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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Saying "I Love You" First
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been with SO almost 4 months now; exclusive for 3. Not very long, but we are together most every night and most every weekend. We pretty much go between his place and mine. My family loves him. He treats me like gold. He is kind, friendly, funny, and FUN!

I love him. It's for real. This is not that "lust" thing that happens to me after a few dates... this guy is "the one". And it's completely mutual. His friends tell me privately how he tells them he found his true love.

Why hasn't he said the ILY words to me? I have been very close to blurting it out without thinking... but I want him to make the first move, not me.

I am not sure of the protocol on this one! I am 49, and this may be my first true love... believe it or not. I never loved my WXH. It was lust and then pregnancy and the M. This is real.


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUM))))

Not an easy process, is it? At this age, that stuff feels soooo damned awkward. Just let things roll for a while.

I've always been of the opinion that the guy kind of needs to make that move first....but I'm kind of old-school that way. Never chase him, let him chase you. Ya know?

Take that for what it's worth though.....I'm still single!


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been dating my BF for seven months now but I don't go there. He's only a year out from D so I find myself very focused on that and not what is important to me. (Yes, I know that is not good)

I'm just now ready to talk about our relationship and what it means. However, he is working in Germany this week so I'm waiting until he's home.

I'm glad it's going well, but I would agree that HE needs to take that step first.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4160 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whats the difference who says it first ? We are adults now and these old traditional things should have gone out the window in HS. If you love him, tell him. This midlife dating shit is hard. Dont make any harder by playing games. Say what on your mind and encourage him to do the same. At best the 2 of you are on the same level. At worst you are not. And if thats the case at least you know your barking up the wrong tree. Lifes too short waiting for the other guy to blink first.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5417 | Registered: Nov 2007
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whats the difference who says it first?

It shouldn't make a difference. But maybe it's my insecurities of being a BW. I do not handle rejection well and if, by any chance, he says something like "I'm almost there, but not quite" I'd be devastated.


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think an important thing to ponder is do you want to tell him just because you want him to know? Or are you saying it because you want to hear it back?

I'm not saying that is the case, but I know people who do this.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 838 | Registered: Feb 2006
somer222
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Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not handle rejection well and if, by any chance, he says something like "I'm almost there, but not quite" I'd be devastated.

I'd definitely let him be the one who says it first.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think an important thing to ponder is do you want to tell him just because you want him to know? Or are you saying it because you want to hear it back?

Good point. Upon pondering, I would say the reason I want to say it is I feel it, want to express it.... but I want to hear it back as well.

As I said, in moments like when we are cuddling, I feel like I may slip up and say it anyway. Without thinking. I am so ready to hear him say it so I don't have to hold back!


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
damncutekitty
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Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew I was ready to say it to my SO when I didn't care anymore if he said it first or if he said it back. We'd been together about 6 months when I told him.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not handle rejection well and if, by any chance, he says something like "I'm almost there, but not quite" I'd be devastated.

Yeah, I never told SI this, but I told G that I loved him around the 3.5 month mark. I was drunk when I said it, but the next morning we talked about it and I got the, "I'm not there yet" response. He brought it up again when we broke up a month and a half later and said he thought I deserved someone who could love me back.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13188 | Registered: Jul 2011
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this isnt a chess game right? It is discouraging to me to hear woman say they feel it should only be brought up by men. Isnt that withholding your true feelings from him? Arent we supposed to be honest? Love is complicated enough.To me this conversation feels too much like a game. I told my xso I loved her after 6 months. It turned out in the end she did not feel the same. It took her 6 more months to arrive at that. I think feelings should be shared. Even if you are unsure which happens. more discussion is needed in that case. Communicating is the point. If you are only picking and choosing what he should know that doesnt sound balanced to me. Hmmm this is a good one to think about.


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Crescita
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Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO and I were 7 months in when I said it. Didn't really give too much thought to who should say it first, I just felt in the moment it needed to be said. Of course I wouldn't look at him for a few minutes after so maybe there was some anxiety involved in making myself vulnerable, even though he did say it back right away.

Posts: 2963 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
InnerLight
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Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4 months is so early. Hang in there and enjoy the ride. Some men can take a year to say it even if they feel it. Who says it first? It depends on what your pattern is. If you have always had the experience of being the first to say it, of expressing yourself whether the other person says it or not, maybe you might try just feeling it without saying it. Let it get expressed in non verbal ways. Let him be the first. If you've always held back then maybe it's time to try something new and let the words come first.

My SO took a year to say it.


Here's to A New Life of Excellent Health, Financial Abundance, Nature's Beauty, Amazing Art and Personal Creativity, with Love, Beauty and Peace All Around Us.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: United States
Spirit13
♀ Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had only been dating my SO for about 6 weeks and he dropped the ILY on me. Funny thing was that he was drunk at the time (the only time I've ever actually seen him drunk) and he didn't remember saying it the next day!

So, a few weeks later he sets up this big evening where he is going to "tell me" that he loves me. (I wasn't aware it was a big set up) Then when he says it - I guess I must have not reacted in the most "special" way that he expected. So, he tells me about how he thought out the whole evening and how he was going to tell me and I have to tell him that he ALREADY TOLD ME like 20 times a few weeks ago in VEGAS.

It was actually pretty funny.

(The moral of the story is wait for him to say it and make sure he isn't drunk so he doesn't forget.)


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
hit-by-a-train
♀ Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think balance is good. My guy is more forward verbally than I am. He was the first one to talk about having feelings for me, the first one to say we were dating, the first one to say that he wanted to book a hotel room for after our out of town cirque de soleil (90 miles away), the first one to mention that he doesn't try to have sex without love involved, and yesterday the first to call us boyfriend/girlfriend.

On the other hand, he was married twice and never cheated so NOT very experienced in the bedroom. I will need to take the lead there, and I feel safe enough with him to do so.

Balance.....give and take, imho.

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 6:50 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Grief & joy coexist.

Posts: 2257 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
GrievingMommy
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Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With my former SO (of a whole week now), we said ILY around four months in. I wanted to say it but didn't know when to say it or how he'd be with it. I finally said it and he said it back.

At this point if you can't handle the possible silence back or if he says he's not ready to say it, then I'd wait for him to say it first.

Glad it's going well!!


Me - Now 35 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1687 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think 4 months is a short time period at all, especially given how much time you are spending together.

If the time feels right, say it if you want to express how you feel. It shouldn't change how he feels whether he is ready to say it back or not.

I hope you have a fireworks moment when it happens!


Posts: 524 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO said it first.
It would be awful if 1 partner said it and the other just said "thank you"
Say it if you feel it.
Its a risk but the strongest people are the ones unfraid of vulnerability.

Posts: 4604 | Registered: Dec 2009
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO told me after 5 weeks of dating. We saw each other nearly every day. Next month will be 2 years. If you love him, and feel he is the one, tell him!!!


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 3970 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my problem is that after a drink or two I have a problem holding back my emotions and feelings... Especially when we are cuddling and talking deeply...

We were having yet another amazing time last night and I told him I was scared because I was falling in love with him. That I am putting my heart on the line. And I am nervous.

He told me he gets it; that he shares the exact same feelings as I do. Its exciting amd scary at the same time. But he never repeated the L word.

He told me that I am all he ever wanted in a woman. That he can't even spend a night without me. That he never has experienced these feelings before. He likes everything about us: just cuddling, hanging out, talking, family time, sleeping together, hanging out. He is excited about our future possibilities. No L word. But it was pretty comforting nonetheless.

I guess I am going to have to wait it out a little while longer for the mutual declaration of "love". I'm not sure why I feel like I have to rush things; but I do. Sigh. But all is still good.


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
Topic Posts: 31
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