All day yesterday all I could think about is how aweful of a person I am. I was also still upset with the fact my BS also became a WS with a comment. (I'm not sure i can even consider hom a WS based off of one comment) At this point we've done everything the other did. As far as being MH's.
I attempted to talk my feelings out yesterday and got stung. I was telling my BS that i didn't feel good enough and i was mad at myself for all the things I was thinking, as I was trying to tell him about the feeling of wanting to check his phone he said "now you know how i felt but i got it worse".
I had not even got out my statement yet before he said that. I was crushed... Because i had already been feeling bad. The way he said that with anger. Also i feel like i have no right to be upset about the comment he made to a girl he don't know...
Needless to say i felt like I deserved it. That everything I think and feel about myself is true. I wonder why he's here. I feel like my feelings of hurt and anger from his overly affectionate comment are not reasonable. As we attempted to talk things out more he broke down asking the same questions he did in the beginning.
I know I'm realizing all the feelings I use to have since our first A's.I know i use to feel alone, forgotten. As years went on I started to feel resentment, unappreciated, and emotionally lonely. I can see these feelings and understand that all it would have talking was some time to fix these. If we could really talk about our feelings to each other.
I know I had attempted to say how I felt about something when ever I felt these feelings and wanted to resolve them. But neither of us knew how to talk, just fight and argue and blame. Plus I also felt he should just know and i now understand how unreasonable that is. I cant read his mind how could he read mine.
Needless to say I felt inadequate to comfort him. Im trying hard to be here to take what he has to say in stride. I understand i created this and i need to handle it. I just sometime don't feel like I'm doing it right when I'm the one crying all the time.
I guess the questions I have right now are: Should I feel as upset about the comment he made to this girl? He did not want me to see it. When i read it I was so angry and hurt. Can i even consider it a EA... One comment. He agrees he was wrong to say it and has deleted the chat. I wanted him to let this person know that we are together and that we are working on things. But why?? Why does this matter to me?? Finally how can we get through this if I feel that my feelings are not as important with this situation as he's are with the situation i put us in..
Thank you for any and all responses.
Before DDay I was never attracted to anyone EVER but my H. Even when he was being awful, at night I would dream about HIM being sweet. Noone else EVER entered my mind.
Until now. Suddenly I notice things. Especially when someone pays me attention. I notice. For the first time ever.
I can't claim to understand this. But I think it is a phenomenon (not particularly good). I think the A opened up all kinds of thought patterns that never existed before.
I am not saying that this is right or good. I really think that it's not. But I will tell you now that if someone made advances towards me that in the past I would have dismissed out of hand, now they would make me think. It has already happened. And it scares me. The difference in my attitude is literally scary.
I think that sometimes as BSes we are very vulnerable to new people. If they appear to want us, when our spouses appeared to have "thrown us away", it is hard. It is, well....tempting. It really is.
I am incredibly conservative and honestly the thought of going outside my marriage for any reason never occurred to me until this happened. But now, to be brutally honest, when I am approached with something like that, I see possibilities where before I would have seen nothing.
Not sure if this helps at all, but I guess my point is that I would forgive one comment. Talk about it. Figure out where it came from. Kill it. But don't blame your BS. Someone else apparently wanted them at a time when they were confused about how much you did.
But he told me this morning that I should have these feelings even if this wasnt huge. I forgive him cause He made it clear he loves me. That he wants to make us work. Im still trying to forgive myself for the mess ive created.
He is very handsome, kind, loving person. I often feel like I dont deserve him. And i'm greatful he's still with me and he is willing to help me a better person.
We did talk about how it happened. It was because she thought he was interesting. He had got pretty drunk talking to her and talked about where we live and about berries before the stopped chatting for the night. He's the kind of guy who likes to learn about different cultures and peopes traditional ways. The next day when he woke up still buzzed up, she IM'd him and he wanted to say something nice and it came out to nice...
He told me he had been upset with himself right after he sent it. And he is currently showing me the convo. Where he told her he did not mean to say what he said. That he's with me and how unfair that was because he loves me. She asked if we were ok and told him to take care.
Im also a little upset that, i feel like ive been trying so hard. Feeling like we've been making progress. And that it was so easy for this to happen when I thought we were working together... Im just trying to take it as a hick up. I think he sees how easy it can be. And he tells me that its not worth us. So i think I need to just see that he's trying just as much as I am.
Thanks again, it does help to see things from the otherside.
A long time ago my BW told me that she thought that WS's end up having whatever type of A is going to be most hurtful to the BS. Doesn't fit every situation, but I've seen the comments. Some are hurt more by an EA, others by a PA, others yet by a ONS, then LTA, on-line (strangers...why throw it all away for a stranger), closest friends (how could you do that to me with my BFF) and the list goes on...
The point is, you were hurt. Your BF's comment about "now you know how it feels, but what you did is 100 times worse" is a load of crap. Are you hurt? Yes. Then it doesn't matter if he thinks he didn't hurt you as much as he perceives you hurt him. You're both screwed up, now quit getting into a pissing match about who's more hurt. Also, don't minimize your own feelings. That gets people into so many problems. You have feelings. Feel them, accept that they are what they are to you and that you have every right to how you feel even if someone tries to poo-poo the severity.
What is nice is that you BF is aware that what he did hurt you. So next time he gets a bit drunk, is he going to do this again? or is he going to have some boundaries in place, like you should have in place, to remain committed to R?
There is a lot of push-pull going on for you right now. It's probably going to be that way for a while. If you two have committed to R, which it might still be a little early to really know about that, then you guys should lay some ground rules about transparency, accountability, honesty, communication and everything else that makes for a good M.
I know I hurt him, i wanna help him through it. He knows he hurt me and today he acknowledged that i should have my feelings no matter what. That alone helped a lot.
Thanks for the push to feel my feelings. I think i often feel like i need to focus on everyone but myself. Thanks for helping me feel like the the situations are similar no matter what the situation.
This talking and being open is new to the both of us but we both agree it's helped a lot for our relationship.
He said that he sees that he doesn't seem to know how treat female friends anymore. But that he wont being saying anything close to what he said anymore. So i think he knows what his boundaries are now. Im learning my triggers and Im feeling more confident in my boundaries also.
I think this situation helped us see that transparency is going to be vital to our R. He's always known my passwords. I've never changed them. Now I'm learning all his info.
We both know we have to take accountability for ourselves and i think we're learning it pretty well. Well i feel like i never really did before and always tried to place the blame. Now i see how wrong I've been and have made sure i am taking my responsibility for my actions. He has always been pretty good in taking responsibility for his actions very quickly. Even in this case.
I think we've came a long way in communicating and it has helped tremendously for us to understand what we are working for. He's also been very honest almost brutally. For myself Ive learned why it is important.
Im getting better at it but had a hard time when i knew it would hurt him. But I'm glad i did it cause i feel much better.
Its all a learning process and life style change since years ago. I think we're both committed to our future and have been decently successful with every step. I hope this was just a small set back in our struggle.
I noticed that i often feel confused and want to get insight on my feelings before i tell him so i know exactly how i should handle a situation and I do go off and make things worse.
Thank you for your help i really appreciate the support and guidance. Its a tremendous relief to have some where to turn when I feel boxed in.
I feel the same way...noticing flirty waitress's, women coworkers who stop by my office...it's a whole new world...and it is scary!
It is also tempting.
I also share your view that this is not good.
I pray I have the strength to resist. On bad days, this attention gets my mind started down a path I don't want to go.....
The kicker in my M is that my wife chose to cheat on just okay days...never once has she admitted to having really bad days in our marriage .
So it is unnerving that she chose to have an affair with no real pressure or dissatisfaction from within our marriage and I have to be on guard with this tremendous rejection and discomfort in our marriage. It is tough.
I also wonder how my wife can resist her urge to cheat NOW that our marriage is so strained.