I don't understand why a BS would cause the self so much pain? The emotional hurt, distrust, the triggers can all be understood, feeling the remorse, listening to songs that are tearing her apart, ( gets to me to) did you ever notice they play just at the right moment
Your BS is NOT causing herself pain, YOU caused this. She is processing her pain, big difference. My WH didn't (doesn't?) get that one either. We don't listen to painful songs because we want to wallow in grief, we listen to painful songs because someone else understands our pain that way. We check things restlessly (like your email) because we have been LIED to and deceived and the spouse we thought we had didn't exist. We look for signs it is still happening because we ignored them before Dday. We go over and over details and ask for more graphic details so we can make it all real. Believe me when I say this isn't done on purpose, it is how we make sense of and process this trauma that our best friend and lover inflicted on us.
Maybe try supporting her and actually seeing her pain and step back and you will see her, REALLY see her. You will see she HAS to do these things to accept the plate you have handed her.
It's great you are asking and I get why this is confusing for a WS, until this has been done to you, it doesn't make sense. Ask her why she does these things and be ready for some painful truths as you see the full Monty of pain and betrayal she is facing.
I don't understand why a BS would cause the self so much pain?
Nearly everything we thought we knew and believed about our spouse and relationship has been brought into question. Our own self confidence and self image has been pulled out from under us. The person we trusted for support and comfort has knifed us, refuses to help as we are asking, and then complains that we are doing wrong when we try to save ourselves.
You should really ask this in General if you want answers.
ETA: It is not spam mail you need to explain. You need to explain, and prove through sustained actions, why it is safe to remain M to you and that you will not turn to an OW again in the future, and that you understand and are remorseful for your betrayal.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:12 AM, April 26th (Friday)]
Your BS is NOT causing herself pain, YOU caused this. She is processing her pain, big difference
We don't listen to painful songs because we want to wallow in grief, we listen to painful songs because someone else understands our pain that way
...And this ^^^
-Mate, it's pretty specialist to want to "cause" yourself pain. I doubt your Mrs wants to- in fact I'm almost certain she'll be trying to alleviate her pain as best she can.
Contact you Internet Service Provider (ISP) and see if the spam filter can be improved. Sometimes they'll offer a program to download- careful it doesn't white list though or everything not in your address book will automatically be seen as spam.
Alea iacta est...
Like others said, WE do not choose to cause ourselves pain. You did that when you chose to cheat and inflict this pain on us. Trust us, we do NOT enjoy the pain at all. It's like being stabbed int he heart over and over and over, and all we want to do is escape the pain.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I don't understand why a BS would cause the self so much pain?
Have you listened to the radio lately? Do you know how hard it is to find a song that's not dripping with infidelity, whether from the perpetrator or the victim's angle?
As far as the email...
Can you understand why your wife would be flipping out? She can't trust you. She can't believe anything you say. So she is in research mode, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to see if you are lying, carrying the A underground, or TTing her.
She will question every single piece of mail you get. Whether it is legit or not. Because that single email could be the one that gives her another Dday. That is what she fears. So she asks you, hoping you prove her fears wrong.
You can significantly reduce spam by A. Changing your filter settings, or B. Get a new email address completely.
You are in the very, very early stages. Your words are going to mean nothing for a while. You will have to prove with your actions every minute of every day that you are truly done with the A/As. That you are changing. Consisted actions over the course of time. She will eventually take the spam for what it is. Spam. But for now, she's going to think it's her worst nightmare become reality. Again.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"You can do it!" - R. Schneider
she is in research mode, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to see if you are lying, carrying the A underground, or TTing her.
[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 10:42 AM, April 26th (Friday)]
She is not doing this to herself. You did it to her. Don't forget that. Your BS did not choose to exist in this state. You made the choice to put her here without her permission.
Posts like this, if your BS reads your posts here, can slow healing and make her feel like you don't get it. I hope that's not the case, so I'm telling you to be careful of that.
It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier
It's called hyper vigilance. It's a very normal reaction to the trauma that you caused with your A. It will level off gradually IF you put 100% effort into fixing your issues, but it will take a long time.
She's trying to make sure she has the whole truth so she can understand the situation. Being completely blindsided will do that to a person. You no longer know which way is up. The thing you thought would never be true has now become true, so that means that anything else might be true, too.
I do a lot of online selling and buying (usually buying from Craigslist and flipping on eBay), and I get those same e-mails. And I'm a woman, and I've never cheated on my husband or responded to a personals ad or anything. Basically half the listings on Craigslist are fishing for e-mail addresses that the poster can then pump spam into. There are companies (i.e. -- the sketchy dating sites that are emailing you) who literally pay people $1 for each new e-mail address they sell them to send spam to. ANYWAY... the only solution to this particular problem is to get an entirely new e-mail address and never use it to sign up for any website or respond to any ad anywhere on the internet -- not to buy something, not to adopt a pet, not to join a website, not even to apply for a job.
One of the things my WH did to help me was change his phone number and e-mail address. Took him a year, but he finally did it and wished he had sooner for me.
You do not know what a relief it is to me that she does not have that way to contact him. She could have broken nc and honestly I was constantly checking his phone and e-mail to see if she had. Like several times a day. I was obsessed. Now, I can relax a little and only check them once a week or so.
We use gmail and the spam is not as bad.
The deal is you screwed up big time. You destroyed the trust she had in you. You destroyed her security in your relationship and she is coping the best she can. Cut her some slack. She is going to see shadows where there are none. It is to be expected the first year at the very least. You created this situation you throw her in with no warning, so don't complain when she reacts the way she does. YOU did this to her. So, help her out. Change your e-mail address. Also change your phone number. It was hard for us to change ours. Very had, changed more than just business cards. Look at it as a price you paid for messing up so horribly.
Be nice to her and comfort her. Some of the things I wish my WH would do is when I am depressed. Instead of asking me what is wrong, if he just simply came up and hugged me and told me he was sorry and thank you for the gift of reconciliation it would go a long way. I am telling this to you to try and help you out. When she gets teary eyed over a song, hug her, tell her you are sorry and thank her for not giving up on you. It will help her in healing. You need to really step up to the plate to help her heal. You did this to both of you and only you can truly help her heal. Unless you want her to leave you and heal on her own. I mean you are either part of the healing process or not. If not they why would she stick around?
So, new e-mail address and now phone number will help. Also, disable your private or incognito web browser. Let he know exactly what you do on-line at all times.
Something my husband has said to me that has stuck with me is that I am his biggest trigger. I am the one that caused the pain he feels today.
When my husband found out what I did, the weeks after everything happened my husband kept tabs on me at all times. Checking emails, checking internet histories, cell phone records. You name it, he checked it. And you know at the time, it upset me but I totally understand why he did everything he did at the time.
It has been a rough year since d-day but things are looking up now.
You just need to be there for your wife and do everything you can for her.