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Newest Member: SoWhereToNow (44221)

Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife left me for her new boss
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending hugs & prayers your way!!

Just keep on texting us with a grin on your face & tune them out!!! Keep them wondering.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
2 sons together-28 & 23
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
WW with H#2 =BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 198 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength, AAS. You've got this, my friend.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you and hoping the outcome is in your favor

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We got called to the judges chambers. Gru stayed put in his seat and looked at me as I walked past. He looked smug.

I followed CSTBXWW to the judges chambers. This is the first time I've been within 30ft of her for months. I could smell her.

We sat down in front of the judge and he didn't waste any time. He started by saying that I have successfully proved adultery and it is now for CSTBXWW to explain why she shouldn't pay the divorce costs. She had previously submitted a document explaining her viewpoint and I had submitted a rebuttal.

The judge asked to hear from her. She was uncomfortable at this point. She calmly stated that she felt that I was responsible because when we argued I liked to be right and didn't like losing an argument. This made me controlling. She married an alpha male, what did she expect?! Therefore she considered me emotionally abusive. The judge then said "but your form said he was physically abusive during your marriage??" The judge seemed unimpressed. She leapt in with another attempt to gain favour. She then said that in January I raped her and this justified the affair. I predicted she might throw that grenade so I calmly reminded her via the judge that not only was the sex consensual for all but the last 10 seconds at which point she froze like a statue and then claimed she didn't want it but January (the date of the accusation) was one month after she first committed adultery so was hardly a valid reason for adultery. The judge wasn't convinced by her and started his ruling as follows:

"in my twenty plus years of doing this there have been few occurrences where both parties could not take some share of the blame for the failure of the marriage". At which point I wanted to ram something down his throat and tell him that she should have a) told me she was unhappy or b) divorced me or c) tried MC rather than fucking another man and taking my children.

However, he finally concluded by saying that she should pay:

All of her own costs
All of the court costs
Half of my costs.

I think this was reasonable, considering the judge could not and would not give us more than 10 minutes of his time and I expected him to default to us each paying our own costs and splitting the court costs. She did not look impressed.


Despite 'winning' it all feels so surreal and out-of-body. I still shake my head in disbelief.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 648 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now all you need is the kids.
Is there a chance that you could gain full custody?

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 10:20 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely fits the term, "hollow victory", huh?

Happy for your win but also totally understand the sadness of loss.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
2 sons together-28 & 23
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
WW with H#2 =BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 198 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, AAS, good for you. I know it's difficult to pump your fist in victory, such as it is, and I know how hard it must have been being with her in that context. It's a tragedy all around and nobody wins. But you were strong and controlled. Well done.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not only did she have to pay all of her costs, but all of the court costs and half of your costs. All that adds up to
ONE BIG WIN FOR AAS!!
I'm sorry you have to pay 1/2 of your legal fees, but overall, you have won this battle.

Just keep up being the decent, level headed man that you are, and you will win the next battles as well.

"in my twenty plus years of doing this there have been few occurrences where both parties could not take some share of the blame for the failure of the marriage". At which point I wanted to ram something down his throat and tell him that she should have a) told me she was unhappy or b) divorced me or c) tried MC rather than fucking another man and taking my children.
I'm with you there. The judge was a stupid a*s, however he couldn't deny that the overwhelming culprit in the demise of your M was CSTBXWW, and not you, hence his ruling.

Are you going to celebrate tonight?


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((aas))))

I know that it is bittersweet.

I can't believe your X actually stated your wanting to be right as emotional abuse and accused you of rape. That is SO insulting to people who are actually abused! And whatever her complaints, however she spun them, at worst are reasons for divorce, not infidelity. There is no justification for that, and the judge should know that.

She clearly has convinced herself, and Gru, that she is a victim, and that he has saved her. That's likely why she acts so hateful; part of her victim mentality. She is completely lost.

I'm so sorry, but glad things worked in your favor; some small comfort.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that she has to pay all of her own costs, all of the court costs, and half of yours should DEFINITELY motivate her to start cooperating with your demands. This is VERY good. If she gives you a hard time with anything else, just fight back and take it to court. She'll be paying for 75% of the total lawyer and court fees. Now is when you start playing hardball!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ Agreed. Gloves off. And good job in court today!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4551 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she gives you a hard time with anything else, just fight back and take it to court. She'll be paying for 75% of the total lawyer and court fees. Now is when you start playing hardball!
She interferes with your days with the boys: KA-CHING!

She fights the valuation of your house and you have to write another letter: KA-CHING!

She wants to falesly accuse you of something, for which you write a rebutted letter: KA-CHING!

Me thinks she is going to think a little more, rather than just lash out from this day forward.

Gru has to be feeling for his wallet about now. Perhaps he will be telling her to back off from the next time she wants to come at you like a mad dog, since it will all translate to money out of his pocket.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 12:05 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh allatsea, hard as that was you not only survived it but won this particular battle. I can't put it better than this;

The fact that she has to pay all of her own costs, all of the court costs, and half of yours should DEFINITELY motivate her to start cooperating with your demands. This is VERY good. If she gives you a hard time with anything else, just fight back and take it to court. She'll be paying for 75% of the total lawyer and court fees. Now is when you start playing hardball

Plus, if she complains about the hardship this judgement is going to cause her to anyone else (her parents, friends etc.,) then they must surely start to doubt her version of events is 100% accurate?

..and allatsea, forgive me if it's just me and I've missed this before - but this?

She then said that in January I raped her

..this is new and dangerous ground. This takes it to another level altogether. If she is prepared to make an allegation like this in court you must be very careful about everything to do with this woman from this point forward. Use your solicitor to deal with everything until this process is over.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 2:56 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She then said that in January I raped her
..this is new and dangerous ground. This takes it to another level altogether. If she is prepared to make an allegation like this in court you must be very careful about everything to do with this woman from this point forward. Use your solicitor to deal with everything until this process is over.

I want to second this. When I read that she pulled out this card, I felt a small chill. Indeed this is dangerous ground and should be a BIG red flag (not that you needed any more) that nothing is beneath her. This is malice in its purest form. Stay FAR away from her in every way.

I personally believe that the judge's ruling will not sober her, but will fester in her and renew her resolve to destroy you and keep you from your kids. She is disturbed, delusional and very cruel. Do not communicate with her. She is an evil robot. As such, the only thing that will penetrate her "force field" will be fear--she must be forced to the point where she realizes on some level that she personally stands to lose something. And it's not your children, about whom she really couldn't give a damn. On your guard more than ever, AAS, and at the same time, stay on the offensive. I predict it will get worse before it gets "better."

(As an example: my STBX threw everything at me at first--

I am suffering from a mental disorder and thus should not share responsibility in decisions regarding the kids' medical decisions. I pushed hard against this, demonstrating that I have plenty of weapons to prove it is SHE who is unstable.

She has dropped this. Fear for herself.

She subpoenaed Activision (I still laugh when I think of this) in an attempt to prove that I play video games instead of watching the kids. I agreed to the subpoena. She dropped it. Fear that it will not only come to naught, but that it will demonstrate her foolishness. Fear for herself.

I am pushing forward with our hearing for Temporary Relief, in which it will be exposed that she is unstable in her life and in her job--as well as pregnant. She is now pushing me desperately to cancel it and just settle, on her bullshit terms. No. I am going ahead with it. She is scared. NOW is when I will go for the body--not retreat to my corner as she is used to.

And I fully expect her to get very nasty and even pull some crap akin to your STBX's rape nonsense. No retreat, AAS. You've got her on the run. Pursue her to the gates and destroy the walls. Do it rationally and calmly as you have, but watch out--this dragon is still breathing.)

[This message edited by Abbondad at 6:58 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally believe that the judge's ruling will not sober her, but will fester in her and renew her resolve to destroy you

You know, since this morning when I first read what happened yesterday I've been thinking about this more and more and I now agree with AbandondDad - this could escalate from here - so stay vigilant and protect yourself in all ways aas. Make sure that you keep that letter where she originally stated your 'faults' that lead to the divorce in a safe place too - you might be needing it as there is no mention of 'rape' in that.

Will you be having this same judge for all of your court proceedings?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your support. I agree. She is unhinged.

Fortunately I am not in the same situation as Abbondad where his cstbxww is at his house as often as possible. She and I are never on our own together and we never speak. Everything goes through the solicitor.

I've told all of my friends, close relatives and current lady friend. I already knew she was going to pull this stunt at some point and fortunately the judge dismissed it.

I'm able to keep plodding on with my dignity and integrity and respond to each and every loopy question safe in the knowledge that she isn't following the legal and moral path. I need to talk with my solicitor on Wednesday and determine where to go from here.

The boys and I put the tree up today. It's clear in their minds that this is home and that makes me feel reassured when childservices pay a visit


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 648 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
alback
♂ New Member
Member # 41336
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AllatSea,
The rape card your wife brought up didn't work for your CBSTBXW last week, great. However, you might want to consider she could decide to build on it for next time. Your posts suggested of course it was consensual all but the last 10 seconds?

You were successful in making the point that her physical affair with GRU started before her consensual sex with you. Consider this, what if she decides to take the rape card further and attempt actual charges against you prior to the next hearing?

Know that your wife and her now GRU, are no doubt conspiring daily to beat you. That would explain the smug look he had at the court. They are likely to step up the battle as you get closer to the real issue, the boys.

I suggest you speak to your lawyer about her suggestion of rape, and ask if there is something you can do to protect yourself in case she escalates this further.

I sincerely hope this works out for you, and I am not trying to worry you. Just know this witch is going to take everything she can from you. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Good Luck


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohhhh, yes your WWSTBX's accusation of rape is malice in its raw and pure form..

As a previous poster pointed out, you and your lawyer must be prepared for this accusation to escalate..Can your lawyer keep you from getting charged? He will need to be experienced in highly contentious cases such as this...

Going forward it is gonna be most prudent and wise for you to deal with her via writing/texts/e-mails and thru lawyers...No face to face contact ,don't take her phone calls..If you have to see her face to face have somebody with you who isn't family who can be a witness as to the nature of the contact...

I am so sorry but if I were you I would treat her in this way I suggested above for the rest of your life...

This situation hits home with me, it happened to a close uncle of mine..

An accusation of rape that causes an arrest and a court appearance stays with you whether guilty or innocent..For my uncle who worked for UPS,his second ex wife(no kids) did this during divorce proceedings...He was innocent, case dismissed, but this still ruined his life for many years...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:25 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS

I look forward to the day that you cannot stand being in your wifes presence.

I look forward to the day you no longer love her.

I look forward to the day you only recognize her as the mother of your children.

That you no longer think of how she smells.

Because what she pulled in the judges chambers should show what a loser and despicable woman she has turned into.

Focus on your boy, on the holidays and on happier pursuits in the future.

Because the karma bus is going to run over your STBXW someday in the future.

And she will have deserved it.

HM


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, rape charges should be mentioned much earlier in written when it all began.
One can't just orally press charges if things are not going your way in the court. Judges are smart to realise that.
Nevertheless, you should be prepared for further such accusations.
My ex blamed my father for sexual advancements. Why? Still remains a mystery to me.
These people are capable of anything. Just be prepared.
AAS, should simply state that if there was a rape involved, the correct procedure should have been to go the police and file a complaint, not start an affair. Once your lawyer suggests that your stbx is just trying to gain sympathy, the judge will understand. I hope you get what I'm trying to say.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
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