Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: tryingtoR (44315)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why does a BS cause themselves more pain
positively4thst
♀ Member
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen up cowboy, you're the source of her pain. As you don't seem to grasp that, let me enlighten you.

What other sites have you been to looking for woman? What? I haven't been to any except Craigslist. She says in your mail you have date search, senior search, FB search for dating, Russian girls wanting husband

I replied are you in my Spam Mail

Wow. Reading this, I feel you are in total denial about your culpability. Also just want to say the spam box still tells a story. When I tried to find if my ex was on on dating sites, I signed up under an alias looking for the same age group, etc. that I thought he would be searching. Suddenly, when I went to sign in to my google or yahoo email, all the advertisements seemed to be aimed at "seeking Men" in my area, etc. I was so disconnected to that thought that I disregarded it for some time. Then I started to notice the connection between my searches and the advertisements that would populate my Yahoo home page/email account. Yes, some things are random, but I think you misunderstand the extent of your online presence and the data that is collected from your surfing, etc. In a nutshell, you don't get spam "Russian girls want husband" for no reason. And, you say you haven't been anywhere "but" Craigslist. Do you really understand Craigslist? What it represents and how it is used?

I hope you will take a few steps back if you are sincere in what you are trying to accomplish and take a good look at yourself. If this is all smoke and mirrors, I hope you do the right thing by definitively ending it with your wife so she can move on and find a life/happiness for herself.

[This message edited by positively4thst at 8:34 PM, April 26th (Friday)]


Posts: 1244 | Registered: May 2009
hurtmywife27
♂ Member
Member # 38799
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in business and use my laptop for graigslist, eBay, career builders, advertising, Facebook, twitter, LinkedIn. Not to sound funny but if you ever met my wife in person, not only her personality, but looks and figure, she blows away any 30 year old. She is drop dead beautiful. My phone number she doesn't have a problem with, she knows I use this for work and can get my records at anytime, I also don't delete anything on my phone, nor do I clear cookies on my laptop. The computer at work is tied into a central IT and being one of the bosses we can see where anyone has been on the computer at all times including, my partners and me, also corporate keeps a sharp eye on computer activity. Remorse oh yea big time (I) CAUSED this, it's been 6 weeks and it hit me hard 2 weeks ago and is getting worst everyday. My wife has her moments and comfort her, we are always together, even now. What we had I broke. We have been through so much and I mean so much together and when she feels like she wants to punch me in the face, sometimes wish she would, if I could beat the crap out of myself, I would. She is loving, caring, and as she says day by day. Yes sometimes can be her biggest Trigger. Songs she listens to and I listen to, never feel the need to shut off, we cry together and know the songs word for word.. We are working together and will be here as long as she excepts me. SORRY is just a word my emotions are real and her emotions are more real then ever before.

[This message edited by hurtmywife27 at 8:53 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]


WH (me) 59
BS (her) 45
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22................................. I Totally screwed up.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Toms River NJ
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off...you are not far from dday at all. Just a little over a month. The pain she is feeling is caused by you and you alone.

That being said, those spam emails sent me for a loop too. You can have her send me a PM in order to confirm stuff she is finding and whether or not it is you or just spam.

Give her time and lots of hugs. Sounds like she is still at the point of digging. It will continue for quite some time. I am 10 months out and still check from time to time. The trust is coming back slowly but still not there.

And yes we cause ourselves more pain. But please realize that music, movies, tv shows, women, men, and any communication with the opposite sex will and can trigger us. Start looking through her eyes and just give her support....SHE NEEDS IT!!!

Good luck!!!


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another aspect of this is that your BW may remember times in the past when <something> seemed *off* or *dodgy* but she didn't mention it because "my spouse would never <xyz>" or she didn't want to seem like an untrusting, needy person.

So she's most likely not going to let even the smallest *oddity* get by right now without bringing it up to you and asking about it. Expect questions anytime you're late, early, part your hair different, *start* a new activity, get dating spam in your email, take a phone call at an *off* time, watch a new TV show, etc.... It's just par for the course right now.

And realize that if you show even the smallest amount of exasperation or frustration about the questions, she will sense it and that attitude will make trust-building take just *that much* longer.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hurtmywife27
♂ Member
Member # 38799
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Changing my e mail and limiting to people I know. Only! My wife and me had a great day together. My wife said screw the house, it will be here to rebuild, we're going to hire a sheetrocker to finish and get the load off. Just to see her smile yesterday talking to our neighbors. Thank you Sweetie for being the loving person you are.. To everyone, I don't put a stop sign up, because I always want to hear from everyone. Good or bad advise is better then no help and advise,


WH (me) 59
BS (her) 45
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22................................. I Totally screwed up.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Toms River NJ
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtmywife – Your dday was last month. She is still processing the betrayal and working through what to do. Wondering if she can believe you. Wondering if there were others. Wondering what she did to deserve this. Then trying to convince herself it was not her fault. I remember this lasting for months. The A consumed me for days. My WH couldn’t understand how I felt because he has never been cheated on.

It takes time to rebuild the trust. Even over year since DDay and nine months since second DDay I still fly in a rage when I feel he is hiding what he is doing or anything that is like is behavior during the A.

Show empathy and remorse. Stay open, honest and transparent. Importantly when she questions you and says she does not trust you say you understand and are truly sorry for hurting her and want her to trust and believe you.

MC has really helped us work through the anger and problems before, during and after the A. I strongly recommend MC.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should try being a little more sensitive.

(I changed my tune.)

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 5:43 PM, April 29th (Monday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

libertyrocks...

If you can't post respectfully in this forum, you will be removed from it.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196533 | Registered: May 2002
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reall sorry hurtmywife.
I would want someone to protect my WS dignity as well.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 6:27 PM, April 29th (Monday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.