I know. I am living with one just like him. I am also almost a year from DDay#2. He is sweet, transparent, loving, etc.. But he won't go to counceling anymore and he won't discuss the A at all. He is rug sweeping and it is getting old. I cannot file for D at this time due to health issues, but eventually I will because I don't want to live with this pain forever.
I would bring this up at the next MC session. The fact that he tells them he will do things and doesn't is a major issue in R and if he is willing to man up then you might still have a chance. (((HUGS)))
I kept on having DDays until finally, just like they say here, it stopped when I said stop. I had to pull the proverbial plug on the corpse that our marriage had turned into. When I finally accepted that I deserved better, my children deserved better, I was willing to file for divorce & bury the marital body. I didn't kill it, but I sure did bury it.
I feel fairly confident that he wouldn't have cheated again. He really wanted to R, as long as it was on his terms (I told him I would R if we signed a favorable -- but not punitive -- post-nup as I'd be taking a huge risk financially to quit my job and move with him to where his job was -- long story. He declined, saying I should just trust him )
But, during the time that I was doing the 180 and then living on my own, I realized how I'd been walking on eggshells for years. Ultimately, it wasn't the A, but the fact that it opened my eyes and made me realize I deserved so much better.
What bothers me most about your post is that it's not even a year past D-Day, and he's already not following through. (Which, actually, doesn't sound like the model father and husband you said he was in the beginning of your post.) It scares me because it seems to be more the rule than the exception that false R happens -- the BS finally starts to heal and feel good, when, years or decades later, there is yet another affair. It makes me so sad to think that the BS could have gotten out earlier, healed, and had extra years or decades of happiness. It would be one thing if he truly were doing everything, but it sounds like he's not. It seems like he's playacting at remorse, which means the likelihood of re-occurrence is great as there's no lasting, sustainable, internal change taking place.
Obviously, it's your choice, and I think my choice was made much easier because we didn't have kids to think about. It's just a terrible situation all around, and there's no clear, good answer. There's no way to unring the bell, so you have to try to make the best of a terrible situation. I hope you are able to find your best path to future happiness.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
You want to feel safe. You have asked things of him to help you feel safer. He has shown an unwillingness to do those things. Therefore you do not feel safe. Hence the limbo.
If you don't stand by your boundaries and you start accepting things thy are not acceptable to you then you are walking the same path as DD and heading for a DD2.
It is a form of Rugsweeping - I did it to myself too. I thought if I just ignored it and trusted that he would be 'good' ie: not fuck anyone else then we could forget about it all. Truth is that was never going to happen. Whilst he was still exhibiting non-remorseful behaviour I was still living with a cheater, he was just a Dry Drunk at that stage.
His betrayals were dealbreakers for me. I knew it on DD but raged against it all throughout False R and beyond. It was only a few months after Final S that I was able to admit to myself that it was a dealbreaker. Full stop.
The most important step to R is 'remorse'. He is not there and is disrespecting you by discounting your pain. As long as he feels you will take what he dishes out, he will keep it up. He has no reason to change.
You deserve better. Do not live your life for everyone else. YOU matter. YOU deserve better.
We have a wedding this weekend and have to spend the night in a hotel, and I am not looking forward to it.
But in my honest opinion, this statement and the fact that you don't even like going on vacation with him, says a lot!
It sounds like, emotionally, you are no longer there. You are trying to make it work for the kids sake.
I know it's hard to decide what is right for you and for your family. Do you trust him, do you love him? Do you want to live the rest of your life being the infidelity police?
I was in limbo and separated, as he kept coming back with "I miss you" and "I want to make it work" blah blah - except his actions never matched his words.
So I had to ultimately decide to move on emotionally, for MYSELF.
We're not teaching anything to the kids by staying with someone that you are no longer in love with, respect, or trust.
Maybe going on that vacation, or that wedding will give you the answers you need. Go with an open heart and see what happens.
Hang it there, you will know what is the right decision for you, you just will!
"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~
I am nervous about saying something about how I don't think its working and regretting my words.
The analogy I like to use is that waywards need to be shown the door. Then, they can do everything in their power to get back in, groveling and going to counseling and being transparent and begging and pleading for another chance, or they can walk away (or they can be an abusive manipulating asshole as they walk away). I think this leads to a healthy relationship where they start respecting you and owning up to their mistakes and truly begin to reconcile. Or it leads to a healthy detachment since they are away from you now.
Your statement above sounds like you are scared to show him the door. Maybe you are scared that he's going to walk away if you start really expressing how you feel, but then you have your answer already and you don't want to face it.
You have to start standing up for yourself and demanding what you need to heal. The consequence for him not doing EVERYTHING you need him to do to heal this marriage is that you leave him. You can't hold onto him and keep him back from the door, allowing him to continue to disrespect you and leave you in limbo.. That is NOT going to lead to a healthy relationship. He needs to be all in working on this or get the hell out..
I could be wrong, but I'm just getting the feeling that you are scared to stand up for yourself as you might lose him, and that tells me that the relationship is already over and just needs to be buried.. Marriage and reconciliation are all about communication, and this isn't going to work if you are too scared to express yourself..
I very much recommend standing up for yourself and showing him the door right now. Let him know that you deserve better than this, and you will move on if he doesn't start showing it. His actions have to have consequences.. I've seen so many times on here from reconciled couples that things didn't get better until the BS did this. I think it's the best way out of limbo. It forces him to make a decision..
It sounds like you really want your marriage to work out. I did too.. But there is no secret way for a BS to turn an unremorseful WS into a remorseful one. There just isn't a way to do this.. You can only put up your rules and boundaries and give him the consequences if he doesn't follow through..
Hugs.. I'm sorry he is treating you this way.. A remorseful spouse wouldn't be getting impatient with you or making you feel bad for needing transparency to heal, or giving you all those red flags. Please trust your gut. You deserve better..
I think I always knew deep down that even if I did forgive him for the betrayal I would never be able to forget it. Even if we did go on to have a lifetime together I would always think of this.
I would never be the last person he had sex with for the first time.
I would never forgive him for marring our relationship like this.
The thing I had the most difficulty with was forgiving myself for staying. It got harder and as False R moved along. I rugswept as hard as he did. I put my head in the sand. I tried to ignore my gut. All to no avail.
Truth is it didn't matter if he never did it again - he already did it. You cannot unring that bell and you cannot unfuck that girl.
I applaud those who are in True R. I don't envy the work they have to do to stay together on top of the work they have to do within themselves. I know I could not have healed whilst trying to heal my M at the same time.
The fact that he wasn't doing what was required for R and the fact that he wasn't truly remorseful didn't change my decision - just as it would not have been changed had he done and been those things.
It did make my decision easier and it brought it all to a head far sooner than it might have been. I believe it would have taken me a few years to build the strength to walk away.
I saw a quote recently that said "the harder you work the harder it is to surrender".
I had fought so long and hard for that M. I gave up so much of myself, I had betrayed myself for so long and I had tolerated so much for so long that it was very very difficult to walk away from that 'investment'.
To admit to myself that I was wrong about him, about our M and about me was agonising as it was difficult.
I cannot tell you how long I spent curled up on the floor crying a river of tears once I did admit these things. Once that part was over I felt a freedom I had not felt in years. It was as if I had unlocked the shackles I had used to tie myself to him.
I am now 8 months out from that time and I cannot tell you how amazing it is to be free of it. I still have to parallel parent with the lower muppet but even that is made all the more easier by having no loving feelings towards him. I'm no longer tortured by the what ifs or whys.
You know yourself and your situation better than anyone. I urge you to have a good, hard look inside yourself and ask yourself some hard questions. I know what my answers were.
Also, it sounds like you are detaching from him (not wanting to go on vacation with him, hold his hand, etc.) and that is good.
You're almost there, hon - it's happening already - you just need to process through it.