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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How does that affect the affair partner's betrayed wife?
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH and I are exploring my how's and whys. Every reason I can come up with is followed by him saying "How does that justify/affect the AP's wife? or What does that have to do with the AP's wife?" I wonder if there will ever be a reason that will take into account what I did to her? I feel like no reason I can come up with with will justify destroying her life.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like no reason I can come up with with will justify destroying her life.
You're right. There is no justification.

Why is it important to find that kind of an answer? The AP's wife should be none of your concern at this point. You can feel bad, but there are no answers that will ever have any bearing on her.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it important to find that kind of an answer? The AP's wife should be none of your concern at this point. You can feel bad, but there are no answers that will ever have any bearing on her.

My BH wants the answer to this because this is the key to appreciating how I was able to disregard my ethics. My BH said that i wanted to continue the affair after the first time, I should have kept the spouses out of it instead of getting them involved.

My BH said that if I was resentful to him, how did I need to add collateral damage to a 3rd innocent party (APBW)


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if there will ever be a reason that will take into account what I did to her?

Yes. You did not take her into account. She was not a part of your "relationship" with her husband. He was not her husband at all in your mind. He was your solution without having to make any tough painful choices.

My ex friend was a sister to me. That love and affection was real. She was there for me for many dark days as a child. She was kind and caring and loving the 20 years she knew me right up until she fucked my ex and had their child. Then she lied every day to my face.

Why? Because I wasn't taken into account as she was searching for her "solution" to a PTSD husband that wasn't a prince to begin with and two (at the time) little ones that demanded her attention.

Why are either of you expecting the answer to justify the destruction? It won't. I don't give a fuck how creative you are you won't every justify that choice, so stop.

Find the thought processes and patterns that didn't stop, support, offer other choices and evict those suckers. That's where your focus needs to be.

Simple answer. "It doesn't".


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PL: this is par for the course for a double betrayal. In a strange way, the betrayal by my "friend", and what my W did to her "friend" was worse than what they did to their spouses. I can't explain why that is, but it's a very strong emotion. I've talked to my W about this quite a bit, and there is no justification, rhyme or reason to be found here.

Everything was rationalized in her head during the A. At the time, she actually felt closer to the OBS; her and OM talked extensively about their unhappiness in their marriages, and they were "counseling" each other, since we all knew each other so well. FUBAR!

Anyway, trust me when I say there is absolutely nothing you can say to your H that will explain your actions in this regard.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here. I hope you dont mind me posting.

WW was cheating with a 'good' friend of mine. I never called him or thought of him as 'best friend'. However, WW was convinced he is my best friend. And he also mentioned multiple times that I am his best friend. I guess both of them thought that the role of a best friend involves screwing the best friend's wife..

She constantly urged me to talk to him about problems in our relationship. I just never considered him close and hence never spoke to him, except once when he spoke to me about my relationship. How twisted is that on the part of both the POS1 and WW.

Guess I am rambling. The point is that the thought processes of both the APs at the time of the A are pretty fucked up. To a rational mind, it will just not seem right no matter whatever you say. In fact, I think once the WS is out of the fog, they will also have a hard time understanding their behaviour during the A.

Yup. There is absolutely nothing that will justify or satisfy your BS or the APBS. No reason, except the broken-ness and selfishness of 2 people works for me.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 10:20 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think once the WS is out of the fog, they will also have a hard time understanding their behaviour during the A.

Yup...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Topic Posts: 7

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