I have is talking about stuff that I know is stuff that is devastating to her
I totally understand, when we make the choices we do (cheat) we have to stop being the one to decide what is or is not good for our spouse or so. When I look at why I did that it wasn't out of concern for my wife, it had more to do with my fear.
the ability to continue talking to her when she starts yelling.
This feeds into your first problem, fear. And it doesn't make you curl into fetal position, you choose to. You have to take the bull by the horns and move ie ask her for a set of requirements for R, have you provided her a timeline, what are you reading to educate yourself, are you going to IC?
When our BS's see us active and moving forward they will have less questions to ask because you are answering them with your actions.