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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Always on the hurting end
Abby
♀ Member
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear you are doing better, SSM!

I'm going through an NC period with an ex-bf. I messed up today and contacted. We even made plans for next week. I know this isn't a good idea though. I know I'll have to back out and start all over again. Argh!

WTG, for saying NO!


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. very very little contact yesterday. I sent one text, got one from him. I'm not bothered or upset at all, and that's the important part - just keeping ME fine.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang onto this. I suspect his next tactic (read: manipulation) will be silence.

Can you hold onto yourself and stay NC, stay ambivalent?

Sending you strength and mojo.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He definitely has used the silence before... and when I am silent for too long, he will turn it back "on". I expect that to happen when the weekend begins.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IME, knowing the pattern and being able to recognize that it's just that - a pattern (and manipulative) really helps.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right - but unfortunately in this situation the silence is a "dom" typical thing - ignoring is punishment. I am well aware of it, hate it, and it works... (usually, which is why he does it).

The silence from him is usually when I'm running off at the mouth, though... not when I am silent.

Also - don't forget earlier in this thread we established that I'm drawn to the push/pull...

BUT - I feel flat. That is what helps. No emotions.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading the story, and DH was a Dom for many years. We have never heavily gotten into it, but from what I have learned and experienced, he's not being a very good Dom at all.

Personally, I think his abuse of power over you has crossed the boundaries into emotional abuse and as a dom his role is to protect the situation from getting out of hand and to control the boundaries. The sub is supposed to trust that the dom knows what he is doing and to trust that they will not be hurt in the process.

Your guy is failing at this, and if this lifestyle has peeked your interest, and you enjoy this...I am here to tell you that there are many other dom's out there that would not be playing this petty game. He's using you alright, but for his own gain - and that is not want that lifestyle is all about.

eta: spelling errors

[This message edited by Undefinabl3 at 10:31 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Sep 2012
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether or not you're drawn to it, you have an option of how you respond.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:35 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Und: yeah, I know that. That is why I can't just accept the situation. I know it's wrong, and wrong for me, not how it's sup to be, and not what I want - or how we even agreed it would be.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thought I was beyond him getting me to tears. I was wrong. Two minutes though, and I'll chalk it up to PMS. Strict NC from here on out. Prob gonna be a difficult weekend, because I have no concrete plans, BUT... good weather and I have my Bunt this weekend. Luckily, I've been feeling really good overall, so I'm hoping this won't be too much of a setback.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strict NC from here on out.

I wanna 2x4 you, but I can't. I know its hard to quit a person, and to have that kind of a relationship is even harder (imo)

You really really do need to block his contact from you. As much as it hurts, its really for the best.

He is not the only fish in the sea, and really there are plenty of good ones out there. Dont let him be the litmus test for you.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Sep 2012
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to have that kind of a relationship is even harder

Thanks for understanding this... and I know I should.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry sweetie. I know it's hard.

One thing that helped me was when I realized that someone was very deliberately pushing my buttons. And then realized that I was setting boundaries and letting him cross them left and right.

Which ultimately becomes a self-betrayal.

It sounds like you have some impulse control issues as well--which I also sympathize with. I actually got tested for ADHD and by medical standards I meet those qualifications. So thinking about your impulses and difficulty managing them can also put it in some perspective.

That all said, what got me out was the dude showing up on my front porch when my kids were home. Scared the shit out of me and made it easy to totally disengage.

Also, EMDR on some of this issues relating to it helped a lot.

Sending you much love. I know it's hard. You CAN do it. It's normal for it to take some time. You will get to a point where you have no choice.


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Today is just a very slight setback. Luckily nowhere near where I was. I guess it's just somewhat of a lonely feeling.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Abby
♀ Member
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there SSM!

I had a big set-back today canceling the plans my ex-bf had for next week. Sometimes I think I must like to tortured myself.

It really hurts but when I think about WHO he REALLY is (liar, cheater, opportunistic, etc), I realize I am so much better without him.

I understand those lonely feelings - I am dealing with that too, right now. Maybe he was just a really bad habit though, and it's better to be alone.

Thinking about you, SSM!


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read studies about intermittent rewards? People get addicted to that process much, much more than if you get the reward every time.

You are essentially a gambling addict. You know the house is stacked against you, but you blind yourself into believing that the next roll, the next pull, will be the jackpot. And when you do get something small back, after 18 tries, you tell yourself that it will stay that way, that because you won once in 18 tries, you will win the next one.

The only way to get over this is to suffer through the withdrawal. There are no shortcuts.

But you don't want to. You love this. You feel alive. Waiting for the next text makes you feel alive. Suffering to wait 24 hours until you respond - and you know you will respond - makes you feel alive. The adrenaline when you do respond makes you feel alive.

You love every aspect of this. That is why you stay.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6092 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blocked after nasty message this morning. Shed tears for one minute, now he gets not one more second of my precious energy. I said fuck you asshole, and done. Blocked.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job.

Even as a sub, there's a difference between your Dom respecting you or not - you deserve someone who respects you.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blocked after nasty message this morning.

You can block a man BEFORE things get nasty. You deserve better!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
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