[This message edited by Strawda at 10:28 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]
No longer together
"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."
And the last dday, when I discovered multiple broken NC from my H to OW, he sat with his head in his hands, asking our MC that question. He said, "What is wrong with me? I don't want to lie. I don't want to hurt HF, but it's all I do."
Our MC was not easy on JM at all. He replied that there was nothing wrong with him except that he was acting like a selfish jerk and doing selfish, cruel things. He said, "You want to stop hurting HF? The way to stop hurting her is to STOP. HURTING. HER. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain. You want to stop lying? TELL.THE.TRUTH."
It's not rocket science. The only way to stop this is to stop. You have to retrain your thought processes. My aa sponsor taught me something a long time ago: "Brain broke. First thought wrong." I had to accept that my 2nd and 3rd thoughts are not usually much better than my first one. Whatever your first reaction to something is, let it go. Stop. Think about what you are doing. DO NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS IMMEDIATELY. Take time to allow your immediate response to die down, and then choose to tell the truth. Even if it hurts her. Even if it hurts you. Tell the truth.
Because I guarantee, a difficult, painful truth is a million times better than the most comfortable lie.
I think the reason you lie is because you want to control your BS's reality and therefore what she thinks about you and your chances for reconciliation. But a far more important question is: why is lying your go to mechanism when confronted with a difficult situation? Why is it easier and more comfortable to lie than tell the truth?
Finding the answer to that question will take a lot of self reflection, probably with the help of a therapist who knows how to ask the right questions. But. There is something you can do to aid the process starting today, right this moment. You can stop lying. It is a simple idea but it is difficult to do because you have to override what is, at this point, a mechanism that is wired into your brain circuitry.
For most of my life I have been what I would call a "spinner". Someone who would spin the truth so that people would perceive me in the best possible light. White lies, people would call them. I was late because of traffic (I didn't budget my time properly). I got this flavor because I know you like it (because it's what I wanted). They seemed harmless to me and telling these little lies felt completely natural. But they weren't harmless to me. Lying is a brain mechanism. It changed my brain. You've seen in your own life the horrible damage the lying mechanism leads to. I did too. I knew I had to stop lying to save not only my relationship with my BS but also to save myself from going through a life of further self destruction. To stop lying, I had to change my brain.
The automatic lying mechanism got built up one lie at a time. Changing it is done at the same level. One truth at a time. That means every time I realized I had lied, I had to correct it. Not just acknowledge to myself that I was lying or had lied but actually tell the person I lied to and correct it to them. Sometimes it felt ridiculous, admitting to the tiny lie I had just told. Like traffic and being late. Over time, though, I began to catch them before they came out of my mouth. It felt like just going over a speed bump. After about two and a half years of practice, I have finally gotten to the point that telling the truth is usually my first response. The old "lie first" mechanism still activates sometimes but I'm aware of it, I notice it and I usually autocorrect before it even gets out.
A bonus to this all this truth telling is that eventually I really began to be able to recognize my own lies, even ones I was telling myself in the past, including the lies I told myself to make me think it was okay to betray my husband and my own values. That's where the therapist can be helpful. But the truth telling, the brain rewiring, only you can make that happen. I'm not saying it'll be comfortable. But really, what do you have to lose at this point?
Digging our way through.