I feel like giving up on myself … again .. I shouldn’t ever have been in this situation ever!!!
I don’t know what I am working towards.. If I have to give up control on outcomes then what exactly I am looking at? I really worked hard on reaching this point where I can acknowledge how fucked up my thought processes are. How I haven’t been doing justice to any of my relationships. That just makes me so sad and depressed.
I am very stubborn. Once I set my mind on something I don’t stop until its done. I am trying to use that stubborn energy to get my life on track. What I lack is milestone I guess. I just cant see the future and that makes me annoyed.
What bothers me the most is once I realized it, shouldn’t I stay in that state in which I really want to change? Be a better person? It took few months initially. Now it doesn’t take that long.. maybe a couple of days to get myself back in that state where I SEE my flaws and really want to change. But I don’t stay in that state for long. I keep sliding back and I have to get myself back again in that state. Its just pathetic. Whats wrong with me? I feel like I am wasting time in this back and forth and that makes me even more angry and make me want to give up .. like “I am no good. Why do I have to make myself realize it again and again? Once I have that realization shouldn’t I stay in it? Why do I have to convince myself again and again?”
The whole point of this post is, I don’t really want to give up on myself. What annoyes me is why do I have to teach myself again and again? Only positive thing is each time I take less time to get to that point. Silver lining I guess.
I have been taking baby steps and making small changes. I look for a validation from CL for this but he refuses to give me that. (rightfully so). I had small victories in last couple of weeks and I was bit happy about it. CL insisted on consistenacy and stressed on not being too happy as it was just a beginning.
I have a tendency of starting new things and as soon as I get a hang of it , I give up on it. My mom had a huge problem with it. She always used to ask me to finish what I started. I never did. I guess same thing is happening here. I read a lot and I was so focused on figuring out how to handle this infidelity thing. Now that initial shock has worn off, I struggle with consistency. I had an impression “healing” was a destination. I now understand its not. The idea of getting up every morning and struggling to just get myself commit to self-improvement scares me. Especially when it takes couple of days each time. I mean committing to you own life.. shouldn’t that be something natural. I end up beating myself for wasting my life uptil now and not naturally feeling like this.
Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhhhhhhh .. its like I am discovering new obstacles and things that I don’t like about myself every day. Its like unless I don’t work on this I cant go ahead. So now I should work on consistency thingy. Which is nowhere related to infidelity but unless I don’t address it I will keep sliding back… aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggg I AM SO ANGRY with myself