As I gather things together for dessert, my mind wanders again. "I was willingly throwing all this away. My kids, my husband, me, everything. I was hiding secrets. Pretending to be something I wasn't." I reach across the counter to the laptop and quickly refresh the SI page. I see a new post. Looks like we have a new WS on SI. I scan their thread. *sigh* I call out the kitchen window, "Babe...gimme a sec. I'll be out in a bit."
This brought me back to my first day on SI. You were the 1st one to post on my thread. I was that new WS.
Turning my attention to the laptop, my fingers fly over the keyboard, forming a reply to the thread. I whisper a prayer that the person on the receiving end is open to my 2x4s and comments, as well as the other people's responses.
That they're not on SI just to please their BS. That they aren't faking this. That they genuinely want to be healthy. Fingers crossed. Submit.
That was a dark time in my life.. I was not on SI to please my BS. He had no idea about my affairs. I didn't know what healthy looked like. I wasn't faking it but had no idea if I was ready to accept what would be said to me and I crossed my fingers that finding the wayward section on SI would be a life saver. I remember the morning.. I had frantically looked for an IC in my area and to my surprise, they had a free appt in 2 days and I booked it.. Cancelled my Ashley Madison account. Somehow stumbled onto SI through my other google searches which is a miracle of some sort.
You were so kind to me and answered some of my questions, naturally pointed me to the Healing library. I felt relieved that someone was there, not shredding me to pieces in my fragile state. I stuck it out on SI for the next few days which was enough to hold me accountable to keep my IC appt. I wanted to run and scream for the hills, try to push my affairs out of my mind. Logging back to SI each and every day was a reminder there are people that know what I've done and will help. I cannot hide, shouldn't hide and can get the support if I embrace it.
Oh man I wish I had more time to type out my thoughts... My day in a life of a FWS is definitely an interesting path these days.
Nearly 7 1/2 months pregnant.. dealing with a crazy family.. learning about boundaries in all aspects of life. Learning to be a wife that I should have been. Remembering that I'm so very lucky to have him and the thought that I almost lost him is terrifying. He has been awesome and we keep growing together. I feel guilt every day and I remember where I have come from and where I am now and where I want to be. Striving to be a better person in all aspects of life.
Thank you SI. I haven't been posting as much but always taking time to read every day. Reflect, think about how I need to handle current problems better..
The WW formerly known as messedupchick
Everyday I wake up and look at the ceiling and calm my racing heart. I look at my phone where if I unlock it there is probably this site pulled up ready for a refresh or there is a picture or text exchange with SO that managed to calm my heart before I fell asleep. I shower, I grab something to drink (eating right after waking up makes my tummy hurt), turn on the tv and plan my dah. Through all this my mind is racing through the past few months, through fears, triumphs, tears and smiles. My phone dings and I look down smiling as I see the message from my best friend telling me to smile or feel good for the day. I sigh at that point as the reasons why my smile is no longer as ready hits me again. Sometimes I cry at this moment, sometimes I take a deep breath. I go for a walk and take in the day whether it be cold, snow, rain I need fresh air and sunshine on my face and allow my mind to clear for a precious few seconds. If its wednesday my friend is texting me asking if we are going to tango class. This is always answered with an absolutely as it takes me away from it all.
By this time its mid afternoon. I've cleaned up, studied, and have gotten ready to leave for tango in an hour or so and SO calls. Just seeing his number makes my heart melt and constrict at the same time. I hear his voice and my heart races, not from guilt or shame or any of the mess were in, simply because his voice has always made my heart race. We talk about meeting up for a date later in the week. He tells me of my dogs antics and holds the phone out so I can "talk" to her. We avoid the obvious topics and instead enjoy each other. We hang up not wanting to and I get my tango shoes and leave. I dance, I laugh and talk. I update my friend on how I feel and she hugs me and takes me for dinner. More laughter, some introspection. We always talk about our relationships and how we feel. We go back to the house and talk until she goes to sleep. I stay up, only total exhaustion allows me to sleep so I watch gypsy sisters or la hair or pawn stars. SO calls, he can't sleep either. Now in the dark we talk about us, our fears, our wants, our love. We hang up unsure of where we are but knowing we are no longer stuffing. I leave the tv on and come onto SI. I laugh at somethi g aubrie has posted, that light chuckle as someone said only another remorseful WS would be able to do. I cringe from some of the BS posts feeling that all familiar pain from knowing I caused that type of pain to someone else. I see a post from UO ooooo I have to read it, she makes me feel more intorspective, down to F&G did silver post on the unscramble thread...is there something to make me smile? Oh look a kitty pic, that'll do the trick. I smile and one last time for the day think of where I am as I lay on an air mattress on the floor. I think...I made it another day. I survived, I smiled, I laughed, I danced and he and I are still trying...today was a good day. Then I close my eyes finally exhausted and drift off.
No longer together
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
One day at a time...
Oh yes, the lump in your throat as you fight the tears. I know what you speak of knightsbff.
KBeguile, G2G in 1 month. There'll be a whole group of SIers to meet. Should be fun.
This brought me back to my first day on SI. You were the 1st one to post on my thread. I was that new WS.
I wanted to run and scream for the hills, try to push my affairs out of my mind.
You can do this Girl. You've come a long way and faced alot of crap. Chin up. We're rooting for you.
"I was willingly throwing all this away. My kids, my husband, me, everything. I was hiding secrets. Pretending to be something I wasn't." Post A and what I call the "slap in the face" this is more apparent. What I stood to lose. For what???
Unfortunately, it lasts most of the day since this is still all very fresh.
I hope you dont mind but I am going to copy your "I feel" statements at the end of your post in my IC notebook as an inspiration to keep fighting.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
It's so hard to concentrate anymore. My mind wanders in a thousand different directions all at once. I struggle with focusing. My memory is worse. It frustrates those around me. I'm trying to improve. To slow my mind. Massive work in progress. Well...I think there is progress.
During closing prayer, he always places his hand over mine. In that moment, I feel strong, safe, loved, and treasured. That is my favorite part of the service. His hand over mind during closing prayer. My heart sings every time.
I fight back the panic. "You were so stupid. How dumb can one person be!?"
Deep breaths. I coach myself. "Pull yourself together. Just. Be. Enjoy your family. You still have them. You're doing the hard work. Everyone makes really stupid choices. You learned a terrible and valuable lesson. Don't let what he did consume you. Keep walking Girl."
He willingly threw me & my family away for another family. He was hiding secrets. Pretending to be something he wasn't."
I feel sorrow, guilt, shame, horror at what he did.
I feel joyful, peaceful, loved, more healthy.
I feel like a prize.
I feel sub-par.
I am the BS and have experienced some of the same feelings you have. I can see my X doing all those things your H does for the OW because that's how he was with me. I have been pushed back, Both of them living out their lives as if I never existed.
I remember. My first thought was, "Dang, she's a firecracker. This could get bumpy."
LOL yeah I was(am) a bit of a firecracker.. I guess I made a bit of an entrance. You're right, it was definitely bumpy but you were a major support system and I couldn't have done it without you!
Yesterday was a good example of a day in the life.
For his 5 week course (he's on week 3) My Bh wakes up for school every day at 5 am. We are big cuddlers in bed when we awake in the night, we snuggle up.. His alarm went off at 5, he says sorry gotta go. He kisses me good bye and I happily sleep for another 2 hours until 7ish..
I awake after a few snooze hits to the alarm. Our beloved 8 yr old Lab X Pittbull dog knows the routine and I find him staring at me to feed him and let him outside. I start coffee to have my 1 daily cup and pour some cereal for breakfast. I usually will sit down on the couch and take a peek at SI on my iPhone and check my work e-mail for any morning emergencies. Do some reading / replying and turn on the TV.
I lose track of time some days and realize that I need to shower, get ready for work.. Well all I have to do is go to my computer desk and begin my day.
I easily get distracted by SI but work has been so busy that it seems I can only read and think but often when I try to reply, I run out of time. I read Aubries post here.. Shed a few tears when I reflected upon everything. Wow, I really screwed up my life. Will I ever be trusted again? Was my As a deal breaker but my BH doesn't know about it yet? I say that because maybe I really did ruin our marriage, and we are having a baby in attempts at true R but down the road, he realizes he is more hurt than he lets on now. I see all the time where a BS tries to R but the damage was so strong and love just hasn't been enough.
I decide to reply to the post but by the time I was able to finish a somewhat pieced together thought, it was about 3 hours from the time I started the post and hitting submit. Not exactly an ideal time frame for replying to posts.
Not just work has been the hurdle but learning boundaries has been a major task in my life. As I've posted on here before, my mother seems to be invading every aspect of my life. On Monday, I put my foot down and told her no to 2 things. She freaked out and went into a frantic rage for days. Pretty soon all my friends knew about it since she was sending them messages.
Yesterday, I think I had a breakthrough and feel awesome about it. I reinstated my boundaries that I'm trying to set and help her feel that it is ok and that I still love her. My mom through her tears and screaming, tells me again how depressed she is. I ask her to see a counsellor. How her grand daughter deserves to have a happy grandma. My mom is sooo in love with my baby to be and is putting too much focus on it. With my brothers drug addiction and my dad's conflict avoidance, the situation is very messy. I have been mainly NC except for a few visits a month. That has helped but also putting strains in the relationships. So to say my life has been easy with my family would be wrong...
Near the mid-afternoon, my BH comes home from school. I'm still working and ask him to keep it down while I'm on the phone with clients. He rushes off to the gym to work out with his buddy. He's been quite proud of his body building efforts and never misses a moment to flex his bigger, stronger muscles to me. I'll take those times to flirt with him, be all impressed with his biceps. Fawn over him so to speak.. I remember how lucky I have him in my life. He takes time to connect with our baby in my belly and then goes to shower. I get back to work and feel happy about resolving some issues with my mom and how funny my husband is about his gym efforts.
The work day was done.. I start up dinner. We now have a routine of eating at a table without watching TV. Yeah I know, easy shit but we just removed the coffee table in our living room and now we can't sit on the couch and eat dinner there. It's been a great thing and we enjoy our new routine. But inevitably, we must turn on the TV as it's 6:30 and our hockey game is about to start. Both of us were born in different provinces/cities which makes us fans of different hockey teams. Well, sometimes that makes for an interesting night. We have fun banter back and forth when our fave team scores on each other. I'm the Canucks fan and he's the Flames fan. Not exactly a match made in heaven for any hockey fans out there that can relate
In the 3rd period, I laugh at every moment I can when the Canucks were scoring on the Flames every few minutes there. My BH gets a little upset and turns off the TV while I cackle from the kitchen washing up some dishes.
He calls up his parents and talk to them. They live out of town and we only see them 1-2x a year. One thing I love about him is that he is always great at calling his parents and they are a breath of fresh air because they are so easy going and welcome me to their family as the daughter they never had (and well they are the parents I don't have lol) he passes the phone to me, I chat with both of them for a a while. Then I let them go so we can take the dog for a walk before it gets dark.
We go for a walk holding hands, laughing about funny things and talking. I felt so happy to have a break from the rain and have my man by my side while we walked through the neighborhood.
We get back home and settle in for some relaxation on the couch. We talk about the rest of the day and then I find him passed out on the couch.. Poor guy is tired. I smile at him and laugh. Usually it's me that passes out (pregnancy takes its toll). I drag him to bed and we snuggle up before falling asleep.
Yesterday.. it was a great day. Did I have moments where I cried? yes. I think my hormones do not help my cause but they keep me humble in the journey in R with my BH. I enjoy the little things that we do together. I do fear that I have damaged our marriage and have unrepairable problems. I finally can see the 2-5 year time frame to be accurate. I know that he loves me very much and I do as well. He is growing up more every day. I'm impressed by his decisions that he makes when he thinks about us first and his friends second. I feel more loved than I did before however I also know I'm healthier than I was before to embrace his love better.
thanks for letting me share. It's not an easy path as a FWS but neither is the path as BS.
Totally gonna T/J my own thread now.
The family/boundary thing is...difficult. BTDT. It took some time to get the hang of it, but we're in a pretty decent place now and it's kind of freeing, relaxing. Mr. Aubrie and I withdraw into our sanctuary when the drama llama gets too hyper.
Both of us were born in different provinces/cities which makes us fans of different hockey teams. Well, sometimes that makes for an interesting night. We have fun banter back and forth when our fave team scores on each other.
Last year was intense. We were just a couple months out from Dday. When Mr. Aubrie stated the prize he wanted, the color drained from my face but I agreed to the terms. Guess who won that year? *sigh*
It was kind of cool though. He wanted something from me that I had always been scared of. When the Big Blue won, he was grinning with glee. But when it came right down to it, he was so kind. He knew I was fearful and offered to let me out of the bet. I refused. 4 months out from Dday....I'll attempt to walk on water for you Dude. I faced the fear with terror gripping my heart, but hey, I faced it. I did it. Victory. Bonus? He was over the moon and it felt good to see the pride and happiness in his eyes.
On a serious note:
I just wanted to throw this out there, R is not always peaches and cream. I know that. There's no Pollyanna syndrome here.
Each couple here, each individual has a hell to fight thru. Each hell is different. Some are harder than others. I know that my hell isn't as bad compared to some. Bottom line, it's all hell and we all have to fight our way back.
Newbie WS, fight for it. Fight for boundaries. Fight for clarity. Fight for health. Fight for your spouse, your children, and yes even you.
I remember sitting here, not so long ago, reading posts and thinking, "Oh my gosh, I will never get there. These people are crazy! This has got to be some kind of sick joke."
It's not. You can get there. You'll take 3 steps forward and 1 back. 4 steps forward and 2 back. And even though you might fall back a little, you're still moving forward. Maybe not as fast as you want. But you're still moving. It's that crazy word that everyone loathes to hear. Time.
Don't know what you do for a living, but you should seriously think about starting a book in your spare time. It doesn't have to be about infidelity, but I think it would be great if it was. Think about how few truly great books there are out there on the topic. I'm 5 months out and have pretty much read them all.
Just a thought. We loved your post.
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.
I also felt good to see that thoughts of your actual AP didn't make it in.
In the early days, mental NC was a nightmare and seemed virtually impossible. However, as I've dug in, I've found that 95% of the time, the AP is not even a thought in my mind. I have focused on my part in this. My actions. My poor choices. What he thinks/says/does absolutely does not matter and has zero bearing on my healing.
It's kinda weird to talk about and work on the A without addressing the name or even a thought of the AP. And if a thought does come, I feel nothing about him other than, "Meh, whatever". Make sense?
[This message edited by girlsbird at 12:23 AM, April 15th (Monday)]
Thank you for this. If my fWH only explained half of this to me, I would understand what he was going through and appreciate that we really are trying to get through this together. At the moment, I feel, I am the only one hurting because he doesn't tell me any of this. I want him too, but he won't.
Othe WS please read this and share what you feel with your BS
Status - Living separately since DD
Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.
As many others have said...WOW. My BH sent me the link to your post last week. Having read it a couple of times now, you have written it so well. So much of what you wrote resonates with me so strongly.
We are almost 3 years out from DD and there still isnt a day that goes by that I dont think about what I did, the pain I caused BH by my choices, how I risked everything for nothing, who I allowed myself to be then. It is always there - it doesnt consume me or own me anymore. I feel the pain, own the feeling and acknowledge it - it took a long time in IC to own it without it owning me. Some days are worse than others, but the pain, fall out and implications of my decisions are always there.
Thank you for putting words to what a day can be like for a WS. Very well done.