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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife left me for her new boss
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS,

Why did you put in the sentence about wanting to keep the house incase her current relationship fails?

Just asking. It sounds like you took a back-handed swipe at her.

(Not that she doesn't deserve it )

k9

[This message edited by k94ever at 8:14 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6579 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allatsea, I saw it the same as k94 - I was just thinking to myself - Wow - This is good!

Literally. Perfect. ...and if allatsea is not a solicitor then he should look into becoming one because this is 100% what needs to be said! It keeps the focus on how your CSTBXWW is being the unreasonable one, irrationally denying you the chance to negotiate. But then you stuck that one sentence in that was not so hot... and I'm not saying you are wrong to feel that - you're not - but you had been perfection up to that point showing her to be the unreasonable one who was letting her feelings interfere with this process...and causing personal negotiations between you to falter...and then you put a little dig in of your own and that lost about 1% of the impact of the letter in my opinion. (Although your last line brought it back around)


allatsea, I'm almost frightened to post this because I think you may think we're digging you out for no reason and really picking on you when you have been so restrained when you've had such extreme provocation from your crazy wife already - but believe me, we are on YOUR side - and I honestly think the very best chance you have of getting what you want is to make your CSTXWW seem the emotionally unstable one. Try not to bring your feelings into your official communications with her because she will say that it's the little digs like this that make her not want to deal with you. (We know that's complete rubbish and not true - but she's not playing fair and will twist anything to justify her own behaviour.


Anyway - that sentence doesn't take away from the fact that you just wrote a blinder of a letter - please forgive us for the nitpicking - but we only do it because we want you to win. Well done!


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not wrong. The comment about her relationship failing was a cheap shot. I let my emotions get the better of me and took the opportunity.
I know it will have hurt for her to read it but I also wanted her to be aware that I am able to interpret her sub conscious behaviour, or at least think I can. I don't want her to believe that I might think her procrastination is because she is keeping me as a plan B. I know that isn't the case. But my main intent wasn't to make a low blow, it was to entice her into agreeing to let me have the house. What better way to prove to her new love that she is happy than to let go of her former matrimonial home? If I was POS I would want her to make this gesture and not hold onto the past.

However, I do take your points and I will be more professional next time.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 715 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allatsea,

I am suspicious that your client is unwilling to conclude the sale of her half of the house to me as she wishes to retain a claim on it in the event that her new relationship fails.
Maybe I am evil, but I loved this when I read it. When her relationship fails, and we all know it will, she will know that you knew she was in mental la-la land the entire time.

This was a great letter, as usual. Her solicitor must know that you are a stand up type of guy.

You're playing hard ball now, and she has got to be very afraid.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But my main intent wasn't to make a low blow, it was to entice her into agreeing to let me have the house. What better way to prove to her new love that she is happy than to let go of her former matrimonial home? If I was POS I would want her to make this gesture and not hold onto the past.
Good thinking too. Perhaps she will fall for it, and worry that her POS will think she is not 100% convinced about the staying power of their *relationship.* Hopefully she will let you have the house to prove to POS (and to herself) that she is confident about *them.*

On a side note:

Sometimes I feel as if I am butting into a conversation I was not invited into, but then I remember that you are posting on JFO for all to see, rather than PMing a select few whose opinions you value.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is invited. The more the merrier.

The best bit about being me instead of cstbxww is that I have nothing to hide or be afraid of.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 715 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, you don't at all. What you DO have is a lot of class and grit to show us! Eyes on the prize, my man, eyes on the prize.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, elegant grit!! That's you. Keep fighting the good fight. Keep doing the hard work of being stand-up. And know that you inspire so many.

Isn't it wild and very cool that you truly have friends all over the WORLD who care for you and support you?!!


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best bit about being me instead of cstbxww is that I have nothing to hide or be afraid of.

Oh this sounds very much like someone who has his mojo back. Although I doubt the 'increasingly beginning to fall apart herself' cstbxww likes that very much either - hence why she's getting so very angry lately..


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi AAS. I've been following this thread and I check daily for updates. I admire how you've handled yourself in all of this.
I'm sorry to read about how terrible your CSTBXWW has treated you through all of this.
I hope you feel a huge sense of relief the day that financial settlement is eventually finalized and a fair custody order is in place.

Until then, I'm sending you lots of well wishes and strength. Keep focusing on your own best interests and the best interests of your children. You have made many wise decisions/moves by keeping focused on what's important. Best of luck


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it wild and very cool that you truly have friends all over the WORLD who care for you and support you?!!

Not to hijack AAS's thread, but since we share some parallels (crazy STBXWW, we personally Skype, longest threads ever...) I have to say, YES for my part. I think this all the time and do not exaggerate when I say two resources have been my saviors through this ordeal: my therapist and SI.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you have such a positive attitude. Yes, you have nothing to hide, and there are more people in the world who know you and care about what happens to you post A than there were pre A!!

Thank God for this website.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

keep the house incase her current relationship fails

aas,

Although being strictly business-like is the rule, sometimes we betrayed, just have to let a comment slide out every once in a while.

I had the thought that, maybe, the above thought hadn't occured to bitchface, BUT you have now given her the perfect idea to show POS how much she is all in with him! "wow, what better way to keep my AP with me than to show him that my former house means nothing to me"

That sentence could actually be YOUR saving grace. (or more likely I am just delusional )

Hope your weekend is a blast.

Sending strength.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1299 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Handing over the children is always difficult. Typically cstbxww stands at the doorway with a big smile for the boys and a snarl for me. Pos stands behind her acting all smug knowing full well that I can't knock his block off in front of the boys. They are both feeling all powerful and look at me as the unreasonable ex who can't just accept and move on. I am an annoying thorn in their perfect family side. She dropped me like a stone with zero regard for me and took my children and gave them to another man. She would rather I never saw them again so she could change their name to his.
On days like these it's hard to keep going. Cast aside like a broken toy.

The house is painfully silent and all I can think of are my children in their other abode being raised by a woman who has lost her mind and a man who has no morals. Both who are so obvious in their hate for me. I suppose the hate she shows is a reminder to me that she is feeling bad in someway otherwise she would be totally indifferent and want to simply move on without any need to fight.

At every opportunity I extend the chance for her to come to the negotiation table but she never does. Let me move on, please. Stop dragging my heart around, as Stevie would say.

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:55 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 715 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AAS))) I am so sorry for the sadness you are dealing with today. It will get better. It truly will.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9793 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allatsea, your ex wife is cruel. Standing with a smug faced POS gloating at the door while you hand the boys over is vile behaviour in the face of what she has done to you. But you are right. She hasn't reached indifference towards you - and you know what? I think in the end it will be you who reaches it first and you know what else too? You won't be losing those boys of yours to those two either. You're too good a Dad for that to happen. One thing some people forget is that children grow up and they remember things that only make sense to them when they are older. You love your boys and they know that. You are their stable parent right now - and they already know that too. Those boys love you allatsea - in all this confusion in their lives, it is you who are the one constant they have - hang onto that thought on the bad days allatsea.


One day this process will be over, no matter how much she tries to stall it, and you will have your visitation that no one can mess with, a new life of your own, and you'll still have your integrity intact. That's more than can be said for those other two.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One day all this drama will be over; court visitation will be fixed, divorce finalized and you won't be a presence in their lives. She then have to face up to the new reality of life with POS and POS won't try as hard with the kids, or to be the model new husband.

Right now you are the unifying focus of their hate; they won't have that for much longer.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

any chance you could have some of her former neighbors over at your house during the exchange? 1 of 2 things will happen I think. either she will moderate her behavior during the exchange, or you will have witnesses to her abominable behaviors.

of course the evil side of me wishes that you could have a gorgeous blonde by your side for these events. but as I said that's the evil side of me. the kids must come first.

these are trying times brother. the end is in sight. I'm sending strength from this side of the pond.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still right there with you, AAS:

Typically cstbxww stands at the doorway with a big smile for the boys and a snarl for me.

I went through just this same farce twice this weekend at both exchanges. Methinks our WW's are sisters--the Wicked Witch of the East and West, respectively. It's amazing and unsettling how they can switch masks so easily and quickly. It shows just how incredibly full of shit they are. They are false, hollow shells of human beings. And make no mistake: your wife is not happy.

As the others are reminding you (and me), this WILL end. Laws will be put into place and you and your boys will be protected. Life and time will do their thing, and this will be a tragic chapter toward the BEGINNING of your book.

Meanwhile, I feel your pain. Hang in there, AAS.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really do appreciate the support that I get on SI. It is my prop when I fall. My reminder when I forget. You encourage my decency and hit me when I stoop too low.

My court appearance for the children is on 30th October. Once that is sorted I will know that WW can't make any more unilateral decisions.

The court appearance for financial settlement is on the 20th December. Obviously I have extended another offer for a negotiation but I already predict the answer to that.

My boys tell me that CSTBXWW does know that I have a lady on the scene because they've mentioned it to her. I don't know what they've told her, exactly, but there isn't much for them to tell. The boys haven't met her and I've not told them that she is my girlfriend because technically she isn't. We're in the very early stages of getting to know each other.

Either way, CSTBXWW knows that there is a person of interest. Whether this is contributing to her unreasonableness I dont' know.



Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 715 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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