

It's not fear of control loss. It's fear of his displeasure and unhappiness in that area, whether it's my fault or not. I've hurt him so much in this area and I don't want to hurt him anymore. No more scars. Not from me. Not from anything related to that goal. When he went off last night, I was petrified. He was angry. I was scrambling to find where I had done something wrong. Surely it had to be my fault, because it usually always is. I had to find a solution.

Absolutely the 25 year couple has scars. I have heard stories and testimonies. Everyone has battles. I wasn't saying they were perfect. I think to me, it was just so huge because infidelity was never a thought for them. Ever. To see a normal, functioning, healthy couple...it was breathtaking. Beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

When he went off last night, I was petrified. He was angry. I was scrambling to find where I had done something wrong. Surely it had to be my fault, because it usually always is. I had to find a solution.

I can relate to this a lot. It goes back to my FOO issues. Always being expected to fix things, be perfect, make it right. Anger also scares me. I am working on that, I realize that Hlessons doesn't expect me to fix it when he gets angry.

Have you talked to your H about this? Is his anger ok with you? Can you let go and know that you don't need to fix anything?

ETA: Can you see you and Mr.Aubrie as normal and functioning at 25 years? I know you feel that the infidelity is a scar on the M history, and it is. You both have also taken it and turned it around to make your M stronger, you have turned yourself around. Don't look at what could have been, look at what is. What you have is beautiful as well.

[This message edited by tired girl at 2:27 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Yeah, I'm not too swell with anger directed at me. My normal cope/escape was to self-flagellate in an attempt to get the angry one off my back and away from me quicker. I'd agree that I was a loser, that I was stupid and couldn't do anything right, or whatever it was that day.

Last night in the kitchen I felt his anger and frustration. I knew the situation was not my fault but I still felt his anger. But the self-flagellation thing is something I've been working intensely on. I was standing there, unsure with what to do with myself, what to say, what to think. I felt trapped and panicked. What do I do? How do I process this? I was a shaking, sobbing puddle in the floor because I didn't know what else to do.

Is his anger ok with you?

I'm not sure how you mean this. Is it ok with me that he takes his anger out on me? I don't know. I suppose if I'm at fault then yes, I should take it. However if a situation is out of my control, I don't appreciate being the target. Vent all you want. But don't take it out on me. There's a difference yes?

Can you let go and know that you don't need to fix anything?

But don't I? I couldn't handle the situation properly. Something needs fixed.

Can you see you and Mr.Aubrie as normal and functioning at 25 years?

Interesting question. I have never envisioned Mr. Aubrie and I at a ripe old age. Day dreamed about it maybe, but realistically "see" it, no. I always thought I'd chase him off before we'd make it far. One of us would leave because we couldn't make it work.

So I have a couple of questions to make sure I am clear with things, he was angry, it wasn't your fault, and yet he was blaming you or directing it at you?

If that is the case, no, I don't think that is ok, do I think that happens in M's, yes. But I want to hear what you have to say before I go further.

I do find it interesting that you still don't have a picture in your head of you two growing old together, I bet quite a few people here can imagine the two of you celebrating a 25th anniversary. So do you still have a worry that you are going to do something to run him off?

he was angry, it wasn't your fault, and yet he was blaming you or directing it at you?

He was angry. The issue wasn't my fault. I was still trying to help him problem solve to fix the issue. Cause that's what married people do. Fix it together. He turned his anger on me. I would negotiate, he'd snap. I'd try another way, he'd growl.

I do find it interesting that you still don't have a picture in your head of you two growing old together, I bet quite a few people here can imagine the two of you celebrating a 25th anniversary. So do you still have a worry that you are going to do something to run him off?

I didn't realize till you asked me that I didn't have a long term visual on our relationship. But when I sit back and think about it, I can't really visualize anything. I have hope and dreams. But seeing them, no.

Do I still have a worry I will run him off? I don't know. Yes and no. I've dished up alot of hurt in the course of our relationship. He is more than deserving of health and happiness. I fear hurting him in any way. I fear doing something that bugs him that I'm not aware of, that would be the last straw for him.

If he left, I can't say I'd blame him for it. Would I be devastated? Absolutely. Would I survive? Yes.

Ok this is really bugging me.

I can't legitimately visualize a future. I don't know why.

Really I shouldn't be surprised. I can't visualize anything. Like when we're doing home improvement stuff, I have to study the daylights out of the project, see other people's pictures, and then do it to my house before I can say, "Yes, I love/hate it."

I don't like this feeling.

Just a question to get you thinking. Can you visualize the negatives? Did you do the "what if's' on D-Day? Were you able to visualize those?

Can you visualize the negatives? Did you do the "what if's' on D-Day? Were you able to visualize those?

I remember being terrified. Knowing that by confessing, our marriage could be over. I remember thinking, "What if he leaves? What will I do? I don't know. I'll figure it out."

I have always lived in the present. The here and now. Dream about future? Yeah. But actually place goals and chart it out, no.

In my mind, if he's done with the marriage today, I know what needs to be done. Seeing myself being able to do them is another thing. The first thought that comes to mind is, I don't know. I'll figure it out.

ETA: And I think that has to do with FOO. Dad is the same way. He figures it out as he goes. We've always been like that. I guess I just don't know how to change it.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:21 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

What are your dreams for the future? That can be part of visualizing.

(((Aubrie))) I just wanted to say that I envision YOU as that couple, years hence, that have a fabulous 25th anniversary party. I see YOU as the couple that have had hard times and good times---and emanate love and respect.

I really do.

Thanks solus sto, that was very sweet of you.

TG, I've been thinking about this all day and trying to figure out if being non-visual is a bad thing. I haven't come to a conclusion yet. Mr. Aubrie and I were talking about it and we shared this with a friend.

They said: Some people (like myself) have trouble focusing on the present to the detriment of getting things done. You have hopes and aspirations so you can consider the future. If you have trouble visualizing things like your future with him or your life in general then treat it like a project. Write it out. Plan it out. Put it in black and white. Create a collage or better yet put it to music. You have said numerous times that you are musical. Seriously. Don't visualize you and him 25 years from now. Hear it in music. Try it.

What are your dreams for the future?

I do want to grow old with him if he'll let me. I want to be the one who stands beside him as our kids graduate and when they eventually marry. I want to be the one who sits in the rocking chairs with him on the front porch, yelling at the neighbor kids. I want to be the one standing next to him giggling "Love on them and send them home." as we give the screaming grandkids back to their mom and dad. I want to be the one he asks to bring him his dentures. I want his hand to be the one I'm holding as I pass from this life.

This may sound so childish or immature, but I'm throwing it out there anyway. He has gotten gray alot more the past several months and it thrills my soul. Not just because I find it incredibly attractive, but I see that he is getting older, and he's still here with me. I see part of that dream becoming actual reality.

I think you are visualizing parts of your future just fine.

Do we all have a perfect picture in our heads of what that is going to be? No, I don't think so, I do think some of us live very present day, like you, or I. Some are more in the past, or some in the future. But you have an idea of what you want with him in the future.

I do see some fear in that future disappearing still, or that you are going to make that go away by doing something horrible. How does that translate for you?

As far as the anger thing goes, have you two discussed what happened?

We've talked a bit about the anger thing but not completely. I guess he let fear of the hiccup consume him and he projected it onto me, however unfair it was.

Yes there is still fear of somehow sabotaging my future with him. I've spent a long time screwing things up. I just don't want to do something to finally cause him to snap. I've been working hard to overhaul everything about myself. And don't get me wrong, they are good changes. I'm very content with my progress. But there is still a bit of fear that I'll make a stupid mistake or choice and he'll bail.

But there is still a bit of fear that I'll make a stupid mistake or choice and he'll bail.

There are stupid mistakes and choices that all of us make. Pretty sure that Mr. Aubrie stuck with you through one of the biggest. Are you giving him enough credit?(Trust)

Is he aware of your fear? Do you believe his answer?

Pretty sure that Mr. Aubrie stuck with you through one of the biggest.

Yes he did. Four times over.

I thought about this all night. And I was wrong. It's not fear so much of him leaving, but of him staying. Let me explain. He's been dealt crappy hands for years. I've hurt him in countless ways. And yet he stays. He said he made a vow "till death" and he's sticking with that. My fear is that I will hurt him time and time again, not know it (because he doesn't always speak up), and he will be living miserably. Does that make any sense?

Sure it's his choice. He chooses how he lives his life. I get that. At the same time I feel I need to do everything perfectly to prevent further hurts.

*sigh* Let's face it. I'm not giving him enough credit. I'm not trusting. I'm letting my fears rule.

Back to the drawing board.

It makes perfect sense. However, this is real life.

There are stupid mistakes and choices that all of us make.

Everyone makes mistakes. It is part and parcel of the human experience.

At the same time I feel I need to do everything perfectly to prevent further hurts.

Nothing wrong in trying, but don't be too hard on yourself if you are not perfect. Being a Stepford wife isn't everymans ideal. If you make a mistake and are aware of it, apologize, show remorse, don't repeat it and move on. As you well know, every marriage has it's hills and valleys and bumps in the road. If you make a mistake and are unaware of it, you're right, it's his choice to speak up or not.

I think you are aware enough of each other at this point to know if he's having a problem dealing with something. Ask!

The juxtaposition of trust and an inability to visualize the future is a little interesting. Could they be connected?

A wise woman once said, "Saddle up anyway!".

Hi Aubrie,

I wish I had some advice for you. You've helped me tremendously through some dark times, and to see you struggling, it makes me feel helpless.

Perhaps just the fact that I'm responding to your questions might be helpful enough.

Perhaps you're being too hard on yourself, as we WS's tend to be. Maybe if you look at everything with the perspective that you're way better off now than you were back around D-Day. Sort of a glass half full approach.

I wish I had something more insightful or applicable to your situation.

Hang in there.