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User Topic: help me understand "scheduling" sex---BS replies welcome
heartbroken0903
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Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read a lot of advice, not just here at SI but elsewhere (ladies' magazines, advice columns, etc.) about scheduling sex, literally putting it on your calendar, to help get out of a little- to no-sex slump especially when it's in large part due to seeming like there's no time for it/being too busy.

My question is, for those who have done this or for anyone who wants to weigh in, how is this helpful? Sex between spouses/SOs is physical, yes, but (IMO) should also be emotional. Wouldn't scheduling it make it seem like just another chore on the to-do list, no different than a dentist appointment or feeding the cat?

Also, I feel like scheduling it would, rather than making it seem like a priority (as I'm sure is one of the intents), actually have the opposite effect---basically make it glaringly obvious that it's NOT a priority. Like, "I so much can't be bothered to find the time for sex with you on my own that I guess I'll just pencil you in to make sure it gets done."

Thoughts? Where am I going wrong?

Thanks in advance.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...

Hmmm..I'm not opposed to the whole scheduling the sex 'idea', but I am not sure that I would be open to that now.

Let me explain.... prior to dday, I would have been fine with it.

Now, I need to be emotionally connected. What I find has helped open this door, has been physical touch and intimacy throughout the day. Meaning lots of hand holding, touches on the arm, talking, connecting, making time even to watch TV together.

The sex follows naturally now and we have kids too. All in activities so I understand it being hard.

I don't know if that helps or not, but that's my 2 cents.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2012
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well. If you have a busy life - kids, etc - you're often tired and rushed and sex can go by the wayside. Scheduling it ensures that you make it priority...set aside time for it... Maybe even let a little anticipation build. It's nonsense to think sex will just happen all of the time. You sometimes have to make it happen. That's not unromantic, it's making intimacy a priority.


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
WakingFromADream
♂ Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that I'm the best one to weigh in on the topic as any attempt that we had made in the distant past failed miserably. However, I'm going to make an attempt anyway.

I believe that there are four ways I can see scheduling physical intimacy on a regular basis is helpful in an established relationship. Those being an expression and fulfillment of a love language, making the relationship a priority setting aside time for your partner in a busy schedule, anticipation for the time spent together, and breaking out of old habits and into new ones.

One of the ways of expressing love to a partner, as explained in The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, is physical intimacy. One or both partners in a relationship may have this as one of the primary ways that they give and receive love in a relationship. If you are considering scheduling intimacy (intimacy, not sex. there are lots of things you can do other than intercourse ) then that suggests this aspect of a relationship may be suffering. If so, one or both may be feeling rejected and hurt. By scheduling you each can show a commitment to each other and the needs that each of you feel in a relationship. Also, while it may feel like it is a "chore", it can also be a small building block of trust by having a specific agreement and then following through on that agreement.

Life is busy and only so many things that you can do. When you add kids into the mix you have even less time to do things like make dinner let alone spend quality time with your SO. Physical intimacy is quality time and by scheduling that time you are specifically setting aside that time for your partner. It another way to show that they are important to you and you are making that time specifically about them.

When you have that time set aside, you know when the time is coming and it can be a great way to build anticipation for the physical actions themselves as well as the time that is going to be spent with your partner. That wait and anticipation can be a great way to build up to whatever happens, especially if you do other things to remind each other of what is coming.

Finally, it is a good way to get into a habit of being more intimate with each other. Sort of like when you are intimate more often then you are and when you're not you aren't. When you aren't intimate with your partner you start to fall out of the habit and encounters become less and less frequent. When this happens, especially if one of the partners has that as a love language, it can lead to feelings of rejection and resentment which can become a vicious circle. When you schedule you make it so that there are specifically times on a regular basis that you expect it to happen and get back into the habit.


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1147 | Registered: Nov 2011
SoVerySadNow
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Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe schedule time to be together alone and just let things go how they go- no pressure.
Scheduling "sex" seems forced to me too.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
LA44
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Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well....we don't say, "how about Tues. at noon?" It's more like, "so - what are you up too tomorrow at lunch?" And then we go from there!

But agreed with brokensmile in that the emotional connection really needs to be there.

5 Love Languages is an excellent read and so damn easy to implement!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2104 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Jospehine85
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Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thoroughly agree with you heartbroken0903.

I think SoVerySadNow has the right idea: schedule time to be alone, but not specifically for sex.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Skan
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before DDay, we would try to schedule sex/intimacy and it would fall by the wayside. Because we wern't plugged into (no pun intended) each other, wern't feeling intimate with each other, and each would pull back and wait for the other person to bring it up.

Damn, I really dont mean to be this punny ... I guess you can see what I have on my mind.

One of the things that we realized via MC is that we were not operating on the same wave length any more. It's like I'm was FM and he's AM radio. Just can't understand each other. So after bumbling around and having a lot of angst about actually DOING it after our HB ended, we used a suggestion of another SI'er and what our own weekly schedule was like.

We are only home x-number of nights at a reasonable hour for each other per week. So those 4 nights are primary nights where we know that sex is a possibility and hopefully, a probability. So that's our "schedule," if you will. However there was that feeling of fear of rejection, does he or she really want to do it, how do I know, etc.

Hence, Mickey & Minnie Mouse. Yep, we have two tiny figures of Mickey and Minnie. So if "Mickey" is feeling frisky, Mickey appears on the stair bannister in our living room, right at eye level. If "Minnie" joins him there, well then Green Light! If Minnie is having a horrible night, then Skan is obligated to let MrSkan know and to re-schedule another intimate time. If "Minnie" shows up in Mickeys lunch pail, then MrSkan gets to anticipate the evenings activities unless he texts/calls and lets Skan know that a re-schedule needs to happen. At the beginning, that was a great deal of help to us in figuring out what our signals were to each other. Frankly these days, we don't need to use the signals as much, although we do play with the figures. We've figured out each others signals, talk it out if necessary, and are back in tune with each other. Since Sex is a priority with both of us, we actively figured out what we needed to do to make sure that we didn't use the old "we're married so we can do it at any time, so there's no harm in putting it off for a day or two or a week, etc" bull.

However, if we go a few nights without making love, then one of those mice WILL end up on the stairs again, as a reminder.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4550 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
HarvesterofSorro
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Member # 7576
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too me it would be like scheduling a time to laugh, unless you realy feel like it it aint going to happen, but scheduling a time to do somethings that you would often find funny (telly/ movies) that would be a better way to look at it... to much pressure otherwise...

[This message edited by HarvesterofSorro at 9:25 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]


"when a man lies he murders part of the world" Merlin

Posts: 166 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Aotearoa ( Godzone)
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps try thinking about it in a different way.

When you were dating, that was certainly scheduled. And, maybe as the dating progressed, sex would be an anticipated part of the evening/event.

So in that way, you might be an expert already at scheduled sex. Ta da!


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Paladin
♂ Member
Member # 38367
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hence, Mickey & Minnie Mouse. Yep, we have two tiny figures of Mickey and Minnie. So if "Mickey" is feeling frisky, Mickey appears on the stair bannister in our living room, right at eye level. If "Minnie" joins him there, well then Green Light! If Minnie is having a horrible night, then Skan is obligated to let MrSkan know and to re-schedule another intimate time. If "Minnie" shows up in Mickeys lunch pail, then MrSkan gets to anticipate the evenings activities unless he texts/calls and lets Skan know that a re-schedule needs to happen. At the beginning, that was a great deal of help to us in figuring out what our signals were to each other. Frankly these days, we don't need to use the signals as much, although we do play with the figures. We've figured out each others signals, talk it out if necessary, and are back in tune with each other. Since Sex is a priority with both of us, we actively figured out what we needed to do to make sure that we didn't use the old "we're married so we can do it at any time, so there's no harm in putting it off for a day or two or a week, etc" bull.

However, if we go a few nights without making love, then one of those mice WILL end up on the stairs again, as a reminder.

I love this...great idea


Me BH 49
Her WW 42
Together 27 Married 23
DS 22,DS 20,DD 11
D Day 11/8/11
Separated trying to R

"When you understand the nature of a thing, you know what its capable of"...musashi...the book of five rings


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Paladin
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for the responses. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread...long day at work.

All of you had good input. I especially love Skan's Mickey and Minnie method. That sounds like a great idea.

WakingFromADream, you make valid points as to when & how this can be helpful.

I appreciate the time you all have put into the replies. I will think about it some more and reply more fully tomorrow.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
BIZZYBEEZ
♀ Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We tried scheduling sex once & it was quite awkward & completely lacked romance. No more. If one of us is feeling frisky we talk about it instead of ignoring it.
I do love the Mickey & Minnie idea!


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, sorry it took me so long to get back to the thread.

To touch on some specific replies:

Now, I need to be emotionally connected. What I find has helped open this door, has been physical touch and intimacy throughout the day. Meaning lots of hand holding, touches on the arm, talking, connecting, making time even to watch TV together.

Part of our problem is that we are unable to be connected during the day. We don't see each other for 10-11 hours at a time. We usually send each other a quick text to say we hope each other's day is going well and we love each other, but that's about it. There is no time for conversation, and no ability for physical closeness.

He also doesn't respond to sexy texting, or even any kind of verbal flirting in general. I don't know if it's b/c of my A or not, but I doubt it, because he was always that way even before I was unfaithful. He's not the kind of guy who gets in the mood if I text him "I wanna take your clothes off later" or whatever. It just doesn't "do it" for him.

I've tried to ask him what DOES get him in the mood, and it seems it's pretty much just physical touch. But that's kind of the issue...we have a hard time getting to the point of physical touch in the first place, where physical intimacy can result from there.

Also, while it may feel like it is a "chore", it can also be a small building block of trust by having a specific agreement and then following through on that agreement.

This is an area where I admit I've been at fault at times. In the past I've said, "We should get naked tonight," or something, but then the day happens and it gets put by the wayside and neglected, and then it's like I said it, suggested it, but didn't follow through. That's something I need to not do.

Sort of like when you are intimate more often then you are and when you're not you aren't. When you aren't intimate with your partner you start to fall out of the habit and encounters become less and less frequent.

This is exactly what is happening.

Our alone time is very predictable and is as follows: Monday - Friday from approximately 8pm on. Saturday from maybe 10pm on...I work during the day, he does man things, and then we socialize with friends in the evening; they live about 40 minutes away so we usually don't get home until 10 or so. And then Sundays I go to church in the mornings and then we are together all day.

Sex usually happens on Sundays. Unfortunately, some Sundays it doesn't, and then it usually doesn't happen for the rest of the week. It's more me than him, I would say, who is often not in the mood. But he hardly ever initiates. I can't recall a time I've ever turned him down. If he initiated 3 nights per week, that's how often he'd be doing it. But then HE feels that if I wanted it, *I'd* initiate...and if I don't, then I must not want it. I've told him I want him to initiate; he's told me he feels more comfortable with me initiating. An impasse.

When you were dating, that was certainly scheduled. And, maybe as the dating progressed, sex would be an anticipated part of the evening/event.

At the beginning of our relationship, OMG, I couldn't get enough of him. We were having sex multiple times per day, every day. Things are so different now. My attraction for him is still there...my attraction for SEX itself just isn't, as much as it used to be. We joke about that faraway someday when we have kids, and we say, "We'd have to actually have sex in order to have one," and even though it's all ha-ha, I feel so guilty.

If one of us is feeling frisky we talk about it instead of ignoring it.

We sometimes talk about it---but mostly we ignore it. He doesn't want to feel "pressure" or that I'm creating a problem where there isn't one. He's very conflict-avoidant.

It's really sad. Minus the two years we were apart after we divorced due to my A, we've only technically been together for 5 years. That's too short a time to be in this rut. I don't know how y'all in long marriages do it, keep the fires from burning out.

It worries me too because of course time is only even MORE limited once there are children in the home. I'd like this to be fixed before then.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
WalkinOnEggshelz
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Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he hardly ever initiates. I can't recall a time I've ever turned him down. If he initiated 3 nights per week, that's how often he'd be doing it. But then HE feels that if I wanted it, *I'd* initiate...and if I don't, then I must not want it. I've told him I want him to initiate; he's told me he feels more comfortable with me initiating. An impasse

This was an issue in M for years. I had this idea in my head that women didn't have to initiate because it was men that were supposed to. It was men that had the strong sex drive. And it was up to men to make a woman feel wanted. I was off base here and to be perfectly honest, missed out on several good years of some pretty amazing sex!

Talking about your schedule is quite frankly an excuse. The fact of the matter is, is that you are not making it a priority in your life. You say your friends live 40 minutes away? What's keeping you from touching him on the drive there, while you are with friends, and the drive back? While he is driving put your arm around his back and stroke his hair, your hand on his leg, hold hands. Cuddle him and embrace him while you are with friends. Repeat on the way back. As far as actual sex? If you both are really in tune with each other, it really shouldn't take all that long!

You really need to figure out what it is that is holding you back from initiating. For me, in addition to traditional roles, I had I huge fear of rejection. What if I initiate and he turn me down? I finally answered that question honestly. Nothing happens. It doesn't necessarily have to mean anything. But for the longest time I was too afraid to entertain trying.

We talked about it several times before my A. He wanted me to initiate. I would say sure, I get it. Do it once and then let it drop by the way side again. He had become resigned that it wasn't going to get any better. But after the A? Me not initiating was just unacceptable. He needed me to make the effort. He needed me to make him feel wanted. He needed me to be a proactive participant in all aspects of our M. He needed me to put in more effort to have sex with him than I out into having sex with MOM. I had to get over myself just a little bit.

Something I have found is that the more I touch him or compliment him, the more amorous I feel. The more we have sex the more I want it. The more I give the more I receive.

I've learned I'm allowed to enjoy sex with my husband. It's not a bargaining tool or a chore. It's something I want. So I make it a priority. Our schedules are such that we average maybe 6 hours of sleep each night and that rarely slows us down.

Really think about what it is that is keeping you from initiating. Once you figure that part out, the rest will work itself out.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 604 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WalkinOnEggshellz,

Thanks for your reply.

Our schedules are such that we average maybe 6 hours of sleep each night and that rarely slows us down.

Wow. Holy crap, with our job, we'd die. In all seriousness, we both have felt that getting enough sleep is a higher priority than a frequent sex life.

Really think about what it is that is keeping you from initiating. Once you figure that part out, the rest will work itself out.

It's a lack of desire for sex and a laziness/unwillingness to initiate anyway despite "not feeling it." Basically, as you said, it not being a priority to me.

I've really decided to fix this, though, finally. It's not just me that's affected by this. I've been selfish about it for too long. If I want to be in a relationship, sex is a part of that and a responsibility.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We found a combination of spontaneity and scheduling works well. We incorporate eroticism throughout the day which often leads to sex, but will plan an extended encounter--ie " how about we go epic Friday night?". I find anticipating adds to the fun--we'll take a bath together with wine, candles and music, perhaps a massage. I'll make sure my legs are shaved, wear the lingerie, etc. Like planning a date. It's not pressure, it's romantic.

Of course, we have an empty nest, which is great.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We schedule every morning. It is now a part of waking up. Even if I am MAD when I wake up and want to discuss some affair related thing we don't continue on to the day without sex. The seratonin and endophins kick in and we connect. I feel comforted. I know he's going to spend the day thinking of me. The schedule builds anticipation and gives us a goal. Why would he have sex with anyone else when he is thinking about getting home, getting to bed and waking up in the morning?

Posts: 596 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 18

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