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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why does a BS cause themselves more pain
hurtmywife27
♂ Member
Member # 38799
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why a BS would cause the self so much pain? The emotional hurt, distrust, the triggers can all be understood, feeling the remorse, listening to songs that are tearing her apart, ( gets to me to) did you ever notice they play just at the right moment! But she has my passwords all my cell phone records and still waiting for my blood test from doctor the lab screwed up and didnt. Get them their... I asked the doctor to talk to my wife and she understood. But she was in my e mail and text me.. What other sites have you been to looking for woman? What? I haven't been to any except Craigslist. She says in your mail you have date search, senior search, FB search for dating, Russian girls wanting husband, I replied are you in my Spam Mail . She was, tried to explain that I get hit with that everyday if you notice there is over 400 spams, I don't open them or read them. I delete them when I remember to do it, I wish there was an way to get rid of them but that's like saying get rid of telemarketers.. That would be a great world. I know it's going to be a long road for her and am comforting her In ever way, loving her and care for her. How do I explain spam mail?


WH (me) 59
BS (her) 45
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22................................. I Totally screwed up.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Toms River NJ
hurtmywife27
♂ Member
Member # 38799
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey how do I get rid of the stop sign? I don't want this closed.


WH (me) 59
BS (her) 45
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22................................. I Totally screwed up.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Toms River NJ
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before you hit submit you have to uncheck the Stop Sign under the text box to remove the Stop.
I'll remove it for you now.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 42812 | Registered: Sep 2006
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to explain spam mail. But you may want to consider getting a new email address. I use gmail and so does just about everyone I know and the spam is way less of an issue with yahoo, hotmail, etc. I know I'm not answering your question...but if you don't address the source of the spam, this is just gonna keep coming up, even if you can explain to her that the stuff is spam. She's not always going to believe it.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, hoping I don't swing the 2x4 too hard here.

I don't understand why a BS would cause the self so much pain? The emotional hurt, distrust, the triggers can all be understood, feeling the remorse, listening to songs that are tearing her apart, ( gets to me to) did you ever notice they play just at the right moment

Your BS is NOT causing herself pain, YOU caused this. She is processing her pain, big difference. My WH didn't (doesn't?) get that one either. We don't listen to painful songs because we want to wallow in grief, we listen to painful songs because someone else understands our pain that way. We check things restlessly (like your email) because we have been LIED to and deceived and the spouse we thought we had didn't exist. We look for signs it is still happening because we ignored them before Dday. We go over and over details and ask for more graphic details so we can make it all real. Believe me when I say this isn't done on purpose, it is how we make sense of and process this trauma that our best friend and lover inflicted on us.

Maybe try supporting her and actually seeing her pain and step back and you will see her, REALLY see her. You will see she HAS to do these things to accept the plate you have handed her.

It's great you are asking and I get why this is confusing for a WS, until this has been done to you, it doesn't make sense. Ask her why she does these things and be ready for some painful truths as you see the full Monty of pain and betrayal she is facing.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why a BS would cause the self so much pain?

Nearly everything we thought we knew and believed about our spouse and relationship has been brought into question. Our own self confidence and self image has been pulled out from under us. The person we trusted for support and comfort has knifed us, refuses to help as we are asking, and then complains that we are doing wrong when we try to save ourselves.

You should really ask this in General if you want answers.

ETA: It is not spam mail you need to explain. You need to explain, and prove through sustained actions, why it is safe to remain M to you and that you will not turn to an OW again in the future, and that you understand and are remorseful for your betrayal.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:12 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your BS is NOT causing herself pain, YOU caused this. She is processing her pain, big difference

This ^^^

We don't listen to painful songs because we want to wallow in grief, we listen to painful songs because someone else understands our pain that way

...And this ^^^

-Mate, it's pretty specialist to want to "cause" yourself pain. I doubt your Mrs wants to- in fact I'm almost certain she'll be trying to alleviate her pain as best she can.

Contact you Internet Service Provider (ISP) and see if the spam filter can be improved. Sometimes they'll offer a program to download- careful it doesn't white list though or everything not in your address book will automatically be seen as spam.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Alea iacta est...


Posts: 555 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change your e-mail address and close your other one down. Have your BS there with you when you do this so she KNOWS you're shutting the old one down completely. This would go a long way in letting her see that former AP's can't contact you via mail anymore.

Like others said, WE do not choose to cause ourselves pain. You did that when you chose to cheat and inflict this pain on us. Trust us, we do NOT enjoy the pain at all. It's like being stabbed int he heart over and over and over, and all we want to do is escape the pain.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why a BS would cause the self so much pain?
How do you think her pain started? Look in the mirror. You're the one holding the knife.

Have you listened to the radio lately? Do you know how hard it is to find a song that's not dripping with infidelity, whether from the perpetrator or the victim's angle?

As far as the email...
Can you understand why your wife would be flipping out? She can't trust you. She can't believe anything you say. So she is in research mode, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to see if you are lying, carrying the A underground, or TTing her.

She will question every single piece of mail you get. Whether it is legit or not. Because that single email could be the one that gives her another Dday. That is what she fears. So she asks you, hoping you prove her fears wrong.

You can significantly reduce spam by A. Changing your filter settings, or B. Get a new email address completely.

You are in the very, very early stages. Your words are going to mean nothing for a while. You will have to prove with your actions every minute of every day that you are truly done with the A/As. That you are changing. Consisted actions over the course of time. She will eventually take the spam for what it is. Spam. But for now, she's going to think it's her worst nightmare become reality. Again.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5465 | Registered: Nov 2011
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she is in research mode, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to see if you are lying, carrying the A underground, or TTing her.

Yes^^^^
It's what we BS do. We have to get a baseline in reality since we have none.
I also agree that you need to shut down your email and get a new one. Maybe a joint one for the two of you to use. Those spam ads will come forever and new ones will start up because of your registration with CL and various searches grabbing your info. It's just not worth her torture to keep that email.
Ed -typs- darn iPad.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 10:42 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We BSs keep checking/questioning because we don't feel safe anymore. It is up to you to make your BW feel safe again.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1095 | Registered: Dec 2012
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's called hyper vigilance. It's a very normal reaction to the trauma that you caused with your A. It will level off gradually IF you put 100% effort into fixing your issues, but it will take a long time. At two-plus years out, Mrs LRH us just getting to the pint where it's starting to settle down some.

She is not doing this to herself. You did it to her. Don't forget that. Your BS did not choose to exist in this state. You made the choice to put her here without her permission.

Posts like this, if your BS reads your posts here, can slow healing and make her feel like you don't get it. I hope that's not the case, so I'm telling you to be careful of that.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's called hyper vigilance. It's a very normal reaction to the trauma that you caused with your A. It will level off gradually IF you put 100% effort into fixing your issues, but it will take a long time.

This exactly.

She's trying to make sure she has the whole truth so she can understand the situation. Being completely blindsided will do that to a person. You no longer know which way is up. The thing you thought would never be true has now become true, so that means that anything else might be true, too.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
needhelp123
♂ Member
Member # 38109
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS here. Atsenaotie describes this well as I am living through it. My BS continually questions who I am and asks questions about my affair that have been answered. Get comfortable with that. It hurts but it's not about you. When you hear that IC is about you and that you should work on yourself, follow that advice because it's true. You should ask your BS how you can help but sometimes there is nothing you can do at a particular time. It's not about checking off boxes on things you've done and then you wonder why she's still confused and depressed. It goes much deeper than that. What would you do if the tables were turned? Probably nothing much different. Look at her and see the destruction. Then decide what you should be doing from your heart not your head. Huge difference.


Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2013
hurtmywife27
♂ Member
Member # 38799
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do realize the pain was caused by me. And it was me that made that fatal mistake, not only not thinking of her but her safety either. She is in pain and sometimes I dont know if I am hurting her more. She has all my passwords, user names and I am installing ago GPS locater in my car that can be downloaded to any computer or I pad (this was my choice) I will keep all my sales receipts for customers. Trying to make it easier for her not to worry were I am at all times. I changed her life and regret what happened, if she needs comfort, I'm here if she needs to go, or leave me permenantly it's here choice.. Thank you for the advise about changing e mail.


WH (me) 59
BS (her) 45
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22................................. I Totally screwed up.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Toms River NJ
Jeyana
♀ Member
Member # 38464
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign so..Bgf here. You mentioned that you are there if she needs you. My Wexfiance says stuff like that and it hurts me. He is passive. If I need something then I need to ask or speak up. God that hurts. It was only when he faced rejection by reaching out to me, again and again. By putting himself in the line of fire over and over, that I started to feel like it might mean something. And yes I did sometimes reject him, and sometimes I came unglued. But he did try again. That "here if you want me/need me" situation sucks for a BS. I wanted to know my Wexfiance was willing to do anything to make it right no matter how painfull, embarrassing, uncomfortable or scared he was. Right now it's hit and miss for us though.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: oregon
hurtmywife27
♂ Member
Member # 38799
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jeyana


WH (me) 59
BS (her) 45
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22................................. I Totally screwed up.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Toms River NJ
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you've been sufficiently 2x4'd in regards to your topic sentence here so I'll address the spam issue.

I do a lot of online selling and buying (usually buying from Craigslist and flipping on eBay), and I get those same e-mails. And I'm a woman, and I've never cheated on my husband or responded to a personals ad or anything. Basically half the listings on Craigslist are fishing for e-mail addresses that the poster can then pump spam into. There are companies (i.e. -- the sketchy dating sites that are emailing you) who literally pay people $1 for each new e-mail address they sell them to send spam to. ANYWAY... the only solution to this particular problem is to get an entirely new e-mail address and never use it to sign up for any website or respond to any ad anywhere on the internet -- not to buy something, not to adopt a pet, not to join a website, not even to apply for a job.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
wolf_heart
♀ Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.

One of the things my WH did to help me was change his phone number and e-mail address. Took him a year, but he finally did it and wished he had sooner for me.

You do not know what a relief it is to me that she does not have that way to contact him. She could have broken nc and honestly I was constantly checking his phone and e-mail to see if she had. Like several times a day. I was obsessed. Now, I can relax a little and only check them once a week or so.

We use gmail and the spam is not as bad.

The deal is you screwed up big time. You destroyed the trust she had in you. You destroyed her security in your relationship and she is coping the best she can. Cut her some slack. She is going to see shadows where there are none. It is to be expected the first year at the very least. You created this situation you throw her in with no warning, so don't complain when she reacts the way she does. YOU did this to her. So, help her out. Change your e-mail address. Also change your phone number. It was hard for us to change ours. Very had, changed more than just business cards. Look at it as a price you paid for messing up so horribly.

Be nice to her and comfort her. Some of the things I wish my WH would do is when I am depressed. Instead of asking me what is wrong, if he just simply came up and hugged me and told me he was sorry and thank you for the gift of reconciliation it would go a long way. I am telling this to you to try and help you out. When she gets teary eyed over a song, hug her, tell her you are sorry and thank her for not giving up on you. It will help her in healing. You need to really step up to the plate to help her heal. You did this to both of you and only you can truly help her heal. Unless you want her to leave you and heal on her own. I mean you are either part of the healing process or not. If not they why would she stick around?

So, new e-mail address and now phone number will help. Also, disable your private or incognito web browser. Let he know exactly what you do on-line at all times.

Good luck


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
FR2012
♀ Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your BS doesn't cause them self pain, you do.

Something my husband has said to me that has stuck with me is that I am his biggest trigger. I am the one that caused the pain he feels today.

When my husband found out what I did, the weeks after everything happened my husband kept tabs on me at all times. Checking emails, checking internet histories, cell phone records. You name it, he checked it. And you know at the time, it upset me but I totally understand why he did everything he did at the time.

It has been a rough year since d-day but things are looking up now.

You just need to be there for your wife and do everything you can for her.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 29
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