So I am now journaling my infidelity. I am going through everything I have done. Going through timeline, through books I have read about infidelity, trying to make sense of it.
It is helping me to remember stuff, bad stuff, horrible stuff. Stuff that makes me feel sick that I allowed/ invited to happen.
I am sharing this journal with BS. In a way it is good for me, being able to unpackage it all. Facing it, accepting what I have done. Breaking over it.
I think it is helping BS. Raises more questions for her which I try to answer.
It feels like my thinking was so warped and screwed. BS showed me a section in a journal I wrote 7 months ago. It was still some warped thinking. I have changed since then but she still wonders if I still think one way but tell her another.
I don't know how to convince her that I changed and chaning. She acknowledges that I am transitioning from the mess i was in. Its been a long haul of living the brainwashed existence I had.
In my journal I write about all the experiences I had. Awful.
How can I convince my BS that I am still worthy of the fight for our marriage. She has suffered so much, I have destroyed her and fully understand her rational for questioning why she is still with me.
Thanks for being there.