Amen. Now STICK to it, HONOR yourself.
Thank you all so much for being patient and continuing to help and be supportive. Tomorrow I'll post some great pics of my trip.
I am getting to this subject late, but reading through some of this just hurts. You know we have some relationship tendencies in common. I understand the thrill and the need of a push/pull.....it IS the intermittent reward that keeps us in it, it is the fact that sometimes we get what we need and when we do, it is amazing, and we are willing to settle for a little bit of something great than take a chance on nothing at all.....and we both feel we have some different needs that an ordinary regular type of relationship just can't fulfill. We need the adrenaline rush, the thrills, the roller coaster ups and downs.... I totally get all that.
My XSO was the last guy I dated that I allowed myself that type of relationship with. He was damaged, I was damaged, our damage complimented each other in a unique type of hurting relationship....and you know what? For some of us, we don't feel normal unless we are hurting somewhat. We are so used to it that it makes it very difficult to be in anything that doesn't have that thrill and excitement of the unknown....and of course with that comes the possibility of pain....
I am not sure what changed me, but over time, as I realized that it was FOO issues that made me seek out emotionally distant men, and the fact that I was tired of getting hurt, and the fact that instead of seeing my XSO as the incredibly sexy and hot guy that I used to think (and it makes it more difficult when so many other women reaffirm that he is hot) but now I see him as a good-looking grown up child that is emotionally stunted and probably always will be. And I guess I am tired of relationships with guys that cannot give me what I need.
I'm in a new one now (after taking a year hiatus) and it is so different from any of the others. This guy is stable, he is here for me, he LIKES to talk about emotional issues and keep the air between us clear, and although most women are not going to think he is the hottest thing since Johnny Depp, I have never seen a sexier guy in my life. As in, we are a twice a day couple (you don't have to fore-go the excitement in the bedroom for stability...you can have both.....
I look back now at what I was settling for with the XSO and would be really sad except for the fact that it makes me appreciate what I have now so much more. There is still plenty of excitement and adrenaline in this relationship. He isn't perfect. But the dynamics are different.
It is scary getting into a real, grown up type of relationship that may actually work. There is some safety going into a relationship that you know is doomed from the start. And every once in a while I want to run but I don't. We are talking things thru like mature adults. This is so much better......I hope you can get at what is keeping you tied down to the ones that bring you pain. ((((hugs))))
we don't feel normal unless we are hurting somewhat
Today isn't a good day. When I get off work, I have something really bad I have to deal with. I was so peaceful and relaxed and content last night, and then this...
Not having anything to do with this guy, and total NC still in place. I am not even missing HIM and the drama, but in having to deal with this other shit, the feeling of being alone is all too real.
The last few days have been really rough ones. Now that the drama of that has dissipated (sp?) somewhat, I'm thinking about him today. Crap. I also have NOTHING to do at work, so I'm free to look around on this computer... shouldn't be doing it, but already did a little.
Just like my other situation with my daughter, I know this is the right thing, and the healthy thing - but it doesn't feel good right now... and even harder cause of the other stuff going on. I don't even so much miss him emotionally anymore (like don't feel heartbroken), but more of this is when I need my distraction - the rush of good feeling. I miss it, especially right now.
Don't dip into the empty well. It will only exasperate things already spinning for you.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!