His legal dependent to stay married? Don't even know what this means.
I don't use him and the protection I need is FROM him
Going in the corner to lick my extra wounds, now
No one should be psychoanalyzing your faults like that, especially when you are at your most vulnerable. I agree it was un called for.
Your IC will help you discover any changes, work you need to do. If it means anything at all, I did not see those things as true, (or false), I don't see how someone could know that about the dynamics of your life, just from what you posted. I am sorry you are hurting.
I don't know the facts of my own life. My memories of every day are skewed with the knowledge of the behind my back stuff
I am so sorry for what you're going through right now. The first sentence I quoted is one that staggered me for the better part of two years post DDay. I've done my own digging & discovered an astounding double life my STBX was leading. Each discovery destroyed me again & again, yet it was critical that I know, KNOW, the truth about my own life.
I couldn't have survived it without lots of counseling. Please please please get yourself into counseling immediately. For a couple of months I went 2x weekly! Then stepped down to 1x weekly. Then 2x monthly, then 1x monthly. Now I'm back to 2x monthly, although right now I need to be going 1x weekly because my divorce is almost over & the pressure is on.
You need to find a counselor.
BTW, I am doing all this, the starting over, and I'm in my 50's. It's not impossible to start over at this age. I'll be GD'd if I'm gonna let a cruel pervert like STBX ruin the rest of my life. Right now I'm really low & struggling, but that's because of all the stress. It's not going to kill me. I can do this.
You can do this, too.
To re-find yourself and break your dependency on your H.
This is no criticism -- so please do not react to it as such - it is life-saving advice. Be your own friend.
All my life I used to read stories about the wife who finds out that her husband is a __________. And I'd think, oh, she knew or she's an idiot. Then to realize that *I* am that wife? To find out that I'd been utterly duped? And worse, to look back and acknowledge that I'd willfully ignored certain clues & red flags, all in the name of blind trust and fidelity? Horrors!
Yes, it is like an amnesiac trying to reconstruct a past. Yes, I do feel I have enough pieces of the puzzle that I can have a large measure of peace of mind. No, I'll never know it all. Heck, he won't even admit to what I do know and have proof! So I'll never know everything. I'll never understand him because he's a character-disordered person. I'll never trust him with the children because he's a pervert as well as a character-disordered person. But I have enough information about him now as well as about our life together that I can make some sense of things. I am able to rewrite my life with what I think now is accurate information. Unfortunately the part I play in that life is often titled "Fool", but oh well, I was but am no longer. Now I reach out to people when I see in them similar themes as what I saw in myself. The only way I can tolerate having the disgusting black smears in my past is if I can use that heartbreak to help others.
I don't want to die without these pieces of my puzzle
And hate how much work it is to get that information about my own life, my own marriage.
Sultan never did 'fess up completely about all of his shenanigans and I finally decided that I was done with the *tooth-pulling* conversations. He wants to keep his secrets? Ok, fine. He can put them in the drawer right next to the divorce papers that he got.
See, there was no way that I could remain in a marriage with a person that insisted that I just *ignore* my distorted past.
I used to feel that I needed to *know* all the pieces to the puzzle. And that would still be true if I were to remain married to him. But I cut the cord....and now it's just not important anymore. I just don't give a flip. I've pretty much *wiped* any nice thing that he said or did for me in the years before I found out...and written them off as either guilt-assuagers or outright manipulation since he never cared to sufficiently *explain* why they weren't.
All I know is that *I* had my head in the marriage and the things that *I* did were done in the best interest of the family. Him?....not so much. So, whatever.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Now in the beginning all of this is overwhelming and I do not like any negative criticism, especially in the beginning. No need for that at all.
Disregard anything that makes you feel worse and take in only what empowers you.
Get the lawyer, read and enact as much of the 180 as you can. Get a grip on anything you can. Start with your finances.
Put your mask on first!!!
I'm not understanding why he *needs* to talk to a psych before he has a conversation with you. It's giving me a *bad vibe*....
I agree. That's a really disturbing thing to insist on. That's troubling.
Also, I agree that you need to get yourself to a divorce lawyer ASAP. You need information. Right now you have discovered you've been in the dark, that your husband is the one who's deliberately kept you there. He is treating you like a mushroom as far as darkness and diet. It's up to YOU to shine the light on this situation, whatever it is. It's up to you to decide what you'll stomach.
Talk to a lawyer. Don't let your husband delay talking to YOU via the trumped up need for a psychiatrist. He's buying time. He's taking more power & control over you. I urge you to be the driver, here.
If you're wondering if cheating spouses truly do lie right to our faces, the answer is yes, they do. My husband invoked his mother's grave and our children's lives, screamed those invocations, actually, as he insisted he was a faithful, loving husband. He screamed for God to be his witness, he begged God to strike him down with a lightning bolt, if he'd ever been unfaithful or lied to me. He sobbed, he blubbered, he despondently whispered that everything was all untrue... He pleaded & begged me to believe him.
During most of our marriage I would have believed him. Surely no one could say those things and be lying, right? A man wouldn't become that hysterical if he wasn't telling the truth, right? But after DDay, and after each successive discovery? That line from Shakespeare kept ringing in my head, "Methinks the [man] doth protest too much."
Ex-H had affair with HO-worker. Started 2000-lasted a year and threw her under the bus when I found out. They started up again in 2006 and didn't stop.
Mine did what yours is doing..said he wasn't doing it, said I was crazy, wanted counseling but in the end he just took it more underground.
Nothing I said to him or the Ho-worker made a difference...(btw--my OW's kids were friends with mine as they went to school together, played together and visited each other's houses). So she knew my kids and didn't care that she was breaking up my family...
The problem is not with OW as she doesn't care about you or your kids or how much you hurt. Your problem is with your H as he is the one that made vows to you..and you have to let him know that you will no longer tolerate 3 in your marriage.
1) See a lawyer and find out your options.
2) File for divorce. I say this because he will not take you seriously unless you let him know the consequences of his decisions/actions. You can put the D on hold if his actions change and you have proof that he is no longer in contact..Most states will let you put a D on hold for up to a year before you have to decide if you are going to go through with it or have them dismiss it..but he has to understand that you are serious about what you expect in your marriage...
My SI friends told me this for 6 years but I just wanted to save my marriage..problem was, I was the only one trying to save it. I filed and it took me a year to get D but he wouldn't stop seeing her.
He suffered the consequences by losing his family (my oldest does not talk to him), his home (I got the house)and he got all the debt (he had more in retirement so instead of giving me half, he got the debt). He also pays child support every month...
I am happier now, I have peace and I have a wonderful SO that gives me the respect I deserve...And BTW, I filed at the age of 52...I was scared of being alone, of losing everything, of the future. But I could no longer put up with his A.
It can be done but you need to get strong, make a decision about what you will tolerate and take action..
I am praying for you!!!
You already know he's a liar and a cheater. You heard him with your own ears. You need to talk to an IC. Not MC, and IC. Get your own head screwed on straight, let a professional help you sort your thoughts out. MC can come later.