Hello, BS here. I didn't see a stop sign and some of the posts on Cissie's thread have touched my life.
Some realizations have occured to me over the course of the last year and a half that WS has been gone and that's the detatchment aspect of what we go through.
So much advice is given to us about letting go of the actual person who wronged us. It seems that break up advice in general dotes on that aspect.
However, one of the most difficult things for me has been to detatch from my marriage itself or being part of a couple (I see them everywhere now) and allow myself to have thoughts of a future as a single person.
Likewise, realizations of who my spouse either hid or became have helped, though keep the grief at surface level. I choose to think he became this different person rather than think that my whole adulthood and marriage was a lie.
Another thing that helped for detatchment purposes is the understanding that WS is simply not the person I thought I knew and is in fact so vastly different, that what I knew about him may not even be reality. So my wishing for R was for someone I don't know anymore.
Being in limbo (I also call it purgatory) basically only helped me pretend that he might come back, but really it's been harmful to myself. And it helped him continue to not face reality and keep the disrespect and decipt going. And remembering what he's out there doing, while I and DD suffer, helped push me toward the reality of D.
Cissie,I understand this is the wayward thread, but I hope you won't forget thinking about yourself as an individual person, for it sounds like you may spend a lot of time not doing that, as I did. And when I let myself turn towards me, I was horrified to understand the amount of...crap I had been put through by WS and basically allowed by hovering in purgatory.
My situation has a list in it that is a duplicate of the one you wrote and basically, my WS didn't want to bother with monogamy anymore and wanted to make his porn addiction real life, but didn't want to tell me. He had the madonna thing going towards me or I was more a mother figure for that stuff, but he didn't talk about that, either. He simply said, "I can't be me around you.", but I just about begged him to be real with me.
Some of what he said and says now just sounds like media-based lines, tv, books, movies.
I guess just don't forget about your own life, if you feel you've done everything you can to try R and still get a brick wall. I am sorry. It doesn't seem like you're being treated fairly and it seems like you're trying.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge