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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Always on the hurting end
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are a few specific needs, outside of me being a mom, friend, and HR manager... and he did the work to make sure that I became dependent on him for them. Of course... it's what they do. He got what he wanted. I am. Very much so.

To me; it's serious, and I'm invested. We fit our roles well, and it worked on me... not sure how else to word that.

To him, it's natural and great... it is who he is - I'm sure of that... but it isn't something he's overly serious about... it fills a need in him too - but on a different level than me. That's where the problem lies.

ETA: also, that he's selfish. He gets his needs met... but in return mine aren't of any importance. That's the part that doesn't work for me. Not really the push/pull... as Ama just said and me too - I think I need that part.

[This message edited by stupidstupidme at 3:59 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but it isn't something he's overly serious about

I see it differently. I see the ego stroke he gets out of this situation (both the "winning" of the game and the fact that no matter how badly it hurts you, you keep coming back for more) is vital to him. I think he needs that nearly as much as he needs oxygen and food.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whoa... ok... let me digest that a minute, because all this time I've thought differently.

When we first met, he was the one that pursued this with me - heavily. He said he recognized how rare it was to find, I knew he finds me very physically attractive, and I don't want a conventional relationship from him. (don't wanna meet his friends or family, don't need him to spend money on me, etc...)

He was WAY more enthusiastic than I was... his age, and honestly... I wasn't physically attracted to him at all at first.

Anyway, of course that all changed... he definitely groomed me to be right where he wants me - and he has that. Yesterday, that text said "you're going nowhere. I own you"

He's right. He does. I WANT him to. Yes, I like giving the power away - this is the only part of my life that I can... and I love it. I've never experienced anything like this, and damn... I need it. He knows this. He knows that I am dependent on him for the attention, praise... all of my needs in this area of my life.

He has exactly what he wants... and honestly - to keep it - the effort he'd have to make is so small - just some tweaks to make this work for me... yet he won't do it. That baffles me... and yes - kills my self esteem - why in the world would he give up this great thing he has, when all he has to do is make a the little effort I ask...

And it really is small - reply to my texts. Comment when I sent you a pic that you've asked me for. Say something NICE. When you ask me to write you something specific and I do - don't say "you can do better" then disappear for days without any contact.

All that... above - I think is what works for him... and it doesn't matter to him that it doesn't work for me. Maybe I'm NOT cut out for this, or the way he views it anyway. In my eyes, I'm still supposed to feel important and valued... and I don't. I need to.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SG: I keep re-reading your last post. Maybe that's why he will say "Fine I'm not fucking with you anymore - you want blocked - you got it"

But then a minute later, he'll come back and go into some long explanation, and put me in my place, and never do it. He will definitely let me hurt, and get upset, and walk... but never too far.

BUT... every time this cycles - it gets worse. Meaning, the communication gets thinned out more each time - so it FEELS to me like he's losing interest. The more I try to push for the way it was in the beginning, the less I get.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has exactly what he wants... and honestly - to keep it - the effort he'd have to make is so small - just some tweaks to make this work for me... yet he won't do it. That baffles me... and yes - kills my self esteem - why in the world would he give up this great thing he has, when all he has to do is make a the little effort I ask...

SSM, you answered this already, you just don't realize it. He doesn't HAVE to change. Because you said it yourself - he "owns" you.

In all likelihood, he's right. You're not going anywhere. You'll put up a token struggle. You'll fight against doing it his way, playing by his rules, for a while. And eventually you'll stop fighting it.

You've said. He's groomed you. He's still grooming you.

And eventually you're going to get so used to this that you'll start to think that the pain you're feeling was your idea and that you want it this way.

And it really is small - reply to my texts. Comment when I sent you a pic that you've asked me for. Say something NICE. When you ask me to write you something specific and I do - don't say "you can do better" then disappear for days without any contact.

In a typical relationship it is a small thing. In this relationship, in this type of relationship, that would be a huge thing.

The problem here, SSM, is that he knows how to play this game. He's a pro. You're not even a minor league player, you're still playing little league. He knows what he's doing and for what y'all are doing ... he's playing his game exactly right.

The problem is that you're still thinking you can blend this with a typical relationship ... like some sort of relationship buffet. A little pain, a little pleasure, a little control, and a side dish of normal sauce. It doesn't work like that. He knows it, and that's why he isn't giving you what you want. If he gives you want you want he looses the control, the upper hand ... it counters all of the hard work he's put in to making you feel that he owns you and that you want him to.

All that... above - I think is what works for him... and it doesn't matter to him that it doesn't work for me.

I'd be willing to guess that it does matter to him, in so far as your doubts and your insecurities in this make you a less-than-ideal playmate. At this point he's probably still engaging because he realizes you're new to this and he's still grooming you.

If you continue in the vein of this not working for you, eventually he'll cut you loose and find someone better suited.

The more I try to push for the way it was in the beginning, the less I get.

This! This is what I am talking about. You're pushing for something. Your protest has gone beyond the token that is acceptable to him. The more you push the more he is going to lose interest because you're not responding the way you're supposed to.

Maybe I'm NOT cut out for this, or the way he views it anyway. In my eyes, I'm still supposed to feel important and valued... and I don't. I need to.

Look, I'm not advocating this relationship style (in fact it is absolutely not for me and the idea of anyone "owning" me makes me shudder) but here's the thing. You probably are important and valued. But you're expecting him to show it like a typical guy in a typical relationship would.

You're NOT in a typical relationship with a typical guy.

Don't kid yourself. He is getting very deep seeded needs met here, too. If he wasn't, he wouldn't do it.

But you keep expecting his actions to be what you expect, based on your experience with a wholly different type of guy.

I still get the sense from you that you're trying to be something you're not. I don't get the vibe from what you write that you're really 100% sold on this. I get that you want to be, but you're not.

Why force something that isn't right?

I mean I get the sexual kicks part ... But there are ways to fill those needs without consistently being emotionally damaged by someone you care about.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 4:45 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I agree with everything you said. It is all so confusing, and sometimes I think I can totally handle it, then I can't. I wonder if I am just too sensitive, or if I am doing something wrong.

I think you are exactly right in that I am trying to blend a mix together... I don't even really know what I want at this point, but I feel much better after working through some of it. At least for now... hahaha


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM, I see a lot of drama in your posts and your life, even in your past life.

I can understand that, because you definately get something from that drama. It's quite exciting when there is pursuit.

But it also has a very steep downside that can be very painful.

Don't participate in this drama. Just walk away from it - it's mucht healthier, IMHO to realize that you deserve better than playing the part that someone else is trying to get you to play.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7417 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

haha oh my, and here I thought my life was becoming so peaceful and drama free lately!

I get what you're saying, but honestly I only really post here when it is something big - or dramatic. Mostly my life is pretty damn boring these days, some of what's gotten me down... I really have nuthin going on... but this... and *this* is bothering me, yes... but it's only a small part of the big picture of my life. Some days I spend too much brain time on it, but not usually.

I'm feeling a little more grounded today, and I really want to thank SG - SO VERY MUCH for taking the time to talk me through some of my confusion. Also, to everyone else that has been trying to help.

I haven't heard from him, and I am keeping busy and trying to focus on other things. I had a great night with my Bunt last night, and slept pretty much through the night (hard for me lately, not cause of this... just always)

This was all navigating new territory for me, and who knows... I'm still very confused about what I want, what I can handle, and what really works for me. I'm sure I'll eventually figure it all out. Of course I have in my mind the perfect scenario of a relationship that works, but that's a needle in a haystack.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I get what you're saying, but ..."

Just a reminder, SSM, that this is how you often respond to folks here.

"I hear you but ..."

I'm trying to say this gently because you definitely deserve to be in a great relationship.

'Drama' is created when a lot of stuff is stirred up - either in posting or in real life - yet there is no resolution.

I submit that in order to get to where you want to be you need to think about nothing less than changing your way of thinking and getting rid of some of the 'buts.'

it is who he is - I'm sure of that... but

He gets his needs met... but in return mine

He will definitely let me hurt, and get upset, and walk... but never too far

I'm not picking on you semantically, by the way, this can become a way of life.


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 20891 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SSM))

Have you explored this relationship with IC? It might help you break this cycle with him if you could really dig in to why it works for you.

I'm glad you recognized that you're not getting your needs met but I do worry you're going to forget about that b/c of the 'high' the good parts of this relationship give you.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8405 | Registered: Apr 2008
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course I have in my mind the perfect scenario of a relationship that works, but that's a needle in a haystack.

I guess what I never understand about posts like these are why anyone would rather settle for some half ass relationship that doesn't meet their needs instead of holding out for that needle in the haystack. I guess my perspective is that I'd rather be alone that with the wrong person - BTDT if you know what I mean.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13554 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, but...

I guess I don't know what you mean by that, TR. What I'm trying to do is understand what everyone is saying, without being defensive, as I know I've been in the past.

The thing is, I can possibly post every single thing that has happened with this person... every single word that was said... every action. When I respond to what is said on here, I have the knowledge in my brain of all the rest of the information, and the details. Trust me - I do this inside my head too... I think of each thing, analyze it, go through the "buts" even with myself on a continuous basis.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hexed: I do often forget. Well, no... I don't forget... I get beyond it, then I *think* I am fine, and can handle it now, then get drawn back into the high. Not forget - just convince myself it won't happen again. ETA: not that he won't do it again - but that when he does, I won't care or will be ok with it.

Ama: I guess I think that my perfect scenario is most likely never gonna happen, and you're right - sometimes I agree with your statement - fuck it... I'd rather be alone than to be feeling like this and in the wrong thing... then when I'm feeling great, I waffle - and I think "well, nothing is perfect, and maybe having the good and taking the bad with it is better than nothing"... I go back and forth.

[This message edited by stupidstupidme at 9:13 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM - honey you know I think you're assume but you're also an addict. You are addicted to this high you get when things are perfect. Nothing is absolutely perfect. Unfortunately the sum total of this relationship isn't even close. You deserve a lot more than you're getting but he's got you hooked. You need 90 days of sobriety from this guy to start with


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8405 | Registered: Apr 2008
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep - agreed


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

by the way that was meant to be "awesome" not assume...uggh autocorrect.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8405 | Registered: Apr 2008
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got it

That definitely adds to my confusion about what I want and what is right for me. At times when I'm feeling fine and strong, I'm like "oh yeah... fuck this... I got this" and I go with it...

Then we get together - that is the downfall for me - always. Talking and texting is one thing, but it keeps that dynamic at... a more distant level. When we are together (and it is NOT about sex), it is very powerful. From the moment he walks in the door to the moment he leaves, and it does something to me. Exactly what it's meant to in this type of situation/relationship. Of COURSE it's going to effect me. After that is the time I am most vulnerable, and it's also the time he is most distant.

RIGHT THERE is where the problems begin... then escalate to this... where I am today.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silence. I know that I should be happy about that... break the cycle. But I'm not there yet.

I don't think I'll hear from him again. Again, should be relieved, but I'm not.

Sitting in this office with nothing to do but think doesn't help either...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can massage this (no pun intended) six ways from Sunday and at the end of the day, this guy is bad news.

Hot stove kind of bad news.

Major manipulator kind of bad news.

Physical and emotional USER kind of bad news.

Get your mind elsewhere.

It's N.F.L. Draft Day - who are you hopin' your birds get?


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know... I haven't been paying attention since they dismantled my team Now I am paying attention to the other birds (Orioles) Namely, Chris Davis (swoon)

Thanks... I know he's bad news... and young, and selfish and stupid. Although I wouldn't trade the experience for the world, I wish I had never even given him a chance seven months ago... I KNEW not to deal with that type of guy.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19704 | Registered: Aug 2006
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