I didn't grieve properly, I'm not a counsellor but I can see that
This is good that you can see that,
So why is your mother afraid that you will break down? Is that a negative thing?
Even my Mum says it could be a can of worms
You don't think this has something to do with everything? You're being taught to not deal with things and now you've internalized it.
My FWH too didn't want to deal with the past- how could it help? But with time he realized how much his parents and their parenting style- or lack thereof- has effected his coping and communication skills. He was taught to keep it all in cause no one cared, then he would act out in a big way, as if you say FUCK YOU PAY ATTENTION, and he would get attention and they would "deal with" him. He did the same thing in our marriage, never talked about anything, internalized everything, then had an A to "blow up" the situation. I'm not saying that is 100% the reason for the A, but it played a BIG role. Now we talk about things. It's helped.
Look, you can't build a house on a shaky foundation. It will collapse every time. So you have to go back and repair the foundation or it will never work.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
[This message edited by veritas at 1:11 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
Just throwing in my two cents as you said something that caught my eye. You say you don't want to drudge up the past and nothing happened.. Well I can relate to your comment there. I have been in IC since July and only recently started digging into my past because I felt it was irrelevant to now. Well it's not girly.
I thought hey I was brought up well. Both parents married for over 30 years, 1 brother.. We vacationed a lot, I was a competitive figure skater, played piano, got decent grades and had mostly anything that I could want in life. In reality there are some hidden demons that I'm facing now. I was emotionally and physically abused though out my childhood although I never felt like I had been because I never got the belt or whipped. Gee that was my idea of abuse because my mom would tell me that i deserved this and was lucky that i didnt get more. so I grew up but never gave myself any credit for the abuse that I did receive. My point is that you need to look at your past because there are many thought processes that you learn and don't know any different. It is hard work to work through your emotions and thoughts but its worth it. The first step is giving yourself permission to dig into the past and allowing uourself to analyze your memories and talking with your IC about it
Give it a chance. Don't let anyone have a say on how to heal
The first step is giving yourself permission to dig into the past
Don't let anyone have a say on how to heal
^^this. gently here...First your H didn't want you to go to IC, and now your Mother doesn't want you to open a can of worms. None of us know the details, but you have to decide to work on You, for You. Get the help you need because it will make you a better, healthier person and mother.
[This message edited by badchoice at 3:46 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
Separated transitioning to D
In an argument yes I might zone out but that's because I'm not confrontational.
They always turn into rhetorical questions anyway.
If a conversation gets tricky I know I drift away and nod along because I don't want the hassle of conflict or I freeze because I can't think what to say or get nervous of the answer.
This is what puts me off in the first place, I'd rather she looked at what's happening now.
I just saw a couple of upsetting things. I was fine, i swallowed it and I don't mind glossing over but counsellors don't realise that I have nothing more to say on it. People make too much of a big deal about it.
I went through a couple of very upsetting events and I decided to be strong, possibly a bit too strong admittedly. I didn't grieve properly, I'm not a counsellor but I can see that.
You have built yourself quite a fortress of avoidance
There is never any strength gained from avoidance and if a broken child is never healed..that broken child still lives in a full grown adult.
The strength comes from fixing the broken child.
[This message edited by floridaredman at 4:55 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
My Mum just recognises that I have a lot of reponsibilities and she always says she thinks I'm walking a tight rope. She worries that if they force grief out of me I might not cope well when my family life is already strained. I have the same worry, it's not just her.
I feel like it's important to keep the curtains drawn on some things and I know it doesn't sound healthy but I know the feelings attached to those memories so surely I can work with them from afar, if that makes sense. I can't articulate how hard it was for me to keep everything together at the time and I honestly doubt I'd cope again with everything else going on.
Thank you for all your opinions and advice, it is very helpful to me.
Nothing happened to me in my childhood. I had a happy childhood, then when I was a teenager my grandfather died and my grandmother felt she couldn't live without him and I found her. I had to be strong because my Mum had lost her Mum, she was going through a divorce with my Dad and my sisters and brother were heartbroken. Then in 2010 my brother went the same way as my Gran. My sister and I found him too. I was 8 months pregnant and already had a little one, if I had fallen apart it would have done more harm than good, my little sister and my Mum and Dad were all so distraught. It was a horrible time, both times were filled with sadness, hurt, feeling like I could have done something all just normal feelings so dwelling on them does no good, it just causes upset. I know I didn't handle it well but it was the right thing at the time and it isn't the right time now.
[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:28 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
I need to move on in my life and work out the whys without digging all that up. I've messed up and hurt the man I love. That's what I want to focus on.
[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:26 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
Think about it this way, you want to work on the attic of the house, when there is still some issues with the foundation.
If I was to dig it up and get upset there's no guarantee I'd feel better but I'd definitely affect my children, my parents, my sisters and my husband and that's not something I'm going to do, I can't.
I guess what I am missing is how will this affect your family?
Do you think it will have that negative effect in the long run? I think what I am seeing, and can relate to, is that you feel very responsibly now, as you did then, to keep it together for everyone else. It sounds like you do not feel that it is ok for you to experience your real emotions. That if you are not strong, it will somehow negatively affect everyone else.
I think what we are all saying hear is that it is healthy for you, or anyone for that matter, to experience pain and loss. Trying to protect others at your expense, is not a healthy way to deal with it.
Does this make sense.
Please, continue with IC. I'm very glad BH is supportive.
Strength and prayers.
5454real, thank you I'm honestly fine. I will stick at IC and I am definitely lucky to have my husband.
What if I got really upset or breakdown and become devastated myself?
Yes, this is a legitimate fear. It is important that you have a support network in place when you face things like this, and you have to be in an emotionally stable place as well.
Believe me, I understand your concern and fear. I have put off a search for my bio-dad until I am in a stronger emotional state on the suggestion of my IC.
I am happy to see you sticking with IC, and happy that your H is there for you!
I wish you all the best, I really do.
Good luck to you too!
I resisted but when I finally caved, here was why; It wasn't going to kill me, and maybe it could help.
I figured I might feel stupid or uncomfortable for a moment, but what if my therapist was right and there was some benefit to be gained? So, if I felt silly for a bit and she was right-i could gain some insight or peace. If she was wrong, I flew a kite and felt a little silly and would have moved on to the next thing. It simply wasn't going to kill me. And you know what Sienna? It didn't hurt at all and helped in ways I never could have imagined, precisely because it was so silly.
The other thing I kept pondering early in therapy when the exercises and assignments were so difficult for me to face was that I wound up in therapy (in part at least) because I felt so lost. And if I was that lost why the hell not try things that felt strange to me? Wouldn't changing (even in positive ways) involve CHANGE and therefore discomfort? So, that's how I tried to view it anyway. I had been doing what I knew to do. I had done what was comfortable and what I believed would work. And it got me a horrible marriage, a job I felt stuck in, and a family that all turned their backs on me at once. Why shouldn't we try new things and thought processes when we see that our old ways aren't working? Is it scary and uncomfortable to change these things? To even really examine these aspects of ourselves? Hell yes! But in a lot of ways, that's what therapy is all about. When its worth a darn anyway.
This lady has asked that you acquaint yourself with a topic and explore it in depth. And you wonder if its rubbish and talk like you're done with therapy? She's asking that you devote a couple hours of your life to exploring trauma, if it doesn't apply to you-fine. You two will figure that out quickly enough and move on to the next thing. If it does, well, I guess you and your therapist will go from there.
Incidently though, since I assume you are looking for input? I don't think you've been saddled with an inept therapist who's wasting your time. I think you've found yourself something even more bone chillingly terrifying-a perceptive and clever therapist who's willing to challenge you on tough topics.
Really, seriously, please consider her homework and your response to it. She's asking that you look in to something, she's not reccomending surgery, months of utter solitude, some sort of self punishment or even medication, she asked you to read a couple things and speak further with her about the topic once you had. Did that kill you? Will it? Could it possibly, even if you only relate to a tiny bit and learn only a couple things in that exploration-possibly maybe help you? And if that's the case-with all the responsibilities you do have and all the little ones depending on you-why wouldn't you want to at least try if it can improve everything about your existence and even who you are and how you walk around feeling inside?
Sigh. I get so sad when I see people recoiling in the early stages of therapy and acting like they'll quit. That's probably what the majority of my posts here are actually, encouraging frightened people to please seek or continue therapy. Please consider this Sienna, this woman would be remiss in her duties (by my standards anyway) if she HADN'T broached the subject of trauma with the type of history you have. If you just really feel like you have that locked away (you probably don't) and refuse to deal with it and she won't move on for 3 more sessions-ok-reconsider. But, just for curiousity's sake-can't you give her thoughts due consideration even if you ultimately disagree? I totally understand the urge to let things be, let them stand, stay on the old familiar paths. They brought you here though Sienna. They brought us all here.
I've read a lot of your posts, there is something about you and the way you talk about yourself and apologize for existing that reminds me a lot of myself, and I so hope you can gain something from what I've written. And please please please continue with your therapy. The fact that this person was perceptive enough to assign reading that made you this uncomfortable this early on- just may be a clear sign that her methods will be effective for you. I got to where I was dissapointed if I wasn't at least a little squirmy about something each session, to me it indicated that I wasn't working hard enough-and then my therapist had to comfort me about that!
Please give this lady a chance Sienna. Please give yourself a chance to settle in to therapy and what that process is like. It isn't comfortable and it isn't supposed to be. Change isn't easy but you are so worth it.
And, even if you didn't love your reading assignment-at least you didn't have to fly a kite! (Yet-idk where your therapy will take you though)
Eta: I see that as I was composing this tretise you made your intention to continue therapy clear-i am thrilled to see that!
I really do wish you the best and see so much that is familiar to me in your posts. I hope you decide to place a little faith in this person. I understand how terrifying vulnerability can be, but you seem to be at such a turning point and I really do hope you're able to find guidance of value for yourself. Also? All the fears about falling apart if you face the demons of the past? The thing is Sienna, those things are never tucked away as quietly as we think. Some things are just too powerful and no matter how tight we close our eyes-how deep we stick our fingers in our ears and say 'naner-naner-naner naaanaaa'-it bubbles up. Not in forms all that identifiable sometimes, but it all bubbles up. Those dark shapes and looming sadnesses have a lot of power for something we never discuss. If you DECIDE to mourn-it could definately mean a lot of crying and devastation. It could mean you stay in bed for a week screaming into a pillow. I suppose it could mean checking into a facility for a short time to rest and recover in super extreme cases (although that would be rare probably and unlikely in your case I would guess). If you continue deciding NOT to mourn-well, I guess you know what that means. Does giving a name to those dark shapes and drawing them out to where they're visible truly have no clensing appeal to you? Even knowing that if you did it those horrid vacancies could change into recognizable faces and happy memories?
when I began therapy a facility was my deepest fear. In retrospect? It would have been fantastic for me and could have given my healing a serious kick start. As deeply pleased as I was to 'escape' that at the time-sometimes people just need a rest in a safe place, and now I actually regret not just checking myself in for a semi-planed colapse. I wish you the best Sienna, I feel that facing down the scary stuff I thought I'd put away was the best thing I ever did for myself. And well, I described what my life was like at the time I did earlier in this post. Miserably inconvenient-but so so precious to me.
[This message edited by thisissogross at 8:43 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
i edit frequently because i have to
Yes, I'll continue IC. I can actually open my mouth to her so I'd be a fool not to. I'm going to tell her my worries, see what she says.
I know it sounds weird but I just don't want my life to involve talking about death. I'll discuss that with he counsellor too.
Thank you again, I know it's sound advice. Oh and I wouldn't mind flying a kite, I made one with the kids last week ironically!