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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Always on the hurting end
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish you would have come here before you answered it for NC support.

Sounds like the same push/pull, P/A dynamic that keeps you spinning.

What's your plan now?


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21048 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM - you KNOW, with your mind not your emotions, that if he was really into you, you wouldn't have to ask him to put in the effort.

If he wanted you in his life, nothing would stop him from putting in the effort. You are worth it and you KNOW that.

NC, NC, NC!

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right. I never should have even replied to the "you're not going anywhere" text.

Back to NC... Over the last week and a half there has been barely any... when I get that time and gain perspective (head can win over the stupid idiot heart) I feel much better... then I always get pulled back in.

It's my fault. Not his. I let it happen. I still want something from him that I'm never going to get. Still hope for it. I realize it is never going to happen and I'm only prolonging my own pain.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he wanted you in his life, nothing would stop him from putting in the effort. You are worth it and you KNOW that.

I know both of these things. I do.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you block him on your phone?

What is it that you want from him? And why do you want it from him?

Is it, on some level, because you know you won't get it?

Next time you're tempted to contact him ... come here.

(((SSM)))


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can block him on my phone, but only so he cannot call or text me. I haven't done it. I don't want to. I know I SHOULD, but I don't want to yet. *pathetic

I have asked him several times to block me... that way I can't text/call him. I am the weaker one... admittedly. His reply to my request was "never"

What I want from him was the type of relationship that he and I discussed when we met. It's complicated, but could work. Not something I want to really outline here.

Why from him - because I like the way he makes me laugh, the way he talks to me, the way he touches me , the way he is when he's "on". It's great. Basically, I've had from him exactly what I want, and I like it. It works. The problem is, it never lasts for very long... it's back and forth.

It may very well be on some level that it's because I can't have it. I really don't know... except that I have had what I want with/from him, and really love it... so I'm not really sure...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something that I learned when I started dating again that I have kept with me is that no one is going to enforce your boundaries for you. If you want yourself cut off from communication with him, it's up to you to do that. It's not his job to do that for you.

Don't give so much of your power away.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 2:54 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13732 | Registered: Jul 2011
cryingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14400 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM,

I think Ama is on to something.

Why are you so willing to hand over your person power to this guy? If this is the guy I'm thinking of, I remember the gist of the type of "relationship" you're talking about ... and I realize that handing over power is part of that dynamic.

But we're talking about your entire life here.

I said back then that it seems more like an addition than a relationship. I honestly think that your last post underscores that.

You have to decide what you want more. To stop being hurt (thus stopping contacting him) or to have this dysfunctional push/pull relationship.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't give so much of your power away

Ahhhhh yes... and you have no idea... lmao.

The weird thing is... I think he enjoys it. Fucking with me... keeping me hooked. He knows I have feelings for him - I've told him point blank. We don't want the same thing - even though I still want what I wanted initially - it's him that misled me in the beginning... yet he'll continue engaging with me... and repeating the cycle. WHY? Really? Like - if you know someone has feelings for you and you don't share them, stop playing games that hurt them, and leave them alone.

Yes - I KNOW I have the power to stop it... and that is what I really am trying to do... but it's hard because it's not what I want.

What I WANT is for him to do what he was doing two weeks ago, and stay steady that way. That's it. Stay the course. It was fun, nice, great... I know it wasn't only me that thought so... but it never lasts... never. I really don't know why... but I guess I don't have to. All I need to know is how it makes me feel, and that it isn't acceptable for me.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM,

I want you to go back and read your last two posts as though it was someone else who wrote them ... Let's say it was your daughter who wrote them. What would you think of the woman writing that?

The weird thing is... I think he enjoys it. Fucking with me... keeping me hooked.

Of course he likes it. To state the patently obvious, he wouldn't do it if he didn't like it.

In addition to that it goes along with everything you've written about this guy. He is all about the power trip. He has been from day one.

I'm not sure he misled you quite as much as you misled yourself.

You keep talking about what you want. Honey, it is a moot point. It doesn't matter what you want, because you're not ever going to get it.

It's rather like the old saying, "People in Hell want ice water. How does it feel to want?"

You're no more likely to get what you want from this situation than the people in Hell are to get ice water.

He isn't interested in giving you what you want. He is interested in the game. He is interested in control. He is interested in what he wants. What you want isn't even on the table for him.

This is a situation in which you either choose to play the game (by his rules) and be miserable or you walk away. Those are really your only two choices.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this is the guy I'm thinking of, I remember the gist of the type of "relationship" you're talking about ... and I realize that handing over power is part of that dynamic

Yes... and this is where some of my confusion comes in. It is my first relationship like this (other than NY guy), and the mind fuck is incredible... very difficult to explain, and I'm not gonna even try.

They dynamic is part of what makes it so hard to disengage... if anyone knows - it's so much more mental than it is physical. This man is VERY very good at it, so over seven months it has taken it's toll.

I should probably talk on another forum about it, but I can't get on those at work... and I don't have a computer at home.

I don't expect you guys to totally understand, but I really really do appreciate you talking to me and trying to help. It is helping... keeping me occupied.

Basically, his idea of the dynamics of this relationship and mine... are similar in some ways (and that part works amazingly), and very different in others... me being "shelved" is what hurts me, and from what I know and have learned, it is unfortunately very common in a relationship like this.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The weird thing is... I think he enjoys it. Fucking with me... keeping me hooked.

Of course he likes it. To state the patently obvious, he wouldn't do it if he didn't like it.

From what you're saying here, it sounds like he likes the game more than he likes you. Real winner.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13732 | Registered: Jul 2011
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me being "shelved" is what hurts me, and from what I know and have learned, it is unfortunately very common in a relationship like this.

Specific guy aside, why do you want a relationship that you acknowledge hurts you by it's very essence? I still think you need to drill down on the "Why" here.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13732 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SG: we were writing at the same time...

He isn't interested in giving you what you want. He is interested in the game. He is interested in control. He is interested in what he wants. What you want isn't even on the table for him.

This is a situation in which you either choose to play the game (by his rules) and be miserable or you walk away. Those are really your only two choices.

EXACTLY: all that is totally correct. I just need to get stronger and remember when he comes back giving me what I want (and he will) that it is fleeting, and I always end up feeling like this in the end - and NOT do it.



Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do get the draw and appeal.

The problem is that you're not enjoying this. Yes, you enjoy a part of it. But the final analysis has a net negative effect on you and your emotions.

In the end you're hurting and you're not happy.

This particular relationship is not healthy for you. What you need to figure out is what is your investment in trying to hold on to something that is hurting you.


ETA:

I know someone who is in this type of relationship. The push/pull and being "shelved" is indeed common. The thing is that it really works for her. She is contented and comfortable. The push/pull and all that goes with it does not hurt her and cause her angst.

I think that you should perhaps consider that you aren't really cut out for this type of relationship.

From the outside it is rather like watching Cinderella's step-sisters cutting off parts of their feet to try to fit into the glass slipper.

They, like you, were trying too hard to make something that doesn't fit, fit.

I cannot help but think that if this was really the right fit for you, you wouldn't be this unhappy.

I've another friend who tried to be in a polyamorous relationship. She loved both of the people she was involved with, but sharing didn't work for her. She thought she could do it. Parts of the relationship were fulfilling for her, but other parts hurt. The pain outweighed the happiness in the end.

I think you need to look at your bottom line. You said you're hurting. That should never be the goal of any relationship.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 3:28 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know why... because at the times I am getting what I need/want, it is mind blowingly amazing, and fills a very important need in me. We are extremely compatible in ways that are VERY hard to find... and on top of that there are other traits in him that I would look for in a partner. We are attracted to each other's intellect, the physical attraction is there, and as far as the other part - we match perfectly. That is very rare - as he told me months ago.

I guess I go back each time for two reasons...

1. I've had a taste of how great it can be, and I want it. Very badly.

2. I am very afraid that I won't find that kind of compatibility again... or not for a very long time.

I'm babbling here trying to keep my thoughts making sense - but in the end the bottom line is that he doesn't have the same feelings for me that I have. He doesn't want or need the relationship to be the way I want/need it to be.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really sorry, SSM.

It sucks to be in that type of situation. I'm pretty sure we've all be there at one time or another.

Just keep focusing on the fact that he doesn't want or need what you want, thus he will always be incapable of filling those needs and wants for you.

You'll always be chasing your tail on this ... and you deserve a whole hell of a lot better than that.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well since I'm spilling so much anyway - in some sick way I think I must be attracted to the push/pull. I think sometimes I even create it...

It hurts me, yes... and I hate it... I do. I do not like feeling like this... but I also seem to be drawn to it. If I weren't, I'd just block his number and not look back.

There are very specific things he does that hurt me. For instance, if he asks me for something, and I do it... then I get no response - no feedback... no nothing. In this type of relationship, it's praise... I need that, and I get it sometimes... but when I don't - it hurts a LOT.

It is basic... you do something giving to please someone, and they don't acknowledge it... it's hurtful. In this dynamic - it's hurtful times 10, because that is a lot of what it's based on... and why I am even in it.

Am I making sense??


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not like feeling like this... but I also seem to be drawn to it

This is the "why" I was asking about. It's obvious you're drawn to it or you wouldn't keep going back - the "good" side isn't enough.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13732 | Registered: Jul 2011
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